Sick of Alcoholics.
 

Hi everyone, first time posting here. Been reading through some posts and feeling a bit more encouraged. It's nice to know you're not alone.

I've had a very long history with alcoholics - I personally hate the stuff and can't bring myself to ever get drunk, but my mother is a recovered(ish, she has some slip-ups) alcoholic and I've just discovered that my boyfriend is too. Seems like I can't shake them.

My childhood with an alcoholic parent went about as well as expected. I'm left with incredibly deep-seated guilt for a lot of what happened and I feel very anxious, to the point of vomiting/insomnia/total loss of appetite, if I ever think someone is upset with me. I know it's all in my head and that these are survival mechanisms, but most of the time they haven't bothered me. Until now.

I guess I noticed a couple of red flags with my boyfriend. I've caught him going through my facebook messages. When I am sad he gets frustrated and doesn't want to 'manage my feelings'. He has the potential to be emotionally abusive - recent incidents involve him claiming to be in love with one of his colleagues and constantly commenting on how attractive/intelligent she is and making fun of me when I ask him to stop.

Yesterday morning I raised some doubts about what he was drinking in his glass. He claimed it to be just apple juice, and after some more half ass lies and excuses it of course turned out to be whiskey. I had often commented many times we'd been together that he smelt of whiskey - he always denied it. He'd have a glass in front of me at night time so I always figured he had nothing to hide and could drink in moderation. Now I realise that for the past few months I don't know when he's been sober and presumably the man I love, or drunk and the emotionally abusive and lying man.

People here tell tales of truly horrific abuse and I know my story doesn't compare, yet I'm so hurt by this breach of trust. It feels worse that he knew about my past with alcoholism and still hid things from me and lied.

And still. All the past has come rushing back. I know exactly what I should do and what I need to do (walk far away and never look back, duh). But all the codependency stuff I've had with me as a child is really kicking in. I truly can't bring myself to leave, and I feel so guilty for thinking about it. I can't even properly confront him or have a conversation about it as the idea of him reacting and getting upset makes me so anxious.

You guys all seem so good at giving pointers. I'd really appreciate anything right now.

I know the feeling I'll guess. maybe you're not ready... When I came here they warned me where it would end... I listened and kept the warnings and advice but I just wasn't ready to act or leave... Sometimes it takes time... Just trust your gutfeeling that's all I can say.. They are really helpfull and patient here so I think coming here is a good start...

How much sh!t are you willing to take from a lying alcoholic that is willing to hurt you by professing his love of another woman? Your thread title states:

Sick of Alcoholics

Maybe not candy coated and given with a bunch of flowers but... get the hell away from this guy!

Whatever happens, never marry this person and do not have a child with him. Start going to alanon if you can. You are not alone, all of us here have been in your shoes in one way or another. You deserve better. Really, you do.

I was raised by an alcoholic father. It took a long time to realize that I didn't cause it, couldn't control it, couldn't cure it.

It was liberating when I got there.

When trust is broken, the foundation is cracked. Enough breaks, and there is no foundation from which to work. Keep posting, and we are wishing you well.

Alcoholism is a family disease and the ones who truly suffer the most damage are the innocent ones : the children.

I also am an adult child of an alcoholic and now can look back after years of authentic recovery and see the patterns of my own attraction to alcoholics....like a bee to honey we would not be able to resist each other.

Being in the middle of a toxic alcoholic home often results in a broken "picker" and my picker was like a lightening rod for a guy just like "daddy" (not really because my dad was a sadistic cruel beast of a man) but I still was attracted to me like daddy when he was sober daddy (usually before noon when the drinking got serious).

Point of story... the most important thing you can do for yourself is find a good alanon group that you identify with (try several)... read ALL the stickie posts,start a reading list, find a good counselor that knows addiction and visit us often to tell us how it all goes.

That is the FAST plan to recovery (immersion) but you have to figure yourself out one day at a time and choose the timing and how you find your way out of a relationship that has got HUGE red flags sticking out all over it!

Remember this: Red flags are not party favors so don't collect them like I did... run...run fast. Hit the button: EJECT! EJECT! EJECT!

I have just diagnosed myself with BPD (Broken Picker Disease)
I will see the doctor first thing Monday.

Have you tried going to some al-anon meetings? I started reading the co-dependent no more book by Melody Beattie. It has helped me tremendously.

I have just diagnosed myself with BPD (Broken Picker Disease)
I will see the doctor first thing Monday.

Keep reading here. Keep doing your own research as well. There are very wise people here. I think often times we fool ourselves by saying, well our story is not as bad as theirs etc. However, alcoholism is progressive... and most likely it will be as bad as their story. On the other hand, although we say our story is not as bad as theirs, it truly is. We are all left, before our own recovery from this disease that is brought into our lives, that we are not so worthy. Alcoholics (that is the word, yet, I hate using it as it feels to me like I am pointing a finger at them... but that is the word... or addicts) don't really connect with us emotionally the way that people do who are not attics. They need to supply all of their thoughts and attentions to the addiction. It leaves us feeling somewhat worthless and abandon. They say things and do things we could never imagine imposing on another human being. We beg, plead and dote upon them hoping it will change.... not the person we fell in love with or the child we raised or the parent we love, the friend we knew... but the addiction. We hope the addiction changes. We can't change that. Nor is it our job to change that. We have to take them as they are, at any given time. Then we have to stop an think, is this the person I deserve to be with, and is this the way I deserve to be treated. Now is the time that we need to take that attention we shower them with and start loving ourselves and doting upon ourselves. It is a hard road. I often feel somewhat brain washed with all the lies that come along with, as that is a broken trust. Please be kind to yourself. I am new to some realizations of alcoholism, but many wise people will give great advise. Alanon is a good one. Being with people that understand what you are going through will yet be another tool to use, and where this site comes in so useful. Blessings.

WendyOR....I think that was so well articulated!

dandylion

wonderfully put WendyOR

Even though I knew I was codependent I couldn't have left and started real recovery without Alanon, which saved my sanity. I strongly recommend it. Life is too short to waste it on a hopeless relationship that will only get worse as the disease progresses.

Thanks all so much for your help. I haven't seen him in awhile and been keeping contact to a minimum, and reading all your replies is helping me immeasurably. I think I've come to the right place!

You have come to a wonderful place! A lot of comfort and a good smack in the head to bring us back to reality. Its not done to cause more pain. We have a lot of years of experience as a group and all rally together to get the best answers possible to one's situation.

Maybe no contact would be better for you. It'll give you a chance to actually look at your situation without interference from the A you're separating from.

Bad relationships aren't a spectrum disorder. They're a judgement call.

When I read your post I hurt for you. I believe the cruel way your boyfriend treats you is horrific. Whether or not it's more or less than someone else is neither here nor there. You are worth more.

Are you in any sort of therapy? Alanon? ACOA groups?

Good for you for not seeing him in a while. BoxinRotz is probably right, though. No contact may be even better, and WendyOr's words are excellent. Hopeworks also has a few sayings that would make good tattoos: "Red flags are not Party Favors." That's fantastic!