Are they Always Lucky?
 

Am I the only one who feels like most A's get away with so much? That they always luck out?

I had to make an appointment on the 19th of August to get an appointment September 16th to file for custody. They later called and gave me a sooner appointment which was yesterday.

Well xabf started texting me saying he wanted to see DD everyday and how would I like it if I couldn't see her every day...blah blah blah. (I'm meeting him so he can visit her everyother day...that still feels like too much.)

Anyway, then he texted me saying we needed to be adults and go to mediation to work things out. I REQUESTED THAT 3 WEEKS AGO. :a043:

I told him that was fine, that I had asked him to do that already, and that I filed for custody today. He then told me that he filed today (yesterday) too, shortly after I did. WTF? I can't tell if he is lying or not. But it makes me nervous.

Then he told me that the mediator I suggested wouldn't work because our county only uses court appointed ones. I checked that info...turns out hes right. Idk how he found that out, they didn't tell me any of that when I filed.

I was feeling so confident that as long as I do the right thing for her that I can protect her from him. I feel like yesterday was a foreshadow to the future. Like he will weasel his way in court or mediation and get her 50/50. I don't even think he can take care of her for a weekend. Every night he calls her drunk. His moods swing one day to the next.

But he is so manipulative.

I know I shouldn't worry about the future, we don'teven have a court date yet. But its always digging in the back of my mind. I can't bear to think of my smart sweet baby turning into an addict.

NO, they're not always lucky.

At one point, my attorney suggested I file for full custody and only supervised visitation. I weighed the pros and cons and decided against it for financial reasons (if I lost, it could have cost me $30K). I cried and my attorney's partner said this to me:

"Be patient. The one thing I know about jerks like your ex is that if you are just patient, they will screw up. It may not happen as fast as you'd like, but I can guarantee you, he will screw up."

So that's my message to you, too. The further he descends into alcoholism -- if he doesn't decide to get sober -- the more you'll be ahead. (((hugs)))

I second Lillamy's post. They're not always lucky. Every once in a while, I still find myself thinking that about AXH, but then I realize it's (now) been almost 2.5 years since he's seen the most amazing, brilliant little kid. 2.5 years since his actions lost him even supervised visitation rights. This is years after AXH threatened to make it so _I_ never saw DS again.

DS is not so little any more; he'll be 10 soon and he has grown so much since he was 7. AXH has missed over 2 years of watching this beautiful soul explore the world and grow; missed the highs and lows, the excitement and tears, the "Momma, I did *THIS*!"s and the heartbroken "WHY??"s, the enthusiastic participations and the grudging "Fine!"s, and all of the 'mundane' days between. Whether AXH knows it or not, that is beyond sad and one of the steepest prices his addiction will make him pay.

How old is DD? You need to set some boundaries, if he calls drunk he doesn't get to talk to DD.

In the mean time of a court date, you need to set some rules/boundaries for yourself and DD. Maybe he can only call every other night at 7PM, without any kind of boundaries he's going to control you emotionally. Look how upset he's gotten you about mediation.

That's the game he's playing - control you via manipulation and your own fears.

Talk with the courts, inquiry about mediation, your rights, assistance when dealing with the other parent when they are alcoholics.

I was thinking the same thing as at a loss. Every other day sounds like a lot for visitation, especially with an active A.

when i went to court over my kids i was told in no uncertain terms its all about the kids and not about me or my ex wife.
the courts are not interested in anyone who is useing the kids to hit out at there partners etc
this of course fell on deaf ears as both me and the ex went to war : )

it was really all about us and who was going to win the kids and how much pain it would give to the other one who couldn't see the kids

it took me a while before the penny sunk in that the kids loved me and her and how dare i play god with my kids love for there mum etc
of course i had aa people kicking me up the bum to make me see this way as i was all about keeping my kids away from her as she was still drinking and not a fit person blah blah all the rubbish i could find on her would come out as for my justifications for my actions

in the end i got the kids and she got visits and like someone else said dont worry about them as they will soon fook up on there own and thats exactly what did happen
she carried on drinking and missed contacts etc the kids got fed up of getting hurt and let down that they gave up with her, without me having to do a thing

its pretty amazing when i think how i let go of that situation and just went with it rather than trying to control it and force things etc and it worked out just how it should of without any sticking my ore in

Right now until custody is set up he is really pushing for every day. I'm hoping to get it down to less by court. Right now its too much. I might just start telling him to come to the house instead of meeting us out somewhere. He hates doing that because its "too much work" for him. Nevermind running DD around (who is 3 btw) in the evenings after work/preschool

Blossom.....I am not so sure that that is a good idea.

Once the camel gets the nose under the tent.....soon, it is the whole body!!

dadylion

I agree with dandylion- I would not allow him to come over, especially if he is still drinking/having mood swings. Being in a public place may be safer option.

As far as phone calls, you can set boundaries as well if its too much. You can have a life and don't have to be home every night for the calls either. If he is drunk, then I would not allow him to speak to DD. If she is only 3, she probably wouldn't care if he called or not every day either. I know my DS who is 4 doesn't care if he talks to his dad every day or not.

We met at the park yesterday so DD could see the dog (and me too..I miss the dog lol). Poor bandit (the dog) cried when he saw us! he tried to come home with us too. DD was more upset about leaving him than anything. That was probably the hardest visit.

He wants to come by to see her tonight at the house even though I have repeatedly asked him for every other day. I want to outright say no. Will that look bad in court? she is so clingy with me after she sees him. She won't let anyone else get near her and she won't let me leave her side.

I think you are right dandylion....its better if he doesn't come to the house.

The phone calls aren't so bothersome...she would get upset at first when he would hang up before she was done talking. Now she does it to him lol. (I did NOT teach her that, just fyi). She does care if he calls...shes a little ocd I think. She notices if he doesn't call or doesn't answer and it bothers her a ton. She likes things to stay a certain way. I think part of that is the lack of stability she has had while we were living with him.

Absolutely say NO!!! just because he wants everything his way, you don't have to acknowledge him.

ASSERT YOURSELF.....no one expects you to continue to revolve your life and that of your child around him. No judge expects this and don't worry about "looking bad", that is not how it looks.

Is he paying you ANY child support? Have you asked him?

He hasn't paid any child support. I haven't asked...I know if I do then he will expect to see her more. I filed for it along with custody.

Should I ask him for Child support? I never asked him for money before I left even. It was always a joke to do so.

Yes you should ask for child support if you need it.

Let the courts do their thing and you will have an agreement in due time.

In the meantime, usually courts will give a schedule of visitation. Set up one yourself now. "Hey, babydaddy, you can see her on Wednesday from 4-6 and on Saturday from 10-2. You can call between 5-7 to say goodnight on the other nights. Period. " ...or whatever you feel is right. IF HE IS DRINKING at all - the visit or phone call ends immediately. Put him on speaker.

Until the court has its say, you are tasked with keeping a schedule for your daughter and sticking to it. He is pulling your strings. You are allowing it. Classic dance. Sit this one out.

Honey, the courts will never order that he sees her every single day. Not going to happen. I don't think you should be scared to say NO.

Also, yes, you should ask for child support through the courts. His child, he needs to pay his part.

Hugs, tight hugs.

Just because he pays child support he is not "buying" time with her. He is obligated to pay WEEKLY whether he sees her or not....when they garnish his wages and the $$ comes directly into your account, it won't be a JOKE.

if you do not need the $$ now , later on your daughter will....how much is college? a car down the road, car insurance, a new computer? a prom dress? BRACES? a trip with classmates.

think of the future and her insurance needs too. put the child support into an account.

like I said, assert yourself, he is wiping his feet on you trying to make you jump when he barks.

I filed for child support when I filed for custody. and we definitely need it. I just don't want to have to actually confront him about anything except for in court, in front of a judge or at mediation. Right now I wouldn't even know how to bring that up to him without it turning into a big argument as to why he can't have her alone.

Just say that you don't think it's a good idea for her right now. NO is a one word sentence. Glad you filed for support, you definitely need and deserve it. Let the courts sort it all out.

Hugs!

I remember how nerve-wracking saying no to unreasonable visit demands was. ((((hugs))) But every one is right, you and your daughter are allowed to have your own lives and do not have to be at his beck-and-call. If you have plans you can tell him "No." If you don't have plans but want to stay home for a quiet evening, you can say "No." As long as you set some schedule for your DD to see her father, the court will not think you're being unreasonable in saying no to every-day-visits.

Kids need a sense of rhythm in their lives; they need the security of having a general idea of what to expect. And dropping everything to accommodate his desires, whenever they occur, does not promote that.

Trying to foster that stability for DS ticked AXH off to no end, "Do you know how it sounds to have to schedule a time to see MY son?!" (HP, I can still hear him screaming that at me.) But DS needed it. I couldn't make AXH actually keep his schedule, but I could keep mine, so DS at least knew that what to expect on our days.

And no, paying child support does not give him any *rights* to see his child. Child support is to help pay for the things a child needs: clothing, food, toys, daycare, etc. That's all, and it's a responsibility, not a guarantee of rights. Even though the courts said AXH cannot see DS until he cleans up his act, he still has to pay support.

You can do this. :grouphug:

I am about to have a panic attack. apparently if I/we filed this week then a court date won't even happen until December or January. I cannot. I cannot do this that long. They only recognize 2 different certified mediators in the whole friggin county. I just emailed the juvenile court to see who those mediators are and how I can make an appointment sooner than that.

I cannot do this that long. absolutely cannot.

Do you have to go to mediation before you get a custody judgement, even a temp one? What does your attorney say?

Breathe....

I don't know but the court date to see the judge wouldn't be until December or January.

I want to go home. I just started crying at my desk and now I'm stressed and embarrassed.

Take this a day at a time. Huge hugs!

Well, that does suck, but there might be a silver lining. The more time your bf has to mess up, the better the odds are that he will. This Superdad act is not going to be sustainable in the long term, especially if you hold your ground and limit the visits. Can you start doing a schedule now, to see how different ones will work for you in the long term, like a trial run? Email him a set schedule and then see if he adheres to it, document how often he cancels/blows off scheduled visits, and the times when is drunk/ high so you can't allow the scheduled visit to take place. Maybe talk to your attorney about a temporary custody/visitation arrangement. I agree, that is way too long to have something so important up in the air.
Hugs to you. Sorry you and dd are going through all this stress. Take care.

Blossom.....ladyscribbler makes a good point, I think. The Superdad act tends to fade in almost all cases. I have seen this a gazillion times...and, also with my children's dad back in the day. As time goes on....they get it that kids take time and can be inconvenient to their personal schedule. Plus..it cuts into their drinking time. I think a lot of the fighting over custody for people l ike this is their anger at you...wanting to "fight you back". In some cases...I think they believe that the more time they see the kid..the less child support they will have to pay (doesn't work like that though).

I don't know about Virginia (I live in VA, also..LOL)....but, I have h eard others on this forum say that the court will look at the schedule that you adhdere to yourselves as an indication of what works well and WHAT THE CHILD HAS GOTTEN USED TO!! Be careful about what you are agreeing to. unless I am wrong...you are not married to this man and you are the custodial parent as of right now???

Blossom you have got to grow a thicker skin (fast) about jumping every time he decides to roar!!! I have a feeling that he has his parents behind every move trying to pull the puppet strings. However..the law is the law. He sounds like a largely paper tiger, to me.
Your "niceness" is not going to count as much as you think it is in the courtroom. (I am not saying to be obstructive, of course) Just don't expect any special stars in your crown for being over tolerant and altruistic!! The court doesn't care about your interpersonal dynamics---they look at facts. Facts that you can prove.
Keep talking to your lawyer. If you trust this l awyer, follow the advice.

I am hoping that others on this forum who have been through this kind of thing will weigh in on my commentary, also.

My children's dad was a real a**. H e tried every way possible to give me a hard time and make me miserable. I learned that I had to drawn firm boundaries with him and NOT Show Fear! The fear is like blood in the water to them...LOL. I also had a lawyer who gave me guidance as to how to handle him. The lawyer was right!

I am sharing my own experience with you.....

(I was living in Maryland at the time of my own divorce),,,a long time ago.....

dandylion

Big, big hugs, Blossom. I hated that wait, too. I filed for divorce in July and the hearing wasn't until December. I was devastated to learn I'd have to keep on being Mrs. AXH that long and that nothing would be final on the custody issue until then. I ended up getting to talk about temporary custody earlier because I had filed for a restraining order against him and they moved the long term RO hearing to the divorce judge, but it was still hard waiting.

I was a wreck at work. Breaking down into tears constantly. (At least that's how it felt.) I was certain the whole office saw it. But really, they didn't. That holiday season, I had a co-worker from the same area ask if my husband and I were going to be at the company holiday party. I think I looked at her like she had a 2nd head, where had she been?? Uummm, NO.

So, don't worry about being embarrassed at work for crying. It's a difficult time; I'm sure any one who notices will understand.

Just break the next couple months down into manageable bites. Just tackle this next day; this next morning; the next 5 minutes. You can get through this. (((((hugs)))))

Do you have an atty? If not, do you have any free legal clinics in your area? I live in a state that favors moms a lot, so I don't know how different my scenario would be from yours. I do know that keeping records of all the things he says or does that make him look unfit will be invaluable. You MUST bring up his drinking problem with the courts immediately, because if you have problems down the road, after not saying anything, they will ask why you didn't say anything sooner. Also, in my state, a parent who knowingly leaves her/his child in the custody of a drunk person can get in serious trouble for failing to protect the child.

I remember how scared I was for the 11 months leading up to our final parenting plan. I was scared he'd file first. He didn't file EVER. Scared to make him mad because I was just used to being scared of that. Scared to make him mad because I knew it would ruin my chances of him coming back to me. Scared he'd hire an atty (I was pro se). He did hire one, briefly but she dropped him after awhile (not sure why, but probably because he didn't follow directions or didn't pay). I hired an atty to help, but not represent. I was always scared of what he'd throw back and what he would counter-accuse me of. Nothing. Scared I didn't have enough evidence to prove anything. Scared we'd go to trial. No way. By the time trial would have happened (right about now), he had messed up so bad that he didn't stand a chance. He signed my plan with almost NO changes on his part. Too bad I wasted my time being so afraid.

Here's a little timeline of how it went with us: He left us in July; I caught him passed out with baby screaming in the high chair in August and he got arrested for attempted burglary /criminal trespass while blacked out exactly one month after leaving; left me cruel texts and acted like an ass to me; I told him in September no more unsupervised visits, he quacked back that it was illegal and the only reason he wasn't fighting me was because of his criminal case; I filed in October; had a hearing in November (would have happened sooner, but I tried to do it on his day off); he never turned anything in that was required of him for mediation; he got a Dui in January; got suspended from work in June for smelling like booze (amazing that never happened sooner. They were going to fire him, but he agreed to go to treatment); we mediated on our deadline date for pretrial . The only thing he really protested about my plan was that I can't have final say in his choice of roommate (I can have the info for a background check though). He also wanted me to agree that I would also furnish any info about ME getting arrested! Haha! Within a few days of signing he claimed he didn't understand what he was signing and didn't know he'd agreed to professionally supervised visits. Too little, too late dude. Once he signed that was it. The wise ones have all told me not to stray one letter from that plan and I am fine with that now. He still pushes my buttons, but I act with my wisdom now, not the codependent relationship addict part of me.

In short, protect your baby! Watch, wait and document.

Is there anyone else you trust to supervise those visits? I'm concerned about you having so much contact with someone who has hurt you and still has power to manipulate you.

I think you all have a point...no way he can keep up the act for that long.

We met at mcdonalds on Saturday and he was reeking of smoke...like he had been in a bar all night. he said it was from hanging out at a mutual friends house (drinkers) okay....its the next day in the afternoon and you are still wearing the same clothes?

He asked me if he could keep dd over night next Saturday. I told him no. He did get angry, but I had to remind myself that's all he can do.

I have an attorney but I don't have any money right now to get legal advice. I'm in the hole for the week with just daycare bills and gas. So I'll have to wait until next week to call her and ask.

Lightinside - I do trust my mom or my brother to supervise visits but xabf knows he can legally take her if I'm not there and not give her back. So I have to supervise them right now. I told him Tuesdays/Thursday/Saturdays are what the schedule will be from now on. He already wants to see her today so I texted him and said if you want to see her today instead of tomorrow, fine.

I'm better today btw. Thank you all for talking to me. Friday was bad. My anxiety got the best of me. I ended up leaving work an hour early...I am at the front desk at my office and I didn't want anyone to see me like that.

Blossom, I am glad you are feeling a bit better today. Once he sees you are sticking to what you say he will eventually stop all the trouble making is my guess. Stay the course, stick to your boundaries.

Hugs.