Just lost...
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Right here, right now
Posts: 10
Just lost...
I just need to vent for a moment…
I love my AH. Without him, I wouldn't have my kids, would not have been able to do some of the things I have loved in the past, would not have had a great few years when we first were married.
But right now, I hate him, too. Five or so years ago, he was a "raging alcoholic" (his words), and that continued for a while - until two years ago, when he had a DWI with a .3 BAC. He was sober for a while after that (because the court forced him to be), but it didn't stick. I decided to leave him. Because of this, he got sober again, for a few months, but he was what I can only assume is the definition of "dry drunk" (I opted to stay with him). He was miserable to live with. He started drinking again, of course. A bit back, family staged an intervention for him and he refused to go to treatment (he does go to SMART meetings and Moderation Mgmt, but not AA, he doesn't really want to quit right now, just "control it"). I told after that he needed to move out and/or grant a divorce, but he refused both, because he doesn't see "how we can make things better in our marriage if he's not here".
I should add that over this time, he decided that I had communication problems, I had caused problems in our marriage and that was perhaps why he drank, and that I was having an "emotional affair".
Now, I'm trying to leave again, or at least get him to understand why I am so unhappy in this relationship right now. But every time I bring up what I think is a legitimate concern, he jumps all over me, attacking my thinking, saying I'm letting others do my thinking for me, that I don't realize all the things I've done wrong in this marriage. I'm by no means perfect and I'm not proud of everything I've done/said over the last year and a half as our relationship has deteriorated, but I don't think I'm the entire reason for why things suck right now…
After he gets done telling me all the ways I'm wrong about everything, and how I have so many problems, he follows it up with "But I love you and I want to make our marriage work. You're the one that wants to quit." I don't know how to deal with this anymore; I feel trapped in a hopeless situation. I know I shouldn't let him have so much control over my emotions, but I don't know what to do/say. I'm already seeing a therapist and going to AA. All of my other sources of support (friends & family) are sick of listening to me; most of them won't talk to me anymore and say I shoo;d just "do something already". I'm trying! I just don't know WHAT to do, at this point!
Okay, rant over. Thanks if you read this far! Any thoughts appreciated, but I feel better just getting this out.
I love my AH. Without him, I wouldn't have my kids, would not have been able to do some of the things I have loved in the past, would not have had a great few years when we first were married.
But right now, I hate him, too. Five or so years ago, he was a "raging alcoholic" (his words), and that continued for a while - until two years ago, when he had a DWI with a .3 BAC. He was sober for a while after that (because the court forced him to be), but it didn't stick. I decided to leave him. Because of this, he got sober again, for a few months, but he was what I can only assume is the definition of "dry drunk" (I opted to stay with him). He was miserable to live with. He started drinking again, of course. A bit back, family staged an intervention for him and he refused to go to treatment (he does go to SMART meetings and Moderation Mgmt, but not AA, he doesn't really want to quit right now, just "control it"). I told after that he needed to move out and/or grant a divorce, but he refused both, because he doesn't see "how we can make things better in our marriage if he's not here".
I should add that over this time, he decided that I had communication problems, I had caused problems in our marriage and that was perhaps why he drank, and that I was having an "emotional affair".
Now, I'm trying to leave again, or at least get him to understand why I am so unhappy in this relationship right now. But every time I bring up what I think is a legitimate concern, he jumps all over me, attacking my thinking, saying I'm letting others do my thinking for me, that I don't realize all the things I've done wrong in this marriage. I'm by no means perfect and I'm not proud of everything I've done/said over the last year and a half as our relationship has deteriorated, but I don't think I'm the entire reason for why things suck right now…
After he gets done telling me all the ways I'm wrong about everything, and how I have so many problems, he follows it up with "But I love you and I want to make our marriage work. You're the one that wants to quit." I don't know how to deal with this anymore; I feel trapped in a hopeless situation. I know I shouldn't let him have so much control over my emotions, but I don't know what to do/say. I'm already seeing a therapist and going to AA. All of my other sources of support (friends & family) are sick of listening to me; most of them won't talk to me anymore and say I shoo;d just "do something already". I'm trying! I just don't know WHAT to do, at this point!
Okay, rant over. Thanks if you read this far! Any thoughts appreciated, but I feel better just getting this out.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 224
Sea- what is it that you want that is realistic in this situation? I am sure that, in a perfect world, you would want your AH to be sober and emotionally healthy. He has to want to make that happen and it sounds like he is not there...at least not now. I am working very hard on my own boundaries. It sounds like some real boundaries should be set here as well.
You stated, "Now, I'm trying to leave again, or at least get him to understand why I am so unhappy in this relationship right now"- these sound like two different things. It might help to clarify for yourself what you really want in the place that you are in. I understand it can be really hard to see through the all the emotional rollercoasters to a place of emotional peace. HUGS!!!
You stated, "Now, I'm trying to leave again, or at least get him to understand why I am so unhappy in this relationship right now"- these sound like two different things. It might help to clarify for yourself what you really want in the place that you are in. I understand it can be really hard to see through the all the emotional rollercoasters to a place of emotional peace. HUGS!!!
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 256
Your situation reminds me so much of what I have recently gone through. I used to drive my close friends and family nuts with all my ranting. Then I found SR and people who can relate to what I was going through. Remember you are not alone here.
My AH is such a good manipulator, especially when I tried to talk to him about things he didn't want to discuss. I felt trapped too. I wanted things to change but didn't know how to do it. Felt like I was running in circles...
I learned that by practicing detachment and just focusing on me and the kids helped. It made things clearer as to what I needed to do for us (the kids and I.)
Have you tried to go to an al-anon meeting? It may help.
My AH is such a good manipulator, especially when I tried to talk to him about things he didn't want to discuss. I felt trapped too. I wanted things to change but didn't know how to do it. Felt like I was running in circles...
I learned that by practicing detachment and just focusing on me and the kids helped. It made things clearer as to what I needed to do for us (the kids and I.)
Have you tried to go to an al-anon meeting? It may help.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Sea of Confusion, welcome to SR. I hope you find the help you're looking for here.
It sounds to me like you're looking for your A to give you permission to leave/divorce. You don't need his understanding, his blessing or his agreement to get out of the relationship. If it's intolerable to you, that is enough reason to end it. I'm not saying you should or shouldn't go--only you know that--but just that you have it in your power to get out, regardless of what he thinks about that.
I'd recommend reading here as much as you can, being sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. Educating yourself about alcoholism will help you understand what you can and can't do about it and what you can expect from an active A.
I see you mention you're going to AA--can you clarify? Are you an A also? Alanon is where you would go for help in dealing w/a family member or friend who is an A. I'm just not quite clear on the situation, based on this.
It sounds to me like you're looking for your A to give you permission to leave/divorce. You don't need his understanding, his blessing or his agreement to get out of the relationship. If it's intolerable to you, that is enough reason to end it. I'm not saying you should or shouldn't go--only you know that--but just that you have it in your power to get out, regardless of what he thinks about that.
I'd recommend reading here as much as you can, being sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. Educating yourself about alcoholism will help you understand what you can and can't do about it and what you can expect from an active A.
I see you mention you're going to AA--can you clarify? Are you an A also? Alanon is where you would go for help in dealing w/a family member or friend who is an A. I'm just not quite clear on the situation, based on this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Right here, right now
Posts: 10
Sorry, I think my sleep-deprived brain is just malfunctioning, honey pig. I am going to AlAnon.
And I definitely appreciate what all of you have said. I think you're right - permission is exactly what I've been seeking. He gets *so* angry and nasty when I bring up divorce or even separation, it scares me half to death (when it isn't crushing my emotions) and I keep thinking he'll just see it on his own…that he can't simultaneously hate me that much / think I'm that bad a person, and yet say he loves me and can't live without me. It does, indeed, feel like I'm running in circles. Hence - the reason I feel so lost, I guess.
And I definitely appreciate what all of you have said. I think you're right - permission is exactly what I've been seeking. He gets *so* angry and nasty when I bring up divorce or even separation, it scares me half to death (when it isn't crushing my emotions) and I keep thinking he'll just see it on his own…that he can't simultaneously hate me that much / think I'm that bad a person, and yet say he loves me and can't live without me. It does, indeed, feel like I'm running in circles. Hence - the reason I feel so lost, I guess.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
SeaofConfusion, there was a thread here a while ago about how so many of us expect the people who've hurt us to also be the ones to heal us. We look for their blessing, their help, their permission, their understanding, before we can change our lives.
Have you heard the phrase"going to the hardware store for bread" here yet? It's an Alanon thing, referring to how we ask again and again for something that our A's simply don't even have to give. I've done it, over the course of many years, and it works about as well as you'd expect it to.
What has worked for me is getting on my side of the street and working on myself, even though that made zero sense to me at first. So much became clearer once I began to get my own issues out of the way. It's an ongoing effort, no doubt--there's no "I have arrived!" point--but it's so very rewarding.
You've made a good start by coming to SR. Hope you keep coming back.
Have you heard the phrase"going to the hardware store for bread" here yet? It's an Alanon thing, referring to how we ask again and again for something that our A's simply don't even have to give. I've done it, over the course of many years, and it works about as well as you'd expect it to.
What has worked for me is getting on my side of the street and working on myself, even though that made zero sense to me at first. So much became clearer once I began to get my own issues out of the way. It's an ongoing effort, no doubt--there's no "I have arrived!" point--but it's so very rewarding.
You've made a good start by coming to SR. Hope you keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 85
Thank you for sharing. There are so many common issues for me as well.
Communication issues, DUIs, SMART, your fault etc.
I tried and fought and wanted it so badly...But in the end, only space and time are working for me. The lawyers deal with the divorce and I only exchange on scheduling kids visits.
Really sad. It took me a long time to learn - he doesn't trust me, hasn't for a long time and probably never will. He thinks things about me that are absolutely not true and hurtful. And defending myself constantly just made things decline for me.
Songs sometimes help me:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUhaA3oG7IY
Communication issues, DUIs, SMART, your fault etc.
I tried and fought and wanted it so badly...But in the end, only space and time are working for me. The lawyers deal with the divorce and I only exchange on scheduling kids visits.
Really sad. It took me a long time to learn - he doesn't trust me, hasn't for a long time and probably never will. He thinks things about me that are absolutely not true and hurtful. And defending myself constantly just made things decline for me.
Songs sometimes help me:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUhaA3oG7IY
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
A warm welcome to you Sea. Glad you are here and that you have found SR for support!
I hear a lot about what HE wants and says in your post. YOUR wants are legitimate. Put that focus back on you and what you want out of the rest of your life, that's a long time.
He sounds a lot like my X, unable in his own head to accept responsibility for HIS wrongs. He is just looking for a scapegoat to blame all problems on. This is actually a personality disorder and I am sure if you look at the other issues in his life you will see a lot of the same.
You don't need his permission to leave or seek a divorce. It sounds like you get very intimidated when he gets loud and nasty, understand that. However, just see it for what it is, detatch from it, and move forward with what you need out of life.
Tight Hugs. I am so sorry for what brings you here, but very glad you are here!
I hear a lot about what HE wants and says in your post. YOUR wants are legitimate. Put that focus back on you and what you want out of the rest of your life, that's a long time.
He sounds a lot like my X, unable in his own head to accept responsibility for HIS wrongs. He is just looking for a scapegoat to blame all problems on. This is actually a personality disorder and I am sure if you look at the other issues in his life you will see a lot of the same.
You don't need his permission to leave or seek a divorce. It sounds like you get very intimidated when he gets loud and nasty, understand that. However, just see it for what it is, detatch from it, and move forward with what you need out of life.
Tight Hugs. I am so sorry for what brings you here, but very glad you are here!
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