Florence

I spotted this online today and thought someone here might find it useful.

Attached is the "power and control wheel" which shows the methods by which an abuser controls the family and significant other, ASIDE FROM physical and sexual violence. The pressure and control are significant. I saw several things that my XAH did to me to keep me under his thumb. Whenever someone says, "He doesn't hit me," I always think of the other things on this wheel.

I also found this: "Fifty Obstacles to Leaving an Abusive Relationship" [http://www.vcpionline.org/%5C/pdfs/5...ms%20Stay.pdf]

I saw several patterns of thought on this list that I had to work through before I was ready and emotionally able to leave my marriage.

It's a helpful reminder to those of us on the "just leave" bandwagon that it it's usually more complicated than it looks.

Love to all.

mischa1

That's a really good tool. It's so scary that my AH does every one except physically hit me. I'm so glad to be be getting out.

ladyscribbler

My experience was that by the time things turned physical many of these other behaviors were already pretty well entrenched. It's not like someone is going to punch you out on the first date. People don't understand the huge amount of manipulation and other abusive behavior that goes hand in hand with physical violence. It is a long process of destroying self esteem and tearing down someone's will and energy before that first physical blow is ever struck.

MissFixit

The money thing bugs me. I get it. However, I would never allow access to my money even if I was married. I also would never expect access to his money. If I was the breadwinner, I would give an allowance, because I give MYSELF an allowance. That is how I stay on budget.

I think the yours, mine and ours concept of money is the healthiest to me. I know people abuse all types of power positions. It has to do with the abuser mindset.

Hammer

Well True Dat! Good clear concepts.

But then when one adds in the GROSS IGNORANCE of the Gender Stereotypes in things such as . . . . This "Power and Control Wheel" . . . . and it just makes it more so.

While the statements may be true in concept . . . the genders may be not so much. Just is what it is.



And much of the same to you.

Thanks.

CodeJob

I've studied this wheel as part of my step 4 and I was pretty surprised to see my former Boss on here. I knew he was a bad working match for ME - but I thought it was ME! Ha ha ha! Turns out he really IS a rat bast-a-r---

Florence

Yeah, I think they usually aim it one way because the intended audience is battered women. Statistically, men are usually the abusers of women, and women are usually the abusers of children. **** flows downhill.

hopeful4

Spot on....

Hammer

whew.

Cutting me twice on this, with my "Protect The Kids" stuff. Jebus, please.

CodeJob

Well Hammer, you are our beloved statistical outlier. Now do you feel better putting your ESH in mathematical terms?

MissFixit

When I see the gender stuff in psychiatric charts, I wonder if that will change. There are several gender stereotypes that really get under my skin as I do not think they apply any longer. Close to 50/50 women and men graduate from med school. Women work and earn money. Pay for themselves and are educated professional members of society. Some men cannot handle that concept as they didn't grow up around it or with those roles. It seems like the charts would reflect that change over time.

honeypig

Another older post I thought I'd bump.

If you have time, check into Florence's other threads--there are many, and they are good. I'm going to be doing this myself--much of what she posted was either before my time here or when I was too new to really understand what was being said. It makes a lot more sense to me now than it did 3 years ago...

honeypig

The link in the first post to "50 Obstacles to Leaving an Abusive Relationship" doesn't seem to work any more, so here's a newer one that does work:

The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 50 Obstacles to Leaving: 1-10

letitend

This all really resonates with me today. My xa was very controlling and manipulative. It is kind of like *duh* now. I am working my own side of damage control at the moment. My xa fit 7 out of 8 on the power wheel. He actually studies the subject of mind control, literally reads about it on the internet for hours on end. The reason he reads about has to do with his conspiratorial ideals, but I can't help but think he may have learned a thing or two and put it into practice. I pray for his new gf that it truly was just me he hated to treat me so bad. I wouldn't wish what I went thru with him on anyone.
It is going to take me some many more months of self-love to be able to get my self-esteem back to where it used to be after the run in with him.

honeypig

Dang it, that link I posted is only for the first 10 reasons, and it's not easy to find the rest! Here's one that lists all 50 in one shot:

50 Obstacles to Leaving | Hope House Domestic Violence Services, Kansas City

And here's a link to a PDF document that gives more detail about each of those reasons:

http://web.law.asu.edu/Portals/38/Do...0Lvg%20Art.pdf