She emailed
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 113
Thanks care.
I know I wouldn't be doing her any favors. She isn't going to like anything I have to say, that I know. I do feel I should say something to her for my sake. At least to be on the record as having made it clear that this is a long road back for me, if it's even possible. Even though her emails have been a little more positive than usual they still have an underlying tone of manipulation and non acceptance of what has happened. She blamed me in a round about way because her daughter is distraught over all that has happened. As if she couldn't explain it to her herself.
So yes, I am afraid to talk to her, I don't fully trust myself to say what I need to say and not get caught up in the BS. If it goes poorly I will just go no contact again and be hard to reach, which is good for me but just causes her to start talking to anyone who will listen about all she has been doing for herself and how non communicative I am. We will see what happens.
I know I wouldn't be doing her any favors. She isn't going to like anything I have to say, that I know. I do feel I should say something to her for my sake. At least to be on the record as having made it clear that this is a long road back for me, if it's even possible. Even though her emails have been a little more positive than usual they still have an underlying tone of manipulation and non acceptance of what has happened. She blamed me in a round about way because her daughter is distraught over all that has happened. As if she couldn't explain it to her herself.
So yes, I am afraid to talk to her, I don't fully trust myself to say what I need to say and not get caught up in the BS. If it goes poorly I will just go no contact again and be hard to reach, which is good for me but just causes her to start talking to anyone who will listen about all she has been doing for herself and how non communicative I am. We will see what happens.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I don't fully trust myself to say what I need to say and not get caught up in the BS.
then....don't. remember SHE emailed you....you are under NO obligation to reply...to this email or any other....no phone call or letter. YOU get to choose what you do on your own timetable, not anyone else's.
you can say no.
you can say no thanks, not now.
you don't have to respond.
then....don't. remember SHE emailed you....you are under NO obligation to reply...to this email or any other....no phone call or letter. YOU get to choose what you do on your own timetable, not anyone else's.
you can say no.
you can say no thanks, not now.
you don't have to respond.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 11
Don't I understand!
Hockyerick- I just came back to my apartment crying because I "left" my xah again. We are divorced. I just came back this past friday because he had been talking of suicide. He filed the divorce. I have not had no contact with him since I left. Only for periods of days. I know I need no contact. I feel so responsible for his well being and it's so hard to take care of myself. I don't know how- I have put myself last for everyone I don't know how to take care of myself.
I have enabled my children. They have never had to suffer- not in the since of material things. All my children are adults now. God help them for all they have lived through with an alcoholic parent. I stayed to give them a normal childhood. hahahaha. What was I thinking?
Anyway just moments ago I was told to get my f@#$% things out, my f@#$% dog and get the hell out. I was a f@#$% b#$%^. I took my dog and few things and left.
I only had come to the conclusion today that I have to take care of myself- just by coming to this site. I am emotionally exhausted. I am soo tired!
I have enabled my children. They have never had to suffer- not in the since of material things. All my children are adults now. God help them for all they have lived through with an alcoholic parent. I stayed to give them a normal childhood. hahahaha. What was I thinking?
Anyway just moments ago I was told to get my f@#$% things out, my f@#$% dog and get the hell out. I was a f@#$% b#$%^. I took my dog and few things and left.
I only had come to the conclusion today that I have to take care of myself- just by coming to this site. I am emotionally exhausted. I am soo tired!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Hockeyerik......I noted something about how it will look when she (possibly) will be able to paint you in a bad light for not communicating with her just like she wants you to.
I suspect that this feels like a kick in the stomach for you.....at just the image of that.
For those of us who pride ourselves as being a good person...and put a lot of value in our "reputation" as a good person....we can suffer a lot of ego loss......
This can have origins in our early childhood development....getting our value and real or imagined love from our caretakers only from the "good" things that we do. Only good boys are deserving of love....kind of thing.
LOL....I don't know if I am being very clear about what I am trying to say to you!!!!
The point is.....you can't let the things she will say about you....and painting you as a black hat.....you just can't let any opinion of you count except your own. You know your own truth. That is what counts in the long run.
Got to grow a thick rhino skin.....
dandylion
I suspect that this feels like a kick in the stomach for you.....at just the image of that.
For those of us who pride ourselves as being a good person...and put a lot of value in our "reputation" as a good person....we can suffer a lot of ego loss......
This can have origins in our early childhood development....getting our value and real or imagined love from our caretakers only from the "good" things that we do. Only good boys are deserving of love....kind of thing.
LOL....I don't know if I am being very clear about what I am trying to say to you!!!!
The point is.....you can't let the things she will say about you....and painting you as a black hat.....you just can't let any opinion of you count except your own. You know your own truth. That is what counts in the long run.
Got to grow a thick rhino skin.....
dandylion
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: The Bright Side of the Moon
Posts: 528
Ditto Dandylion's last post. My X tells me that he doesn't share our personal business with anyone. Yet people have told me they wondered if I was trying to punish him for leaving me by "keeping our son away from him." People don't know how much the A's lie, how untrustworthy they really are, not the way that the people who live with them do. Watch and wait. Anyone she's talking to will eventually figure it out. If they don't, you're better off not having them in your life.
Just as her actions speak louder than words, yours do too. Anyone worth having in your life will judge you based on what YOU say and do, not what SHE says about you. Dandylion was right that YOU have to know the truth of you. You never need to defend your truth as long as you know that you're doing what you think is right in the given moment.
You might end up losing some of your friends and social scene. You have the opportunity to make new friends too. New playground, new friends: same as for addicts in recovery.
Just as her actions speak louder than words, yours do too. Anyone worth having in your life will judge you based on what YOU say and do, not what SHE says about you. Dandylion was right that YOU have to know the truth of you. You never need to defend your truth as long as you know that you're doing what you think is right in the given moment.
You might end up losing some of your friends and social scene. You have the opportunity to make new friends too. New playground, new friends: same as for addicts in recovery.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 113
Thank you everyone for your responses.
I did not listen to your advice however and gave her a call. All I have to say is holy s***!! NOTHING has changed. I had hope, why, I don't know. All she did was tell me how much her daughter does not like me. What her parents and supposed therapist think of me as a person. Asked me to make a decision of what to do about us right now, I asked if she wanted my right now answer or to keep on our separate recoveries and see what happens, she says right now. I say ok then let's file divorce papers and end our legal arrangement now. She turns around and says, you don't want to give it time. I say I asked, she says I didn't. Holy gaslight. All the while she sounded like she was drinking, that voice is unmistakeable.
I did well though, I didn't buy into her BS, and I didnt defend myself. What other people think of me is none of my business. Back to my simple life and me time.
Next time I'm listening to you wonderful people. I guess we must take our own lumps to really get it though. Thanks
I did not listen to your advice however and gave her a call. All I have to say is holy s***!! NOTHING has changed. I had hope, why, I don't know. All she did was tell me how much her daughter does not like me. What her parents and supposed therapist think of me as a person. Asked me to make a decision of what to do about us right now, I asked if she wanted my right now answer or to keep on our separate recoveries and see what happens, she says right now. I say ok then let's file divorce papers and end our legal arrangement now. She turns around and says, you don't want to give it time. I say I asked, she says I didn't. Holy gaslight. All the while she sounded like she was drinking, that voice is unmistakeable.
I did well though, I didn't buy into her BS, and I didnt defend myself. What other people think of me is none of my business. Back to my simple life and me time.
Next time I'm listening to you wonderful people. I guess we must take our own lumps to really get it though. Thanks
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Hockeyerik......sometimes, we just can't seem to resist the temptation to touch the stove again to see if it is still hot.......
Think of it as part of your learning curve. Now, you have more information than you had yesterday at this time....LOL.
It takes time and focused effort for an alcoholic to change their thinking and then transfer that into behaviors. That time is best measured in months and years than in days and weeks.
This is tough stuff......
Don't beat yourself up too much.....just try to l earn from it.....
dandylion
Think of it as part of your learning curve. Now, you have more information than you had yesterday at this time....LOL.
It takes time and focused effort for an alcoholic to change their thinking and then transfer that into behaviors. That time is best measured in months and years than in days and weeks.
This is tough stuff......
Don't beat yourself up too much.....just try to l earn from it.....
dandylion
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Hockeyerik.....I will tell you a funny story, along these same lines.I lived mostly at my grandmothers house, on her mountain farm, when I was little. I loved the dog...Fido. Fido and a cat named Tom were my best friends. Fido's food dish was kept outside, at the back of the house.
One day, when I was about 3 to 4 yrs. of age, my grandmother brought out some meat and bones for his dish. She told me to go sit on the near by bank while he ate. She told me sternly never to go near a dish when a dog is eating, because they will surely bite.
I can still remember sitting there and thinking: "What does she know? Fido would NEVER bite me.....cause we are best friends and he loves me more than anyone else!
I am going to take his bone just to show her that Fido will not bite me!!
Weell......I can tell you that, to this day I still have a scar on the side of my hand with which to remember Fido!
My grandmother told me...."Some people learn from advice, but others must learn from the School of Experience....for a fool will learn from no other". (My dear grandma had a saying for everything...everything).
Just thought I would share.......
dandylion
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 113
Thanks dandy,
Oh I've learned. The good news is I didn't walk away from the conversation hurt, angry, or even surprised. I know recovery takes a long time and I wasn't expecting a miracle. My thought process was if she had been doing the things she said she was then maybe a she would have larded something and a human conversation could possibly happen. It is now obvious to me that she just wants any opportunity she can get to try and make me feel bad about myself. The good news is that's not going to work.
With everyone's stories here being so similar I don't think mine is any different. When she said she wanted to explain to me the steps she has been taking I thought ok that's fair I can listen. That was the last thing she wanted to do and lasted about 30 seconds of the phone call.
I definitely had my rhino skin on, her nastiness didn't effect me. Like I said, I was expecting progress not perfection. Progress hasn't even begun. Thanks for your reply, I really do appreciate it
Oh I've learned. The good news is I didn't walk away from the conversation hurt, angry, or even surprised. I know recovery takes a long time and I wasn't expecting a miracle. My thought process was if she had been doing the things she said she was then maybe a she would have larded something and a human conversation could possibly happen. It is now obvious to me that she just wants any opportunity she can get to try and make me feel bad about myself. The good news is that's not going to work.
With everyone's stories here being so similar I don't think mine is any different. When she said she wanted to explain to me the steps she has been taking I thought ok that's fair I can listen. That was the last thing she wanted to do and lasted about 30 seconds of the phone call.
I definitely had my rhino skin on, her nastiness didn't effect me. Like I said, I was expecting progress not perfection. Progress hasn't even begun. Thanks for your reply, I really do appreciate it
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
[QUOTE=dandylion;4887880].I noted something about how it will look when she (possibly) will be able to paint you in a bad light for not communicating with her just like she wants you to.
I suspect that this feels like a kick in the stomach for you.....at just the image of that.
For those of us who pride ourselves as being a good person...and put a lot of value in our "reputation" as a good person....we can suffer a lot of ego loss......
I really appreciate the earlier post that said "If you want to know where an alcoholic is REALLY coming from, just tell them "NO"!
Spreading a bunch of negative info about you is just the desperate attempt to hurt, a form of abuse. I was never scared of this when I lived in larger cities (hell, my friends know and love me and wouldn't be swayed by misinformation from an angry, scorned love...), but now that I live in a small community, this actually is a powerful threat.
I have to have faith in two things -
1. That other people aren't stupid. If they can't read through the lies right now, they will see it after they get burned or manipulated in some form by the alcoholic.
2. That it is also possible that my taking a strong stance (and it is not unkind, or b****y, or evil to ask someone to leave your life because it isn't working for you - normal folks don't stay in relationships that make them miserable...), I am modeling healthy behavior in and to my community. Perhaps I will inspire someone else to do the same in their situation...
Having recently asked my charming/angry alcoholic to leave my home, I spun for days on not only the mean and ****** things he might tell people about me, but the very real possibility that he would spread information I had shared with him in moments of intimacy, the vulnerable parts of my story.
Then I took a deep breath and thought through what impact that would have on others. If he chooses to tell folks "she's a crazy b****. She ended the relationship and now she won't even meet me for coffee...", or "she's crazy, did you know she was abused as a child?" - um, would that make people think less of me?
Also, notice that the common denominator of my fears is that the word "crazy" is in all of my imagined shamings - the word that abusive or alcoholic partners tend to throw around like confetti when you finally do say "NO!" with any power behind it.
I am with the folks that say you should only respond to this contact with "so glad to hear that you are doing well. I send you best wishes for your recovery." and plan to not even consider contact until she has from 6 months to a year under her belt.
I suspect that this feels like a kick in the stomach for you.....at just the image of that.
For those of us who pride ourselves as being a good person...and put a lot of value in our "reputation" as a good person....we can suffer a lot of ego loss......
I really appreciate the earlier post that said "If you want to know where an alcoholic is REALLY coming from, just tell them "NO"!
Spreading a bunch of negative info about you is just the desperate attempt to hurt, a form of abuse. I was never scared of this when I lived in larger cities (hell, my friends know and love me and wouldn't be swayed by misinformation from an angry, scorned love...), but now that I live in a small community, this actually is a powerful threat.
I have to have faith in two things -
1. That other people aren't stupid. If they can't read through the lies right now, they will see it after they get burned or manipulated in some form by the alcoholic.
2. That it is also possible that my taking a strong stance (and it is not unkind, or b****y, or evil to ask someone to leave your life because it isn't working for you - normal folks don't stay in relationships that make them miserable...), I am modeling healthy behavior in and to my community. Perhaps I will inspire someone else to do the same in their situation...
Having recently asked my charming/angry alcoholic to leave my home, I spun for days on not only the mean and ****** things he might tell people about me, but the very real possibility that he would spread information I had shared with him in moments of intimacy, the vulnerable parts of my story.
Then I took a deep breath and thought through what impact that would have on others. If he chooses to tell folks "she's a crazy b****. She ended the relationship and now she won't even meet me for coffee...", or "she's crazy, did you know she was abused as a child?" - um, would that make people think less of me?
Also, notice that the common denominator of my fears is that the word "crazy" is in all of my imagined shamings - the word that abusive or alcoholic partners tend to throw around like confetti when you finally do say "NO!" with any power behind it.
I am with the folks that say you should only respond to this contact with "so glad to hear that you are doing well. I send you best wishes for your recovery." and plan to not even consider contact until she has from 6 months to a year under her belt.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Thanks, heartcore. You are sooo right......they seem to love to throw that word "crazy" around like "confetti".....LOL. They know, instinctively, that it pushes o ur buttons!!
P.S......I love your owl.
dandylion
P.S......I love your owl.
dandylion
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 113
Thank you. That is very helpful. I have learned my lesson and am becoming ok with the crap she is saying about me. Fortunately, the person she is trying to sell it to the hardest is my mom. Hahah, good luck barking up that tree. The only other people who "may think less of me" won't be in my life in any menacing full way much longer. I.e HER family.
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