Tansy

Can being alone give you mental health issues? I'm talking never see anyone to talk to from one week to the next alone, ( unless you count arguments with very obnoxious, shouty, pointy 15 year old who is moving out to be with x soon) only conversations are on Facebook. Only voices heard from the TV. Other child staying with me never speaks as severally autistic and won't go out but can't be left long either. I cannot get a carer in for him. I've tried. I'm a sociable person but until my house sells I feel in limbo. Once moved we will be in a place I can go out more as I will be able to get back to him easily. The isolation and feeling so utterly adrift has me waking up shaking. I can do alone but this is like desert island alone. I've started talking to myself. I don't know how to change it. I feel like I'm going down a bit ..kind of depressed and anxious. It's not a happy way to live.

TonightTonight

Tansy, yes, I think that kind of isolation can have damaging effects. We're social creatures, we're not meant to be alone. I've felt similarly to you before, it was very painful.

Are you in Al Anon or any other recovery program? There may be phone meetings in which you can reach out. Is there a church or some outside source of fellowship from which you could receive outreach visitors?

I'm so sorry you are feeling alone. You are never alone here, though. Hugs...

Tansy

The only Al anon is where I'm moving too. I live in a rural area and there's nothing much here. I got to church but it takes 40 minutes on a train to get too. Last person I spoke to for 5 minutes was last Sunday. I worry leaving my son here that long too. It's so hard. It almost harder the x ah being here cos at least I had someone to argue with. He left and all my children bar 3 left with him. They aren't living with him but nearer by. 2 more go soon. He got everything his way and I am left scrapping my life back together.

bringiton

Tansy, I'm the mom of an autistic boy. My son is verbal but does not have conversations. Must days it's him telling or screaming his demands. I feel like that alone can make a person go crazy. I'm so sorry you are feeling so depressed. I can relate to that level of isolation. I don't know that I have any real advice I just wanted you to know that I get it and it's not easy and it can feel so empty and ugly being alone. I used to leave a TV on all the time just for the noise, especially at night trying to sleep.

Not sure if you would feel comfortable but maybe just pick up the phone. Call the church? Please remember it will pass, I know it sounds stupid but it's true. Not sure where you are but I can get a professional to stay with my boy for an outing through some government programs. (I understand he may be too old for that.)

I'm sorry. Sometimes a new life can be better than a fake one. At least maybe you can make this new life yours. Not someone else's idea or agenda but all yours and in a few years I bet you will be darn proud of it.

Tansy

I don't know who to call tbh. I have the church on facebook tho. I think my feeling is it won't pass. I have this child for life and much as I love him he is the hardest one to look after. X craftily picked off the easier ones and has left me in a situation I have no support and no hope of changing things around. I think x hoped I'd take him back cos of this but I won't. I cannot get help with him as he is nearly 16. I discovered today he can't even open the front door. He won't use a phone....It's all a bit grim really. My only hope is selling quickly but I've not had one viewer. It's scary cos I do stupid things when I am totally isolated...as has been proved by x lol

honeypig

Tansy, I really hope your move/sale goes smoothly, and I hope even more that you can find some kind of help w/the care of your son. It isn't healthy for us to neglect ourselves at the expense of someone else, no matter whether the person is an A or a special needs child.

I have no experience w/the level of isolation you're describing, but from my own little corner of the world, I spent 9 years working from home as a medical transcriptionist, a fairly isolated job. I didn't attend outside activities or have any friends to speak of outside of acquaintances from work, and by the time my A's alcoholism became apparent, I really had no support system.

Since then, I've become involved here at SR and at Alanon as well as leaving that line of work for a job (actually 2 jobs, one part-time and one full-time) where I'm out and about and interacting w/people. It has made a HUGE difference in my outlook and emotional balance. I was angry and stewing about something at work the other AM--then I pulled into a gas station to fuel up and noticed a big, very beautiful spider web on the top of the pump that you could only see when the sun hit it just right. I pointed it out to the fellow at the next pump down, who had a mountain bike on the top of his car. He agreed that the web was really cool and we then went on to talk about his upcoming bike ride, where he was going, etc. (My van has a 32-gallon tank and can take a while to fill!)

The end result was that my mood had done a complete 180, simply b/c I had the opportunity to share something cool and a moment in time w/an absolute stranger. This doesn't happen when you're closed up in your house and in your mind.

I hope things change for you, Tansy.

KidsR#1

Is there some in home respite programs available in your area? I used to work for an agency that worked with families and individuals with disabilities. Even families that had children over the age of 18 were eligible for some respite, usually covered by some sort of medicaid or government program. Maybe contact your local Dept of Social Services or other Developmental Disability offices. Even after you move, having this as an option may be helpful for you.

torquemax777

I second what Kid'R#1 said. I was wondering if where you are moving to might have some autism support groups where that in and if itself would be a big way to socialize with others who can totally relate, plus maybe you all could take turns staying with each others kids. The other thing you might think about is starting your own "parents with autistic children" support group?

hopeful4

Agree ^^^!

Also, tell your church what is going on and that you are basically a shut-it. I know my church provides visits and people go visit those who are shut in for various reasons. Reach out.

Thumper

Tansy that is really hard.

Doesn't your son go to school? I'm sorry, I can't remember where you live. I'm in the US and only know about here but schools are required to provide services to kids with disabilities through age 21. If they can not provide the education themselves, they pay for it somewhere else.

WendyOR

Have you contacted social services? My middle child is autistic as well. He is verbal and I was lucky. However, nobody told me, and I never knew, that there are programs that have classes for them. It may be support groups etc.... but they last like an hour or so, and it gives you time to run out and do.... whatever you want to do. Also St Vincent De Paul (sp?) sponsors activities for people with special needs... bowling, dances, etc.... and that can give him support and you as well? Just suggestions.

hopeful4

Here in MO in the US there is a local Autism Center that is fairly new. You can qualify through our local county disability board to have so many hours of services allotted to you. They have many different types of therapy and people who liase w/them from some of the top Universities in this state. I know people who go there and it is an amazing blessing.

Never hesitate to beat every single bush to find out what services are out there for you and your DS.

Hugs, many hugs!

Tansy

There's nothing here. X has offered to take ds so he can be with his twin. He's home schooled. If he does I may as well move out and find somewhere else to live as I'll be the only one here. x may as well have the house. My whole life left with x....He took everything I held dear and I am pointless. I cannot live like this.

hopeful4

Tansy...you are not pointless! Please don't ever think that! I guarantee your son does not think that either.

Could your X just take him for the day so you could get out and to give you a break?? That sounds a lot more reasonable than moving him out.

Just a thought?

Tansy

Thanks everyone. Ex has got my kids now as they wanted to go with him and has been awarded our house by the judge during divorce proceedings as the boys have disabilities. I have 6 months to go into rented. I only have that cos ex is tied into a rental contract for 6 months. I've lost everything..he's got the lot... my kids, my home, my pets.....I'm surprisingly calm.

amy55

Tansy,

Is it possible that you are surprisingly calm because now you can think about your future, and also your childrens future?

You don't have to worry about selling the house now. You're not stuck there anymore. You have 6 months time to find someplace where they do have help and support for autism and parents with children with autism.

Now is the time for you to make the changes that you need to make so that you never have to feel isolated again.

((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

Tansy

It won't matter about the help now , Amy. He's got the kids for good. Not 6 months. He has turned it all around and got what he wanted by refusing to do the decent thing and not fight me in court until all the equity was gone on legal fees. I had to let him take them or they'd have ended up homeless. Judge was not blind to this but he got them.......unbelievable. I just hope he can stay sober.

Tansy

Well the dawning of realisation is I lost everything when I married exah and I lost everything when I divorced him. It was a no winner. He out classed me on manipulation of people, talking the talk and twisting the truth. Now I face homelessness in 6 months after buying the home we lived in outright with money of my own. Giving him credit...he's good. He got everyone onside, all the money and took all my children, 5 of whom weren't even his. Did I mention I hate him? I'm over and out here now. I'm on my own, totally, working my work and seeing the days out until death. I've nothing left to live for....he made sure of that.