Living with an alcoholic and I am fed up
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: GA
Posts: 4
Living with an alcoholic and I am fed up
A little background:
My husband has drank for as long as I have known him. When we were younger I thought it was something that he would grow out of, mature with age, etc. Unfortunately he got worse.
No matter how many times over the years I have asked him to stop drinking for the sake of our marriage and our children, he would ignore me. Or he would say he can control himself, promise to stop for 30 days just to prove himself. He would start right back up again before the 30 day mark.
It used to be that he would drink four or so beers every other day during the week. Then he would follow it up on the weekend by getting completely drunk. Sunday comes around and he is severely hungover and is of no use to anyone and a complete jerk to the household.
It all came to a head this past March. We had friends visiting from out of town. Nobody else was drinking (I am not a drinker and my friends only drink occasionally.) He gets absolutely wasted, and then goes and gets dressed and leaves the house. I did not even realize he was gone until I went upstairs thinking he had went to bed.
This was not the first time he would be drunk before leaving the house, and I would always tell him that one day he was going to get into serious trouble. And that I hoped he did not hurt anyone. I had no power to stop him from leaving. But I would call our local pd and give them our plates and advise them that there was a drunk driver on the roads. I wanted him to get caught. Somehow he managed to slip through the cracks for a long time.
That night in March, I estimate that he left at around 10:30 pm. I stayed up waiting for him until I could no longer keep my eyes open. At 4:45 am, my house phone rang. I picked it up and it's a call from the neighboring city's police department. He had been stopped and arrested not even 10 miles from home, less than 30 minutes after he left the house. They charged him with speeding and a DUI.
He was calling for me to come and bail him out. I said no. I felt like a night in jail would do him good. I was surprised two hours later when he came strolling into the house. He had used $1500 to bail himself out. I was beyond pissed off. We also had to pay to get our vehicle out of the pound somewhere over an hour away from home.
So the promises began raining down. He promised he would not drink again. He promised to go to AA. He promised to get help. He promised this to me, and also to my mother, who he is very close to. To this day he denies promising anyone anything.
He started going to AA. Got his 30 day chip. Went to DUI school and got that certificate. I was starting to be hopeful. Maybe this was the year! He would finally stop drinking, realize how he was affecting his health and our mental health, etc. Went to court date after court date. I think a week shy of going to AA for 60 days, he decided he would no longer be going. I think the catalyst was his mother coming to visit. She is an alcoholic herself (although she is in denial.) So she is sipping on beers she made him go get for her (which I found rude considering that she knew he was in AA.) Suddenly, the man who swore to me that he would no longer drink is sipping on a beer as well.
He said that he planned on only having one or two a week. I decided to stay quiet and observe. I kept a calendar and I would mark how many beers I saw him drink. It went from two beers a week to now two beers daily (that I can see. Who knows if it's more.) Last Saturday he was visibly drunk but tried to tell me it was the caffeine pill he had taken before his tennis match.
Last night I confronted him after seeing another beer bottle in his hand. I said, "I have been watching you, and I notice that you are drinking nightly now." To which he got extremely angry (as usual) and told me to stop talking, he only had two beers a night, and that i just ruined his night. I said "So the beer is what makes you happy? Not your family? You made promises that you are not keeping, your court cases have not even been settled, you no longer have a license until your court cases clear. You have costed this family over $2000 so far dealing with your DUI, and who knows how much more after they decide your case. And yet here we are, back at square one."
With that, he walked away and went into the basement for the rest of the night. He woke up today and I am still on silent treatment.
I am tired of dealing with this. I know it won't be long until he starts getting drunk again every weekend. I know that nothing I say or do (besides leaving) will make him stop. I know that only he can stop himself. I want to leave. However, I do not have anywhere to go. We also have a home based business together, so our lives are pretty enmeshed. Leaving would still entail me coming here daily because this is my livelihood. I would much prefer to leave and not have any contact with him at all. I would prefer if he left.
We are starting marital counseling soon (hopefully this week, we have been waiting on an appointment.) I will be laying everything out on the table. I am officially done wasting my breath saying the same thing over and over again. I know my family does not deserve any of this, and it's unfair.
My husband has drank for as long as I have known him. When we were younger I thought it was something that he would grow out of, mature with age, etc. Unfortunately he got worse.
No matter how many times over the years I have asked him to stop drinking for the sake of our marriage and our children, he would ignore me. Or he would say he can control himself, promise to stop for 30 days just to prove himself. He would start right back up again before the 30 day mark.
It used to be that he would drink four or so beers every other day during the week. Then he would follow it up on the weekend by getting completely drunk. Sunday comes around and he is severely hungover and is of no use to anyone and a complete jerk to the household.
It all came to a head this past March. We had friends visiting from out of town. Nobody else was drinking (I am not a drinker and my friends only drink occasionally.) He gets absolutely wasted, and then goes and gets dressed and leaves the house. I did not even realize he was gone until I went upstairs thinking he had went to bed.
This was not the first time he would be drunk before leaving the house, and I would always tell him that one day he was going to get into serious trouble. And that I hoped he did not hurt anyone. I had no power to stop him from leaving. But I would call our local pd and give them our plates and advise them that there was a drunk driver on the roads. I wanted him to get caught. Somehow he managed to slip through the cracks for a long time.
That night in March, I estimate that he left at around 10:30 pm. I stayed up waiting for him until I could no longer keep my eyes open. At 4:45 am, my house phone rang. I picked it up and it's a call from the neighboring city's police department. He had been stopped and arrested not even 10 miles from home, less than 30 minutes after he left the house. They charged him with speeding and a DUI.
He was calling for me to come and bail him out. I said no. I felt like a night in jail would do him good. I was surprised two hours later when he came strolling into the house. He had used $1500 to bail himself out. I was beyond pissed off. We also had to pay to get our vehicle out of the pound somewhere over an hour away from home.
So the promises began raining down. He promised he would not drink again. He promised to go to AA. He promised to get help. He promised this to me, and also to my mother, who he is very close to. To this day he denies promising anyone anything.
He started going to AA. Got his 30 day chip. Went to DUI school and got that certificate. I was starting to be hopeful. Maybe this was the year! He would finally stop drinking, realize how he was affecting his health and our mental health, etc. Went to court date after court date. I think a week shy of going to AA for 60 days, he decided he would no longer be going. I think the catalyst was his mother coming to visit. She is an alcoholic herself (although she is in denial.) So she is sipping on beers she made him go get for her (which I found rude considering that she knew he was in AA.) Suddenly, the man who swore to me that he would no longer drink is sipping on a beer as well.
He said that he planned on only having one or two a week. I decided to stay quiet and observe. I kept a calendar and I would mark how many beers I saw him drink. It went from two beers a week to now two beers daily (that I can see. Who knows if it's more.) Last Saturday he was visibly drunk but tried to tell me it was the caffeine pill he had taken before his tennis match.
Last night I confronted him after seeing another beer bottle in his hand. I said, "I have been watching you, and I notice that you are drinking nightly now." To which he got extremely angry (as usual) and told me to stop talking, he only had two beers a night, and that i just ruined his night. I said "So the beer is what makes you happy? Not your family? You made promises that you are not keeping, your court cases have not even been settled, you no longer have a license until your court cases clear. You have costed this family over $2000 so far dealing with your DUI, and who knows how much more after they decide your case. And yet here we are, back at square one."
With that, he walked away and went into the basement for the rest of the night. He woke up today and I am still on silent treatment.
I am tired of dealing with this. I know it won't be long until he starts getting drunk again every weekend. I know that nothing I say or do (besides leaving) will make him stop. I know that only he can stop himself. I want to leave. However, I do not have anywhere to go. We also have a home based business together, so our lives are pretty enmeshed. Leaving would still entail me coming here daily because this is my livelihood. I would much prefer to leave and not have any contact with him at all. I would prefer if he left.
We are starting marital counseling soon (hopefully this week, we have been waiting on an appointment.) I will be laying everything out on the table. I am officially done wasting my breath saying the same thing over and over again. I know my family does not deserve any of this, and it's unfair.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
So sorry you and your family have been going through this. It sounds like you have some ideas about the boundaries that you want to set and that you are being very realistic about his continued consumption of alcohol. You have been through the ringer and I don't blame you for being fed up.
Have you tried Alanon at all? It can be really hard when it seems like everything in the household revolves around the alcoholic. It's great that you have reached out here at SR, and that is really the best thing you can do for yourself and your family, reach out, share your story and get plenty of real life support as well.
Welcome and keep posting.
Have you tried Alanon at all? It can be really hard when it seems like everything in the household revolves around the alcoholic. It's great that you have reached out here at SR, and that is really the best thing you can do for yourself and your family, reach out, share your story and get plenty of real life support as well.
Welcome and keep posting.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: GA
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by ladyscribbler 
So sorry you and your family have been going through this. It sounds like you have some ideas about the boundaries that you want to set and that you are being very realistic about his continued consumption of alcohol. You have been through the ringer and I don't blame you for being fed up.
Have you tried Alanon at all? It can be really hard when it seems like everything in the household revolves around the alcoholic. It's great that you have reached out here at SR, and that is really the best thing you can do for yourself and your family, reach out, share your story and get plenty of real life support as well.
Welcome and keep posting.
Have you tried Alanon at all? It can be really hard when it seems like everything in the household revolves around the alcoholic. It's great that you have reached out here at SR, and that is really the best thing you can do for yourself and your family, reach out, share your story and get plenty of real life support as well.
Welcome and keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Zatwitsend, welcome to SR. I've found a lot of help here and I hope you do too.
Reading as much as you can here is a good starting place. Don't miss the stickies at the top of the page, either. I think you'll see yourself and aspects of your situation in a lot of other people's stories. It makes a person feel a lot less alone, knowing that! It's also very helpful to see how others have coped.
I'd second the recommendation for Alanon. For me, SR and Alanon have been a great combination--each has its own strong points, and I think they work well together. I'm really glad you've already checked into Alanon and have a plan to attend some meetings.
Glad you found us here, and I hope you visit often. Let us know how that meeting goes, OK?
Wishing you strength and clarity.
Reading as much as you can here is a good starting place. Don't miss the stickies at the top of the page, either. I think you'll see yourself and aspects of your situation in a lot of other people's stories. It makes a person feel a lot less alone, knowing that! It's also very helpful to see how others have coped.
I'd second the recommendation for Alanon. For me, SR and Alanon have been a great combination--each has its own strong points, and I think they work well together. I'm really glad you've already checked into Alanon and have a plan to attend some meetings.
Glad you found us here, and I hope you visit often. Let us know how that meeting goes, OK?
Wishing you strength and clarity.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Zatwitsend.....since you work together in a home based business....even if he left...he would still have to come to the house each day, wouldn't he...? Same as you.
Things will not stay static....change is going to come whether you like it or not. Because, alcoholism is progressive...meaning that this is as good as it is going to be....
So, you might as well prepare yourself and get ready to cope with change....
I am so not trying to make you feel bad (you feel bad enough).....but, rather, to encourage to start to take care of your SELF....cause you sure can't control him.....he is gonna do what he is gonna do, come he** or high water! That is how alcoholics roll.
dandylion
Things will not stay static....change is going to come whether you like it or not. Because, alcoholism is progressive...meaning that this is as good as it is going to be....
So, you might as well prepare yourself and get ready to cope with change....
I am so not trying to make you feel bad (you feel bad enough).....but, rather, to encourage to start to take care of your SELF....cause you sure can't control him.....he is gonna do what he is gonna do, come he** or high water! That is how alcoholics roll.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
My suggestion would be to see a family law attorney for a consultation, explain your circumstances and find out what would be entailed in un-meshing yourself from your joint business and protecting your livelihood. Often people feel trapped because they do not have full information on their options. One hour with a good attorney in such circumstances is worth its weight in gold.
Welcome to SR, here on the F&F forum most of us can closely identify with your situation.
Welcome to SR, here on the F&F forum most of us can closely identify with your situation.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: GA
Posts: 4
Thank you to all the posters!
He got wind that I had posted here via my email and blew up on me (my email is attached to the business computer.) Said he does not have problem, that I am grasping at straws, and that I am blowing it out of proportion.
Am I wrong to feel that once you are an alcoholic and you realize you are, you should give up drinking, period? I just don't think it is healthy and it will lead to disaster. He does not see it that way. He feels that if he is not drinking to get drunk, he should be able to have 1-2 beers a night.
He got wind that I had posted here via my email and blew up on me (my email is attached to the business computer.) Said he does not have problem, that I am grasping at straws, and that I am blowing it out of proportion.
Am I wrong to feel that once you are an alcoholic and you realize you are, you should give up drinking, period? I just don't think it is healthy and it will lead to disaster. He does not see it that way. He feels that if he is not drinking to get drunk, he should be able to have 1-2 beers a night.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Canada.
Posts: 795
Can't happen. True alcoholics cannot moderate their drinking. It seems they can short term but always slide slowly into more, more, more. I've seen it many times with ah. For the non-alcoholic person it is reasonable; however, a's cannot deal in moderation.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: GA
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by soverylost
Can't happen. True alcoholics cannot moderate their drinking. It seems they can short term but always slide slowly into more, more, more. I've seen it many times with ah. For the non-alcoholic person it is reasonable; however, a's cannot deal in moderation.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by Zatwitsend
I told him that to him he does not see it as a problem, but I can. And it has progressed. Went from 1-2 beers a week to a nightly thing. It is so frustrating that he can't see that.
It doesn't really matter what he thinks about himself having a problem or not, whether he sees it or not. What matters is what you choose to do for yourself. You can reason with him until you are blue in the face but it won't change a single thing. Alanon has a saying about the 3 C's: You didn't Cause his drinking, you can't Control his drinking and you can't Cure his drinking. There is one person whose actions and life you can control, and that is yourself. Alanon will help you focus on that person and start heading towards the life you want for yourself.
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