scarlet71

Hello again,
I am hoping for someone who has been or is in my shoes to give me some advice or insight. As the non drinking partner of a recovering alcoholic/addict, I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around things.
Before I begin, some history of my relationship. My partner and I went to high school together, first kiss, blah, blah, blah. We connected a few times over the years but never got together. We met up 2 1/2 years ago and have been together ever since. My partner was three months clean and sober when we met. He was in rehab, in which we started as friends and the relationship progressed.
Anyways, I posted a week ago about starting to feel lonely as he is beginning to get more involved with AA and CA. I am trying my best to cope with that, I have a my own interests and have a demanding job, so I enjoy the quiet of my home. I have been reading some literature from Al-Anon and AA's Big Book and I am starting to think that maybe that's why so many relationships with a recovering alcoholic ends. In one book I read about sexual intimacy, it stated that we, as wives, must let them do their thing. We should find our intimacy with our children or take up hobbies. We shouldn't get jealous, just let them be, find our own life and deal with it. At what cost to the relationship? You're basically leading separate lives. Has anyone been in this situation and how did they deal. Just about every article I have read talks about spouses leaving because their partner is not the same. I am very supportive of my partner's recovery as there is no us without it but why does it seem like the relationship has to suffer for it.

hopeful4

Good Morning. How long has he been out of rehab??? Forgive me if I have missed that.

It's very very common for the relationship to take the "back burner" if you will when they are recent out of rehab. And by recent I mean a year to a year and a half. For myself, I would say the first 8 months or so felt like I was living in the twilight zone. If he is truly working his recovery, he is finding himself and his footing in this new sober life, and it's tough. I think the moral behind telling you to "do your own thing," is basically saying he has to do his recovery on his own and you should not lose yourself in HIS recovery. Carry on, have a life.

Have you discussed your feelings with him? Is it possible to set up a "date night" for you. Every counselor I have ever been to has expressed how important that is for any relationship if you are to stay together.

Hugs. Sorry you are struggling.

whalebelow

If he has been told to do something like 90 meetings in 90 days or get to a meeting every night or some such, yes, my wife and I have been through that and she had exactly the same feelings.... Where the heck has my husband gone??

Its a tough one because no where in the book does it prescribe "meeting attendance" as the solution and personally I can vouch that it did not work well for me past around the 3 month mark.

I started to mentally unravel after that.

If you can, get him to read the book Alcoholics Anonymous and see if he is willing to find some book based meetings and get a sponsor to start step work.

Good luck.

lillamy

There's your problem right there, as my therapist would say.
No offense -- but he spent the time he should have spent on recovery work on building a friendship/relationship with you. That sapped energy from his recovery work and gave him YOU as an anchor point instead of building that inside himself.

Does that mean your relationship is doomed? My guess would be that largely depends on how much you are willing to put your life on hold while he's working on his recovery. When I left AXH and he got sober, I was given the advice to not even start discussing getting back together until he had been sober for at least 18 months. Not for my sake, but for his. Because recovery is a full-time job, and a recovering addict (I was told) has a bigger chance at success if they don't have the distractions of building or rebuilding a relationship.

I was never interested in getting back together with my ex, so it wasn't something I had to contemplate. You sound pretty irritated about the whole thing, and jealous. And I hate to be harsh but honestly? If he doesn't prioritize recovery at this point, you will most likely be stuck with an actively drinking alcoholic again.

He has to do what he has to do. You have to do what you have to do. There's no shame in saying "I don't have the patience for this, to be left alone and put on the back burner while he works his recovery out." You have a right to do that. But if you don't -- you're going to have to accept that he puts every ounce of his energy into finding the footing, tools, and support to stay sober.

We want to be that. We want to be enough for them to stay sober.
We're not.
If we were, not a single one of us would be here. And the people we love(d) would all be sober.

It sucks. But that's pretty much where it is.

atalose

In my own personal experience anything the addict puts ahead of their recovery they will eventually lose especially in early recovery. And early recovery is like the first 2 years or so.

The one thing you have to remember is often they drink/drug to avoid “feelings”. Then once those feelings are felt they need a lot of time to work through them, all of them and in healthy ways, again, that may take years.

Your objective is in building a loving relationship with him – his objective is in building a loving relationship with himself.

A relationship with a newly recovering addict is not going to be the fantasy – happily ever after you probably are looking for. I think a realization happens where you see that all that potential you had in them is not happening. Then you realize it may never happen and that is where you are left with a choice to stay or to go.

AnvilheadII

it doesn't sound like he's running scared and ONLY doing these things in stark terror of using again but because he quite ENJOYS the new activities and interests. and he's investing exactly as much time in his areas of interest as he chooses.

have you expressed any of this TO him yet? not to slam man or anything, but they aren't exactly mind readers and can be a bit obtuse about things outside of themselves.....

scarlet71

I have mentioned some things to him. I have to be very careful with how I address things with him. Sometimes he can talk and discuss, other times he wants to run, sometimes it goes in one ear and out the other. I really want him to focus on his recovery and I do realize that it comes first. It's just been difficult to adjust to because in the past he went to his CA meetings twice a week and his home group Saturdays, picked up people from detox and a transition house to go to meetings but that was it. It all changed when he left a meeting abruptly and his sponsor got angry with him. He then told me he had to give more. So it's been recently that he's been going to more meetings, signing up for stuff, volunteering, etc. I guess it's hard for those of us on the outside and all I keep hearing is the relationship won't work. Anyways, I appreciate the advice and support.

hopeful4

What happened when he left the meeting abruptly? Did he relapse? I guess I ask b/c it sounds like maybe he has a bit of a controlling sponsor. You should feel free to come and go and do the amount of volunteer stuff you are comfortable with. If it is a detrement to your relationship that is not good. I would definitely speak to him about this.

XXX

scarlet71

He did not relapse when he left. The CA group has a lot of really young men, my partner is 46 and some have been stirring the pot a bit, so he said he just had to leave before he said something he would regret. His sponsor was quite angry with him and gave him ****, he tends to do this at times.
I know I have to talk to my partner about this, it's just difficult at times.