hopeful4

Do you have to go to mediation before you get a custody judgement, even a temp one? What does your attorney say?

Breathe....

Blossom717

I don't know but the court date to see the judge wouldn't be until December or January.

I want to go home. I just started crying at my desk and now I'm stressed and embarrassed.

hopeful4

Take this a day at a time. Huge hugs!

ladyscribbler

Well, that does suck, but there might be a silver lining. The more time your bf has to mess up, the better the odds are that he will. This Superdad act is not going to be sustainable in the long term, especially if you hold your ground and limit the visits. Can you start doing a schedule now, to see how different ones will work for you in the long term, like a trial run? Email him a set schedule and then see if he adheres to it, document how often he cancels/blows off scheduled visits, and the times when is drunk/ high so you can't allow the scheduled visit to take place. Maybe talk to your attorney about a temporary custody/visitation arrangement. I agree, that is way too long to have something so important up in the air.
Hugs to you. Sorry you and dd are going through all this stress. Take care.

dandylion

Blossom.....ladyscribbler makes a good point, I think. The Superdad act tends to fade in almost all cases. I have seen this a gazillion times...and, also with my children's dad back in the day. As time goes on....they get it that kids take time and can be inconvenient to their personal schedule. Plus..it cuts into their drinking time. I think a lot of the fighting over custody for people l ike this is their anger at you...wanting to "fight you back". In some cases...I think they believe that the more time they see the kid..the less child support they will have to pay (doesn't work like that though).

I don't know about Virginia (I live in VA, also..LOL)....but, I have h eard others on this forum say that the court will look at the schedule that you adhdere to yourselves as an indication of what works well and WHAT THE CHILD HAS GOTTEN USED TO!! Be careful about what you are agreeing to. unless I am wrong...you are not married to this man and you are the custodial parent as of right now???

Blossom you have got to grow a thicker skin (fast) about jumping every time he decides to roar!!! I have a feeling that he has his parents behind every move trying to pull the puppet strings. However..the law is the law. He sounds like a largely paper tiger, to me.
Your "niceness" is not going to count as much as you think it is in the courtroom. (I am not saying to be obstructive, of course) Just don't expect any special stars in your crown for being over tolerant and altruistic!! The court doesn't care about your interpersonal dynamics---they look at facts. Facts that you can prove.
Keep talking to your lawyer. If you trust this l awyer, follow the advice.

I am hoping that others on this forum who have been through this kind of thing will weigh in on my commentary, also.

My children's dad was a real a**. H e tried every way possible to give me a hard time and make me miserable. I learned that I had to drawn firm boundaries with him and NOT Show Fear! The fear is like blood in the water to them...LOL. I also had a lawyer who gave me guidance as to how to handle him. The lawyer was right!

I am sharing my own experience with you.....

(I was living in Maryland at the time of my own divorce),,,a long time ago.....

dandylion

theuncertainty

Big, big hugs, Blossom. I hated that wait, too. I filed for divorce in July and the hearing wasn't until December. I was devastated to learn I'd have to keep on being Mrs. AXH that long and that nothing would be final on the custody issue until then. I ended up getting to talk about temporary custody earlier because I had filed for a restraining order against him and they moved the long term RO hearing to the divorce judge, but it was still hard waiting.

I was a wreck at work. Breaking down into tears constantly. (At least that's how it felt.) I was certain the whole office saw it. But really, they didn't. That holiday season, I had a co-worker from the same area ask if my husband and I were going to be at the company holiday party. I think I looked at her like she had a 2nd head, where had she been?? Uummm, NO.

So, don't worry about being embarrassed at work for crying. It's a difficult time; I'm sure any one who notices will understand.

Just break the next couple months down into manageable bites. Just tackle this next day; this next morning; the next 5 minutes. You can get through this. (((((hugs)))))

LightInside

Do you have an atty? If not, do you have any free legal clinics in your area? I live in a state that favors moms a lot, so I don't know how different my scenario would be from yours. I do know that keeping records of all the things he says or does that make him look unfit will be invaluable. You MUST bring up his drinking problem with the courts immediately, because if you have problems down the road, after not saying anything, they will ask why you didn't say anything sooner. Also, in my state, a parent who knowingly leaves her/his child in the custody of a drunk person can get in serious trouble for failing to protect the child.

I remember how scared I was for the 11 months leading up to our final parenting plan. I was scared he'd file first. He didn't file EVER. Scared to make him mad because I was just used to being scared of that. Scared to make him mad because I knew it would ruin my chances of him coming back to me. Scared he'd hire an atty (I was pro se). He did hire one, briefly but she dropped him after awhile (not sure why, but probably because he didn't follow directions or didn't pay). I hired an atty to help, but not represent. I was always scared of what he'd throw back and what he would counter-accuse me of. Nothing. Scared I didn't have enough evidence to prove anything. Scared we'd go to trial. No way. By the time trial would have happened (right about now), he had messed up so bad that he didn't stand a chance. He signed my plan with almost NO changes on his part. Too bad I wasted my time being so afraid.

Here's a little timeline of how it went with us: He left us in July; I caught him passed out with baby screaming in the high chair in August and he got arrested for attempted burglary /criminal trespass while blacked out exactly one month after leaving; left me cruel texts and acted like an ass to me; I told him in September no more unsupervised visits, he quacked back that it was illegal and the only reason he wasn't fighting me was because of his criminal case; I filed in October; had a hearing in November (would have happened sooner, but I tried to do it on his day off); he never turned anything in that was required of him for mediation; he got a Dui in January; got suspended from work in June for smelling like booze (amazing that never happened sooner. They were going to fire him, but he agreed to go to treatment); we mediated on our deadline date for pretrial . The only thing he really protested about my plan was that I can't have final say in his choice of roommate (I can have the info for a background check though). He also wanted me to agree that I would also furnish any info about ME getting arrested! Haha! Within a few days of signing he claimed he didn't understand what he was signing and didn't know he'd agreed to professionally supervised visits. Too little, too late dude. Once he signed that was it. The wise ones have all told me not to stray one letter from that plan and I am fine with that now. He still pushes my buttons, but I act with my wisdom now, not the codependent relationship addict part of me.

In short, protect your baby! Watch, wait and document.

Is there anyone else you trust to supervise those visits? I'm concerned about you having so much contact with someone who has hurt you and still has power to manipulate you.

Blossom717

I think you all have a point...no way he can keep up the act for that long.

We met at mcdonalds on Saturday and he was reeking of smoke...like he had been in a bar all night. he said it was from hanging out at a mutual friends house (drinkers) okay....its the next day in the afternoon and you are still wearing the same clothes?

He asked me if he could keep dd over night next Saturday. I told him no. He did get angry, but I had to remind myself that's all he can do.

I have an attorney but I don't have any money right now to get legal advice. I'm in the hole for the week with just daycare bills and gas. So I'll have to wait until next week to call her and ask.

Lightinside - I do trust my mom or my brother to supervise visits but xabf knows he can legally take her if I'm not there and not give her back. So I have to supervise them right now. I told him Tuesdays/Thursday/Saturdays are what the schedule will be from now on. He already wants to see her today so I texted him and said if you want to see her today instead of tomorrow, fine.

I'm better today btw. Thank you all for talking to me. Friday was bad. My anxiety got the best of me. I ended up leaving work an hour early...I am at the front desk at my office and I didn't want anyone to see me like that.

hopeful4

Blossom, I am glad you are feeling a bit better today. Once he sees you are sticking to what you say he will eventually stop all the trouble making is my guess. Stay the course, stick to your boundaries.

Hugs.