Struggling
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 10
Struggling
I have been having such a hard time the last few days. My husband is at an inpatient treatment center for depression (which is also helping him with substance issues) and tomorrow will be the end of his first month, with another month to go.
Before he went into treatment he had been suffering from a severe depression for a long time and had begun to down spiral pretty quickly this summer. I did everything I could to help. While I didn't realize it at the time, I was being sucked into a codependent down spiral as well. We have always had a strong marriage. While I have known for awhile that he struggled with substances it was not at a place where it was super disruptive. It was a crutch but not taking over his life completely (yet). As the daughter and sister of alcoholics I knew it would get there but it wasn't there yet. While in treatment he has become very committed to staying sober and I am very happy about that. Before treatment though, he told me that he was thinking about leaving our marriage. He said this out of nowhere and was in a very bad place at the time. I was hopeful that once he started getting help he would realize that he was making a bad decision. I still don't know where that line of thinking came from. When I think of divorce, I imagine being in a terrible living situation that is no longer tolerable. I don't think about our marriage, where there is love and support. I am in full support of his recovery and am working on myself as well. I just don't know how we got to a place where our marriage is on the chopping block. How did we end up here? How did our loving, supportive, caring marriage and friendship turn into something that is thought of as disposable?
I am just so heartbroken and sad. I can hardly look at photos of him right now without completely falling apart. I am angry with him for not holding our marriage in a sacred place. Why would he make the decisions he's making?
Before he went into treatment he had been suffering from a severe depression for a long time and had begun to down spiral pretty quickly this summer. I did everything I could to help. While I didn't realize it at the time, I was being sucked into a codependent down spiral as well. We have always had a strong marriage. While I have known for awhile that he struggled with substances it was not at a place where it was super disruptive. It was a crutch but not taking over his life completely (yet). As the daughter and sister of alcoholics I knew it would get there but it wasn't there yet. While in treatment he has become very committed to staying sober and I am very happy about that. Before treatment though, he told me that he was thinking about leaving our marriage. He said this out of nowhere and was in a very bad place at the time. I was hopeful that once he started getting help he would realize that he was making a bad decision. I still don't know where that line of thinking came from. When I think of divorce, I imagine being in a terrible living situation that is no longer tolerable. I don't think about our marriage, where there is love and support. I am in full support of his recovery and am working on myself as well. I just don't know how we got to a place where our marriage is on the chopping block. How did we end up here? How did our loving, supportive, caring marriage and friendship turn into something that is thought of as disposable?
I am just so heartbroken and sad. I can hardly look at photos of him right now without completely falling apart. I am angry with him for not holding our marriage in a sacred place. Why would he make the decisions he's making?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
He said that before treatment. Don't dwell on it, don't future-trip. Many things are said in depression that do not come to pass. He was searching for a way out of his pain.
With that said, anyone can leave a relationship at any time for any reason they see fit. It's fragile.
With that said, anyone can leave a relationship at any time for any reason they see fit. It's fragile.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Hi Denali, I am a little confused. IS HE making this decision? It sounds like he brought it up while severely depressed, before starting treatment. He still has another month of treatment to go.
Whatever is going on with him, these months apart are an opportunity for you as well. You have a very black and white idea of what Divorce looks like.. You also have invested a LOT of energy in a comment he made prior to starting treatment, while also relinquishing all of the power over your future to him. You admit to being codependent. It sounds to me like you have a lot more figuring out of YOURSELF to do rather than worrying about what's going on in HIS head. This is a good place to be. So is Al-Anon, and one on one counseling.
He is where he should be to get better. He is with people who can help him. What are you going to do to get help for YOU?
Whatever is going on with him, these months apart are an opportunity for you as well. You have a very black and white idea of what Divorce looks like.. You also have invested a LOT of energy in a comment he made prior to starting treatment, while also relinquishing all of the power over your future to him. You admit to being codependent. It sounds to me like you have a lot more figuring out of YOURSELF to do rather than worrying about what's going on in HIS head. This is a good place to be. So is Al-Anon, and one on one counseling.
He is where he should be to get better. He is with people who can help him. What are you going to do to get help for YOU?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 10
I was hanging on to the "he said it before treatment" part until I spoke with him a few days ago and he confirmed that he was still considering it as an option. He said that he as brought it up with his therapist a few times because it is on his mind but she just keeps instructing him to work on himself - which I totally get intellectually but it doesn't help me get out of this purgatory.
You are right, I am future tripping, I am just struggling to get my head out of it.
You are right, I am future tripping, I am just struggling to get my head out of it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 10
SparkleKitty, I am attending Al-Anon and CODA meetings as well as working with a therapist. I have been traveling, spending time with friends, reading, exercising, trying to keep my head up...and grieving. A lot of grieving.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
His therapist sounds pretty wise, telling him to work on himself before making big changes in an effort to fix stuff right now. Certainly leaving the marriage to isolate himself without having to worry about his marriage would seem easier. People always just want to get done with their problems as fast as possible, but it's true for him and it's true for you that time is essential to the process of healing. It sounds like you are doing everything you can and that you are exactly where you should be right now. Not a fun place, certainly, but the right place.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
