Jeni26

Hello all. I usually post elsewhere on SR as I'm a recovering alcoholic with 2 years 4 months sober, and I hope you don't mind me asing you all for help.

My situation is this...2 weeks ago my Dad died, leaving my Mum and my alcoholic brother in the house. My Mum nursed my Dad at home until the end and is obviously grief-stricken and very fragile. My sister and I do our best to support her, but we have our own families and both work. Despite that, between us, we've pretty much taken care of all the arrangements that need to be made. His funeral is next Tuesday.

But it's the behaviour of my brother that is threatening to cause a huge rift here and causing my Mum so much anxiety. He has made the whole thing about him. I believe he feels guilty because he was away when my Dad died, and despite being told how critically ill he was, chose not to come home early. So he drinks and is angry a lot of the time. He has done nothing to support my Mum. He cooks his own meals and eats them in front of her without thinking of cooking for her too. He disappears for days on end and comes back hungover and in a foul mood. He has banned her from talking about my Dad because he says it upsets him. He has chucked a lot of my Dad's stuff out without asking her first because he doesn't want 'reminders'. He is angry because I've invited our cousin to the service because he doesn't get on with her. There is seemingly no end to how he has manipulated and used our Dad's death to his justify his own addiction. We are all grieving, but not in his eyes it would seem.

I am using my program of AA to help me through this time. But my sister is very emotional and dare I say it...a bit confrontational. She responds to his behaviour with anger. I can just see there being a huge rift in our family because of this.

I understand that only my Mum has the power to stop this but I think she's a little afraid of him. He is a master manipulator and uses emotional blackmail to keep her feeling sorry for him.

I am just so concerned for her. She needs to be treated gently and with love. I phone her every evening and I can tell from her voice that she is lonely and I wish I could do more.

I'm not sure what I'm asking for here really. A little moral support. Any experience strength and hope would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Mags1

Jeni, so sorry to hear the loss of your dad.

Typical alcoholic, your brother, turns everything around to make a drama about themselves. Your mum and family are having a lot to put up with. It sounds like there's no reasoning with him.

I haven't got any words of wisdom for you, Jeni, but I'm sure some will come winging their way down to you shortly.

Dee74

I have no words of wisdom either Jeni - this is a little out of my personal experience - but you've picked a good place to post

best wishes as always

D

Luper

Jeni, I am so sorry about your Dad. You have been through so much already and I am sorry to hear that now you have to deal with this.

Funeral and family. Not a good situation for me. My brothers are/were both alcoholics. My older brother is just like yours, except he didn't live with my Mom. But he had nothing to do with Mom or Dad when they were ill and needed support. I think you are right about the guilt. He chose not to be there either, and I hope he can find a way to deal with that. My younger brother tried to help out, but was always drunk. He even showed up drunk at both funerals, and I had to play referee.

I wish I had some advice for you. I feel so bad for your poor mom. She needs positive support and gentle guidance, which you give her. Bless you. I understand that you cannot help your brother, but don't think it's good for either him or your mom that he lives there IMO. Easier said than done, I know. As you know, there is just no talking to an alcoholic. His anger and actions are sure to cause your mom, you, and your family anxiety that none of you need right now. I am glad you have your sister and your AA group for support, as it is so very important you take care of yourself and protect your sobriety.

I just want you to know that you are not alone. It is so difficult to deal with the added stress to everyone on top of an already difficult situation. Please take it one day at a time. It is not going to be easy, but you are a very strong person and will be able to get through this.

My love and prayers are with you and your family. Please PM me if you ever need to talk. God bless you Jeni. ((hugs))

ShootingStar1

Down the road, it is your mother who will have to take charge of what her own life is. As with an alcoholic, no one can make anyone change, and no one can make anyone else's life different. We have to choose and live our own lives.

You might want to just get through the funeral. Maybe all of you can give your brother a boundary not to throw away any more of your father's possessions until you all look at them. It is fine to set boundaries with your brother as long as you intend to enforce them. Your sister may have the right idea, but be expressing it in a unconstructive manner. You can expect that whatever limits you put on brother, he will hate them. He wants the freedom to do whatever he wants, especially if it is in support of his addiction.

Then, when your mother is through the funeral, talk with her. From what you describe of your brother, it sounds like he is treating your mother very abusively. She does not have to live with that, even though it is possible that it seems familiar from living with your father since he was an alcoholic for so long. You have the details and know if that is true or not.

Get a book called Co-dependent No more by Melodie Beattie. It is an eye opener for everyone in the family, especially your mother. You might also see if your mother will go to a grief counselor, and choose one who works with co-dependency. Reading it may also open her to going to Alanon, and the people there understand what she is going through. If it is really bad, she can call or see a Domestic Violence counselor.

My prayers are with you and you family.

ShootingStar1

Jeni26

I think my Mum is well aware of what he is doing but feels powerless to change things. She isn't strong enough...at the moment..but maybe in time and with support she could be. I picked her up this morning and she was in a heightened state of anxiety. We had an appointment at the bank to sort out her account and take Dad's name off the joint account etc. my brother was pacing, obviously hungover, talking about a nightmare he'd had and how bad he was feeling. I would call it alcohol withdrawal. He simply cannot see how his behaviour affects her.

I took her out, went to the bank, bought the food for after the funeral, and when we came back he was slumped in the chair my Dad used watching tv. He made no effort to get up to help his Mum carry in the bags of groceries.

But the change in her in the 3 hours we had been out was remarkable. When she is away from him she becomes more confident and self-assured. She is just so easily drawn into his world. She did it for years with my Dad, and he has just replaced him.

She would not consider going to an AlAnon or an AA meeting. She is a very private person and wouldn't open up or want anyone to know her business. She was offered free counselling via the hospice that cared for Dad, but she wouldn't consider that either. She really is dependent on me and my sister to help her through this.

Thank you for your replies everyone

Spinach

Jen, what ever happens the rift is there. The solution is family therapy and that doesn't seem like an option! You can only be there for your Mum to help her through.
Love John.