How do I stop being triggered by info about him
Baby Steps
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
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How do I stop being triggered by info about him
I have asked all of my friends and family to not tell me anything about what my separated AH is up as when I know I feel very upset and anxious.
Tonight my friend texted me to say her ex husband, my AH friend and where he is AH will certainly be was having a house party! I knew AH would be there and I got really upset and suddenly started crying. I kept thinking how can he be out partying and having a ball when with all the damage he has done to me and the kids, he really doesn't care at all. I have calmed myself down but I am annoyed that I let that information upset me, what do I expect he's an alcoholic, he drinks to forget his problems, he thinks it makes him feel better. He doesn't care! Focus on you!!
I have had 2 very good days and was feeling very positive then today I have been feeling very low. I decided to write a letter to him, not post it, but so I could get everything out and say goodbye to him, it was more for my own benefit, acknowledging that I had to move on and for me this was a good idea to help me, maybe it wasn't but I had to try something. After I wrote the letter I was exhausted as although it started very calm, I loved him but I couldn't hold on anymore, how his actions showed me what he couldn't tell me etc by the end I was so angry I just let all my anger out and it felt good but exhausting!!
This is going to keep happening I am going to hear about what he's up to and I don't want to keep being triggered and becoming upset, what he does is not my problem, how I respond is.
What did others do when they became triggered by their ex and their lifestyle?
Thank you
Tonight my friend texted me to say her ex husband, my AH friend and where he is AH will certainly be was having a house party! I knew AH would be there and I got really upset and suddenly started crying. I kept thinking how can he be out partying and having a ball when with all the damage he has done to me and the kids, he really doesn't care at all. I have calmed myself down but I am annoyed that I let that information upset me, what do I expect he's an alcoholic, he drinks to forget his problems, he thinks it makes him feel better. He doesn't care! Focus on you!!
I have had 2 very good days and was feeling very positive then today I have been feeling very low. I decided to write a letter to him, not post it, but so I could get everything out and say goodbye to him, it was more for my own benefit, acknowledging that I had to move on and for me this was a good idea to help me, maybe it wasn't but I had to try something. After I wrote the letter I was exhausted as although it started very calm, I loved him but I couldn't hold on anymore, how his actions showed me what he couldn't tell me etc by the end I was so angry I just let all my anger out and it felt good but exhausting!!
This is going to keep happening I am going to hear about what he's up to and I don't want to keep being triggered and becoming upset, what he does is not my problem, how I respond is.
What did others do when they became triggered by their ex and their lifestyle?
Thank you
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I just kept reminding myself of what mattered most, what I really wanted, and that I had it (which was a home and my kids).
Today my life, in the blink of an eye is four years down the line. I have spent four years putting in the relentlessly long days parenting and taking care of my home and I have a home and children that love me, count on me, admire me, and turn to me for guidance. We share a life.
My ex spent a year drinking, two years in some pretty intense recovery, and now lives a sober, and very different, life from mine. Easier in many ways but he has none of what I mentioned above. I would not trade him for all the money in the world.
Today my life, in the blink of an eye is four years down the line. I have spent four years putting in the relentlessly long days parenting and taking care of my home and I have a home and children that love me, count on me, admire me, and turn to me for guidance. We share a life.
My ex spent a year drinking, two years in some pretty intense recovery, and now lives a sober, and very different, life from mine. Easier in many ways but he has none of what I mentioned above. I would not trade him for all the money in the world.
Baby Steps
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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I couldn't agree more it's exhausting working full time and looking after my kids and the house but I wouldn't want it any other way. Even though my kids are older and have their own lives they know I am here. I wouldn't trade my life for his. Thank you I will remember that when I am triggered!!
Baby Steps
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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Cazza I am so sorry for your situation and your dgs being in care, I can't even begin to understand how difficult that is for you!! It doesn't sound as though your dd is doing anything to have him returned home to her, if she is still actively drinking!!
Unfortunately they don't and I am realising that I can't force him to face up to it. I've had a good few days but they are then followed by some not great days, I am back to no contact AGAIN, I've tried this so many times but never seem to last very long but I am more determined this time, I have to for my own sanity or I think I will lose my mind. I have always been the type of person where I needed to hear the I love you, I don't want to lose you and I couldn't look at actions. I am beginning to realise that, that was because his actions didn't match his words and I didn't want to see that so I focused on his words. That has nearly destroyed me the last almost 6 months. I have to keep reminding myself actions not words!! Words are meaningless and easy!! So when he says to me there are times I want to be at home and times I want to drink the place dry, I now need to say to myself ok what is he doing during those times when he says he wants to be at home, is he making an emergency appointment with the Dr, going to an AA meeting, anything and the answer is no, he is doing nothing so he obviously doesn't want to be at home with me and our kids that much!!
The last few days I have had a few a ha moments and although I don't want to give up on my husband, I have to so I can move on. I have found it so difficult to keep the focus on me and that is because I was so caught up on my codie behaviour, focusing on him. If I am to get through this my focus needs to be me and my children. My new mantra is actions not words!!
Do you have a lot of contact with your dd, is she doing anything that matches her comments of have hope and everything will be ok??
Unfortunately they don't and I am realising that I can't force him to face up to it. I've had a good few days but they are then followed by some not great days, I am back to no contact AGAIN, I've tried this so many times but never seem to last very long but I am more determined this time, I have to for my own sanity or I think I will lose my mind. I have always been the type of person where I needed to hear the I love you, I don't want to lose you and I couldn't look at actions. I am beginning to realise that, that was because his actions didn't match his words and I didn't want to see that so I focused on his words. That has nearly destroyed me the last almost 6 months. I have to keep reminding myself actions not words!! Words are meaningless and easy!! So when he says to me there are times I want to be at home and times I want to drink the place dry, I now need to say to myself ok what is he doing during those times when he says he wants to be at home, is he making an emergency appointment with the Dr, going to an AA meeting, anything and the answer is no, he is doing nothing so he obviously doesn't want to be at home with me and our kids that much!!
The last few days I have had a few a ha moments and although I don't want to give up on my husband, I have to so I can move on. I have found it so difficult to keep the focus on me and that is because I was so caught up on my codie behaviour, focusing on him. If I am to get through this my focus needs to be me and my children. My new mantra is actions not words!!
Do you have a lot of contact with your dd, is she doing anything that matches her comments of have hope and everything will be ok??
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 175
When I still lived with my AH, I had developed the bad habit of playing the martyr/victim. Every drunk action of his was just cause for me to act like it was the apocalypse. After we separated, it took some time to get out of that habit, and develop new ones (like detaching, positive self-talk, etc) to use instead.
Whenever you are triggered, it's okay to acknowledge that you feel sad, hurt, lonely or angry. Take a moment to feel it, then move forward and use new coping skills. It's part of grief and I promise it gets easier.
Whenever you are triggered, it's okay to acknowledge that you feel sad, hurt, lonely or angry. Take a moment to feel it, then move forward and use new coping skills. It's part of grief and I promise it gets easier.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
All I can tell you Butterfly is that it won't last. My ex was doing the same...I didn't care, actually felt sorry for his new GF, though she was smarter than me and dumped him once he started being, you know, him.
In just a few years he's unemployed and lost all his friends, no parties, just a broken down shell of a man. They are sick. The high life doesn't last.
You are doing great.
In just a few years he's unemployed and lost all his friends, no parties, just a broken down shell of a man. They are sick. The high life doesn't last.
You are doing great.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
I am realising that I can't force him to face up to it... I have always been the type of person where I needed to hear the I love you, I don't want to lose you and I couldn't look at actions. I am beginning to realise that, that was because his actions didn't match his words and I didn't want to see that so I focused on his words.... So when he says to me there are times I want to be at home and times I want to drink the place dry, I now need to say to myself ok what is he doing during those times when he says he wants to be at home, is he making an emergency appointment with the Dr, going to an AA meeting, anything and the answer is no, he is doing nothing so he obviously doesn't want to be at home with me and our kids that much!!
Butterfly, I think you are sorting out very important issues here. What he does matters, what he says does not.
What, to me, goes along with that is in order to be free to live our lives as we want and need to, we cannot spend our time "on hold" waiting and watching for the signs that our alcoholic partner is changing the way we need him to.
We have to do what we have to do. It is up to him to watch us, see us moving forward, and decide to catch up. Or not.
That way, we are in charge of our own destiny, and he is in charge of his own choices.
ShootingStar1
Butterfly, I think you are sorting out very important issues here. What he does matters, what he says does not.
What, to me, goes along with that is in order to be free to live our lives as we want and need to, we cannot spend our time "on hold" waiting and watching for the signs that our alcoholic partner is changing the way we need him to.
We have to do what we have to do. It is up to him to watch us, see us moving forward, and decide to catch up. Or not.
That way, we are in charge of our own destiny, and he is in charge of his own choices.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Riverwood
Posts: 124
When all else fails, either study him like a bug or (in case of emergency), get a silly jingle stuck in your head.
The theme for "Green Acres" usually does it for me.
(((You're actually doing great, and experiencing growing pains.)))
The theme for "Green Acres" usually does it for me.
(((You're actually doing great, and experiencing growing pains.)))
Baby Steps
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
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Thank you everyone I have been so focused on him throughout our marriage and since he left that it is hard to focus on me and I need to learn how to do this. It is definitely easier when I don't know what he is doing and I have again told my friend not to tell me anything, I just wish they would listen!! However when I do hear I will practise what you have said.
I suppose previously I would have fallen apart and stayed that way for hours but last night it wasn't and I felt ok after well not as bad as I would have been. It is hurtful though as he always told me he was too anxious to go out and didn't enjoy being out and when he did go out that was why he drank so much as he felt sick with nerves, yet he is now going out more at the weekends, he really is going back to his life when he first met me. That hurts and I guess it is ok to feel hurt but it's not ok to dwell on it and think about what he is doing, it's his life, his choices, let him get on with it! Shootingstar you are right let him watch me moving on and if he wants to catch up then that's up to him. However I will not wait about for him anymore!!
I have been trying to keep busy today as I heard more information about him this morning and I really want to contact him and give off about his behaviour but that will only upset me and bring my focus back onto him.
My dd, 20 was so angry she contacted him and he has lied to her again!! One of her friends saw him at the nightclub which is for youngsters, is known for it's drugs and open until 6am. She is so embarrassed!!
Cazza, my separated ah would do the same, not drink at a social event and feel so good about himself but the next one he would drink more! It never lasted and every time any hope I had of him controlling his drinking or giving up deteriorated little by little.
Have you thought about removing her from FB, I know that would be very difficult but then you won't know what she is doing and you won't be hurt time and time again.
I know you want to support your daughter but it doesn't seem that she is doing anything to help herself, she is an adult and is able to protect herself and make her own choices and decisions, they may not be healthy but your dgs cannot he is too young and needs the protection of the adults in his life. If his mother can't protect him you can.
I know it's hard to tell SS about what your daughter is doing and she will be angry with you as she feels you should be on her side but you need to be on the side of your dgs. I don't know if you want to care for him but if you do you will need to show SS that you can prioritise him over your daughter. You are not responsible for her calling to your home but you are responsible for how you respond, ie letting her come in etc. if your dgs was living with you you couldn't let her into the house and you would have to agree with SS plan for him with regards to contact arrangements etc which would mean not letting her visit when she wants and telling SS when she does show up at your home if she is under the influence or if you had care of your dgs telling them when she doesn't turn up for contact.
If you do want to care for your dgs have you spoken to a solicitor?
Your in a very difficult situation Cazza, I wish you peace and clarity big hugs
I suppose previously I would have fallen apart and stayed that way for hours but last night it wasn't and I felt ok after well not as bad as I would have been. It is hurtful though as he always told me he was too anxious to go out and didn't enjoy being out and when he did go out that was why he drank so much as he felt sick with nerves, yet he is now going out more at the weekends, he really is going back to his life when he first met me. That hurts and I guess it is ok to feel hurt but it's not ok to dwell on it and think about what he is doing, it's his life, his choices, let him get on with it! Shootingstar you are right let him watch me moving on and if he wants to catch up then that's up to him. However I will not wait about for him anymore!!
I have been trying to keep busy today as I heard more information about him this morning and I really want to contact him and give off about his behaviour but that will only upset me and bring my focus back onto him.
My dd, 20 was so angry she contacted him and he has lied to her again!! One of her friends saw him at the nightclub which is for youngsters, is known for it's drugs and open until 6am. She is so embarrassed!!
Cazza, my separated ah would do the same, not drink at a social event and feel so good about himself but the next one he would drink more! It never lasted and every time any hope I had of him controlling his drinking or giving up deteriorated little by little.
Have you thought about removing her from FB, I know that would be very difficult but then you won't know what she is doing and you won't be hurt time and time again.
I know you want to support your daughter but it doesn't seem that she is doing anything to help herself, she is an adult and is able to protect herself and make her own choices and decisions, they may not be healthy but your dgs cannot he is too young and needs the protection of the adults in his life. If his mother can't protect him you can.
I know it's hard to tell SS about what your daughter is doing and she will be angry with you as she feels you should be on her side but you need to be on the side of your dgs. I don't know if you want to care for him but if you do you will need to show SS that you can prioritise him over your daughter. You are not responsible for her calling to your home but you are responsible for how you respond, ie letting her come in etc. if your dgs was living with you you couldn't let her into the house and you would have to agree with SS plan for him with regards to contact arrangements etc which would mean not letting her visit when she wants and telling SS when she does show up at your home if she is under the influence or if you had care of your dgs telling them when she doesn't turn up for contact.
If you do want to care for your dgs have you spoken to a solicitor?
Your in a very difficult situation Cazza, I wish you peace and clarity big hugs
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
Originally Posted by Butterfly 
This is going to keep happening I am going to hear about what he's up to and I don't want to keep being triggered and becoming upset, what he does is not my problem, how I respond is.
What did others do when they became triggered by their ex and their lifestyle?
Thank you
Recently my ex sent me an email asking me if I could take care of our daughter while he and his wife are on business trips. "I'm flying out to Houston, and L**** will be in Oklahoma, " he told me. And I was hugely, irrationally triggered.
I find seeing his domestic life to be agonizing. I know we would never have had a good marriage, and theirs is nothing to envy. But it still hurts. And my ex, in a misguided attempt to be nice to me, has lately gotten to be all chatty. Argh. I'm cold and distant because that's how I want him to treat me. No such luck.
Anyway, what I did was mentally replace "Houston" with "the South Pole" and "Oklahoma" with "Mars." I know exactly how childish this is, but it worked. I giggled for awhile and felt a lot better.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: The Bright Side of the Moon
Posts: 528
Hi Butterfly.
That type of triggering was difficult for me to navigate at first. What worked for me was to limit contact with all of the people who seemed to enjoy telling me stuff. Some of them were even pretty supportive of me, but I sense that some people just like to poke me to see how I react.
For me, the advice of "not letting him ruin my fun" or "take the wind out of my sails" doesn't work. I need to STAY AWAY from anything and everything that hurts at all costs. I moved to the opposite end of town, I blocked him on Facebook. I skipped a wedding we were both invited to.II'd rather miss out than deal with the anxiety of having contact with him. I've been making new friends who don't know him. It's tough when family members tell me stuff, but I keep reminding them not to.
It's way too easy for me to be resentful that he chose to go out and party and get laid over being a family man while I am essentially raising our son alone, on little money, working part time, trying to keep up with the apartment and trying to recover from all of MY diseases. It also makes so sad not only that X is missing out on the wonder of our son growing up, but I don't get to share it with him. I know there is no one who could possibly feel as pleased with our little guy as we could. I loved sharing that with X when we were together. It's just not the same when I share or son with family and friends. Still, I GET THE BABY. He can yank the rug out from under my false stability and dreams, but he will never yank that baby away from me. As the pain of the betrayal lessens, the joy I feel from my son increases.
I miss my dream, but I'll build a new one that doesn't depend on an unavailable person.
P.S. You know how not-reacting to your AH makes him stop provoking you? I'll bet it's the same with the friends and family who divulge. Depending on how unhealthy they are, they will probably stop if they don't get a dramatic reaction from you. Truly respectful friends and family don't need several reminders to stop. You're still feeling out who are your true support people. For me, it was sometimes surprising who I could our could not count on.
That type of triggering was difficult for me to navigate at first. What worked for me was to limit contact with all of the people who seemed to enjoy telling me stuff. Some of them were even pretty supportive of me, but I sense that some people just like to poke me to see how I react.
For me, the advice of "not letting him ruin my fun" or "take the wind out of my sails" doesn't work. I need to STAY AWAY from anything and everything that hurts at all costs. I moved to the opposite end of town, I blocked him on Facebook. I skipped a wedding we were both invited to.II'd rather miss out than deal with the anxiety of having contact with him. I've been making new friends who don't know him. It's tough when family members tell me stuff, but I keep reminding them not to.
It's way too easy for me to be resentful that he chose to go out and party and get laid over being a family man while I am essentially raising our son alone, on little money, working part time, trying to keep up with the apartment and trying to recover from all of MY diseases. It also makes so sad not only that X is missing out on the wonder of our son growing up, but I don't get to share it with him. I know there is no one who could possibly feel as pleased with our little guy as we could. I loved sharing that with X when we were together. It's just not the same when I share or son with family and friends. Still, I GET THE BABY. He can yank the rug out from under my false stability and dreams, but he will never yank that baby away from me. As the pain of the betrayal lessens, the joy I feel from my son increases.
I miss my dream, but I'll build a new one that doesn't depend on an unavailable person.
P.S. You know how not-reacting to your AH makes him stop provoking you? I'll bet it's the same with the friends and family who divulge. Depending on how unhealthy they are, they will probably stop if they don't get a dramatic reaction from you. Truly respectful friends and family don't need several reminders to stop. You're still feeling out who are your true support people. For me, it was sometimes surprising who I could our could not count on.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: The Bright Side of the Moon
Posts: 528
I realize that I may sound like I fought with my X over our son like he is some material prize. That's not really what I meant. What I really mean is that, no matter how painful this has been, I sure am glad that I'm the codie and not the unsafe A. I will always choose my job and rewards as a mother anything. "There but for the grace of God go I." That is a more compassionate way to put it. 
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