puddle

Hello, I'm here because of my husband. He has always drank a lot since we met but he had cut back ever since we had a baby who is still very young. He has frequently said he wants to stop drinking or that he is taking a break from drinking but then he says he needs a drink to go to sleep or to calm his anxiety. He admits he is physically addicted to alcohol.

Today he went to the hospital for bad stomach pain and it turns out he has pancreatitis. He has to be hospitalized for several days. His heart rate is very high and the doctors say he may be having alcohol withdrawal or some other kind of sickness on top of the pancreatitis. He told the doctor he drinks 3 - 7 drinks a day and I didn't realize it was that much. He told me that the IPA beers that he drinks count as more units than regular beers. So maybe he does drink the same amount as he did before but I didn't even realize it. He definitely used to binge drink and get drunk a lot and so it's strange that now he gets sick and before he didn't.

I am just feeling overwhelmed and already had stress from being a new mom with physical and emotional issues from attempts at breastfeeding and related illnesses and struggles. I know I should be mad at him but I mostly feel really bad for him. I can tell that he doesn't want to do this but he does. At the same time I know I can't cure him and I need to focus on myself and my son, even though I do love my husband and I do want to support him in not drinking if that's what he wants.

I am looking for some support and I don't want to go to Alanon because I am an atheist and I don't believe in a higher power. I am also not a people person and am very private so I would prefer an online support group.

guava

Welcome and sorry you have to be here. I am new to this group too and others may be able to provide a great deal more wisdom/experience but I did want to make one comment about Alanon. I'm agnostic but I have found Alanon to be very helpful. For me I think of the group itself as my higher power and I take from it what fits and leave the rest behind. The connections with people, hearing their experiences and getting an understanding that I didn't cause it, I can't control it an I can't cure it has been invaluable in bringing me a sense of calmness I didn't think was possible in my life right now. I wonder if, as a private person, you might want to give one of their phone meetings a try. You can just listen and not talk.

I hope you find some strength and peace during this overwhelming time.

KidsR#1

Welcome to SR. This is a great place to post and there is lots of support!

Also while your husband is in the hospital and focusing on his own health and recovery, make sure you take care of yourself. New parents are usually offered lots of help from family and friends, so make sure you take them up on their help. This is from one mom to another who "tried to do it all" when my first child was born.

CodeJob

Well Puddle, Welcome to SR!

You focus on you and your wee one. That is more than enough on your plate, don't you think? Let him deal with his issues.

PinkCloudsCharley

One open AA meeting i went to said that a higher power can be a doorknob, as long as you trust in it. You don't need a God high in the sky to believe in a higher power. Some people believe in the goodness of the universe. Some people believe nature is their higher power.

I'm an introvert. CoDA is good for me. I don't have to speak unless I want to and can leave immediately after if i don't feel like chatting.

Stung

Welcome to SR, Puddle.

Congratulations on your little guy. I'm sorry that your husband has created some alcohol/health issues for himself that do not allow him to support you during your transition into parenthood. That unfortunately puts you in the position of acting as a single parent. I can empathize, my youngest just turn a year and my oldest is about to turn three and my husband has been a daily drinker (to the point of blacked out stupors) for the better part of the last 3 years.

I just recently started going to al-anon and I find that it's really helpful and it's not pushy about the God/Higher Power stuff - but I'm in California in a pretty liberal area so your milage may vary depending on where you live. I imagine that an al-anon meeting in the sticks of Wisconsin might push the God stuff more.

As far as support for you, have you read the stickied posts at the top of this forum? There is a lot of really great information in those posts if you haven't checked them out yet. This is also a really good place to share and receive experience, hope and support from other members who have gone through or are currently going through the same stuff that you're experiencing. You're not alone.

redatlanta

My husband has chronic pancreatitis from his alcoholism. He was sober ten years the. Relapsed a couple months, now sober again 2 more years.

I hope your husband will take this wake up call very seriously. Chronic pancreatitis is the gift of alcoholism that keeps on giving.... Usually ending up with diabetes to boot. I am sure the do firs will tell him no more alcohol. Whether it not that is enough to scare the s**t out of him who knows. If he keeps drinking and it becomes chronic he will wish he never ever drank in his whole life.

I hope you take some time to rest while he is hospitalized. I am sorry you are having to deal with this.

Taking5

Welcome. Recovered alcoholic here.

While he may have been truthful to the Dr., a good rule of thumb is to double what he told the Dr. he was consuming. Maybe even more.

If he has pancreatitis he needs to stop to live a productive life. There isn't really a lot you can do to "support" him, IMHO. He either wants it or not. Alanon will help you deal with things in a healthy way. You aren't going to get preached to. There won't be bibles in the room. No one is going to try to convert you. You may ear the word "Jesus" as an expletive. If you don't like it you don't have to go back. But you ought to try it yourself and make your own judgment on it.

CodeJob

Hi Puddle,

Most of us on SR are pretty pro-Al Anon. If you are bright, you can figure things out through step 3 here with SR. You will learn A LOT of Al Anon here because it helps.

Friends and Family Step Study - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

With H sick as a dog and a new one, you can snag computer time and learn enough here to make more informed decisions about your future and work to get to a face to face meeting in your own time when you are ready to push yourself. I do recommend a meeting in time...

I was looking for the link to Courage to Change, which is a nice daily reader and is copied around here somewhere.

But I found this book study for my favorite book and if you look it over I imagine you can determine if this book will help you.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ook-study.html

Live

I felt comfortable with GOD=Good Orderly Direction

puddle

Hi everyone and thanks for all the help. My husband is still in the hospital. He is in the ICU and had to be intubated and have a central pic line to his heart for blood pressure medications. They now say he is stabilized and is doing better but I thought he was going to die. They can't really say what will happen although they said most people with pancreatitis recover and even though his is a very severe case he is young, early 30's, and has youth on his side. But they have been running breathing trials to get him off the ventilator for days now and he still can't breathe on his own yet.

I feel like I am living a nightmare. Luckily his family is local and is helping me cope but everyone is very worried. Luckily our baby is doing well but I can't believe how bad everything is otherwise. It was just so scary for awhile as even the doctors didn't know what was going on with him, and now he is supposedly getting better but he is in so much pain and looks like death. I've never seen someone so sick who didn't die, I.e. Grandparents and other older relatives.

I may go to alanon when things settle down and for now I'm looking online. It is strange to me that the only group like that is religious. I guess to some people it's not religious but from what I've read, praying to a higher power sounds like the epitome of religious to me. But I don't know what else to do so I might as well try it out. The doctors have said he needs to stop drinking and that they will give him resources once he recovers. I hope he uses them. When he was in the ER and still with it, he kept saying he is sorry for doing this. He has been crying although he can't talk. I am sure everyone feels that way when they are so sick and I just worry that it won't stick. I want to have faith in him but I just get so worried. I know that everyone says this but he is such a great guy and husband and father. I have no idea how much drinking he was hiding from me but he hadn't been visibly drunk or hungover for months, since our son was born. It is so confusing. I am trying not to focus on him too much but that's hard considering the circumstances. Thank you for the support.

ladyscribbler

Oh wow. What a terrible situation. Big hugs to you and your baby. Hopefully your husband gets through this and reaches for recovery. Alcoholism is a terrible disease.
As for the Alanon/HP stuff, don't worry too much about that. I am not especially religious and the HP references and prayers have never bothered me. It's more like part of the routine for meetings, which I find very comforting and relaxing.
Take some time and do something for you. This is such a stressful situation with a sick husband and a new baby, it is important that you do things to care for yourself. It is easy to run yourself ragged taking care of a baby and a sick husband. I've been there. Taking time out might seem selfish, but it will actually make you a happier more relaxed mommy and wife, which is good for your whole family.

guava

Oh I am so sorry you are in this position. I truly hope your husband recovers quickly and this is the catalyst for change.

I could have written your words "It is strange to me that the only group like that is religious." I didn't like the first Alanon group I tried but I loved the second - much better fit. Each group has a different vibe. There are definitely some spiritual people in my group but everyone is warm, welcoming and I've learned from their experiences.

You have a lot going on right now, but I hope you take ladyscribbler's advice and take some time to just focus on you. It really is the best thing you can do for you, your husband and baby.

puddle

Hello everyone. It has been a year since my husband was hospitalized and I just wanted to give an update. He spent 10 days in the hospital with severe acute pancreatitis and was intubated in the ICU but luckily he survived. Due to the meds he was on and the trauma his body/mind went through, he doesn't remember anything from the time he was admitted to the ER until the moment they took him off the ventilator. But he does remember the pain he endured before going to the ER.

He didn't drink for about 9 months but then he started seeing if he could have a beer now and then which turned into some recent binge incidents. A couple days ago after returning from our vacation where he drank more heavily/frequently than he had in the prior 3 months or so since he returned to drinking off and on, he felt very sick and was afraid of having to go back to the hospital but he resolved it himself by staying in bed for 2 days and not eating anything but a juice diet.

He is very apologetic and says he was stupid to think he could have a drink now and then, and was asking me not to divorce him. (At this time I have no intention of divorcing him but I do fear what might happen in the future if things continue down this road and I told him I want him to stop drinking.) At the time he was hospitalized our son was 6 weeks old and now he is just over a year old. I feel angry at my husband for drinking when he knows it could kill him but I also feel a great deal of sympathy for him and I know that something psychologically propels him to drink when he knows he shouldn't. I just want him to not drink so that we can continue to have a good life together but I know that I cannot make him do or not do anything.

My husband sees a counselor whom he had started seeing just before he went into the hospital (so he has been in therapy for a little over a year now). A year ago, after he had been drinking a lot he had cut down quite a bit before he got the pancreatitis and was trying to improve his life after some childhood/teenage trauma and more recently the tragedy of losing our first child just before birth. (We then had the second baby less than a year later). He has told his counselor about his recent drinking and the counselor thinks he should take medication to stop drinking. He referred him to a psychiatrist who can prescribe the medication. He also suggested marriage counseling because we have been having some issues that I think are mostly due to his drinking but also our communication styles. So I think we will be going to marriage counseling, which is strange because I always thought we had a great relationship but I guess it's not as good as I thought. I feel really sad about that because I'm estranged from my family of origin due to verbal and emotional abuse and dysfunction (and my dad is an alcoholic although he doesn't admit it but my mom has some kind of personality disorder which makes her cruel and downright abusive)... since meeting him I have thought my husband was my best friend and if it weren't for him I couldn't make it through the loss of our child... so to feel alienated from him like this (not even that he is doing anything or pushing me away, but maybe I am pushing him away, or just don't feel close to him due to all of this) is hard for me.

I have been back lurking and reading here and have learned a lot so far. I am trying to support my husband in his desire not to drink while at the same time realizing it's all a big unknown and trying to focus on myself and our son. (My husband is otherwise a very good husband and father and those 9 months of him not drinking were so great.)

I'm afraid of him having to go back to the hospital or the other negative effects of drinking and I'm not sure whether I should congratulate him for going back to not drinking, or really what my attitude should be (or if it matters at all, which from my reading here, it seems that it really doesn't matter.) I guess I feel like I'm just biding time seeing what will happen and hoping for the best. I do love my husband but sometimes I wonder if I have lost faith in him and the last thing I want to do is make him feel like I don't believe in him. But neither am I good at being fake so I just don't really say much except that I hope he will not drink and I'm glad he didn't have to go to the hospital.

When he drinks or feels sick it feels like I am very all-consumed with worry on top of an anxiety disorder I already have. So I am trying my best to separate my thoughts from him and to improve my own life. That's hard for me and I know I am rather co-dependent on him so I am working on that because I want my son to have the best life possible and of course I want the best life possible for myself (and my husband too but I know it is up to him and not me to want that enough). I'm here to keep learning and I just wanted to give everyone that update and say I will likely be around more and contributing I hope.

puddle

Thanks everyone fore reading/saying thank you or hugging/liking my update post. (I am not sure of the terminology.) I appreciate it.

TidyTeal

I'm new to this, but Coda is helping me with my stuff and how I think about alcoholism, how I react and how to better myself. I can only change me....basically.

I was looking online and there ARE secular recovery programs, altho scattered and for me not local. I was shocked cause the whole HP thing also gave me fits as I'm not christian. Discovering there actually are alternatives to it took away all that particular internal stress and I was able to approach Coda with a much better attitude.

Just knowing I had an alternative made a difference.

All of this is a process, not a straight line, so don't be discouraged.

ShootingStar1

Hey, we're all here with you whenever you need us.

It is a difficult place to be in - hopeful that your husband will return to a healthy sober path, and yet fearful that he won't.

Probably time to focus on yourself, your own emotional and physical health, and your own path. The more you can let him be him and let him do whatever it is that he will do, and strengthen your own identity and your own life, the better off you will be to face the future.

You might allay your anxiety somewhat if you start to make a Plan B - what you would do and how you would survive without him. Getting financial security yourself, making friends and finding a strong support network, developing your own interests - these will all serve you well whether or not you stay with your husband longterm.

Alcoholism is progressive, and when an alcoholic deludes themselves that they can drink now and then, it is like trying to be "only a little bit" pregnant. If he is an alcoholic, and he continues to drink, the prognosis is not good. Many of us, in retrospect, find that we slid down the path devastation right with our spouses/partners, even when we thought we were supporting and helping them.

The best thing I could have done for myself way way back was to find and claim my own identity, my own life, even while married to an alcoholic.

ShootingStar1

HHTexas

My AH relapsed when I was 8 months pregnant. I was sick with worry he would miss the birth and or not be able to drive me to the hospital. Luckily this didn't happen. He did drink again when DS was a week or so old. Looking back, I'm so grateful i had my mom for help for a couple of weeks. Take care of your sweet baby and yourself! Husband is getting care in the hospital. Quite frankly, I wouldn't bother to visit. Been there, done that too😎

puddle

Thanks ShootingStar. I have definitely tried to focus more on myself during this past year and I agree it helps a lot.

Husband has been sober again for over a week so that's good but I know it is all up to him and can be unpredictable. So I am doing my best to support and encourage and believe in him while also in the back of my mind knowing that if he wants to drink again he will and it could have very bad results.

Luckily I do have my own higher education and career and interests; I have never been good at making friends (or even finding the right/good kind of people to be friends with) but I have been working on strengthening the friendships I do have and trying to find others with similar interests. .I have met a lot of mom friends but we mainly have playdates and talk about the babies and it seems like the babies are the focus of and reason for the relationship and we rarely if ever get together without the babies. A lot of my mom-friends can rarely even leave their babies to go anywhere by themselves and I'm lucky in that my husband enjoys spending one on one time with our son and encourages me to get out and about (I have the tendency to be quite hermit-like). And his family also babysits for us quite a bit. So I've been trying to find friends that don't have kids or that are cool about getting together sometimes with and sometimes without kids and making the relationship more about the moms than the kids. And I've been trying to work on my fitness and healthy eating goals as wel.

redatlanta

Alcoholism is hard to get when things go bad our logic minds say "why are you drinking"!! Moreso I think when physical illness is involved. That your husband would go back to drinking tells me he isn't in a recovery program, and is most likely white knocking his way through. Antabuse, the medication you mention, is not a recovery program. Pancreatitis makes illness from antabuse look like a burp.

Do you have any boundaries as far as what you are willing to live with? I mentioned to you last year what developed from my husband's chronic pancreatitis - type 1 diabetes - which is not uncommon with CP. Once the pancreas becomes chronic you also have digestion issues, hospitalizations that can be a result of food eaten, further flare ups. You ask what should your attitude be and whether you should congratulate him for not drinking or what you should be doing. I think you need to really think about how you want to live your life and if that is inclusive of a husband who could end up disabled and unable to work. Sick, in and out of the hospital etc. Because that is the potential you are looking at everytime he goes back to the bottle. What it takes for someone to become chronic is not measurable. It could be one more round, it might take 30 , but it will come that I promise if he doesn't stop FOREVER.

For me he would need to commit to never drinking again and get into whatever recovery program immediately. You can't make him, but you can decide what you are willing to live with and let that be known.