Problems with fellow member

Old 09-02-2014, 11:45 AM
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Problems with fellow member

I've been attending Alanon meetings for nearly three years now; spent several years involved with CoDA, both online and face to face before that - which helped enormously, but then for various reasons I realised that Alanon was where I needed to be. I've also been in and out of therapy for most of my adult life - again, very helpful. I have no problem with the notion of a HP, and revived my own spiritual faith about 10 years ago - which, in turn, has helped enormously when working 12-Step programs.

At the moment I am working on setting boundaries in my life in general; largely with overbearing, controlling people. These days I don't know very many, and have successfully distanced myself from them. One of my character defects is over-tolerance, and staying too long in harmful situations.

Unfortunately... the most insistent controller in my life is another member of my home group. When I was still new, she moved in on me very quickly, offered to take me to another meeting which she considered better than the initial one that I'd intended (I tried it, and didn't take to it; a bunch of very controlling women), was very insistent that I didn't need to believe in God to work the program - and when I told her I did, she continued to insist quite forcibly that I didn't need to. It was altogether a very unpleasant experience and if it weren't for the fact that I'd already attended a few meetings there before I'd met her, and my previous experience in CoDA, I wouldn't have come back.

I've seen her do this with other newcomers, and I've never known any of them come back either. It could be that they wouldn't have done so anyway; it could be that they've found a home somewhere else of course.

It's only recently that she's been regularly attending our home group (the one she dismissed to me as "tissues and issues") - when it was intermittent rather than regular, I had no problem - I'd just treat her snippy comments in the same way that I would anyone else, and not engage at all - but this is really, really not what I come to Alanon for. Otherwise, I love my home group and it's far and away the best one for me round here. Last time I went (nearly two weeks ago) she took exception to the way the meeting was being run, but instead of raising it in the meeting, she waited until the end, started shouting at the leader and stormed off. For a long time, I've been aware that part of me, mentally, throws up barriers when she's there, and I don't feel comfortable sharing as openly as normal. When I was preparing to go to last week's meeting, I just thought 'No'; and didn't go.

If I can just share this... it was when I caught myself thinking: "Crikey - I can understand why her ex-partner drank!" that I realised this scenario is really doing my own recovery no good at all.

I'm thinking of dropping out of Alanon meetings altogether, and concentrate on working on my recovery online - and just see how I get on.

Any thoughts?
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Old 09-02-2014, 11:49 AM
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I am not sure of your faith, but Celebrate Recovery is a lot the same with scripture backing it up. I contribute my own recovery to CR. I tried Alanon but it was not for me. If you do a web search you can find out if there are any offered where you live.

Good Luck!
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Old 09-02-2014, 11:56 AM
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I'm not strictly speaking a Christian, but I'm now wondering if the church to which I do belong has something similar... will check it out...

Thank you very much!
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Old 09-02-2014, 11:57 AM
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Controlling people really ruin it for me too. I'm pretty laid back until they start. I also tend to react like you and just stop going for a while.

I hope others here will have some ideas. I only have this problem with people I haven't previously encountered, to be honest. Once I know someone usually acts this way, I just ignore them and if they try to talk to me, I move away without engaging. I just say, "Excuse me," and walk away. It's not worth it to me to waste energy on them. I imagine if everyone does this, they may get the hint.

Probably not.
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Old 09-02-2014, 12:02 PM
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hmmmm, uber controlling woman terrorizing Alanon meetings....go figure!!!
i say that tongue in cheek because it really shouldn't be surprising....but it can stilll be very distressing and distracting at the same time. and it's sad when it happens in your own home group.

depending on how disruptive she is and how many others find her disruptive, it's possible to call a group conscience regarding her attendance. but it's really hard when it comes down to brass tacks to raise your hand and vote somebody off one of the few "recovery" islands.

for now, YOU have to do what is best FOR YOU. gotta finish sewing the costume before we can be superheros and save the planet. i've heard good things about Celebrate Recovery and many churches have similiar type programs. i'm sure with a little Google savvy and maybe some networking you'll find exactly what you need!!!!
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Old 09-02-2014, 12:12 PM
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I think you're probably right, Anvilhead. One option would also be to share with individual members during the week, just to maintain the contact, I guess; at least until I find a replacement.

And pray for her!
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Old 09-02-2014, 01:58 PM
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People are always the problem, my pastor used to say.

My home group had a problem member when I first started going -- the problem was different, but still. The woman in my group was extremely lonely, and the Al-Anon meetings were the only time she really talked to another human being. So she would monopolize the sharing time, talking for loooong stretches of time about the weevils in her tomatoes (or whatever, I wasn't listening) while other members were really needing to share about recovery-related issues.

My group leader didn't want to embarrass her in front of the group, so she talked to some of the other "old-timers" and then took the Problem Lady aside after a meeting. The leader (just her, so as not to "gang up") asked if she would go out for coffee with her, and then talked to her about how she could hear Problem Lady had a lot of things to talk about, but that her hogging all the sharing time was counterproductive for everyone -- so how else could she help her?

People in the group ended up going out for coffee with her after the meetings, taking turns "taking on" the job of listening to this woman. And the last time I saw her in a meeting, she had relented significantly. (I still didn't understand what her gardening issues had to do with recovery, but at least she only shared her woes for a couple of minutes...)

I can imagine someone who is controlling and overbearing might not be amenable to an approach like that, but I would think it might be worth a try?
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Old 09-02-2014, 02:02 PM
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Sharing with the 'old-timers' might be the first step - so to speak! - in working through this!
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Old 09-02-2014, 02:06 PM
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Wonder if this lady got tossed from the other group and is now making the rounds....it's tough to be around that. I will tell you the BB says pray for them as they are spiritually sick.

In our meetings the chair reminds people to keep conversation relevant to recovery and only speak for 3-5 minutes.

Sad to think you'll leave a group you have come to enjoy based on one person.......Sorry for this..

peace
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Old 09-02-2014, 02:07 PM
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as my dear 2nd ex used to say: All it takes to start a new meeting is a resentment and a coffee pot!

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Old 09-02-2014, 03:34 PM
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Originally Posted by Flynbuy View Post
Wonder if this lady got tossed from the other group and is now making the rounds....

In our meetings the chair reminds people to keep conversation relevant to recovery and only speak for 3-5 minutes.
I wondered the same about her being tossed, Flynbuy. I'm also a big fan of meetings where the chair reminds folks why we're there, as you mention above. Long rambling "shares" that are unrelated to recovery are just counterproductive. I've visited a few Alanon meetings w/Problem People to one degree or another, but they've always been just that--visits--not my main meeting, and so I've not really dealt with this myself.

lillamy, I love the solution to your Problem Lady situation that you posted!

I agree that it does seem a shame for you to miss out on a group you feel at home at b/c of one person, rosalba, and I agree that talking to the old-timers might be a good place to start to find answers.

Good luck, and I'd love it if you'd let us know if/how you solve the problem.
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Old 09-02-2014, 04:02 PM
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Sounds like the flag flying atheists in AA.

Always the first ones to grab newcomers and fill them in with opinions of their own.

It is not rude to say "leave me alone I don't like the way you practice this 12 step program"... It is dishonest not to.

Pg 552 of the big book will give you a way to let go of any resentment or anger.


.
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Old 09-02-2014, 04:19 PM
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Originally Posted by Flynbuy View Post
Wonder if this lady got tossed from the other group and is now making the rounds....it's tough to be around that.
My first thought was "No, it couldn't be... the longer-standing members of that group are just as scary as she is..." but then I don't know. I recall at that early meeting, the woman who'd been leading at it glared at me and announced "We're deadly!" and certainly there was a lot of self-castigation with no insight involved, which passed for taking inventory. Luckily I was already self aware enough, and aware enough of the importance of self-love, not to take this stuff on board. Not my stuff, so I didn't dwell on it.

I was mildly nonplussed a few weeks back... we hold our meetings in a room attached to a church. Nice room, with adjoining kitchen. Then the place was being redecorated, and our meeting was moved to a room upstairs - which also had a kitchen attached. For whatever reason, the members continued to use the downstairs kitchen - until a couple of us bumped into the priest on the way in one evening, and he encouraged us to use the one next to our meeting room.

So far so good. When a couple of us started to make the tea, the lady I'm concerned about told us we weren't supposed to use that kitchen. When I said it was OK, the priest had said we could.., she snapped back "Alanon family groups have no opinion on outside issues, hence our name ought never be drawn into public controversy" and walked off. It took me a little while to realise that this was her way of saying she wasn't going to argue about it. I think.

It just felt bizarre.

I can speculate as to why she adopts this approach, from what I know of her history, but that's really not my job or my business. I've found quite frequently that I can say something innocuous and light-hearted, only to be met with a seemingly irrelevant frosty reciting of one of the Traditions.

I think I'll contact the member who was leading the group, the one she shouted at, tomorrow. I'm also wondering if it's triggering something deep within me; when I was a kid my mother suffered from mental health problems and was often bizarre and unpredictable - certainly the family home never felt safe. And that's quite apart from my father's drinking.

Hmmm...
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Old 09-02-2014, 04:29 PM
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Originally Posted by whalebelow View Post
"leave me alone I don't like the way you practice this 12 step program"
.
Thank you sweetie!

What I'm experiencing here is fear; another reason I'm wondering if there's a lot of my old stuff involved.
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Old 09-02-2014, 04:38 PM
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Well if you stood up to your Mum I guess you got yelled at for being defiant.

But that was a long time ago.

Something I heard a while back resonated with me.

"if something happens to you a long time ago and you didn't do anything to deserve it, that is not your fault. If you're still carrying it with you a long time later and it is still causing you emotional pain... That is your fault"

Maybe that will help you like it helped me
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Old 09-02-2014, 04:44 PM
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Originally Posted by whalebelow View Post
"if something happens to you a long time ago and you didn't do anything to deserve it, that is not your fault. If you're still carrying it with you a long time later, that is your fault"
I need to reframe this whole scenario. Sometimes we aren't aware we're carrying stuff from long ago - it's been buried deeply for so long. That is, until something happens which resurrects it, which is what's happening to me at the moment.

And now I have the choice to become aware of it, recognise where it comes from and let it go.

Whoopee!
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Old 09-02-2014, 06:07 PM
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I agree, Rosa. Some peoples' actions do trigger old hurts. The same old hurts may come up time after time even though we've intellectually dealt with them. There is nothing wrong with strong emotion surrounding old hurts, and we just accept them and move on. It's when the old hurts cause a block between us and something we want - then it is a problem.

I understand your reaction - I had almost the same reaction to a woman in an AA meeting and it was for the same reason you described - it reminded me of how my mother treated me. Those emotions are deep and are not easily rationalized away. I prayed for the woman for a few days and then I was over it. I accept that I may have a strong reaction in the future to something similar. It is what it is. Whale, your quote sounds good, but human emotions are not controllable. Stuff comes up. It isn't a matter of blame or self-chastisement, it is emotion. Unless someone is really good at dissociation (which I wouldn't necessarily recommend) - old hurts will trigger emotion.

Strong emotions serve as warnings. We learn to handle situations as a result of having learned what it feels like to have been there before. We learn to protect ourselves from people that are unhealthy.
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Old 09-03-2014, 12:32 PM
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I had a similar experience with an Al Anon meeting. THere was a woman there who by her own admission had mental issues. She also was frequently rude and has no boundaries. She has been known to bring her dog (not a service dog) to meetings. I know in one case, the church officials got ticked off at that.

THis woman has since calmed down, but I still don't care for that meeting, for other reasons. One being that people use non-CAL literature. I've spoken about that once or twice, but I'm tired of the way other people sit there and let it happen. ANd let Rude woman get away with being rude to people.

I rarely go to that meeting any more. I believe it kicked a lot of my old issues.

Some meetings don't work for some people. Hope you can find another meeting you find helpful. I did.
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