WendyOR

This morning I woke up, and felt.... I don't know how to put it into words. ALIVE? Hmmmm? Not sure if this is a good description or not?

He entered my thoughts, but not my first thoughts!

Still going to alanon when my schedule lets me get there. I have not found a sponsor. I am not sure I want one.

I have had about 5 really hard, back to back days of pure sorrow. I think that the work with my therapist, and all of my reading and studying, it picks off really old wounds, and new wounds as well. It stinks. It stinks when you are trying your hardest, and giving it your all.... and it purely hurts.

My therapist was talking to me the other day as we were grounding. I have had some really bad flashbacks lately, from my PTSD, so she starts each session with grounding, even if the flashbacks are not occurring at the time. She was asking me questions, and to my knowledge I was stumped again and again. She asked me to think of a time in which I felt safe as a child, and what it smelled like at that time. It was odd to me. She said smells can remain in our thoughts... etc.... which made sense because during a very stressful time of my life, there was a smell of gas, so each time I go to get gas, I have to really get myself in a safe place for that as to not trigger me. It sounds dumb, I know. I sat and thought about times when I felt safe and the smells around me, and... sadly, there were none. Not one memory of that. That set me for a tail spin.

We have been working a lot on silence. Just silence, sitting in silence and observing myself and my surroundings in silence and silence is often a time in which we connect with ourselves. I have been working a lot on that.

Last night when I went to bed, I was with my daughter. We slept in the tent trailer again, as we are trying to enjoy it as much as possible before it is too cold to do so. (Even though it is a school night.... ) I have been working on it with her as well, as my therapist was saying we need that in our childhood, silence, as it makes us less codependent as an adult. That it is good for them to just sit and think and not always have an activity to be doing. So I set the alarm and we were silent and worked on breathing in the good thoughts and exhaling stress of the day. Then we had a conversation of the silence.

I feel good today. I don't know what it is. I just feel good today. I feel somewhat together on the inside and not just the outside. Every once in awhile I get that thought.... be careful, this isn't going to last. Yet, I know I am going to have more bad days... more thoughts of sorrow and sadness... but right now I am just enjoying this feel good day.

dandylion

WendyOR.....a day will come when you forget to think about him for a whole day.....and you will remember that fact the next day. OMG...what a celebration that day will be...because you will know that the past is finally in your rear view mirror....for good.

dandylion

lillamy

Someone else posted about this feeling today -- I recognize it a lot. I spent a long time unable to really enjoy life or have trust in good things, always expecting the other shoe to drop. For me, it was just a matter of letting life happen and step by step learning that not all good things go away.

I can also tell you this: You've found something. Your post made me calm and serene, just through reading it. I like what you wrote about silence. One of my problems has been that silence means my brain starts awfulizing and creating what-if scenarios in my head. I think I need to practice what you say -- allowing the silence to just be.

Sure, there might be more bad days. But you know, that's the case for everyone. There might always be bad days. But like my grandma used to say -- if you don't cash out the bad stuff ahead of time, you might never get to...

WendyOR

Silence has always been hard for me. I never had silence as a child... EVER, as I lived with three siblings. There were always chores to be done... as my parents both worked and I was the care giver for my two younger siblings. So always noise. Not that it was bad noise. I always have the tv on, or music in the background. I always have noise. She said silence is so key. I am like you... and my head fills with what ifs and self doubts in silence. She said it is those times we need to take notice in what we do with those thoughts. We need to notice our body if it is tensing up. It is an odd exercise for sure if we are not accustomed to it. I am not used to it, so, she has me on small doses of it. No more than ten minutes at a time at first. Gradually building up. So, since it is my day off. I am trying to take ten minutes every other hour today.

Rosalba

I've been in and out of therapy for most of my adult life, and found it enormously helpful. I've found, though, that I used to go through periods of terrible grief and fear - as the stuff which had been buried for years came up to the surface, I felt it and could then let it go. It's very painful to live through, but it's part of the healing process.

There came a time when old memories no longer had the power to hurt - and, of course, in the here and now we can all replace negative thoughts with affirmations.

I've just found that although adulthood was just as painful as childhood, the feelings didn't last as long. Bad months became bad weeks, bad weeks became bad days, the bad days became fewer and further between - and these days I'd say I have a bad day perhaps three times in a year. It's taken a long time to get here, so be gentle with yourself. If you continue with therapy and Alanon, the good days will become the norm eventually.

(((HUGS)))