clematis

It has been a few months since I have been here... I just need to empty my head. My ABF came back from rehab (stepsrehab-south africa-cape town) in february this year. The first weeks he was sober, it all went well... Then he relapsed, BIG TIME! I tried to hang in there, but it's useless... He doesn't want to get better. I'm fed up with the promisses, the lies, the fights, his attitude, the way he acts, his excuses... The way he behaves towards my children. He has hit one of them, and I couldn't forgive him... I tried to be the strongest one and it ended up with me having to catch a beer can full in my face... so I gave up and I left...

Mags1

Hiya clematis, it's not good how he behaves to your children especially violence. You're best out, give yourself and children time to adjust and have some peace away from the toxic atmosphere brought on by your abf.

BoxinRotz

Your kids will be so much b better off AND YOU WILL BE TOO!

clematis

Thanks for the kind words... I know we are better off, I can't help him but I can help my kids and myself... I just feel guilty for giving up on him but I also feel anger and another part of me simply cannot understand how someone can be so crazy (sorry, I don't know a better discription) or lost... My brain knows he's sick gone or whatever they call it, but my heart just can't understand...

honeypig

Try not thinking of it as "giving up on him", but rather as turning him over to his HP's care. This thread contains 3 different versions of "Let Me Fall." Reading it might help you have a different perspective on ending the relationship:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-me-fall.html

Wishing you strength and clarity.

Mags1

Don't try to understand just now, clematis. My dad, bless him, ruined our childhood and my mum stayed with him, was going to leave after every drunken bout, but never did, so we lived the hell roller coaster as children. He was a lovely man, sober, but a monster drunk. He never tried to get help and my mum had her religion to go to.

You did the right thing for now. There's lots of help on here for family and friends as I'm sure you've found out or will soon enough. Take care x

clematis

thanks honeypig for the thread, it is what I'm doing, letting him fall it's is the only thing i have left to help him, the hard way. I hope he will understand one day... And I understand there is NO other way... it hurts...

BoxinRotz

You feel guilt for giving up on him BUT when should he be held responsible for being a total tool and smacking a child around, throwing bottles of beer in your face and putting the family unit in an uproar?

Do you still feel guilty because he can't control his damn self and act like a human being, communicate, go to work, drive to the store like a normal person? Because every time he swallows, it's his choice!

clematis

I know, well at least my brain does.. He doesn't have a job anymore he's on an unemployment benefit which will end in 4 months... He wanted to start his own bussiness, asked me to help him out with his bussinessplan which ended up in me doing it and him drinking and nagging I wasn't fast enough with it... I finished it all by myself and he was bragging on facebook saying he made it... then his coach asked him to come up with a second financial plan... He told me to make it. I didn't want to anymore... He got more annoyed, and last week he told the neighbour, who knew what was happening and was checking upon me an daily bases, that he wasn't planning on working anymore because he's planning to get into the wellfare system so they can PAY him... He wasn't going to be that stupid to get out of bed at 7 every day like all the stupid people he knows, he deserved better and then confided to this neighbour that he was working on 3 other women... (sorry i need to get it out...) The neighbour warned me to get out, and he and his wife kept him downstairs when he threatened me while i was packing... pfff...

BoxinRotz

He sounds like he's got it all figured out now doesn't he? I hope your heart catches up to your brain and breaks free from this toxic and vile little boy.

You and your children deserve so much more in life!

clematis

Yeah he does, doesn't he... I feel so ashamed for his behavior, I'm getting out of bed for work and my kids everyday and so do his neighbours, they are honest hardworking people who are always willing to help someone even him, and he says this kind of stuff... For me it feels like he's saying he is better than everybody. Makes my sad, because I know time will catch up with him

desypete

dont feel guilty for his actions or his drinking

you have to go your own way now, you have given him a chance to change and i guess you have given him plenty more chances in the past as well ?

enough has to be enough
for me i only changed when i lost everything, i couldnt beg or plead with anyone anymore they had all had enough of me
little did they know or i know that it was exactly what i needed
sad as it was i had to lose it all and end up with nothing left before i finaly was beaten and i gave in

so i hope you will now put yourself and the kids first and say good bye to your partner who must now have to face the consequences of his own drinking

good luck to you