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Old 09-03-2014, 05:46 AM   #1 (permalink)
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how do I get my constantly drunk sister out of my house?


Found my way back here this morning after being awakened at 5:30 by my extremely drunk sister dropping things and talking loudly on the phone.
I don't even know where to start. I have given my life, resources, time and space away for so long there is barely a me left. I actually googled "how to get my alcoholic sister out of my house" and it led me to a post here. Which was excellent, since I lost this link and couldn't remember how to get back here!
Going to find an Alanon today, must have support and someone to help me have guts to make her go after 8 years. It's so unmanageable. When she's not working, she starts drinking straight vodka all day and night. I've let her stay because she does work and pay rent (after we forced her to ) and I needed the money as I quit my job 2 1/2 years ago to take care of my granddaughter full time after my daughters unexpected pregnancy and single motherhood. She turned 3 yesterday, is figuring out something is not quite right with Aunt B, and I just don't want to have my sister here anymore. I've given ultimatums and find it almost impossible to carry through. Parents and brother deceased, I'm all sister has left.
I'm a card carrying codependant and although I'm aware of this tendency I find the pull to rescue and save irresistible. I'm pulled on and drained from so many directions it's ridiculous. I see I created this mess, but have no strength left to disengage from the drama, I've slipped into victim mode where I don't want to stay but I feel paralyzed.
How do you get someone out of your home when they have no car and nowhere to go but they have a job? I feel like making her go will result in her being homeless and dead like it did my brother after I forced him to leave my father's home for stealing to support his habit.
She adds nothing to my life but stress. But I don't know how to make this happen without being swallowed alive with guilt. There's so much more but this is a start. Please help, I'm feeling like the only way out is when I keel over dead from the stress...
Thoughts?
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Old 09-03-2014, 06:50 AM   #2 (permalink)
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My first thought is wow you are super super stressed. My second thought, get thyself to a counselor who specializes in dealing with families in addiction....now. I am so so sorry for all you are going through, my heart just hurts for you.

If she works a job, I would say to tell her if she is going to stay with you she has to put every extra penny into building a fund to be able to move out on her own, even if it is just renting a room somewhere. Make it clear the ultimate goal is for her to move out. You cannot carry on this way.

It's sort of like the airmask on a plane. You put it on yourself first or you are not able to help anyone else.

Keep coming to SR, there is great support here.
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Old 09-03-2014, 07:53 AM   #3 (permalink)
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If she works a job, I would say to tell her if she is going to stay with you she has to put every extra penny into building a fund to be able to move out on her own, even if it is just renting a room somewhere. Make it clear the ultimate goal is for her to move out. You cannot carry on this way.
This. And yes. You need to take care of YOU. It's not uncommon for alcoholics to outlive their spouses -- we tend to wear (and worry) ourselves sick when caring for an alcoholic.

I can see several options: Go back to work, put your granddaughter in preschool, and give your sister a move-out date. Tell her her drinking is affecting your family negatively and it's time she grew up and took care of herself.

But first -- take care of YOU. (((hugs)))
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Old 09-03-2014, 08:49 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I think counseling would do you wonders and so would al-anon.

The evicting her from YOUR house may be the easy part – that hard part is YOU being able to say what you mean and mean what you say. Being able to speak your needs first then second be able to stand by what you need in your life. Her and her issues out of your home and away from your grandchildren.

Talking to her now, voicing you wanting her out now – is only going to bring you more heartache and fill you with guilt because YOU ARE NOT READY TO DO THIS YET.

Work on trying to detach from her drinking, get yourself some counseling make some new supportive friends in al-anon, keep posting here. THEN you will be stronger and able to stand strong on your needs of her getting out of your home.
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Old 09-03-2014, 01:31 PM   #5 (permalink)
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If she works a job, I would say to tell her if she is going to stay with you she has to put every extra penny into building a fund to be able to move out on her own, even if it is just renting a room somewhere. Make it clear the ultimate goal is for her to move out. You cannot carry on this way.

This is a wonderful idea, it also gives you the power, makes you less of a "bad guy" as you don't want to look (that will change with counsel you) I think when you do this you will feel relief and empowered. You just might wonder what took yourself so long. It is your home, it is your rules, and it is your peace.

Bless you, for taking care of your grandchild! Wanted to throw that in.

Most importantly, what I want to say: I don't know if you feel guilty about your brother, if you don't good, If you do it is not your fault! Not!! so.... if part of your sister living with you is guilt or fear it might be again.... it's up to her, not you. The longer she stays with you in this condition, the harder it will be on you and your family, and the worse she will get.

You can do this. Keep coming back here, I say this to everyone when I post; these people here are amazing.
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Old 09-03-2014, 01:47 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I know it's scary - but you might be preventing your sister from reaching the "bottom" that she needs to hit in order to WANT to get sober. I know this "bottom" might mean she ends up in jail, or even dies. But you're allowing her to continue living this way. And she probably hates it deep down just as much as you do. I would give her an ultimatum - go to treatment or OUT! Change the locks if you have to. Stay firm in your resolve. Good luck <3
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Old 09-03-2014, 11:25 PM   #7 (permalink)
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WOW I feel for you and am learning so much about myself from these threads!

As someone else said you are NOT responsible for your brothers death he was responsible for himself and sounds like he needed professional help which he needed to reach out for for himself

Have you EVER had some time away from her? How did you feel? MUCH more relaxed I should imagine , remember that feeling and work towards getting A LOT more of it

I made the DECISION to detach from my DD's drinking and IMMEDIATELY started feeling like myself again! .... BUT she came back and things were back to pally normal again so time to SPEAK to her and let her know she can't just drop by whenever she wants to because I NEED time to myself and she needs to learn to go out there and get the support she needs , I can't do it

AFTER this talk I am hoping to feel better again , have some time to myself to feel back to normal again which I WAS beginning to and loved the feeling , like you said ''I don't know WHERE ME WAS'' ..........I ''lost myself'' too after only 6 MONTHS of being a family in crisis and the real alcoholism started late into that 6 months but it was hell even at 'drinking problem' stage!!!!

My rope was as long as it was , personally for me , and then my rope came to it's end , since then I have not done THAT much better than when I was practically living with her for 5 months! ... It's all still IN MY FACE and IN MY LIFE and I want to get it out of my life so I can concentrate on ME and my DGS who is in temporary care!

So you have to get some support , counselling would be really good , and time to concentrate on YOU now , for once , at last etc etc etc and your LO is at an age where she needs you so much and ALL children need stability obviously and that starts and ends with you and I want you to ENJOY your LO to the MAX which is HARD when you are exhausted so get a support network in place , there are Granny carers groups , carers associations which might help with holidays and outings etc and you will meet people in similar positions as you ie it can be enjoyable being the carer of a LO IF you have a support network in place / time to yourself / a break from time to time so please see what resources there are out there for you and concentrate on you and enjoy your LO

I don't even know WHERE my 'case' is at re my DGS or even where my HEAD is at as DD's alcoholism has once again taken over everything even with her NOT living with me , so be careful of that , if she is heavily dependent on you she may come back in and drain you still even once moved away so boundaries will ALWAYS be important for your health and peace of mind but it is achievable I reckon!
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Old 09-04-2014, 04:19 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Hi C&B, your sister is lucky you've allowed her to stay this long. I'm not sure why you think she'll be homeless if she works. Surely she can pay enough for a room somewhere?
I've seen others on these forums deal with the same situation by giving their relative notice that they'll need to move out by a certain date. You can be generous time-wise, but be careful never to back down, not one inch, so she knows you mean it.
I'd be careful of raising a 3yo with a drunk; it's not a good example.
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Old 09-04-2014, 07:54 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Start looking into the laws in your state. There are different laws in different states about eviction, even if that person is not on the lease or mortgage. Often times it is a 31 day notice in writing. You have to have it, again in many states, proven it was given to that person, so registered mail etc. Do this so you have the peace of mind of knowing what that is. Have it written up, and ready to go when you finally have the talk with her, so if it does not go well, you are already locked and loaded, so to speak to protect yourself.

For a very short time I worked in managing apts, in Washington, while they found someone to take that job. I did this as a favor for a family friend of my dad's. When we evicted them, there were laws about holding their things that were left behind as well. We were not able to just sell them or throw them away. We had to package them up and store them, and give them notice on that as well.

I am just talking legalities here. And, I know that is the easiest part of this, as you love your sister.

Keep making the goals in your life, and write them down. Read them. Can you see yourself reaching those goals with this dysfunction in your life?

I think that there are so many wise people on this site with so much more time on under their belt on this than I have. I am just starting this journey.... but I know, through the work I am doing, that we need self care, and if you are not able to achieve that with your sister in your everyday life, with her present, then you need to take that step to bring sanity back into your life.

In the process be kind to yourself.

Blessings....
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Old 09-07-2014, 04:06 PM   #10 (permalink)
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thanks to all!

I so appreciate the time and wisdom you all put into your replies. I'm sorry it took me so long to respond, the situation got so uncomfortable I spent the daytime hours out doing things with my granddaughter and niece in order to not have to watch my sister drowning in vodka. There was just not time or space to share all the specifics previously, this has been going on for 13 years, living with me for 8. There has been AA, (court mandated) jail, therapy,
Dr. and hospital visits, ultimatums and I have gotten her out of here before. She actually stopped drinking for 2 years. With my husbands help, we formulated a letter to my sister. A month ago we had a long talk with her during a rare sober morning. She has had many, many opportunities to get it together and have all the help and support in the world, as you can imagine. I have begged pleaded and offered the sun moon and stars to help and tried to get her the right kind of assistance. You all know how it is- they cry, say they're going to change and get help, and ooze self loathing. I've told her I'm not equipped to give her the accountability she needs, and will take her to anyone and find her help.
She has just flat out told me one has to be "ready" and she is not. So we told her a month ago she had a week to get to the Dr. and tell him her addiction and start there with what he recommended. I took her for a physical, and of course with the 3 year old in tow could not go back with her. She told me he said she was FINE. Yeah, right. So then I said you must check with your insurance and find a rehab. And a group. She told me she checked, and her insurance wouldn't cover it. Yeah, right. So then I said, if you are not willing to get treatment then you must begin finding another place to live. She agreed and then of course did nothing but drink and hide from me.
I don't give her money, she does work at a restaurant and pays me rent. So I've never bailed her out or paid her bills, but she's never lived on her own. She went in and out of my parents in between husbands (3 winners) and came to me after they died and the last husband left. I won't even go into all of it but it's like a Lifetime movie how awful it's been.
Sadly, I don't miss my parents or brother and I probably won't miss my sister a lot. It's hard to miss people who never add anything, just take or abuse.
But I felt like we were all she had left and I think I've just been trying to keep her alive. Her last husband nearly killed her. While my dad was dying in the hospital, she moved in some guy she met in a bar straight out of rehab, she later married him but they all but destroyed the paid for mountain home my parents had built. We lost a ton of the value on it after dad passed. She squandered her inheritance, the husband left her and she lost their home. I had NO idea how bad it really was until I moved her in "just to get back on her feet". This was right when my last child graduated 9 yrs ago and moved out.

Soooo, over the years I've learned a lot about codependency and realizing I have EVERY trait of the adult child of alcoholics minus the substance addictions. I think my addictions were religion and people.
Still working on the people part, had enough a few years ago of the cult like church we were in and am pretty much done with organized church.
Our niece who is 23 just came to stay for a while (long story for another day) and my sister has latched onto her like glue, rambling incoherently constantly. It's really all quite nauseating. I'm just utterly over it. Of course I love her, but it's just not enough anymore. I'm tired of being the "nice" one.

Anyway, since sister is clearly not going to try to recover at this point, we gave her a 6 week notice. I'm aware of the eviction laws, a police officer told us all that when she was in jail last time. I'm trying hard not to feel guilty and in some ways I am already grieving the loss, as she never makes it on her own. I will let you know how it goes, she says she's going to a weekly hotel. If I have to, I will take steps to make her leave, but so far she seems like she will go willingly. Maybe I'm just being negative as my brother died at exactly the same age and I see no signs of her being any healthier. But I know I can't do this anymore. The stress is killing me and I refuse to put my grandgirl through what my parents made me watch growing up. You never really get over being the one who has to empty the urine/vomit bucket for your grandmother every morning before school as she drinks bourbon all night and can't walk.
Oh my God it's awful even typing that. Yes, I have gone to counseling but it never helped, maybe I just never a had a good one.
I feel like I dodged a bullet, not being an addict or alcoholic like everyone else in my family.
I think this is why I try to rescue and take care of everyone but ME.

Thanks for rallying around, I really need it
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Old 09-08-2014, 11:15 AM   #11 (permalink)
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You've been through so much. IMO, taking the nice approach as you've done so many times before is just going to put you right back where you are now. She's had countless opportunities and still hasn't had to feel the discomfort of doing things on her own. She works, so she can eventually find a place on her own. A shelter would be perfectly suitable. She'll have a roof over her head, meals, and sometimes even money management help. Don't think that's she's above a shelter. I moved myself and my kids into one because we were living with my alcoholic mother and I couldn't take it anymore. The shelter was a step up from my own home. Your sister will do whatever she's going to do, but don't think that by kicking her out, you're leaving her with no options. She's well past the point of needing to grow up and take care of herself. Eight years? Wow. That's a long time to be doing that with your own sister. Well past time you got her out.
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Old 09-09-2014, 10:55 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Coffeeandbooks, what you are dealing with is so difficult and so destructive to everyone in your household. You are doing the right thing to cut ties with your sister. You have the right to make decisions on what is best for you and for the sane, beloved family in your life.

You do not need to feel guilty. Your sister is living out the consequences of the choices she has made, and she, and only she, deserve those consequences.

The truth is that no of us can really ever live someone else's life for them, even if we feel that we understand what they should do to be healthy better than they do. It is their life; it is their dignity and right to make their own choices whether we think they are good choices or not.

Maybe you could save the rent she gives you for the next few weeks before you make her finally move out. Then you could give her a check to spend on renting a new place for herself. You'd be sending her out own her own knowing that she has some financial resources, and that might be a more palatable way for you to end this.

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Old 01-28-2017, 03:36 PM   #13 (permalink)
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This is an entire family thing, in my humble opinion.

The family is dysfunctional and targeting one member, the using sister, and kicking her to the curb with ultimatums and finger pointing is going to harm the OP, and saying she should or could wash her hands of her sister is not healing. Both of them are human beings hurting in each their own way.

Family healing is in order, but of course all have to be on board and work together for healthy solutions with professional guidance.

I suffer from extreme abandonment issues. It's the root of my anxieties, and I'm addressing those issues now.

Without help for that issue, no amount of threats, manipulation or anything will help me and my family can't take another rift. Maybe some can, but my families been kicking people to the curb for generations.

Didn't solve anything for the best generation.
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Old 01-28-2017, 03:42 PM   #14 (permalink)
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I've spent my entire life fearing desertion and trying to "replace" the father my mother kicked to the curb.

I'm a terrified codependent now. What an awesome solution that was.
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Old 01-28-2017, 04:42 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Sassy, this thread is over a year old, so I don't think the OP is around any more.

Feel free to start a new thread and introduce yourself.
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