Power and Control Wheel
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Power and Control Wheel
I spotted this online today and thought someone here might find it useful.
Attached is the "power and control wheel" which shows the methods by which an abuser controls the family and significant other, ASIDE FROM physical and sexual violence. The pressure and control are significant. I saw several things that my XAH did to me to keep me under his thumb. Whenever someone says, "He doesn't hit me," I always think of the other things on this wheel.
I also found this: "Fifty Obstacles to Leaving an Abusive Relationship" [http://www.vcpionline.org/%5C/pdfs/5...ms%20Stay.pdf]
I saw several patterns of thought on this list that I had to work through before I was ready and emotionally able to leave my marriage.
It's a helpful reminder to those of us on the "just leave" bandwagon that it it's usually more complicated than it looks.
Love to all.
Attached is the "power and control wheel" which shows the methods by which an abuser controls the family and significant other, ASIDE FROM physical and sexual violence. The pressure and control are significant. I saw several things that my XAH did to me to keep me under his thumb. Whenever someone says, "He doesn't hit me," I always think of the other things on this wheel.
I also found this: "Fifty Obstacles to Leaving an Abusive Relationship" [http://www.vcpionline.org/%5C/pdfs/5...ms%20Stay.pdf]
I saw several patterns of thought on this list that I had to work through before I was ready and emotionally able to leave my marriage.
It's a helpful reminder to those of us on the "just leave" bandwagon that it it's usually more complicated than it looks.
Love to all.
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My experience was that by the time things turned physical many of these other behaviors were already pretty well entrenched. It's not like someone is going to punch you out on the first date. People don't understand the huge amount of manipulation and other abusive behavior that goes hand in hand with physical violence. It is a long process of destroying self esteem and tearing down someone's will and energy before that first physical blow is ever struck.
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The money thing bugs me. I get it. However, I would never allow access to my money even if I was married. I also would never expect access to his money. If I was the breadwinner, I would give an allowance, because I give MYSELF an allowance. That is how I stay on budget.
I think the yours, mine and ours concept of money is the healthiest to me. I know people abuse all types of power positions. It has to do with the abuser mindset.
I think the yours, mine and ours concept of money is the healthiest to me. I know people abuse all types of power positions. It has to do with the abuser mindset.
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Originally Posted by Florence 
It's a helpful reminder to those of us on the "just leave" bandwagon that it it's usually more complicated than it looks.
Good clear concepts.But then when one adds in the GROSS IGNORANCE of the Gender Stereotypes in things such as . . . . This "Power and Control Wheel" . . . . and it just makes it more so.
While the statements may be true in concept . . . the genders may be not so much. Just is what it is.
Love to all.
Thanks.
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I've studied this wheel as part of my step 4 and I was pretty surprised to see my former Boss on here. I knew he was a bad working match for ME - but I thought it was ME! Ha ha ha! Turns out he really IS a rat bast-a-r---
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But then when one adds in the GROSS IGNORANCE of the Gender Stereotypes in things such as . . . . This "Power and Control Wheel" . . . . and it just makes it more so.
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Originally Posted by Florence
Yeah, I think they usually aim it one way because the intended audience is battered women. Statistically, men are usually the abusers of women, and women are usually the abusers of children. **** flows downhill.
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Another older post I thought I'd bump.
If you have time, check into Florence's other threads--there are many, and they are good. I'm going to be doing this myself--much of what she posted was either before my time here or when I was too new to really understand what was being said. It makes a lot more sense to me now than it did 3 years ago...
If you have time, check into Florence's other threads--there are many, and they are good. I'm going to be doing this myself--much of what she posted was either before my time here or when I was too new to really understand what was being said. It makes a lot more sense to me now than it did 3 years ago...
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The link in the first post to "50 Obstacles to Leaving an Abusive Relationship" doesn't seem to work any more, so here's a newer one that does work:
The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 50 Obstacles to Leaving: 1-10
The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 50 Obstacles to Leaving: 1-10
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Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
My experience was that by the time things turned physical many of these other behaviors were already pretty well entrenched. It's not like someone is going to punch you out on the first date. People don't understand the huge amount of manipulation and other abusive behavior that goes hand in hand with physical violence. It is a long process of destroying self esteem and tearing down someone's will and energy before that first physical blow is ever struck.
It is going to take me some many more months of self-love to be able to get my self-esteem back to where it used to be after the run in with him.
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Dang it, that link I posted is only for the first 10 reasons, and it's not easy to find the rest! Here's one that lists all 50 in one shot:
50 Obstacles to Leaving | Hope House Domestic Violence Services, Kansas City
And here's a link to a PDF document that gives more detail about each of those reasons:
http://web.law.asu.edu/Portals/38/Do...0Lvg%20Art.pdf
50 Obstacles to Leaving | Hope House Domestic Violence Services, Kansas City
And here's a link to a PDF document that gives more detail about each of those reasons:
http://web.law.asu.edu/Portals/38/Do...0Lvg%20Art.pdf
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