can you ever trust again?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
If I had a magic wand, I would give it to you. But of course it takes a bit more than that. You start by working towards accepting him for the person he is, not the person he used to be or that you wish he were, when you accept him, you will see/believe/feel/understand all that he can and cannot give you.
Ultimately, him telling you, yes you're right, I lied about this and that - how do you expect that will change anything for you? You don't need him to tell you not trust him. You need to believe your own feeling that you already don't trust him.
Ultimately, him telling you, yes you're right, I lied about this and that - how do you expect that will change anything for you? You don't need him to tell you not trust him. You need to believe your own feeling that you already don't trust him.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 278
Do you attend Alanon meetings? If not, I'd strongly recommend them! My experience is that my perspective on inappropriate relationships has changed. There was a time when I'd keep going back to guys who were seriously bad news, and be absolutely gutted when we finally parted for good whilst knowing it was inevitable. I also used to torture myself by telling myself I needed to leave, whilst another part of me really wasn't ready ("I still loved him!").
What I did find in CoDA, and reinforced by Alanon, was that once I took my focus off the relationship and him, and really concentrated on myself - with the support of the other members - things started to move on a very fundamental level. If you've got the validation of the group, you don't need validation from him, so it meant day-to-day life much easier.
Then, when I did get into an unhealthy relationship - the guy was wonderful at first, then started being very emotionally abusive - I gave it six weeks just to make sure that this wasn't just a blip - and then left for good, no looking back. No regrets either. His previous partner had stuck around for years and was a shadow of herself by the time they parted company.
And even with the alcoholic where the relationship propelled me towards Alanon, once he'd ended it, I started feeling angry with him almost immediately and I found it easy to detach. Looking back, I think I was meant to grovel, and he seemed quite shocked when I started making arrangements to move out immediately. Sure, it was a very stressful time, but my experience of these programs made it so much easier.
In fact, when we parted company, I found myself in a strange town with nowhere to live, no job, and where I hardly knew anybody, and certainly nobody well enough to share what was going on for me. I don't know what I'd have done without Alanon in those early days.
It isn't a thinking process, it's a feeling one and change comes from deep within, where we can't get at it. In fact, trying to force solutions is a symptom of OUR disease.
What I did find in CoDA, and reinforced by Alanon, was that once I took my focus off the relationship and him, and really concentrated on myself - with the support of the other members - things started to move on a very fundamental level. If you've got the validation of the group, you don't need validation from him, so it meant day-to-day life much easier.
Then, when I did get into an unhealthy relationship - the guy was wonderful at first, then started being very emotionally abusive - I gave it six weeks just to make sure that this wasn't just a blip - and then left for good, no looking back. No regrets either. His previous partner had stuck around for years and was a shadow of herself by the time they parted company.
And even with the alcoholic where the relationship propelled me towards Alanon, once he'd ended it, I started feeling angry with him almost immediately and I found it easy to detach. Looking back, I think I was meant to grovel, and he seemed quite shocked when I started making arrangements to move out immediately. Sure, it was a very stressful time, but my experience of these programs made it so much easier.
In fact, when we parted company, I found myself in a strange town with nowhere to live, no job, and where I hardly knew anybody, and certainly nobody well enough to share what was going on for me. I don't know what I'd have done without Alanon in those early days.
It isn't a thinking process, it's a feeling one and change comes from deep within, where we can't get at it. In fact, trying to force solutions is a symptom of OUR disease.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 102
I am dealing with this question right now. I am separated from my AW, she has been out of the house for a couple months now, I made her leave after a recent relapse - I set the boundary and the consequence, and she relapsed again, so...
Anyway, we have been married 25+ years, the last 10 of which have been with the benefit of her alcoholic binging. We are living separately right now, but still doing counseling. She is going to AA meetings and has been sober for most of the two months she has been gone (if I am to believe what she tells me, anyway).
The problem is trust has been obliterated after years of broken promises and bald-faced lying about drinking and an episode with an old boyfriend, and so on. With 25 years on the clock, I have been hesitant to just end it, and have continued with the counseling to see if it can be saved, but progress is very slow.
She says she wants to rebuild trust, but aside from not drinking, has not really been behaving in a trustworthy way. She says she wants to "spend time together", sets a date, then flakes on me for some reason or other, e.g. no-shows, then explains it as oh, I lost track of time - barely an apology, etc. I honestly do not know how we get from here to there. If I point out that she is not behaving in a trustworthy way, she picks back at some thing I have done. She says she wants to be together and it is very important to her, then acts as if it's a low priority. She says she will do something then forgets all about it. I express this sentiment, she says give me an example, I give her one, she bombards me with excuses.
I am honestly perplexed by all of this. I would think that any "normal" person, when confronted with a relationship crisis where they have broken trust, and wanted to re-establish it, would be going out of their way to put their best foot forward and demonstrate good faith at every opportunity, yet I am left feeling that I am still dealing with a dry drunk who is just telling me (and everyone else) what she thinks we want to hear, and is not really committed to any kind of change. I know she is under a lot of stress, being on her own, looking for work, but I'd like to think that if her marriage is as important to her as she says that I would be seeing more of an effort.
I can't help but feel the trend is in the wrong direction, and it would be foolish of me to invest too much in believing and trusting, since she seemingly can't be bothered to do so. For now, I am taking it a day at a time, seeing what happens, but I really really do wonder the same thing - is it even possible to rebuild trust from here?
Anyway, we have been married 25+ years, the last 10 of which have been with the benefit of her alcoholic binging. We are living separately right now, but still doing counseling. She is going to AA meetings and has been sober for most of the two months she has been gone (if I am to believe what she tells me, anyway).
The problem is trust has been obliterated after years of broken promises and bald-faced lying about drinking and an episode with an old boyfriend, and so on. With 25 years on the clock, I have been hesitant to just end it, and have continued with the counseling to see if it can be saved, but progress is very slow.
She says she wants to rebuild trust, but aside from not drinking, has not really been behaving in a trustworthy way. She says she wants to "spend time together", sets a date, then flakes on me for some reason or other, e.g. no-shows, then explains it as oh, I lost track of time - barely an apology, etc. I honestly do not know how we get from here to there. If I point out that she is not behaving in a trustworthy way, she picks back at some thing I have done. She says she wants to be together and it is very important to her, then acts as if it's a low priority. She says she will do something then forgets all about it. I express this sentiment, she says give me an example, I give her one, she bombards me with excuses.
I am honestly perplexed by all of this. I would think that any "normal" person, when confronted with a relationship crisis where they have broken trust, and wanted to re-establish it, would be going out of their way to put their best foot forward and demonstrate good faith at every opportunity, yet I am left feeling that I am still dealing with a dry drunk who is just telling me (and everyone else) what she thinks we want to hear, and is not really committed to any kind of change. I know she is under a lot of stress, being on her own, looking for work, but I'd like to think that if her marriage is as important to her as she says that I would be seeing more of an effort.
I can't help but feel the trend is in the wrong direction, and it would be foolish of me to invest too much in believing and trusting, since she seemingly can't be bothered to do so. For now, I am taking it a day at a time, seeing what happens, but I really really do wonder the same thing - is it even possible to rebuild trust from here?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 278
Originally Posted by jmartin 
She says she wants to rebuild trust, but aside from not drinking, has not really been behaving in a trustworthy way. She says she wants to "spend time together", sets a date, then flakes on me for some reason or other, e.g. no-shows, then explains it as oh, I lost track of time - barely an apology, etc. I honestly do not know how we get from here to there. If I point out that she is not behaving in a trustworthy way, she picks back at some thing I have done. She says she wants to be together and it is very important to her, then acts as if it's a low priority. She says she will do something then forgets all about it. I express this sentiment, she says give me an example, I give her one, she bombards me with excuses.
.....
I can't help but feel the trend is in the wrong direction, and it would be foolish of me to invest too much in believing and trusting, since she seemingly can't be bothered to do so. For now, I am taking it a day at a time, seeing what happens, but I really really do wonder the same thing - is it even possible to rebuild trust from here?
.....
I can't help but feel the trend is in the wrong direction, and it would be foolish of me to invest too much in believing and trusting, since she seemingly can't be bothered to do so. For now, I am taking it a day at a time, seeing what happens, but I really really do wonder the same thing - is it even possible to rebuild trust from here?
In the last paragraph, you've answered your own question. As to whether it's possible to rebuild trust from here, in the sense of her magically turning into someone reliable, responsible and mindful of others... well, what do you think? How long you stay in a relationship where you are being continually let down whilst waiting and hoping she'll change, is a very personal one, and the question is often a lot more subtle than simply asking whether to go or stay.
It's important to be in touch with the way things really are, though, rather than focus on the way we'd like them to be - especially if you're being damaged in the process.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
They say "when people show you who they are.... believe them, the first time".
I just sent my stbxah an email today, that I want no more contact with him. 26 year anni. on October 1st. Sad, very sad. But only way for me to get out of his deep hole. Cut ties, let him go. He's no longer who you thought he was. I think I thought I still loved him, but love shouldn't hurt, everyday. My truth.
I just sent my stbxah an email today, that I want no more contact with him. 26 year anni. on October 1st. Sad, very sad. But only way for me to get out of his deep hole. Cut ties, let him go. He's no longer who you thought he was. I think I thought I still loved him, but love shouldn't hurt, everyday. My truth.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Trust is earned. Whether you can trust someone is not up to you, it's up to them to be trustworthy. Earning anything takes time, which takes patience.
My RAH is trying to earn my trust and believe it or not that actually has very little to do with me. In the meantime, I'm learning to trust myself and my own gut instincts.
My RAH is trying to earn my trust and believe it or not that actually has very little to do with me. In the meantime, I'm learning to trust myself and my own gut instincts.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by Hammer
can you ever trust again?
Well sure, but then again . . . I am a complete Chump.
So that makes it easy for me.
A little too easy.
Well sure, but then again . . . I am a complete Chump.
So that makes it easy for me.
A little too easy.
My AH's trust must be earned. I once read this statement in a relationship book: A relationship is a privilege, not a right.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 276
In theory, anything is possible.
.
Rebuilding trust did not work for us AT ALL. You know, because I just didn't understand, it isn't that easy, he's trying his best, blah blah blah.
I would take an honest inventory of what you have left of the relationship.
Also, so sorry to hear about your holiday. What you are describing is EXACTLY like my vacations with AH. Sounds like more of a survival test!
. Rebuilding trust did not work for us AT ALL. You know, because I just didn't understand, it isn't that easy, he's trying his best, blah blah blah.
I would take an honest inventory of what you have left of the relationship.
Also, so sorry to hear about your holiday. What you are describing is EXACTLY like my vacations with AH. Sounds like more of a survival test!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
depends on what YOUR definition of TRUST is.....
if the past 3 times I ate at a certain restaurant and got violently ill afterwards, i'm not likely to TRUST that establishment ever again. i'm not giving the sushi another CHANCE.....
when people over time revert to certain behaviors, with consistent almost reliable repetition.....I can TRUST that they are likely to continue to display those behaviors.
we either trust what we know, what we have seen and experienced....or we trust what we hope and believe might be different THIS TIME,
if the past 3 times I ate at a certain restaurant and got violently ill afterwards, i'm not likely to TRUST that establishment ever again. i'm not giving the sushi another CHANCE.....
when people over time revert to certain behaviors, with consistent almost reliable repetition.....I can TRUST that they are likely to continue to display those behaviors.
we either trust what we know, what we have seen and experienced....or we trust what we hope and believe might be different THIS TIME,
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by lizatola
LOL, yep me too! Of course, if the question: can I ever trust my AH again? Then my answer would most likely be NO. If it means, can I ever trust another human being again, then YES, I do believe I am capable of trusting others.
My AH's trust must be earned. I once read this statement in a relationship book: A relationship is a privilege, not a right.
My AH's trust must be earned. I once read this statement in a relationship book: A relationship is a privilege, not a right.
Now not so bitter . . . it is more like . . . . sure why not?
Already know the outcome.
It is no wonder they can spot me.
If a guy could be a "dumb blonde" -- relationship wise. Well, yeah.
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