EmmyG

I made more progress this weekend. My sister and I piled our kids into the car and drove from Southern to Northern California for my Grandfather's 80th birthday party. It was kind of a big deal, because most of us were in the same religion for many years, and most of us are now out now, but this was the first family birthday. I was apprehensive because I haven't seen many of them for a long time, and I stayed away a lot due to AH's issues. I always struggled a lot with going anywhere without him, because anytime I did, he would drink and get into trouble. I always had an excuse.

Anyway, it was SO wonderful seeing everyone. My cousins have always felt more like my siblings, and it felt really good getting to talk and see each other's kids. We all lost our close friends we grew up with when we left the church, so we are all dealing with the same stuff now. The best thing about it for me was that I didn't check my phone constantly! I didn't care where AH was or what he was doing. It was so freeing for me. It's taken so long to get here.

Lately, he has been surprisingly doing well. We are still apart of course, and I don't see that changing. But he's been awesome with the kids. Our 6-year-old started soccer recently, and he's been there with him for every practice, and bought him some really nice soccer kits. He's also picking them up after school since he gets off work first, and making sure they are well fed and bathed, etc.
I feel like their relationship is better than ever. I haven't seen/heard of him being drunk since the 4th of July. But I'm truly staying out of his business.

So this weekend, my favorite Aunt and Uncle were there. They live in New Hampshire. They moved my cousins there from California years ago and they love it. I've visited there a lot, and although the winters are harsh, I really like it there. I am really not liking LA. I never planned on living here, it just kind of happened. My parents live down here and my sister and I both wound up here. Separated AH and I both talk a lot about moving somewhere out of state, but he always says he thinks I would miss having the support network of my family. The good thing about moving out there is I would still have that. My family there is very stable and supportive, and my kids would get to grow up with their kids. Also, where I currently live, even though I make decent money, I will probably never be able to buy a house. It is also crazy here. The other day driving to work, there was traffic due to two separate shootings ON the freeway.

I don't want to make an impulsive decision, and I know my mother would probably have a breakdown (literally) if I moved my kids away from her. But at the same time, I feel ready to do it. I feel stronger than ever and I have no real ties here other than my parents. It might be a good thing to move and start fresh since I have none of the friends I grew up with anyway. I was raised in a small town and I miss that lifestyle.

AH has always been open to the east coast, and it would be a few hours closer to his UK family. Plus he has family in NY and he can get work out there. He would go too, and get his own place just like we have here.

Am I crazy??

Sungrl

Are you saying AH would move with you?

Bullfrog

Well, IMO, yes, you are being a little crazy.

You've had a lot of change in your life and I would personally stick with stabilizing your life as is for awhile.

Sungrl

I see you are saying that. I don't think you are crazy, but I do not think it is not in yours or your kids best interest to bring AH with. He is as much an alcoholic in NH as in CA. Sorry to be a downer, but that is very impulsive. Give it some time.

hopeful4

I would not move away from your main stability for a while. And asking your AH to move along w/you may give him false hopes for the future??

Stay strong! Glad you are doing well!

EmmyG

He'd move with me to be close to our kids, but we'd get separate houses like we have now.

And I wouldn't do it right now, it would be at least a year down the road. My kids just son just started the school year and I wouldn't move uproot him. It's something I would plan and prepare for well ahead of time.

EmmyG

My sister is very logical and she thinks it would be a great thing for me, she thinks she would probably move too. The thing about AH is I would not be moving in with him, the only reason we need to live close is for the kids. I wouldn't expect him to be any different there than he is here, so it wouldn't make much of a difference to me.

EmmyG

I think I'll keep it as an option, and if I still want to do it in six months, I'll consider it more seriously.

Sungrl

That makes a lot more sense Emmy. You made it sound like you were leaving tomorrow. LOL.

EmmyG

Haha! No, I don't want to be stupid. I've been thinking about leaving California for the last couple of years. I live in a great school district, but a 1200 sq. foot house will set you back $800k. I want to be realistic and I know that the grass is always greener and nowhere is utopia. At the same time, I have family there and it would be great to have them close and in my kids' lives (especially more positive male role models, which I think is important). I'm not going to make a rushed decision or assume that everything will be roses if I move. I like to do my research. I also will keep my parents in mind, but my mom likes to pressure me to live here and it's easy for her to say because she has never had to work or support herself. I know AH pays his half for the kids, but I still have to pay for my own household. If it were up to her I'd move me and the kids into her house lol.

hopeful4

Emmy, that sounds very reasonable. I know the costs of living there are sky high. It's always good to be with family, I wish my sister were in the same town as me. She is only about 3 hours away, but it would be so good to be neighbors!!!

So glad you are sounding so positive!! Hugs!

theuncertainty

I wouldn't say crazy, but I've personally been mulling over a move to the lower 48: keeping an eye out for a job that I'd love, or at least like, at a comparable wage, in an area with schools that I'd like for DS. Close to Mom and my other sister....

IDK, the part about your AH moving, too, and getting his own place kind of threw me back to when I first left AXH. There was a house on a huge parcel south of town that I was looking at. Tiny, cozy little home with a MIL apartment in a renovated barn at the other end of the property. I was thinking Perfect! DS and I could have the house and AXH could take the MIL apartment until he's ready to be on his own. Uggggghhhh. I'm so glad now I didn't go that route. I know you said your AH would be getting his own place, but... IMO if you're thinking about moving, I'd do it just looking at it from the perspective of you and your kiddos. Anything related to AH - other than determining how visitation would work - should be secondary.

I think, however, that as long as you're putting in the footwork to research the area, schools, housing, etc. it's not crazy.