Next steps
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Yellow Springs, OH
Posts: 5
Next steps
It's been about 6 months since I posted that I was setting out to explore the possibility of a renewed relationship with my XAH. As usual, I got some excellent feedback from this group, so I'm putting this out there hoping for more of the same.
XAH is now 17 months sober, and successfully treated for the underlying mental health conditions that couldn't be diagnosed before, thanks to the alcohol. These will probably mean that he will continue on disability for the rest of his life.
We have talked on the phone almost daily for the last 6 months, specifically to figure out where we are in our respective recoveries and whether we think we can start up again without derailing the work that's already been done. I have been looking for specific behavior changes: lack of emotional manipulation/drama, consistent involvement with his recovery program, taking ownership of the damage done by his addiction to our marriage and family, lack of blame-shifting/complaining and signs of genuine interest in and concern for my well-being. About 3 months ago he visited me for two weeks, as a litmus test for how we are able to interact after so much mutual pain and negative history. Although we had some hard conversations, there were no fights, much listening and a visible commitment to being gentle and open to one another.
What I have seen is a total 180 in his approach, not only to me but to his addiction, his mental health, and his responsibility for his own life. Not quite sure where it came from--strong psych meds? solid recovery program? skilled counseling? ending up homeless, hallucinating and living under a bridge? I don't think I will ever understand it, but I can say that his behavior has changed significantly, and that in 6 months of serious investigation, I have observed it to be consistent.
So that brings us to today. He has recently moved back to town, and made all the necessary arrangements to live simply and within his limited means, including connecting with medical and mental health providers and the local AA community (daily meetings within walking distance of his new home--this is a recovery-intense village!). We have established basic ground rules: no legal or financial commitments, contact only when he is sober, medicated and working his recovery program, and no promises except that we will be honest with each other and continue the experiment only as long as it enriches the lives of both parties.
Anyone else tried this and learned anything about how to improve the odds of success? We're both open to counseling if the need arises, and we seem to be very much on the same page of wanting to find new ways to relate that don't take us back down that horribly dark, chaotic path. I am actively making sure that I continue to make time for a social life of my own so as not to find myself isolated and without perspective again. I have not been going to Al-Anon meetings for some time, due to conflicts with work, but I am willing to change this if necessary.
I am not going into this with rosy expectations that it will all be unicorns and cupcakes. Relationships between healthy partners are difficult at best; this is bound to be harder in all kinds of ways I haven't even imagined yet. But I believe we are both committed to learning how to live authentic, meaningful emotionally sober lives, and that we want to find a way to do it together if at all possible. Any insights or guidance from you, beloved tribe, would be enormously valuable. Thanks in advance!
XAH is now 17 months sober, and successfully treated for the underlying mental health conditions that couldn't be diagnosed before, thanks to the alcohol. These will probably mean that he will continue on disability for the rest of his life.
We have talked on the phone almost daily for the last 6 months, specifically to figure out where we are in our respective recoveries and whether we think we can start up again without derailing the work that's already been done. I have been looking for specific behavior changes: lack of emotional manipulation/drama, consistent involvement with his recovery program, taking ownership of the damage done by his addiction to our marriage and family, lack of blame-shifting/complaining and signs of genuine interest in and concern for my well-being. About 3 months ago he visited me for two weeks, as a litmus test for how we are able to interact after so much mutual pain and negative history. Although we had some hard conversations, there were no fights, much listening and a visible commitment to being gentle and open to one another.
What I have seen is a total 180 in his approach, not only to me but to his addiction, his mental health, and his responsibility for his own life. Not quite sure where it came from--strong psych meds? solid recovery program? skilled counseling? ending up homeless, hallucinating and living under a bridge? I don't think I will ever understand it, but I can say that his behavior has changed significantly, and that in 6 months of serious investigation, I have observed it to be consistent.
So that brings us to today. He has recently moved back to town, and made all the necessary arrangements to live simply and within his limited means, including connecting with medical and mental health providers and the local AA community (daily meetings within walking distance of his new home--this is a recovery-intense village!). We have established basic ground rules: no legal or financial commitments, contact only when he is sober, medicated and working his recovery program, and no promises except that we will be honest with each other and continue the experiment only as long as it enriches the lives of both parties.
Anyone else tried this and learned anything about how to improve the odds of success? We're both open to counseling if the need arises, and we seem to be very much on the same page of wanting to find new ways to relate that don't take us back down that horribly dark, chaotic path. I am actively making sure that I continue to make time for a social life of my own so as not to find myself isolated and without perspective again. I have not been going to Al-Anon meetings for some time, due to conflicts with work, but I am willing to change this if necessary.
I am not going into this with rosy expectations that it will all be unicorns and cupcakes. Relationships between healthy partners are difficult at best; this is bound to be harder in all kinds of ways I haven't even imagined yet. But I believe we are both committed to learning how to live authentic, meaningful emotionally sober lives, and that we want to find a way to do it together if at all possible. Any insights or guidance from you, beloved tribe, would be enormously valuable. Thanks in advance!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Honestly it sounds like you have a plan that is working for you and is well thought out.
My RAH is also bi-polar. He is medicated well - though its not all a walk in the park. Before making a final commitment to living together I would advise a year of living the way you are before taking it further.
Meds obviously help but there are still issues, and you just need to experience it and decide if you can live with it.
My RAH is also bi-polar. He is medicated well - though its not all a walk in the park. Before making a final commitment to living together I would advise a year of living the way you are before taking it further.
Meds obviously help but there are still issues, and you just need to experience it and decide if you can live with it.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Sounds like you've gotten it as figured out as any of us do 
..... your plan comes across as cautious, workable & pretty clearly defined in terms of boundaries. The rest of it is just Baby Steps of Action, IMO. I know that we often hear that the best chance for "success" is for both parties to work strong recoveries & it sounds like you are both committed to that. You are really smart to take things slow like this, it's the best way to observe whether the actions follow the words.
..... your plan comes across as cautious, workable & pretty clearly defined in terms of boundaries. The rest of it is just Baby Steps of Action, IMO. I know that we often hear that the best chance for "success" is for both parties to work strong recoveries & it sounds like you are both committed to that. You are really smart to take things slow like this, it's the best way to observe whether the actions follow the words.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 214
It sounds like you are taking things cautiously and gradually, which is great! If either one of you decides at some point that it can't go further, it seems you'd be able to have an open conversation and preserve your friendship, which is wonderful.
You've both been in the trenches together. Reconnecting and being able to heal together must feel rewarding.
I'd suggest going back to al-anon, to keep the focus on you and your recovery. It can offer clarity and tools to help YOU grow, no matter where your ex is in his recovery.
Congrats to you and your husband on all your progress!!
You've both been in the trenches together. Reconnecting and being able to heal together must feel rewarding.
I'd suggest going back to al-anon, to keep the focus on you and your recovery. It can offer clarity and tools to help YOU grow, no matter where your ex is in his recovery.
Congrats to you and your husband on all your progress!!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I second the congrats to both of you! I know there is a lot of grim info here on the board about relapse, etc, but there are people who have a bottom, who hit it and take hold of their recovery. It sounds like that is what he has done, HUGE credits to both of you!
I think you sounds cautiously optimistic, which is great. You are not in a rush. I think a lot of times that is where the trouble comes from. We as a society want things to be "fixed," and we want that done...yesterday. Recovery takes very real time. The risk of relapse will always be there, but it sounds like you are aware to that.
Good luck to you both, and many blessings to you! I hope he stays well! Keep us updated!
I think you sounds cautiously optimistic, which is great. You are not in a rush. I think a lot of times that is where the trouble comes from. We as a society want things to be "fixed," and we want that done...yesterday. Recovery takes very real time. The risk of relapse will always be there, but it sounds like you are aware to that.
Good luck to you both, and many blessings to you! I hope he stays well! Keep us updated!
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