can you ever trust again?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 56
can you ever trust again?
I've posted a few times on here at various stages throughtout my relationship. We've been together almost 3 years now. There have been relapses, but he's been sober just over 4 months now..... And this is great...but...
I'm finding it hard to trust him. The pain he's caused by the lies and sneaky behaviour have changed me. I'm a naturally trusting person- why not? Most people are honest aren't they?
His past "insane" behaviours have included sleeping with prostitutes during his marriage, I discovered sex sites he'd been on since being with me- these are the biggies I'm struggling with. Other stuff includes indulgent shopping sprees, selfish behaviour and a bit of compulsion thrown in for good measure.
I think I didn't deal with the big stuff, I put it to one side and it's surfacing. I've found myself snooping, hate doing it- we never find out anything good by doing it! I've checked his phone.... so I saw a text from a number not stored, it was an address, nothng else, just an address (oh it did have a kiss though), so obvs from a woman??? My mind has gone crazy thinking about it... Many many things could explain it but I've jumped to the conclusion its shady.
I told him I was having problems trusting him, that I find some of his day to day issues unsettling etc. He denies doing anything wrong. He recognises he needs to be more open and honest and he is trying...
How do you trust again?????
I'm finding it hard to trust him. The pain he's caused by the lies and sneaky behaviour have changed me. I'm a naturally trusting person- why not? Most people are honest aren't they?
His past "insane" behaviours have included sleeping with prostitutes during his marriage, I discovered sex sites he'd been on since being with me- these are the biggies I'm struggling with. Other stuff includes indulgent shopping sprees, selfish behaviour and a bit of compulsion thrown in for good measure.
I think I didn't deal with the big stuff, I put it to one side and it's surfacing. I've found myself snooping, hate doing it- we never find out anything good by doing it! I've checked his phone.... so I saw a text from a number not stored, it was an address, nothng else, just an address (oh it did have a kiss though), so obvs from a woman??? My mind has gone crazy thinking about it... Many many things could explain it but I've jumped to the conclusion its shady.
I told him I was having problems trusting him, that I find some of his day to day issues unsettling etc. He denies doing anything wrong. He recognises he needs to be more open and honest and he is trying...
How do you trust again?????
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I don't know.
For me, trust, once it's broken, is gone. I hung around in one relationship to figure out whether or not trust could be rebuilt (he cheated on me; no alcoholism involved). What I found out about myself was that while I could reestablish trust in him, I had lost respect for him. Which for me meant that I simply despised him. I saw him as morally inferior to me. And that's sort of a death knell for a relationship. You can be mad at someone or sad because of someone but when you feel they're a moral midget? I don't know that you can recover from that.
So that was my story. I don't know if it helps.
For me, trust, once it's broken, is gone. I hung around in one relationship to figure out whether or not trust could be rebuilt (he cheated on me; no alcoholism involved). What I found out about myself was that while I could reestablish trust in him, I had lost respect for him. Which for me meant that I simply despised him. I saw him as morally inferior to me. And that's sort of a death knell for a relationship. You can be mad at someone or sad because of someone but when you feel they're a moral midget? I don't know that you can recover from that.
So that was my story. I don't know if it helps.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
It takes a long time to regain trust. As long as you 2 can work together, go to councillors and be open with each other, you have a chance to build upon it. If you and he can't get through it because of one or the other then the trust may be permanently broken.
I have trust issues with my RAH but we have been working together to get through them. Its been hard but we're moving forward. Every day is a new day that we grow closer together. I have to say though... my husband was not into prostitutes and such so that makes it harder for you. I hope you can get through it with him if that's what you want.
I have trust issues with my RAH but we have been working together to get through them. Its been hard but we're moving forward. Every day is a new day that we grow closer together. I have to say though... my husband was not into prostitutes and such so that makes it harder for you. I hope you can get through it with him if that's what you want.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 278
You trust again by finding someone who's trustworthy.
Sorry to say this - but someone who sleeps with prostitutes when he's married, and visits sex sites when he's in a relationship with you whilst maintaining he's doing nothing wrong, doesn't fit the bill. This is someone whose value system is not compatible with yours.
Your instinct is telling you something here. I've been in a situation where I ignored a whole load of red flags because they contradicted what I wanted the relationship to be, and, for me, trust started when I learned to trust myself and my guts.
Making sensible choices became magically much easier after that.
Sorry to say this - but someone who sleeps with prostitutes when he's married, and visits sex sites when he's in a relationship with you whilst maintaining he's doing nothing wrong, doesn't fit the bill. This is someone whose value system is not compatible with yours.
Your instinct is telling you something here. I've been in a situation where I ignored a whole load of red flags because they contradicted what I wanted the relationship to be, and, for me, trust started when I learned to trust myself and my guts.
Making sensible choices became magically much easier after that.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 273
Agree with Rosa wholeheartedly and I'm coming from the other side of the fence. Alcohol IMHO exacerbates various personality traits but take away the alcohol and what you see is what you get. If he's naturally impulsive, inclined to cheat and lie, well those things aren't going away with sobriety. I've seen a lot of friends and family members here discover that they really don't like the person their significant other is once sober. Removing alcohol from the equation is merely the first step and changing basic character traits isn't likely to happen. Just my two cents from observations over time and food for thought.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i would NOT choose to trust someone who has exhibited that behavior. ever. don't care of they met with God personally. WE have to determine what we will allow, what we deem acceptable and what our boundaries are.
what are yours?
what are yours?
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
I have a very, very hard time associating with people who have broken my trust. I also have a hard time associating with people who I know are betraying the trust of others (cheating, lying, hiding receipts, whatever). You can't have a relationship in any form without trust. I may forgive, but I will never forget. I'm not naive or stupid.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: My Happy Place
Posts: 700
I agree with Anvil, those are absolute deal breakers. That is exactly why I am not with my X anymore. There was no way in hell I could ever trust HIM again.
Will I trust someone else someday? You bet. If they prove themselves trustworthy.
My X never cheated and was not into porn. He did not even own a computer or smartphone. Well.. that me reword that, he did cheat on me with alcohol and drugs, all kinds.
The lies.The bold faced, look you right in the eyes, and
tell you such a load of bs, was enough. He did this even in his half asses recovery attempts. I would not believe that man if he told me the sky is blue
Will I trust someone else someday? You bet. If they prove themselves trustworthy.
My X never cheated and was not into porn. He did not even own a computer or smartphone. Well.. that me reword that, he did cheat on me with alcohol and drugs, all kinds.
The lies.The bold faced, look you right in the eyes, and
tell you such a load of bs, was enough. He did this even in his half asses recovery attempts. I would not believe that man if he told me the sky is blue
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: The Bright Side of the Moon
Posts: 528
I'm just going to say that it's possible that your guy is a sex addict. Just as with alcoholism, he has to believe it's a problem, want help and actually work a program if he is an addict. There are groups like Al Anon which are for people who are affected by someone else's sexual acting out, though they are rare.
More bad news (depending on your perspective): it's progressive like alcoholism and it can be deadly as well.
Also a lot of addicts "in recovery" replace their more obvious addictions with other ones. You're talking about the compulsive spending and stuff. It's kind of another facet of that "addictive personality." I saw my X spend crazily when he left me. He was claiming that relationships were why he drank and that without me, he'd be able to get sober without working any sort of program. To the best of my intuition and knowledge, he also replaced me and alcohol with other women. Thing is, he didn't even stop drinking (until he was about to be fired and used treatment as a bargaining chip).
I guess I'm just suggesting that you look to see if this is just as bad as it was while he was active in his alcohol addiction, if you feel like he's just being a dry drunk, and do you want to stick around and wait for concrete evidence that he's cheating. Are you happy?
Me? Trusting my X is part of my disease. I want my dream to come true so bad that I force myself to remember the bad AND parent myself into believing that all that is unacceptable. I am really good at tolerating unacceptable behavior. It's a bad habit I learned in surviving my childhood. It doesn't work for me now. I don't have as high of boundaries and standards as other people do and that gets me hurt all the time. I'm teaching myself how to protect myself. I'm 39 and I'm still remedial, but improving every day. Where are you at on the continuum?
More bad news (depending on your perspective): it's progressive like alcoholism and it can be deadly as well.
Also a lot of addicts "in recovery" replace their more obvious addictions with other ones. You're talking about the compulsive spending and stuff. It's kind of another facet of that "addictive personality." I saw my X spend crazily when he left me. He was claiming that relationships were why he drank and that without me, he'd be able to get sober without working any sort of program. To the best of my intuition and knowledge, he also replaced me and alcohol with other women. Thing is, he didn't even stop drinking (until he was about to be fired and used treatment as a bargaining chip).
I guess I'm just suggesting that you look to see if this is just as bad as it was while he was active in his alcohol addiction, if you feel like he's just being a dry drunk, and do you want to stick around and wait for concrete evidence that he's cheating. Are you happy?
Me? Trusting my X is part of my disease. I want my dream to come true so bad that I force myself to remember the bad AND parent myself into believing that all that is unacceptable. I am really good at tolerating unacceptable behavior. It's a bad habit I learned in surviving my childhood. It doesn't work for me now. I don't have as high of boundaries and standards as other people do and that gets me hurt all the time. I'm teaching myself how to protect myself. I'm 39 and I'm still remedial, but improving every day. Where are you at on the continuum?
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 625
Yes, I have learned to trust again. To fail to do so would be to do damage to my sense of self. I was a trusting person. Untrustworthy people took that away from me. I took it back.
I trust because I am happier when I do so. But I do not trust blindly. It would be more accurate to say that I risk trusting. Risking trusting someone that I do not know if I can trust affirms the good in people. It is true that some people are not trustworthy, but I find that I have never been harmed irrevocably by trusting someone and when their words or actions show me that they are not trustworthy, to trust that they will be true to their-untrustworthy-nature.
The worst hurts that come from my dealings with untrustworthy people is not by having my trust in them broken. It comes from having my trust in myself broken when I do not trust myself that they will be the person they have shown themselves to be.
I trust because I am happier when I do so. But I do not trust blindly. It would be more accurate to say that I risk trusting. Risking trusting someone that I do not know if I can trust affirms the good in people. It is true that some people are not trustworthy, but I find that I have never been harmed irrevocably by trusting someone and when their words or actions show me that they are not trustworthy, to trust that they will be true to their-untrustworthy-nature.
The worst hurts that come from my dealings with untrustworthy people is not by having my trust in them broken. It comes from having my trust in myself broken when I do not trust myself that they will be the person they have shown themselves to be.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
Wellington, you find it hard to trust him because he has given you many excellent reasons not to trust him. Sleeping with prostitutes during his marriage, visiting sex sites, the indulgent shopping and now this weird text of an address and a kiss! What innocent explanation is there for that text?? I can't think of any.
When you try to discuss your feelings about trust he is defensive.
Saying he knows he needs to be more open and honest and he's "trying" indicates he is NOT open and honest.
I honestly don't see how you can trust him.
Sorry, I know you care for him.
When you try to discuss your feelings about trust he is defensive.
Saying he knows he needs to be more open and honest and he's "trying" indicates he is NOT open and honest.
I honestly don't see how you can trust him.
Sorry, I know you care for him.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I could not. And after a time my X knew it and stopped even trying. The relationship had been pushed too far, I had been pushed too far.
For myself, the hurt went way too deep to ever put myself at risk of being hurt like that again.
Hugs, tight hugs.
For myself, the hurt went way too deep to ever put myself at risk of being hurt like that again.
Hugs, tight hugs.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Perhaps you need to start trusting you instincts?
In self defense classes one of the first things you learn is to trust your instincts. If something doesn't feel right it probably isn't.
That should probably apply to emotional self defense as well.
Your friend,
In self defense classes one of the first things you learn is to trust your instincts. If something doesn't feel right it probably isn't.
That should probably apply to emotional self defense as well.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Something I was advised to do very early on here is stop listening to XAH's words, and start looking at XAH's actions.
If you ignore everything he SAYS, and look at everything he has DONE or IS DOING to you, the reality of the situation should be pretty clear.
If you ignore everything he SAYS, and look at everything he has DONE or IS DOING to you, the reality of the situation should be pretty clear.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 214
Trusting, to me, is knowing how actions and words match up.
First, I trusted that my ex loved me. He said so. The fact that his actions didn't match up--well, I just needed to do better at explaining that to him.....
With the help of Alanon, I learned how alcoholics' words and actions ACTUALLY match up. I got better at what to trust.
I trusted that when he was angry with me, it was because he needed an excuse to storm out and drink.
I trusted that when he was buying stuff he couldn't afford, he was building towards a big binge/relapse.
I trusted that if I did things independently, that weren't in his control, he'd threaten to leave me and try to convince me I'd fail and was a POS who couldn't live without him.
I trust alcoholics that aren't in recovery to behave exactly like alcoholics. Al anon, and SR, have helped me see the reality of what I'm dealing with, rather than the 'reality' the alcoholic was selling me. Thank you!!!
First, I trusted that my ex loved me. He said so. The fact that his actions didn't match up--well, I just needed to do better at explaining that to him.....
With the help of Alanon, I learned how alcoholics' words and actions ACTUALLY match up. I got better at what to trust.
I trusted that when he was angry with me, it was because he needed an excuse to storm out and drink.
I trusted that when he was buying stuff he couldn't afford, he was building towards a big binge/relapse.
I trusted that if I did things independently, that weren't in his control, he'd threaten to leave me and try to convince me I'd fail and was a POS who couldn't live without him.
I trust alcoholics that aren't in recovery to behave exactly like alcoholics. Al anon, and SR, have helped me see the reality of what I'm dealing with, rather than the 'reality' the alcoholic was selling me. Thank you!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 56
Thank you everyone. To update you.... we went on holiday last week, he "secretly" drank throughout the week. Didn't get drunk but lied and denied... The week was a huge anxiety filled horror.He's been drinking heavily since we got home and didn't make it to work this morning.
Even his sponsor feels its hopeless.
We've left him to it. It's up to him, no one is going to force him to sober up this time.
I couldn't help myself this morning and I went over to see what state he was in. It was terrifying what he's consumed.He was swaying and slurring.I left.
It's the lies, the deceit and the inability to trust. I'm desperately sad, scared and worried about him.
I cannot live like this though. My trust and faith has gone but I feel pathetic when I say I still love him.
I'm broken.
Even his sponsor feels its hopeless.
We've left him to it. It's up to him, no one is going to force him to sober up this time.
I couldn't help myself this morning and I went over to see what state he was in. It was terrifying what he's consumed.He was swaying and slurring.I left.
It's the lies, the deceit and the inability to trust. I'm desperately sad, scared and worried about him.
I cannot live like this though. My trust and faith has gone but I feel pathetic when I say I still love him.
I'm broken.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
We can only fix ourselves when we are broken. That applies to him, and you (all of us.) You are in a good place here in S/R - and you are not alone in all this. You can get yourself back. You can heal yourself enough to trust again.
You said "you can't live like this, and you've left him to it." That's a HUGE step towards repair. Congratulations!! Keep it up!
You said "you can't live like this, and you've left him to it." That's a HUGE step towards repair. Congratulations!! Keep it up!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 56
I think I know I need to end it. It's not healthy. My friends think I'm a shell of my former self.This is so so hard. I want to be angry but I'm just so sad. I want the truth about all my gut feelings but I doubt he has the ability to do this. He was happy on holiday for me to feel anxious and tell me I was paranoid. Every gut feeling has been spot on but I need confirmation. I want to be angry for goodness sake!
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