Butterfly

Separated AH collected the last of his belongings from the home today as he moves into his brand new apartment. We arranged for him to call when I was out. I thought I would be ok but when I came home it felt so empty and I broke down. I had hoped that he wouldn't go through with the mortgage application, that he'd have used the last 5 & 1/2 months to think things through but I guess he didn't and he's determined to continue down this path! Moving into a new home was our dream and our future that we planned together. It feels as though it is finally over and any hope I had is gone, and it hurts like hell that he would rather seek comfort from alcohol and friends who only think of themselves and do not care about him, than those who genuinely love and care about him.

Why do they surround themselves with so called friends who don't care about them and push those who love them away?? If this was my friend I would be telling them straight and I certainly wouldn't be inviting them to my home to drink or go away on a drinking holiday!! How is that a friend? These are the type of friends he surrounds himself with! Why can't he see that they only think of themselves??

It feels that his life is moving on without any consideration to the hurt and chaos he has left behind, he's bought a new apartment, planning a holiday with his so called friends and has no responsibilities, doing what he wants and as he said he wants to be selfish!! I guess he's that alright, yet I still can't be angry with him. He says he feels guilt, shame and intense depression every day but I am not sure if that's the truth or more manipulation so I will continue to feel sorry for him.

During my counselling session last night I realised that I am constantly coming up with reasons or maybe excuses for his addiction. He left because he didn't want to hurt me anymore with his drinking, he knew he wouldn't be able to cope with his dying uncle and as drink is how he copes he knew he would keep hurting me, he's depressed, he left because I am so anxious and can't let go of the past, that's why he binged drank as he never knew when he would be able to have another drink, he's using alcohol as an excuse and he just doesn't want to be with me! I don't know why I do this, maybe if I can apply a reason to it I can understand it because there is no logic to addiction.

I am a very black and white thinker and understanding something that has no logic is so difficult but if there is a reason it's easier to understand. Yet drink as a coping strategy is not a good way to cope, plenty of people have to deal with close family members dying and they don't walk out to drink more as a way to cope, I'm depressed but I don't seek comfort in alcohol, ok I can't let go of the past but that's because my past is very much my present and I was anxious because of his drinking! The fact is it's harder to seek sobriety and engage in counselling and he will not face his demons and I can't force him!! There really is no reason it just is!!

I also realised last night why I am sitting about waiting for him to make the decision about our marriage it's because he made all decisions when he was at home, my views weren't considered or listened to. Oh he pretended to at times but it was always his view or decision that was right and I went along with it!! I recalled a day he was here after he left and DD had been complaint about DS leaving dishes after he made food, she washes the dishes and he dries, anyway he came in and changed it without talking to me. I remember thinking who do you think you are coming into my home and making changes and decisions but I couldn't say anything to him. I realised that I gave into him, gave the kids looks when he was shouting so they wouldn't argue back as he would get angrier and so on. I am scared to make decisions, big decisions such as end my marriage even though part of me knows that even if he sought sobriety too much has happened in our marriage to go back, I don't trust him, I don't feel secure or loved by him.

So I need to figure out what I want and my counsellor gave me permission to take my time and that there is no time scale, as I become frustrated when things don't happen quick enough and I haven't a clue what I want!!

Sorry for the long post and rambling on but it has felt so good to get this all out.

hopeful4

I don't mean to be harsh, but it seems like he has made the decision for you. Unless you are going to suck up very boundary you have and just allow him to drink away, you don't have much choice unless I am missing something. That is certainly a choice, but could you live that way?

He collected his belongings, moved into his own place. He is surrounding himself with people who accept his drinking and will carry on with that lifestyle right along with him. They are not tied to him in the same way, that is how they do this.

I know you are sad. I know you are grieving your marriage. I know it hurts. I also know you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for. I know you are making strides to take care of YOU. Stop the focus on HIM and put the focus back on YOU, your life, your children.

Tight hugs my dear friend.

SparkleKitty

Butterfly it's time to start working towards accepting him as he is and not how you hope he will be.

I understand black and white thinking -- it was the hallmark of my codependency. It was amazing how much simpler dealing with the world and other people became when I learned to accept their shades of gray and complexity and stopped projecting my own beliefs and behaviors on them. Learning to accept is not an overnight process, though it is a long journey punctuated by spikes of "a-ha!" moments. Like all journeys you take it one step at a time. The good news is there is an army of SR Butterfly-supporters at your back.

lillamy

Him, him, him, him, him.
What about YOU?

You're angry at him for the way he chooses to deal with (or avoid dealing with) his feelings -- what are YOU doing to deal with yours? What are the traumas you're living with? What are the dreams you have for your life?

I know it was a shock when he walked out on you and moved on with his life. But he did. Can you apply your black and white thinking that way? He walked out. He's gone. I can spend my time and spend money on counseling trying to figure out what in his head/life/emotions/dysfunction made him do what he did -- or I can focus on what I want from now on.

I don't mean for that to sound harsh -- I know you're hurting -- but SparkleKitty makes a very good point: Maybe it's time to see him for what he is, not what you want him to be? I actually think you do understand why he did what he did -- it's not the understanding that's lacking, it's the acceptance that he made the choices he did.

I can relate. I've been there. I can't accept that the father of my children chose drinking over them. I can accept he chose it over me -- that's one thing -- but the kids? That's... that's just nuts.

But he did. And left me to handle the mayhem left behind. And I can cry about it (and I do) and I can be angry about it (I was), but the fact remains: He's gone; I'm it for the kids; all I can do is build a life for us.

(((hugs)))

AnvilheadII

ok, i'm just gonna say this and you probably won't like it....have you considered that this IS NOT about drinking but just that he wanted OUT? and that he is using the drinking thing as an excuse?

i'd suggest you reconsider who you are dealing with here....and just what might lie in store if YOU don't get proactive. i fear you are about to get financially left in the dust......he moved out, he kept you placated with this talk of figuring himself out blah blah blah and just bided his time til he could get HIMSELF a brand new apartment and get on with HIS new life and relieve himself of the duties and obligations and responsibilities of the life he formerly chose.

get an attorney.

Butterfly

Thank you everyone. Hopeful yes he's moved into his place but he says he doesn't want a divorce so I need to make a decision about what I want and I have no idea but I do know I do not want to go back to living on edge with an alcoholic, a life filled with uncertainty and anxiety!!

SK thank you you've made me cry, knowing I have so much support is overwhelming!!

Lillamy, maybe your right and I have accepted the way he is and I am angry about that. In counselling I am focusing on me and trying to understand who I am and what I want with my life. I guess it will just take time but I have been telling myself he left and that's it there's nothing I can do and the whys don't matter!

SparkleKitty

You do NOT have to make a decision about what you want right this second. Or tomorrow. Or next week. You only have to make it when you're ready. We say around here, "Don't just DO something, STAND there!"

hopeful4

He is pretty clearly showing he is living the life he likes, which causes you the uncertainty and anxiety you don't want in your life. Something has to give, and it's not likely to be him.

Tight, tight hugs. No decisions have to be made today. This is no marathon, it's your life!

Sungrl

I really must second seeking out an attorney. At least get educated on what you may be up against. You don't immediately have to file for divorce BUT
I too worry that he is really making the big break and I don't think he is going to play nice. Take care of and protect you, he is protecting his lifestyle you need to do the same, hard as it is.

Butterfly

Anvil....what do you mean? I have asked myself did he leave because he wanted to and just used alcohol as an excuse but I know it's not he left because he doesn't want to give up drinking.

He may be making the big break but I don't think he would turn nasty. The house is in my name and I have a good job, not wonderfully paid but enough.

Sparklekitty and hopeful thank you. I need to stop putting pressure on myself to figure everything out now and keep taking one day at a time.

Sungrl

I don't mean to make assumptions on his character. You say you don't think it could get nasty. Did you ever think he would move out on you so he could party like a rock star? Just hope for the best prepare for the worst.

I think that is how that goes. Hugs to you.

Santa

Butterfly: the reason he doesn't want a divorce is that getting the courts involved will infringe on his ability to spend up ALL of the marital assets and his income on his new lifestyle rather than on, say, spousal support for an ex-wife and children. If you don't have an attorney, you'd better get one quick.

Butterfly

He has no access to my assets, we haven't had a joint bank account in many years after he spent any money going into the account on alcohol and drugs so I now have my own account And I don't have any savings, the house is in my name so he has no entitlement to it and if he does then I also have entitlement to his new property, as we are still married. But when he left a few years ago I remortgaged the house and gave him equity from it. He does give me money every month for our DS.

Taking5

Since you are still married, this can all be undone in a minute at a Judge's whim. I hope you have run all these things by a good attorney.

Butterfly

Thanks sungrl. He has left many times so he could drink unrestricted, it was always a cause of anxiety wondering when or if he would leave again.

Sungrl

Well that is one last thing you have to stress over Butterfly. Please read Blossom's latest entry. She is finally seeing the light. This is not easy and hurts like hell. I have been there. I can do nothing but promise you in time you will be so much better off, you will be the one telling newbies this very same thing!

Butterfly

Thank you in really hope so

theuncertainty

If you haven't already, one thing to consider or research is how financial obligations are handled in your area. i.e.:

• Would you be liable for the debts he incurs (while still married) should he fail to pay them?
• Does living separately, with separate accounts, provide a layer of financial protection against his debts should he become delinquent on payments? Or would you be held jointly accountable?
• How does that picture change if you are legally separated or divorced?
• If you would be held liable for his debts, are you comfortable with that financial liability?

Not any thing to answer here, but looking at the financial liabilities involved is important, even if you have your own assets.

Sungrl

I promise. Also, read your little tag line , about not chasing people. That about sums it up. See, you knew that all along. Have a nice quiet evening.

meggem

Butterfly don't assume he won't do certain things. I can't tell you how many times I said oh no, he wouldn't do that. But guess what, he did. and he will.

You have to get in front of this. Please. you will regret it so much.