Who wants to be alone
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 16
Who wants to be alone
Loving someone who is a loner
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I am in love with a man whose father was an alcoholic and who himself stopped drinking 5 years ago. He is on meds and was in therapy.
We dated for 15 months. It was hard for me because I never knew when he would retreat and decide distance himself from me. He said he was afraid that he couldn't make me happy and that once I got to know him, I would start to hate him. He has been divorced twice, now alone for 5 years.
He is a wonderful and caring man. We shared so much and most of the time we both felt very comfortable together. I love him dearly, even with his fears. He finally told me two months ago that although he loves me and If he could ever marry or live with anyone again it would be me, But he likes being alone too much and therefore doesn't want to get married again. He said he feels honored that I love him. He knows I would like to live with him and perhaps get married and he said he didn't want to hurt me anymore.
He hasn't called me for over 1-1/2 months and I have tried to respect his need for being alone. I just don't understand how he can feel this way about me and our relationship and choose to be alone rather than with me. I know he still loves me and misses me. Can someone explain what is happening and suggest what I should do? Should I just wait and hope he will call me? I don't want to pressure him by calling too soon. I really hate giving up as my heart hurts.
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I am in love with a man whose father was an alcoholic and who himself stopped drinking 5 years ago. He is on meds and was in therapy.
We dated for 15 months. It was hard for me because I never knew when he would retreat and decide distance himself from me. He said he was afraid that he couldn't make me happy and that once I got to know him, I would start to hate him. He has been divorced twice, now alone for 5 years.
He is a wonderful and caring man. We shared so much and most of the time we both felt very comfortable together. I love him dearly, even with his fears. He finally told me two months ago that although he loves me and If he could ever marry or live with anyone again it would be me, But he likes being alone too much and therefore doesn't want to get married again. He said he feels honored that I love him. He knows I would like to live with him and perhaps get married and he said he didn't want to hurt me anymore.
He hasn't called me for over 1-1/2 months and I have tried to respect his need for being alone. I just don't understand how he can feel this way about me and our relationship and choose to be alone rather than with me. I know he still loves me and misses me. Can someone explain what is happening and suggest what I should do? Should I just wait and hope he will call me? I don't want to pressure him by calling too soon. I really hate giving up as my heart hurts.
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Welcome Lovebird,
I'm really sorry you're hurting. I've been through that kind of hurt and I've learned through the years that the person was always telling me the truth when something like that would happen. Your friends actions coincide with his words. There may be a time when he begins to desire a closer relationship, but you don't know if that will happen. You may need to move forward without him and go through the pain and the loss.
I had the nickname "die hard" like the battery. I always hung on for dear life and I wasted a lot of years of my life that I wish I could get back. I wish now that I had lived those days for what they were and filled them up with good things. Hard to do when you're in pain, but you can't get those days back.
I've learned now to let go of things that aren't really there and I've learned to take each day as it is and make the best of it. I am one of those people who enjoys solitude and I haven't been in a relationship for many years. Life has worn me out and it's just easier this way.
I think I would move on as if your friend is not coming back and if he does it will be a plus. You can work on fulfilling your dreams and goals in a different direction. This way you won't waste the precious day you have today.
The pain will ease.
Hugs,
MG
I'm really sorry you're hurting. I've been through that kind of hurt and I've learned through the years that the person was always telling me the truth when something like that would happen. Your friends actions coincide with his words. There may be a time when he begins to desire a closer relationship, but you don't know if that will happen. You may need to move forward without him and go through the pain and the loss.
I had the nickname "die hard" like the battery. I always hung on for dear life and I wasted a lot of years of my life that I wish I could get back. I wish now that I had lived those days for what they were and filled them up with good things. Hard to do when you're in pain, but you can't get those days back.
I've learned now to let go of things that aren't really there and I've learned to take each day as it is and make the best of it. I am one of those people who enjoys solitude and I haven't been in a relationship for many years. Life has worn me out and it's just easier this way.
I think I would move on as if your friend is not coming back and if he does it will be a plus. You can work on fulfilling your dreams and goals in a different direction. This way you won't waste the precious day you have today.
The pain will ease.
Hugs,
MG
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 16
Thank you so much for replying. I guess I already knew what you said but it is so hard to accept. I am trying to move on. It is so hard because I miss him so much. I guess life wore him out too. I know it will get easier as time goes on. Your encouragement helps.
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Hey Lovebird,
Welcome. One thing I really wanted for me was to learn to love without losing myself. Through this forum, counseling, and Al-Anon, I have learned how to let go of people and allow them to do what they need to do, without my life going to h#ll. Keep coming here, and you will begin healing your heart. Hugs, Magic
Welcome. One thing I really wanted for me was to learn to love without losing myself. Through this forum, counseling, and Al-Anon, I have learned how to let go of people and allow them to do what they need to do, without my life going to h#ll. Keep coming here, and you will begin healing your heart. Hugs, Magic
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 16
Thanks for the kind words. I have looked hard at my behavior and realize I put a lot of pressure on him to move in with me and get married, when I knew he was afraid he couldn't ever do this. I think it was too much for someone who is just trying to live life each day the best he can. I really respect him for getting to where he is. I have the feeling I should tell him I am sorry for all the pressure and not just taking what we had, which was very special, and enjoying it.
I do not want to lose him. He is not perfect but neither am I. We all make mistakes, and although I don't have an alcohol problem, I guess because my dad was so distant and unavailable, I just latch on to a guy too strongly and make him feel smothered. Why do we do the things we do to those we love? I guess we are just human.
I do not want to lose him. He is not perfect but neither am I. We all make mistakes, and although I don't have an alcohol problem, I guess because my dad was so distant and unavailable, I just latch on to a guy too strongly and make him feel smothered. Why do we do the things we do to those we love? I guess we are just human.
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