CarryOn

SR friends, I have an admission. I have been in denial. I have been unwilling to accept the things I cannot change.

RAH has relapsed. I'm not sure when exactly, but I now know it has happened. I was struggling with whether what I was seeing were signs of PAWS or relapse so I kept to my side of the street. It has been confusing because we made leaps & bounds of progress in our relationship while he was in recovery - I was really happy in our relationship & so hopeful for the future. A lot of the relationship progress was being maintained while I was seeing little signs that something else was happening.

I called him out on it - he admitted it. He likes beer. He doesn't think he has a problem. That is his truth - I need to listen.

I've told him that I'm done. I called my mom and told her that I need to divorce him - had to tell someone while I am firm in my decision. I know my heart will want to give him a thousand more chances, but my head knows I can't handle it.

I know several others have reached this point in the last few weeks and I have appreciated reading all the ESH in those threads. I've got to get this out, too. Thanks for reading; I'm going to focus on me and keeping busy.

mischa1

I'm so sorry. Xoxoxoxo. I can't imagine how it must feel to be so close and then watch it go away. Keep posting. It's helping me keep strong. Every time I feel weak I post and I always get response. And I post a lot. Aka Im weak a lot.

CodeJob

Hugs CarryOn, you have the right to stop riding the crazy train.

mysocalledlife

Really sorry to hear this carryon.

WendyOR

I am so sorry. I am glad you are focusing on what you can handle, and your reality. I hope you are being kind to yourself today. I know days can get hard and I hope you are focusing on you. I think you are very brave.

FireSprite

((((((Hugs)))))) I'm so sorry CarryOn, you must be so frustrated & disappointed.

TonightTonight

So sorry you're going through this, it must be such a disappointment to say the least. Good for you for letting your head take the lead on your decision though, what strength and clarity that must take. Hugs to you...

CarryOn

Thank you all for the support and the ongoing ES&H. I really would not have been able to reach this decision without everything I have learned from SR. I know that there are things I want for myself (a healthy partner, children & much more) that I cannot get from AH and I know I have given him every possible opportunity to turn himself around, but he is choosing not to. As I have read from several here, it is time to step away and love him from afar.

I know I have a rough road ahead, at least for awhile. My mom believes I'm through the worst of it and things will get better and easier from here on out. I hope that she is right; AH tends towards depression so I anticipate he will just retreat. I had a good day overall - windows open in the beautiful weather, did some cleaning & some mindless peaceful activities. Going to try to get to bed early in hopes of good rest tonight. I am overwhelmed with various sad feelings - anger, hurt, disappointment, frustration, etc. and have stopped throughout the day to cry. I never would have thought this would happen to us. I had no idea what I was in for when he originally relapsed after so many years of sobriety. I have been truly blown away by the destructive power of this disease.

hopeful4

I am sorry, but relieved for you too. I agree with your mom, after the agony of getting to the decision of knowing what you need to do, everything else is just one thing at a time.

Alcoholism has ruined many of families, it is a horrible disease.

Stay strong!

XXX

LGL

I have no advice, just sending supportive thoughts your way...

Didit

My husband gave me 20 years of 1 more chances!!! I can't say that I will never drink again (no alkie can)...but he knows I will not drink today! We are starting to build a new life....and it is pretty exciting!! Hang in there..any way the wind blows!!

stella27

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I agree 100% that he has told you who he is and it's your choice to accept it for your life or not. I sometimes hate the clarity that all this having-to-participate-in-recovery has given me.

merrygoround1

Even if AH is prone to depression doesn't mean he will retreat. For me....a new person emerged when I said I was done and he did not want to loose control. I was surprised. If they have the means be ready for lawyers to start doing the denial for them and the enablers to tell him to do things he hadn't done for years. A new chance in life? or just unwilling for anyone to know there is a problem because of a divorce. It is painful and I can see why it can be easier to just find a way to stop the pain by giving in or going back....I used to do it between his drinking cycles ...and the one more chances. I used to call it: believing in him and supporting him...but remember we are at fault in this cycle too because I kept doing that even when it got really bad..I was trying to keep the peace and stop my own pain by retreating to a place of believe in him...and stop fighting him.

CarryOn

Thank you, merrygoround, something I definitely need to keep in mind as a possibility. I previously kicked AH out of the house, and he did not fight me at that time. He ended up quitting & working a program & eventually back home. He did not fight me through that process, so I hope that he will not fight me now, but you never know. Hope for the best while preparing for the worst, right? Thank you for sharing & for helping to keep me on solid ground.

Blossom717

Good luck to you and your progress...the road ahead is both harder and easier.

remember going forward...you always know what to expect from you. You always know what you are going home to when there isn't an addict there. There is a sense of peace to that.