I think I actually DO want this divorce!!!
 

A few days ago my STBXAH came over to pick up our daughter. He and I were hanging out in the living room while she was getting ready, talking about some financial stuff, when he made a comment that we would do better financially if we put off the pending divorce for a while.

I kind of laughed and said “Yeah, your absolutely right, but that’s not gonna happen.”

The which he replied “Why, it makes perfect sense.”

I felt a big grin creep over my face, and looking him straight in the eyes I said “Dude, have you met you?”

And for the first time since I walked into that attorneys office, sat in that chair, and while crying, signed my name on that line, I realized I actually WANT this.

I received a letter in the mail yesterday. The mediation date is set for November. I am completely, utterly, unequivocally, scared sh@tless. I’m over 50, on the verge of bankrupcy. I have no real job to speak of, no marketable skills, no family or close friends within 2500 miles. A daughter on the brink of adulthood who needs my guidance, and horribly spoiled cat who's demands for food and petting border on abusive.

I’m scared.

I feel like I'm at the top of a roller coaster. I’m excited to see what the world wants to show me. I want to put my hands in the air and scream as it shoots down the track. I love roller coasters.

I know I’m doing the right thing.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I can use all the positive energy I can get.

Scream your head off!!!! I am. I want my divorce so bad I can taste it. I'm lucky and we have no ties once the judge signs off, we have no children together. I'm hoping he just goes away and my lawyer says he will. It's going to be tough for a while financially but I will make it through and so will you. I can already feel my sanity returning. I'm at peace with myself and at home. I'm living for my son and my life and I'm thankful I saw the light before it got so bad it was physical. Your doing the right thing for you and that's all that matters. The life you will enter will be your own. You can make anything you want of it. Make it happy and make it great. I'm with you holding your hand. Give yourself the future YOU want. 50 is the new 30. Take your life back and take back yourself. You deserve it.

I am so rooting for you and in so excited to hear about what life has in store for you!

You're in my thoughts and prayers! :)

"Dude, have you met you?
LMAO!

omg, your post made me laugh for the first time today!

Best wishes to you! This is a good thing...

Karma, babe, I'm your age and I moved states and embarked on an entirely new career (that I can't say I love, but hey, it's new and it's a job and I'm making money and like Edison when he invented the lightbulb, I've found One More Thing I do NOT want to do for a living!).

You sound like you're totally ready to wipe the dust from this marriage off your feet and go on to the next good thing.

And you know what I found? That there are women out there just like us running businesses and hiring people like us. That is, if you don't get a brilliant idea to start your own business. ;) My boss and her second-in-command are both (older) survivors of abusive marriages. They hire folks like us because -- well, we've been through the wringer and we don't sweat the small stuff and we don't create unnecessary drama...

YOU are going to be JUST FINE. Wheeeeeeee!

Thanks guys. It means so much to know I have you all behind me.

I know I'm preaching to the choir here, but it's so important for me to have the support of people who get it. My STBXAH is a nice enough guy. He doesn't mean any harm, and we probably get along better now than we have in ages. I'm very, very lucky that way, and I know it. Still, living in a house with active addiction was like living in a carnival fun house. Totally disorienting. Sometimes it feels like I'm simply trying to figure out how gravity works again. But, like I said, you get it.

You all help turn my fear of the unknown into excitement of the possibilities. I'm so grateful to everyone here.