DV - Ray Rice Video -- OT?
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DV - Ray Rice Video -- OT?
Many of us have AHs who are also verbally/physically abusive. Mine is VA as as well as alcoholic, but doesn't do either drinking or VA on a regular consistent basis. So until recently I didn't really think he was truly an alcoholic or a DVer.
But now I know better.
The Ray Rice video and issue of him being kicked off Ravens and NFL response is so sad and sickening.... The only good thing is that DV is getting attention.
Unfortunately, this attention brought to light some disturbing info from my VA/AH. (verbally abuse & alcoholic husband)
Last night VA/AH came home later than usual, around 8. He said there was a long meeting at work. As far as I could tell he hadn't been drinking. I was finishing cleaning kitchen from dinner for cooking big meal for upcoming weekend trip to see kids. I usually go to bed in my separate room at 9 (I have adrenal fatigue and need sleep) but I decided to sit with him on the sofa for a while to be kind. He has been okay lately and I'm trying to focus on each day and just be grateful for that one day at a time...
So I was on my laptop and ignoring the TV. There was a news story about Ray Rice video, showing him beating his wife.
VA/AH started raging: “Why on a first offense is he banned from the NFL?”
I said something non-committal like, “Well, NFL has a problem.”
But he continued fussing. In raised voice he said that Rush Limbaugh said today that Ted Kennedy killed a girl, walked away, and waited 10 hours to call the police….but he still served in Congress.
I said, “The world is different now. Everyone has a cell phone. Gotta watch what you do there will always be video cameras.” I started getting uncomfortable.
He said again, raising his voice higher, “But why does he have to get banned from the league for a first offense?”
I closed my laptop and said, “It’s time for me to go to bed. I want peace and serenity. I don’t want to talk about this.”
He said, “Well I was just making conversation. We can talk about something else.”
JUST MAKING CONVERSATION??? TO HIS WIFE DEFENDING A WIFE BEATER?? WHEN HE KNOWS MY FATHER HIT MY MOTHER AND THAT I HAVE ZERO TOLERANCE FOR DV??
I said, “No, I’m tired. I got up early this morning and need to go to bed.” I didn't speak in angry voice, just matter of factly.
I put up food in kitchen, then went in my room. As I was going to sleep I realized I was afraid. I was listening for every move to see if he would come in my room (he hasn't ever before when I was going to sleep). I prayed to God for protection….but it occurred to me, how could I reason with this man? He wasn’t even drinking that I was aware of.
Thursday we are traveling by car for 6 hours each way to visit DD at college. My DS is meeting us for a big rivalry football game and tailgating. (And I am serving meal that I cooked tonight.) I've been biding my time and biting my tongue to not start verbalizing further boundaries until after this weekend. Don't want to do anything to ruin it for kids. But I've been planning to lay out more boundaries starting next week.
I've already done a few things over past months where I drive if he drinks, but haven't done a lot about anger/VA issues except to leave the room when he gets angry.
So in a way I guess I should be grateful I saw his response to the video: it's a reminder that I cannot expect to reason with a man who thinks beating your wife isn’t grounds for being banned from the NFL. They banned Michael Vick for dog fighting but women don’t matter.
It makes me very sad and scared to realize that he believes this.
And makes me wonder if I really have the luxury of the time that I think I have in gathering info and laying out boundaries....
Thanks for letting me vent here everyone.
But now I know better.
The Ray Rice video and issue of him being kicked off Ravens and NFL response is so sad and sickening.... The only good thing is that DV is getting attention.
Unfortunately, this attention brought to light some disturbing info from my VA/AH. (verbally abuse & alcoholic husband)
Last night VA/AH came home later than usual, around 8. He said there was a long meeting at work. As far as I could tell he hadn't been drinking. I was finishing cleaning kitchen from dinner for cooking big meal for upcoming weekend trip to see kids. I usually go to bed in my separate room at 9 (I have adrenal fatigue and need sleep) but I decided to sit with him on the sofa for a while to be kind. He has been okay lately and I'm trying to focus on each day and just be grateful for that one day at a time...
So I was on my laptop and ignoring the TV. There was a news story about Ray Rice video, showing him beating his wife.
VA/AH started raging: “Why on a first offense is he banned from the NFL?”
I said something non-committal like, “Well, NFL has a problem.”
But he continued fussing. In raised voice he said that Rush Limbaugh said today that Ted Kennedy killed a girl, walked away, and waited 10 hours to call the police….but he still served in Congress.
I said, “The world is different now. Everyone has a cell phone. Gotta watch what you do there will always be video cameras.” I started getting uncomfortable.
He said again, raising his voice higher, “But why does he have to get banned from the league for a first offense?”
I closed my laptop and said, “It’s time for me to go to bed. I want peace and serenity. I don’t want to talk about this.”
He said, “Well I was just making conversation. We can talk about something else.”
JUST MAKING CONVERSATION??? TO HIS WIFE DEFENDING A WIFE BEATER?? WHEN HE KNOWS MY FATHER HIT MY MOTHER AND THAT I HAVE ZERO TOLERANCE FOR DV??
I said, “No, I’m tired. I got up early this morning and need to go to bed.” I didn't speak in angry voice, just matter of factly.
I put up food in kitchen, then went in my room. As I was going to sleep I realized I was afraid. I was listening for every move to see if he would come in my room (he hasn't ever before when I was going to sleep). I prayed to God for protection….but it occurred to me, how could I reason with this man? He wasn’t even drinking that I was aware of.
Thursday we are traveling by car for 6 hours each way to visit DD at college. My DS is meeting us for a big rivalry football game and tailgating. (And I am serving meal that I cooked tonight.) I've been biding my time and biting my tongue to not start verbalizing further boundaries until after this weekend. Don't want to do anything to ruin it for kids. But I've been planning to lay out more boundaries starting next week.
I've already done a few things over past months where I drive if he drinks, but haven't done a lot about anger/VA issues except to leave the room when he gets angry.
So in a way I guess I should be grateful I saw his response to the video: it's a reminder that I cannot expect to reason with a man who thinks beating your wife isn’t grounds for being banned from the NFL. They banned Michael Vick for dog fighting but women don’t matter.
It makes me very sad and scared to realize that he believes this.
And makes me wonder if I really have the luxury of the time that I think I have in gathering info and laying out boundaries....
Thanks for letting me vent here everyone.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Stay safe. It only takes one act of domestic violence to get killed.
I don't mean to be harsh, but there has to be a change in mindset and a zero tolerance level set. There is something wrong with a man who sees that video and wonders at the punishment.
Please have support near when you set out your additional boundaries.
XXX
XXX
I don't mean to be harsh, but there has to be a change in mindset and a zero tolerance level set. There is something wrong with a man who sees that video and wonders at the punishment.
Please have support near when you set out your additional boundaries.
XXX
XXX
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Arizona
Posts: 407
Yes, I remember feeling very uncomfortable during some of the "conversations" that my AH initiated. My realization was that if they think DV is OK on any level, then they are not likely to change their minds. Since I have moved, my AH has expressed many times that he is a "changed man." However, he shows me with his bullying tactics that he has not.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
If you asked your AH if he thinks it's OK to hit a woman, he would probably say "absolutely not -- but it's unfair that a person loses his job because of a first offense."
What I found with AXH is that -- and this is kind of interesting on that rational level my brain goes to when I have a hard time dealing with something emotionally -- his brain functioned much like the brains of children with fetal alcohol syndrome: Their world is very black and white, they reason in absolutes -- but they're unable to relate their own actions to the moral system they have set up and claim to be following.
For example -- an young man with FAS that I met was very eloquently telling me that premarital sex is immoral and that nobody should have sex unless they're married. He was 21 and had fathered 3 children out of wedlock. He couldn't make the connection.
And that's what AXH was like, too. He condemned in the harshest terms rapists, men who abused women, and deadbeat dads. He's proven to be all three, but there's nobody in the universe that could convince him that's the case.
So that's the sort of theoretical rational "hm this is kind of interesting" part.
The other part is this: Nobody should ever have to live in fear in their own home. Verbal and emotional abuse is not another kind of abuse, completely different from physical abuse. It's a difference in grade, not in kind. Meaning -- I'm sorry to say this -- I don't think your fear is unfounded. You probably keep telling yourself "he doesn't hit me" -- I know I did -- and that makes it hard to say "he's abusive and I don't have to take this"... but he is. And you don't. You don't need broken bones and black eyes. You don't even have to define his treatment of you as abuse.
If you don't like the way he treats you, you don't have to put up with it. I've thought about it so much since I left AXH. Back when I was dating, I had no problem breaking up with a guy who treated me (or other people) in ways I didn't like. (I once broke up with a guy because he was rude to a waitress and a cab driver when we were out on a date.) And somehow, because you're married, you're supposed to put up with stuff you'd never put up with from a stranger? How do we get to that point?
I do take marriage seriously. But as someone here said -- it's not a suicide pact. Any relationship that's detrimental to your health, mental or physical, is a relationship you have every right to question, and leave.
What I found with AXH is that -- and this is kind of interesting on that rational level my brain goes to when I have a hard time dealing with something emotionally -- his brain functioned much like the brains of children with fetal alcohol syndrome: Their world is very black and white, they reason in absolutes -- but they're unable to relate their own actions to the moral system they have set up and claim to be following.
For example -- an young man with FAS that I met was very eloquently telling me that premarital sex is immoral and that nobody should have sex unless they're married. He was 21 and had fathered 3 children out of wedlock. He couldn't make the connection.
And that's what AXH was like, too. He condemned in the harshest terms rapists, men who abused women, and deadbeat dads. He's proven to be all three, but there's nobody in the universe that could convince him that's the case.
So that's the sort of theoretical rational "hm this is kind of interesting" part.
The other part is this: Nobody should ever have to live in fear in their own home. Verbal and emotional abuse is not another kind of abuse, completely different from physical abuse. It's a difference in grade, not in kind. Meaning -- I'm sorry to say this -- I don't think your fear is unfounded. You probably keep telling yourself "he doesn't hit me" -- I know I did -- and that makes it hard to say "he's abusive and I don't have to take this"... but he is. And you don't. You don't need broken bones and black eyes. You don't even have to define his treatment of you as abuse.
If you don't like the way he treats you, you don't have to put up with it. I've thought about it so much since I left AXH. Back when I was dating, I had no problem breaking up with a guy who treated me (or other people) in ways I didn't like. (I once broke up with a guy because he was rude to a waitress and a cab driver when we were out on a date.) And somehow, because you're married, you're supposed to put up with stuff you'd never put up with from a stranger? How do we get to that point?
I do take marriage seriously. But as someone here said -- it's not a suicide pact. Any relationship that's detrimental to your health, mental or physical, is a relationship you have every right to question, and leave.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Yeah, Allinon. Trust me...it was not the "first time" for Rice. It is the first time it was caught on video. Just like most drunk drivers do it hundreds of times before their first DUI.
Sexism has been around since as far as we can go back...and I consider abuse of women a part of sexism. Chances are that this is very deep seated internalized societal messages for him.....and he probably wouldn't be easily changed. He probably isn't even aware of it at a conscious level.
To me...the NFL is just one big OLD BOYS CLUB, for the most part....and a big money maker at that. Hard to fight. It has money and power behind it.
To me it is not just pure sport. Pele, the great soccer player has a lot to say about this fact.
He says that the only pure sport is when kids are playing in field for just the joy of playing. Anything after that (money and power) just serves to sully the game.
I agree with you....it would probably do no good to debate this with your husband.
All his "stuff" is within his own hoola hoop....just let it lie there....
dandylion
Sexism has been around since as far as we can go back...and I consider abuse of women a part of sexism. Chances are that this is very deep seated internalized societal messages for him.....and he probably wouldn't be easily changed. He probably isn't even aware of it at a conscious level.
To me...the NFL is just one big OLD BOYS CLUB, for the most part....and a big money maker at that. Hard to fight. It has money and power behind it.
To me it is not just pure sport. Pele, the great soccer player has a lot to say about this fact.
He says that the only pure sport is when kids are playing in field for just the joy of playing. Anything after that (money and power) just serves to sully the game.
I agree with you....it would probably do no good to debate this with your husband.
All his "stuff" is within his own hoola hoop....just let it lie there....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
I think the most intriguing thing about this is the dance between the man and his partner that is unfolding before the public eye. Normal people don't get why the partner not only stayed but married him. I responded that way when I found out she MARRIED him anyway!? But then I have to remember I have my own DV assault tossed in the back of my mind and still live with AH. So I remember the shock and not making a decision was making a decision to stay.
"Love The Way You Lie"
(Eminem feat. Rihanna)
[Intro - Rihanna:]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
[Verse - Eminem:]
I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now there's a steel knife in my windpipe
I can't breathe but I still fight while I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right it's like I'm in flight
High off her love, drunk from her hate,
It's like I'm huffing paint and I love her the more I suffer, I suffocate
And right before I'm about to drown, she resuscitates me
She ******* hates me and I love it.
"Wait! Where you going?"
"I'm leaving you!"
"No you ain't. Come back."
We're running right back.
Here we go again
It's so insane cause when it's going good, it's going great
I'm Superman with the wind at his back, she's Lois Lane
But when it's bad it's awful, I feel so ashamed I snapped
Who's that dude?
"I don't even know his name."
I laid hands on her, I'll never stoop so low again
I guess I don't know my own strength
[Chorus - Rihanna:]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
[Verse - Eminem:]
You ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe when you're with 'em
You meet and neither one of you even know what hit 'em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling
Yeah, them chills you used to get 'em
Now you're getting ******* sick of looking at 'em
You swore you'd never hit 'em; never do nothing to hurt 'em
Now you're in each other's face spewing venom in your words when you spit them
You push, pull each other's hair, scratch, claw, bit 'em
Throw 'em down, pin 'em
So lost in the moments when you're in them
It's the rage that took over,
It controls you both
So they say you're best to go your separate ways
Guess that they don't know you 'cause today that was yesterday
Yesterday is over, it's a different day
Sound like broken records playing over but you promised her
Next time you show restraint
You don't get another chance
Life is no Nintendo game
But you lied again
Now you get to watch her leave out the window
Guess that's why they call it window pane
[Chorus - Rihanna:]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
[Verse - Eminem:]
Now I know we said things, did things that we didn't mean
And we fall back into the same patterns, same routine
But your temper's just as bad as mine is
You're the same as me
When it comes to love you're just as blinded
Baby, please come back
It wasn't you, baby it was me
Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is I love you too much to walk away though
Come inside, pick up your bags off the sidewalk
Don't you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk
Told you this is my fault
Look me in the eyeball
Next time I'm pissed, I'll aim my fist at the drywall
Next time? There won't be no next time!
I apologize even though I know its lies
I'm tired of the games I just want her back
I know I'm a liar
If she ever tries to ******* leave again
Im'a tie her to the bed and set this house on fire
I'm just gonna
[Outro - Rihanna:]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
"Love The Way You Lie"
(Eminem feat. Rihanna)
[Intro - Rihanna:]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
[Verse - Eminem:]
I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now there's a steel knife in my windpipe
I can't breathe but I still fight while I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right it's like I'm in flight
High off her love, drunk from her hate,
It's like I'm huffing paint and I love her the more I suffer, I suffocate
And right before I'm about to drown, she resuscitates me
She ******* hates me and I love it.
"Wait! Where you going?"
"I'm leaving you!"
"No you ain't. Come back."
We're running right back.
Here we go again
It's so insane cause when it's going good, it's going great
I'm Superman with the wind at his back, she's Lois Lane
But when it's bad it's awful, I feel so ashamed I snapped
Who's that dude?
"I don't even know his name."
I laid hands on her, I'll never stoop so low again
I guess I don't know my own strength
[Chorus - Rihanna:]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
[Verse - Eminem:]
You ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe when you're with 'em
You meet and neither one of you even know what hit 'em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling
Yeah, them chills you used to get 'em
Now you're getting ******* sick of looking at 'em
You swore you'd never hit 'em; never do nothing to hurt 'em
Now you're in each other's face spewing venom in your words when you spit them
You push, pull each other's hair, scratch, claw, bit 'em
Throw 'em down, pin 'em
So lost in the moments when you're in them
It's the rage that took over,
It controls you both
So they say you're best to go your separate ways
Guess that they don't know you 'cause today that was yesterday
Yesterday is over, it's a different day
Sound like broken records playing over but you promised her
Next time you show restraint
You don't get another chance
Life is no Nintendo game
But you lied again
Now you get to watch her leave out the window
Guess that's why they call it window pane
[Chorus - Rihanna:]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
[Verse - Eminem:]
Now I know we said things, did things that we didn't mean
And we fall back into the same patterns, same routine
But your temper's just as bad as mine is
You're the same as me
When it comes to love you're just as blinded
Baby, please come back
It wasn't you, baby it was me
Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is I love you too much to walk away though
Come inside, pick up your bags off the sidewalk
Don't you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk
Told you this is my fault
Look me in the eyeball
Next time I'm pissed, I'll aim my fist at the drywall
Next time? There won't be no next time!
I apologize even though I know its lies
I'm tired of the games I just want her back
I know I'm a liar
If she ever tries to ******* leave again
Im'a tie her to the bed and set this house on fire
I'm just gonna
[Outro - Rihanna:]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
I know that what's hitting me hardest is his wife's response defending him. I can't even imagine what my sister felt when I went back to AXH. I am forever grateful that, while she didn't understand, she didn't turn her back.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Seeing her marry him and now defend him by telling the media it is nobody's business (it isn't)...reminds me of many members here becoming defensive about their relationships and attacking the very people whose help they are asking. I get it. I was defensive too at one point. So glad to not be there anymore. So glad to see things differently and accept what I could not change. Wish the same for everyone here.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Honestly I think he got off easy. His legal repercussions as a first time offender are rather light. The NFL hit him harder - after the tape came out at least - but he is not "banned for life". He is banned "indefinitely". "Indefinitely" does not mean "forever". It means "no definite time". He can be unbanned whenever the commissioner feels like it.
My guess is it'll be a couple of years. The peer pressure on other teams to not hire him will likely be pretty strong. Michael Vick faced the same sorts of issues only for hurting animals not another human being. Mark my words he will be back in the NFL before long.
My guess is it'll be a couple of years. The peer pressure on other teams to not hire him will likely be pretty strong. Michael Vick faced the same sorts of issues only for hurting animals not another human being. Mark my words he will be back in the NFL before long.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Taking5....yeah, it does seem that the sports communities tend to welcome their money makers back into the fold pretty easily. After the public outcry does down....the sports world doesn't seem to care about domestic and private life issues.
At one time it seemed that Tiger Woods crown had fallen.....now, it is rarely remembered.
"can he still play golf?" "Can he still attract fans?" Bottom line...it is big business.
Hopefully, it will shine a spotlight on domestic violence for a few minutes.
About 15minutes.......sigh.....
dandylion
At one time it seemed that Tiger Woods crown had fallen.....now, it is rarely remembered.
"can he still play golf?" "Can he still attract fans?" Bottom line...it is big business.
Hopefully, it will shine a spotlight on domestic violence for a few minutes.
About 15minutes.......sigh.....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 113
I don't enjoy watching football at all or follow it to closely. I was glad to see that his team released him and hopefully no other teams pick him up for a long time. It's so strang how Pete rose got suspended for life from baseball for gambling and things like this go hardly unpunished. Rice should be in jail, no questions asked, especially after that horrendous video came out.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Hockeyerik....about Pete Rose....I think the difference might be that gambling (in theory) is considered to have an effect within the sport....while "private life issues" are more outside the sport. Of, course, I am just spitballin', here...LOL.
I understand that Pete Rose didn't bet on his own team...just other ones. Personally, I thought that they were too hard on Pete Rose....I'll bet that gazillions of other baseball players did the same thing....and the league just looked the other way. It looked to me like they were gunning for him for some reason.
Rice is not in jail because his wife is protecting him. (as I understand it)
dandylion
I understand that Pete Rose didn't bet on his own team...just other ones. Personally, I thought that they were too hard on Pete Rose....I'll bet that gazillions of other baseball players did the same thing....and the league just looked the other way. It looked to me like they were gunning for him for some reason.
Rice is not in jail because his wife is protecting him. (as I understand it)
dandylion
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