Crushed
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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Crushed
It's like he psychically knew I picked up the papers today from the lawyer. I wasn't supposed to get them until Monday. I got a text. The sadly most caring thing he has said to me since our wedding. All it says is "are you happy without me".
Of course I'm not. I'm not happy. What is there to be happy about. I was supposed to be a wife. With a husband. All I got was a ball of furious anger seeking only to control and belittle me until I cracked. Well. Congratulations. I came really close. But I'm going to be ok. I turn in the papers the 1st dY I can get a morning off work. Wishfully Monday. Logically Tuesday. The pain is crushing. My doctor gave me anxiety medicine. It makes me sleep. I think I need that tonight. I can't believe I'm getting divorced after only 2 months.
Of course I'm not. I'm not happy. What is there to be happy about. I was supposed to be a wife. With a husband. All I got was a ball of furious anger seeking only to control and belittle me until I cracked. Well. Congratulations. I came really close. But I'm going to be ok. I turn in the papers the 1st dY I can get a morning off work. Wishfully Monday. Logically Tuesday. The pain is crushing. My doctor gave me anxiety medicine. It makes me sleep. I think I need that tonight. I can't believe I'm getting divorced after only 2 months.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
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"Are you happy?" "I hope you're happy."
Ignore that noise. It's straight out of their script. My ex says something like that every time something happens to make HIM unhappy- me leaving, him having to pay child support, his parent cutting him off.
It's part of the narcissistic all or nothing mentality. He's unhappy so therefore that must make you happy. Because he is happy when others are unhappy.
Weird when you keep writing out the word "happy" it starts to seem like it's not a real word. Or maybe it's just past my bedtime. Anyway, that's been my experience with the guilt tripping alcoholic bs.
Ignore that noise. It's straight out of their script. My ex says something like that every time something happens to make HIM unhappy- me leaving, him having to pay child support, his parent cutting him off.
It's part of the narcissistic all or nothing mentality. He's unhappy so therefore that must make you happy. Because he is happy when others are unhappy.
Weird when you keep writing out the word "happy" it starts to seem like it's not a real word. Or maybe it's just past my bedtime. Anyway, that's been my experience with the guilt tripping alcoholic bs.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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Take Monday morning off and get the papers in. You'll feel better once you do.
And yes, ignore the noise. He'll probably go through self-pity and accusations and please take me back and I'll quit drinking and everything will go back to being great and cycle through that for a while. If you can cut off contact, it might help your peace of mind.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. But you will get through it. Out the other side. Stronger. And yes, you will be happy again. And you'll wake up one morning and realize that all day yesterday, you didn't think of him at all. Promise.
And yes, ignore the noise. He'll probably go through self-pity and accusations and please take me back and I'll quit drinking and everything will go back to being great and cycle through that for a while. If you can cut off contact, it might help your peace of mind.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. But you will get through it. Out the other side. Stronger. And yes, you will be happy again. And you'll wake up one morning and realize that all day yesterday, you didn't think of him at all. Promise.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 256
My AH told me that I seemed too happy when he came to visit 2 days after I kicked him out. He needed more of his stuff. In reality, I was happy, b/c it was peaceful for me and the kids for the first time in weeks!
When they are depressed/miserable/hung over or whatever they all try to ruin our day if we seem too happy. It's what that do.
If you can, take monday off, file the papers and do something fun/special for yourself! You deserve it.
When they are depressed/miserable/hung over or whatever they all try to ruin our day if we seem too happy. It's what that do.
If you can, take monday off, file the papers and do something fun/special for yourself! You deserve it.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 113
I don't think it's possible to take Monday off but I think I can get Tuesday morning. I wish those damn what ifs would get out of my head bc I know there is no why if. It is what it is. He showed me what he is.
When I kicked him out if he had switched and gotten really nice he could have pulled me back in for more but he didn't do that. Thank god. I don't want to be divorced. I don't want him to be a monster but the fact is he is a monster. No amount of love will ever change him. I dread the day I get the call that he is dead. I dread even more the day I get the call and the old him is back. The fun loving protecting wonderful man I was supposed to get. I have a feeling he is about to pull that guy back out. I think I will see him once he is served. I don't think he thinks I'm really going to do it. But I am. Sadly.
Oh give me strength if/when my wonderful amazing man shows back up. I know it is all just a game to get his punching bag back.
When I kicked him out if he had switched and gotten really nice he could have pulled me back in for more but he didn't do that. Thank god. I don't want to be divorced. I don't want him to be a monster but the fact is he is a monster. No amount of love will ever change him. I dread the day I get the call that he is dead. I dread even more the day I get the call and the old him is back. The fun loving protecting wonderful man I was supposed to get. I have a feeling he is about to pull that guy back out. I think I will see him once he is served. I don't think he thinks I'm really going to do it. But I am. Sadly.
Oh give me strength if/when my wonderful amazing man shows back up. I know it is all just a game to get his punching bag back.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
I got a text. The sadly most caring thing he has said to me since our wedding. All it says is "are you happy without me".
I don't read this the way you do. I read it as his disbelief that you can function without him. His belief that "no one I choose can ever be happy without me. Because I am SO IMPORTANT. The world (and you) need me". I don't think this has anything at all to do with his caring about you. It is not sad; it is highly manipulative. That little phrase "without me" is intended to make you feel sorry for him and guilty for "abandoning" him.
To me, this is also the first of many probes geared to make you doubt that you can be happy on your own. Don't listen.
I dread even more the day I get the call and the old him is back. The fun loving protecting wonderful man I was supposed to get. I have a feeling he is about to pull that guy back out. I think I will see him once he is served. I don't think he thinks I'm really going to do it. But I am. Sadly.
Oh give me strength if/when my wonderful amazing man shows back up. I know it is all just a game to get his punching bag back.
From my 20 years married to a man who was extremely successful at being a narcissist and alcoholic, I'm pretty sure you will see that "fun loving protecting wonderful man" again. That persona is one of many your husband uses to get what he wants. That persona hooked you in the first place, and he will use it to try to get you back.
You are so right on to understand this is a tactic in a long and disturbing war he will wage to "not lose you". You are a possession, one he thinks he needs to keep his dysfunctions in balance, and he will fight to keep his possessions. From my experience, this doesn't have anything at all to do with his loving you or having any comprehension about how he has treated you.
When his plaintive entreaties "how can you live without ME" and his put-downs "how can YOU manage to live at all without me to run your life?" don't work, I'd expect anger and threats next.
It's like living with a man who operates out of the wardrobe room of a theater. Each time one role doesn't work, he just changes into another costume and tries that one to see what he can get.
I am so glad that you are leaving after two months. After 2 months married to my new husband, I wanted out. I knew something was wrong but I couldn't put my finger on it and everyone around me, including my therapist, told me I was nuts and to stay.
Now I believe you know what you know whether anyone else can see it. I stayed 19 years and 10 months too long, and the damage I let happen to me was deep. You can recover from this and discover what it is about you and your past that led you to make this choice. And you can have a happy fulfilling life ahead.
ShootingStar1
I don't read this the way you do. I read it as his disbelief that you can function without him. His belief that "no one I choose can ever be happy without me. Because I am SO IMPORTANT. The world (and you) need me". I don't think this has anything at all to do with his caring about you. It is not sad; it is highly manipulative. That little phrase "without me" is intended to make you feel sorry for him and guilty for "abandoning" him.
To me, this is also the first of many probes geared to make you doubt that you can be happy on your own. Don't listen.
I dread even more the day I get the call and the old him is back. The fun loving protecting wonderful man I was supposed to get. I have a feeling he is about to pull that guy back out. I think I will see him once he is served. I don't think he thinks I'm really going to do it. But I am. Sadly.
Oh give me strength if/when my wonderful amazing man shows back up. I know it is all just a game to get his punching bag back.
From my 20 years married to a man who was extremely successful at being a narcissist and alcoholic, I'm pretty sure you will see that "fun loving protecting wonderful man" again. That persona is one of many your husband uses to get what he wants. That persona hooked you in the first place, and he will use it to try to get you back.
You are so right on to understand this is a tactic in a long and disturbing war he will wage to "not lose you". You are a possession, one he thinks he needs to keep his dysfunctions in balance, and he will fight to keep his possessions. From my experience, this doesn't have anything at all to do with his loving you or having any comprehension about how he has treated you.
When his plaintive entreaties "how can you live without ME" and his put-downs "how can YOU manage to live at all without me to run your life?" don't work, I'd expect anger and threats next.
It's like living with a man who operates out of the wardrobe room of a theater. Each time one role doesn't work, he just changes into another costume and tries that one to see what he can get.
I am so glad that you are leaving after two months. After 2 months married to my new husband, I wanted out. I knew something was wrong but I couldn't put my finger on it and everyone around me, including my therapist, told me I was nuts and to stay.
Now I believe you know what you know whether anyone else can see it. I stayed 19 years and 10 months too long, and the damage I let happen to me was deep. You can recover from this and discover what it is about you and your past that led you to make this choice. And you can have a happy fulfilling life ahead.
ShootingStar1
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