Those who cast the first stone...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 94
Those who cast the first stone...
Okay, F&F. I am here, again, from the other side of the fence. But need some advice. I am the A. Been married 4 yrs. Haven't quit completely but have gone from stupid drunk every night to just having a few. Not good enough, I know.
But my question is kinda OT. I looked at the Internet history on the computer this am. Which I rarely do. But in the history was some nasty hookup dating service. Adult hookup or something like that. It was basically an online hookup sex site. I figured it was probably something he hit on by mistake.
Took my baby to a bday party and came home and he wasn't here. No explanation. I didn't ask.
It wouldn't bother me except that while we were at the bday party he deleted that site from the history. Oh, and he has a history of looking at Internet porn. (Like while I was out buying his wedding band, came home to him pleasuring himself to porn). He promised never again.
Plus, he hasn't wanted sex for 14 months. And only wears his wedding band to work. That's probably due to his need to detach.
I can't cast any stones. Just need some opinions.
But my question is kinda OT. I looked at the Internet history on the computer this am. Which I rarely do. But in the history was some nasty hookup dating service. Adult hookup or something like that. It was basically an online hookup sex site. I figured it was probably something he hit on by mistake.
Took my baby to a bday party and came home and he wasn't here. No explanation. I didn't ask.
It wouldn't bother me except that while we were at the bday party he deleted that site from the history. Oh, and he has a history of looking at Internet porn. (Like while I was out buying his wedding band, came home to him pleasuring himself to porn). He promised never again.
Plus, he hasn't wanted sex for 14 months. And only wears his wedding band to work. That's probably due to his need to detach.
I can't cast any stones. Just need some opinions.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Hi
Can't offer anything for the A part, but there are red flags for the relationship side of things.
If he has not wanted sex for 14 months and there is no physical issue, then something is going on with him. Maybe mental, maybe another person, but that is a red flag, if you guys used to do it more than that. He has a history of porn and you married him anyway. You knew this about him going in, so why would he delete a page he was viewing? I don't know.
Clearly, you are unhappy with this situation. I would suggest a therapist. Have you been at alanon? Therapy?
Can't offer anything for the A part, but there are red flags for the relationship side of things.
If he has not wanted sex for 14 months and there is no physical issue, then something is going on with him. Maybe mental, maybe another person, but that is a red flag, if you guys used to do it more than that. He has a history of porn and you married him anyway. You knew this about him going in, so why would he delete a page he was viewing? I don't know.
Clearly, you are unhappy with this situation. I would suggest a therapist. Have you been at alanon? Therapy?
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Originally Posted by Ali2013 
I know. The whole situation is jacked up. Gonna sleep on it, pray some more. I can't really call him out when I haven't sorted myself out quite yet. My own personal prison. Self-induced.
Sorting yourself out is hard, but not impossible. People do it everyday. Lucky you can get paroled from your personal prison any time you want.
Good Luck!
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
I can't really call him out when I haven't sorted myself out quite yet.
Just because you're an alcoholic, an active alcoholic, does not give him leeway to be on hookup sites. I am married to an alcoholic who has really struggled getting and staying sober and he has been a compete beast to live with but that does not give me permission to cheat or test the cheating waters. If I want to be with someone else then I need to buck up and leave my husband FIRST. Regardless if you're sober or not, you do not have to lay down and take unacceptable behavior from your husband.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: AZ
Posts: 309
I agree. You being an A has nothing to do with him on these sites. This is not okay. My A had an affair years ago, and tells me that I have a free pass. I said the same thing "two wrongs don't make a right". Period.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
This...100%
Originally Posted by Stung
I disagree with this statement. Here's why: two wrongs do not make a right.
Just because you're an alcoholic, an active alcoholic, does not give him leeway to be on hookup sites. I am married to an alcoholic who has really struggled getting and staying sober and he has been a compete beast to live with but that does not give me permission to cheat or test the cheating waters. If I want to be with someone else then I need to buck up and leave my husband FIRST. Regardless if you're sober or not, you do not have to lay down and take unacceptable behavior from your husband.
Just because you're an alcoholic, an active alcoholic, does not give him leeway to be on hookup sites. I am married to an alcoholic who has really struggled getting and staying sober and he has been a compete beast to live with but that does not give me permission to cheat or test the cheating waters. If I want to be with someone else then I need to buck up and leave my husband FIRST. Regardless if you're sober or not, you do not have to lay down and take unacceptable behavior from your husband.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
If your desire is to save your marriage and find happiness together then open communication is a must... we are as sick as our secrets. A marriage is built around trust and respecting our partners in all things.
If your spouse has a strong commitment to the marriage counseling would be the path to the highest probability of success. You already know that authentic recovery would make a huge difference in the relationship and that awareness has to become diligent action and central to your life apart and together.
We are all addicted to something. For me its work, for your hubby its porn and for you alcohol. To become healthy all of us has to develop a plan of recovery and a plan of action.
Your reaching out is a great first step. Have you thought about getting a sponsor and going through the true program of recovery in the 12 steps? Your husband will notice if you get sober...nothing changes if nothing changes.
Good luck
If your spouse has a strong commitment to the marriage counseling would be the path to the highest probability of success. You already know that authentic recovery would make a huge difference in the relationship and that awareness has to become diligent action and central to your life apart and together.
We are all addicted to something. For me its work, for your hubby its porn and for you alcohol. To become healthy all of us has to develop a plan of recovery and a plan of action.
Your reaching out is a great first step. Have you thought about getting a sponsor and going through the true program of recovery in the 12 steps? Your husband will notice if you get sober...nothing changes if nothing changes.
Good luck
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 94
Thanks for all of your responses and insight. I agree with everything you all said. I am non-confrontational so I will wait until the picture is a bit clearer. And in the meantime, work on my side of the street. Thanks for taking the time to respond!
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