Neumena

Hi again all,

Thanks for all the helpful advice in my last thread about my A girlfriend...Thought I'd provide an update.

In the couple weeks since "the big talk," she's been better overall. As far as I could tell, she wasn't drinking most days. There were no signs of her hiding booze or huffing paint again. We went to 3 family functions since then (what with the holiday weekend). Unfortunately she drank at all three, though only got drunk at one...frustrating, but I suppose progress must begin somewhere.

We saw a couples counselor who also focuses on addiction the other night. I thought the session went extraordinarily. She seemed to fully accept her problem, take responsibility for it and express a sincere desire to change & quit drinking completely. Walking out of there I felt more positive about our relationship than I have in months.

However, in discussing the session with her it was obvious she had a different experience. Much of what she said then was said because it's what I wanted to hear. She said she felt ganged up on and upset because we only talked about "her issue." Well, when a couple walks into a counselor's office both claiming the ONE BIG issue is one person's drinking, OF COURSE the focus of the first session will be on that person's problem. I'm more than happy to discuss any other issues we have in counseling, but this is THE issue. She said he didn't say anything she didn't already know...well, if you already KNOW all of this, then why has the drinking continued?

This connects to another general issue we have. Her expressed opinions on matters seem to fluctuate constantly. In the context of therapy, she accepts responsibility and wants to change. Outside of that, she's still making excuses. There's many other examples...something I do will bother her, then she'll say it's not a big deal and fine, then it will bother her again, then it's fine again, repeat ad nauseam. I'm never really sure where she stands on many issues or what version of her I'll be getting at any given moment. I'm wondering if this is common behavior for alcoholics or perhaps a separate issue?

Then, last night, I found an empty Wendy's cup in her car that smelled of Vodka...so the hiding of booze is back (if indeed it ever left). Grrr...

Anyway, we'll be seeing the same counselor again...a mix of her going by herself and us going together. Also, I've been looking into Al-Anon groups but just haven't had time to make it to one yet.

Guess things are kind of in a holding pattern now...just thought i'd share an update. Of course any advice is appreciated.

Thanks!

FireSprite

It IS frustrating, it sounds like she's just not ready to take the blinders all the way off just yet. But you are.... so keep working on you, keep thinking about al-anon & any other recovery tools or methods that appeal to you. Learn more about this disease & keep working on understanding, creating & maintaining your own boundaries.

SHE has to decide to get better for herself, hopefully your counselor can help her sort that out. Hang in there!

ladyscribbler

How would you have felt in her shoes? What if she and the counselor had spent the whole time focused on the "one big issue" of your codependency?
There are two sides to this coin. When I was in an alcoholic relationship, I also zoomed in on my ex's drinking as THE PROBLEM in our entire relationship. I conveniently ignored all of my own issues, which were the reason I was in an alcoholic relationship desperately trying to fix another person in the first place.
At this point couple's counseling is like polishing a turd. Time consuming and pointless. If you really want this relationship to get better, head to some Alanon meetings.

honeypig

I'd agree w/ladyscribbler. I've seen it said here that couples counseling is a waste of time and money if the A is still drinking, and I'd certainly believe that. How on earth could a person hope to have a healthy relationship w/an unhealthy person? And an active A is most definitely an unhealthy person.

Working on your own issues will help you, no matter what she does or doesn't do. And when it comes right down to it, you are the only person whose actions you have any control over. Get back on your own side of the street and take care of your own problems. I know that probably makes no sense to you right now, just as it didn't make sense to me in the beginning, but it will in time.

Alanon. Don't just think about it, do it. There's an AA saying about how you can act into right thinking but you can't think into right acting. I've found it to be true.

Butterfly

It is frustrating when they tell you one thing then something completely different, my separated ah did it all the time. He freely admits to having a drinking problem, says he wants to drink the place dry at times and other times he wants to be at home but what is he doing about it ......nothing he will not seek help. Prior to him leaving he promised many times he would quit, seek help how he was more determined than ever as he didn't want to lose me but within a week or so he was back saying he didn't need help he could control his drinking and the cycle would start again sometimes worse than before sometimes not! He could never follow through because the thought of giving up alcohol scared him more than being without me. For years I spent my life focusing on him and helping him, I still do, I was and am co dependent. I am slowly learning that I can't force change in him, no matter what I say or do or what our kids say he has to want this for himself. As does your girlfriend. No amount of couples counselling will enact change if she continues to drink and what benefit is it when she says one thing in counselling and another away from it. She is not ready to stop drinking!

I don't think your gf can't see the damage she is causing and it's not that she doesn't care but the control her addiction has over her is so powerful, more powerful than anything else.

I agree with honeypig and Ladyscribbler, focus on you and what you need and want, not your gf. I know it's hard and you love her and want to help her but I am sorry to say there is nothing you can do that will help right now, not until she chooses to get help for herself. I have been told many times you can't love someone out of addiction, if only right!!

Focus on you, go to counselling for you, read all you can about addiction, boundaries and co dependency. There is a a thread or a sticky, not sure which about the alcoholic voice, it's very useful to get an understanding into how alcohol controls a person, there is also a thread about a letter from an alcoholic if you can find these, read them again very insightful!!