heart break

Old 09-09-2014, 10:55 AM
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heart break

I'm feeling so devastated. I was told my AH (we're separated) has relapsed. Apparently, he made new friends at cr. New friends that have encouraged and introduced even more drugs and alcohol.
I'm glad I'm with family. Not that I'm focusing on this.
He is being admitted to a rehab this week.
But, I'm so sorry that he is hurting so bad. And I'm sad that both aa and cr have not been beneficial. I know that there are bad apples in all places. And I know if you look for trouble you are sure to find it. I'm just sad that the safe place had not been safe for him.
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Old 09-09-2014, 11:08 AM
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Spia....how sad. I am so sorry to hear this.

I will warn you that rehabs are the same, it's quite amazing to me. If he wants to get well he will, if not, he will find a way not to.

So so sorry. I hope you continue to reach out for support for YOU!
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Old 09-09-2014, 11:14 AM
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I know. I just feel like his own must be so unbearable. I don't think he is getting high just to pay. I think and know it's to numb his pain. I'm so sorry for his family. I'm sorry his parents have to watch their child hurt, lost, and be so alone.
And I'm sorry for our daughter who is too young to understand any of this. But who can still feel the presence of pain through me.
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Old 09-09-2014, 11:16 AM
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Your right, it is a tragedy for all involved. I will pray for all of you!
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Old 09-09-2014, 11:18 AM
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I met with a friend last week who ranted about her husband just finding new drinking buddies at AA and no sobriety. She blamed it on AA of course as it was not her H's fault. When this man had an affair, she was most mad that the woman was not attractive in her opinion. Again he somehow was excused from blame. It really is pretty fascinating to see this total jerk get all sorts of free passes on inexcusable behavior from his absolutely brilliant and beautiful wife (clearly CODIE!).

It is the addict's choice to change his/her response to the environment. For my H, he could buy beer at a multitude of places and down it before I ever pieced it together. He could lose his sobriety at Whole Foods faster than AA or CR, but really alcohol is saturated everywhere. He has to make a choice multiple times a day to stay on his sober path.
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Old 09-09-2014, 12:04 PM
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My opinion....

I think when interventions occur, or different rehabs or support groups are made manadatory by the courts this is what occurs. People are just going through the motions to avoid jail or to please someone.

The addict has to WANT recovery and if it is forced or mandated it does not work.

I am sorry for your situation and I get the frustration and pain.

I don't mean your husband was forced to rehab, I mean the people who he used with again obviously did not have good intentions.
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Old 09-09-2014, 12:18 PM
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Originally Posted by spia View Post
I know. I just feel like his own must be so unbearable. I don't think he is getting high just to pay. I think and know it's to numb his pain. I'm so sorry for his family. I'm sorry his parents have to watch their child hurt, lost, and be so alone.
And I'm sorry for our daughter who is too young to understand any of this. But who can still feel the presence of pain through me.
Spia its good your husband is going to rehab. It doesnt matter how he gets in there as long as he stays for a while. It will give him time to get off the substances, away from users, and begin to think clearly about his life and what he wants. Rehabs are all different, but when my husband was in he got lots of personalized care, counseling for inside issues, the pain which you talk about. I think these things have to be resolved, and they have to get out of the habit of turning to substances for comfort, coping. If all his coping skills point him to substances then rehab can help him learn new life skills.

Of course he does have to want to change, but I dont think change is exactly always like BOOM im ready for change now. Being led into change is just as acceptable, having them slowly see aahh change is good.

My husband never did meetings of any kind, but rehab and counseling have worked for him.

I know you must be scared, but this is an opportunity for focused help and change. Its good !
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Old 09-09-2014, 12:23 PM
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My stepfather used to sit on the couch and watch the exercise videos that my mother bought him. She said to me one day...."those videos aren't doing him any good at all".
And, she was serious!! I was so astounded that I couldn't even think of anything to say back...

I don't mean to minimize your pain. It is so hard when they relapse....it dashes our hopes and dreams that include them to the bottom of the ocean floor.....
It emphasizes how little control we have over the alcoholic (zero).

I am sorry for your pain....I do understand how bad it hurts.....I think this would be even harder if you were living together......

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Old 09-09-2014, 12:41 PM
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spia...unless you were AT the meeting and witnessed members encouraging your AH to drink and use, all you have is hearsay. and my isn't that just the PERFECT excuse to not go back to AA or CR or whatever meetings again? i do not mean to minimize....nor do i mean to discount that what your heard might well be true.

but consider the source.

we get exactly out of meetings and therapy and rehab as we are willing to PUT IN. AA or Rational Recovery or any other support group merely offers a PROGRAM to follow, a RECIPE if you will. and if you follow it, as written, as suggested, and you do so with commitment and a fervent desire to get better, you will be rewarded with yet another day sober.

where people falter is when they skip key ingredients in that recipe....or when they make poor substitutions....skimp on the planning and the prep work...don't use the proper tools.

rehab is chef's school - he'll be taught the tools, how to use them, how to take care of them, how to follow the recipe. the rest is up to him.
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