Wisconsin

My plans to leave are moving forward (I bought a car last week, and as soon as I have the security deposit and first month's rent in hand, I'm moving to an apartment in the next suburb over where the schools are very good), and now I'm starting to wonder how to break the news to my AH that I am leaving. I don't want to tell him weeks and weeks before I go, because that just sets us up for some ugly drama over a long period of time. I also don't want to just disappear (which would be very hard to do now anyway, since he is working in our town and we have neighbors who would tell him if it looked like I was moving out while he was at work). Would y'all mind sharing some ESH on this one with me? He has not been physically abusive toward me, but the emotional abuse is long-standing and his alcoholism has gotten exponentially worse over the past couple of months.

CodeJob

Hi WI!

Intriguing question. How much stuff do you need to move out?

If it were me, I think I would target the announcement to when you have rented the apartment and have lined up friends to move you out. No reason to give an emotional abuser ammo until the very last moment.

You have been working towards this day so steadily! It is almost here!! Peace!

Wisconsin

I don't have tons of stuff. Most of the "big" stuff is his. My main concern is my daughters' stuff. He is their stepdad, and will never spend time with them again after I leave, but I can envision a world in which he would hold their stuff hostage. A friend suggested getting the smallest storage unit I can, and to start moving a few boxes of stuff a week into the storage unit. He won't notice anything is gone.

I also don't expect I'll have a whole lot of help moving, but I'm not too worried about that. The biggest things I'll move are my daughters' beds (each a twin bed), and I'm strong enough to do that on my own, particularly if I end up in a lower unit at the apartment complex: no stairs.

lillamy

I think that's a great idea. A couple of things that were suggested to me:

1) Bring a friend when you're moving out. Only the worst psychopaths will behave abusively towards you in front of other people. I brought an old lady from church when I came to get my personal belongings. She couldn't harm a fly if she tried, but just her presence was enough for AXH to behave. Al-Anon is another place where you might be able to get someone to help, even if they can't carry more than their hairdo.

2) I was also advised that I could get the assistance of the state troopers if I was afraid there may be violence -- I had a restraining order, so it would have been automatic for me, I don't know if that's necessary or what the law is in your state. I ended up not using their help because they could only guarantee me 15 minutes of trooper presence, and said that if they get a call while they're there, they'd have to leave. I brought a couple of big guys I knew instead. Not the same authority but a significant intimidation factor.

hopeful4

What lilamy said. Quietly move stuff out right away. This is good, it will also give you something to focus on that is a positive for you. I would be prepared to not stay there even one more night when you tell him. That's just my opinion.

I did not have to go through that b/c it blew up and I kicked my XAH out of the house and did not let him return to live after that. It was an immediate relief.

Good luck to you. Please stay safe and keep us posted! You and your DD are in my prayers!

Blossom717

My xabf held our dd's things hostage for a while to be a pain.

I would start moving things quietly to the apartment as soon as keys are in your hand. Once you have most of the belongings that he wouldn't notice (like their clothes, your clothes, etc) then tell him. And have a friend with you

lillamy

You have to take into account that I didn't get my personal belongings for three months and nothing else -- not even a coffee mug -- out of the marriage property until a month after the divorce was final.

I borrowed business wear from my boss and the kids' friends donated a few changes of clothes for them. So I'm assuming the worst. If your ex is even remotely reasonable on a good day, my point of view would probably be seen as an overreaction.

As for when to tell him -- boy, that's a tough one. I would have had a hard time spending a single night under the same roof with AXH after telling him I was leaving. The emotional and verbal abuse would have gone through the roof and I would either have crumbled and stayed or packed up and left immediately. If I were to create an ideal situation, it would be your AH going out of town for a weekend, and you texting him while he's gone, telling him you've moved out.

wantabe

Here is a good list of "Items to Take With Me When Leaving" from the "Safety Plan in Potentially Violent Situations" sticky.
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com

Since you are worried about him holding the kid's stuff hostage, you might want to think about any financial, legal or sentimental items that he might keep from you and move those out before you tell him.

Good luck.

Wisconsin

Thanks so much everyone! I am feeling so positive about the steps I've taken so far, and am looking forward to getting the most important stuff out of the house ASAP. It will just make me feel better and better, and give me more and more confidence.

I'm sure that I will have multiple contingency plans, just because that's what you need to do when dealing with an A. I'll get my plans in place, and then not spend much time worrying about what might or might not happen--my energy is better spent on myself, my kids, and getting myself in a position to move as soon as possible.