putting it out there mostly for myself
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Join Date: Jun 2014
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putting it out there mostly for myself
My RAH and I had marriage counseling yesterday. I have been doing okay. I don't snoop anymore or ask questions, if he says he is going somewhere I assume that is true. I have no reason to assume all is well or all is not well I'm choosing to believe for my own sanity. I let some feelings out in counseling about feeling alone, the bottom priority, hurt and rejected. None of this is new but maybe he though because I wasn't on him about it and just being friendly and pleasant to him most days these feelings were gone? Anyway...
Last night after an "intimate encounter" I found myself in with him, I was sad and started to cry. He asked if I was okay. I said "you don't like me anymore" which is honestly how I feel in my most hidden, abandoned, codependent fear driven mind. His reply "you need to get over that". I got up and left to sleep somewhere else. I thought out of all the kind, loving things he could say at a time like that those were his word to me. I wanted reassurance, sweet words and other romantic movie bs I guess but this is what I needed to hear. I'm not going to care if he likes me. I'm going to care if I like myself. We are at a point in our marriage where he is allowed to be selfish working on his recovery and I'm going to do the same thing. We could divorce, he could die tomorrow and it would still be about him and if he "liked" me? Funny thing is I don't really "like" him right now anyway so why should I care? I don't like him but that doesn't mean i don't love him. We are both trying and that's either going to be good enough for now or its not. I'm still a silly little girl at times, but I'm learning.
Last night after an "intimate encounter" I found myself in with him, I was sad and started to cry. He asked if I was okay. I said "you don't like me anymore" which is honestly how I feel in my most hidden, abandoned, codependent fear driven mind. His reply "you need to get over that". I got up and left to sleep somewhere else. I thought out of all the kind, loving things he could say at a time like that those were his word to me. I wanted reassurance, sweet words and other romantic movie bs I guess but this is what I needed to hear. I'm not going to care if he likes me. I'm going to care if I like myself. We are at a point in our marriage where he is allowed to be selfish working on his recovery and I'm going to do the same thing. We could divorce, he could die tomorrow and it would still be about him and if he "liked" me? Funny thing is I don't really "like" him right now anyway so why should I care? I don't like him but that doesn't mean i don't love him. We are both trying and that's either going to be good enough for now or its not. I'm still a silly little girl at times, but I'm learning.
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It really sounds like you're weaving your way through this, step by step. And your thinking about your feelings seems very clear and rational -- still hurts though, doesn't it? 
One day at a time. And sometimes, ten minutes at a time. You're going the right direction -- probably not as fast as you'd like, right? -- but you're doing it. Be proud of that.
One day at a time. And sometimes, ten minutes at a time. You're going the right direction -- probably not as fast as you'd like, right? -- but you're doing it. Be proud of that.
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bringiton.....It is sooo normal to want to feel closeness from your life partner. I think it says a lot that you feel alone even when you are with him.
Anvilhead posted a thread the other day that said something to this effect: "When someone loves you..you feel loved". I will add to that...love is not supposed to hurt.
From your post...it looks to me like you have a good "plan" for how to approach this and deal with your feelings. I don't know how early he is in his recovery (sorry, if I don't remember)....It is a selfish time for the recovering alcoholic, to be sure.
It may play out that he just doesn't have the capacity to love you the way you need to be l oved. That happens, sometimes...
Your feelings are important...your thoughts matter. You are important (just as much as him). I suggest adding alanon to your mix, if you haven't already. This is what alanon is all about....you.
You are going to be o.k. with whatever the future holds...
dandylion
Anvilhead posted a thread the other day that said something to this effect: "When someone loves you..you feel loved". I will add to that...love is not supposed to hurt.
From your post...it looks to me like you have a good "plan" for how to approach this and deal with your feelings. I don't know how early he is in his recovery (sorry, if I don't remember)....It is a selfish time for the recovering alcoholic, to be sure.
It may play out that he just doesn't have the capacity to love you the way you need to be l oved. That happens, sometimes...
Your feelings are important...your thoughts matter. You are important (just as much as him). I suggest adding alanon to your mix, if you haven't already. This is what alanon is all about....you.
You are going to be o.k. with whatever the future holds...
dandylion
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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bringiton, I'm in a marriage of 18 years w/an RAH who is a year sober. Although he is much more engaged in life in general than he was while drinking, I also see that same lack of understanding of how his actions or words can hurt someone else. Yes, yes, I know that no one can make me feel any particular way, it's up to me in how I frame it and if I take it personally or not. However, in Alanon, we are taught to "say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean." I'd like things to not be "said mean" to me, either. But are they really being "said mean", or just not in the way I want to hear?
Like you, I vacillate between liking him and not. I sometimes put pressure on myself to decide, black or white, whether things are OK or not. Then that leads me to want to put pressure on HIM to do--I don't even know what. I want him to do "better", to be who I want him to be, to act how I think he should act.
Typing this out, I see I need to refocus on me. Thanks for posting this and giving me the opportunity to start thinking thru this--it's been on my mind a lot. Hope you find some help here also.
Like you, I vacillate between liking him and not. I sometimes put pressure on myself to decide, black or white, whether things are OK or not. Then that leads me to want to put pressure on HIM to do--I don't even know what. I want him to do "better", to be who I want him to be, to act how I think he should act.
Typing this out, I see I need to refocus on me. Thanks for posting this and giving me the opportunity to start thinking thru this--it's been on my mind a lot. Hope you find some help here also.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
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He is about 73 days in. 2-3 meetings a day and just started step four. Step four isn't pretty so I'm trying to give him some extra space and encouragement. Selfish disease and selfish recovery. I'm committed to staying through a year and then reassess.
Sometimes I wish the situation was black or white but I don't even trust myself at this point to make a perminant decision.
Lilamy, īt broke my heart at first. Sometimes ten minutes at a time is questionable. We both want it all fixed NOW!! Doesn't everyone? Fast and painless.
Thanks for the words of encouragement and letting me know I'm not alone : )
Sometimes I wish the situation was black or white but I don't even trust myself at this point to make a perminant decision.
Lilamy, īt broke my heart at first. Sometimes ten minutes at a time is questionable. We both want it all fixed NOW!! Doesn't everyone? Fast and painless.
Thanks for the words of encouragement and letting me know I'm not alone : )
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