I need help please
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
I need help please
Just received a text message from separated ah informing me that he is definitely moving into his new place tomorrow. I haven't replied yet but I so want to reply and beg him not to do this and to come home.
Please give me strength not to!!!
Please give me strength not to!!!
What do you think will happen if he comes home? Play the scenario out to its logical conclusion.
How did it play out all the other times this happened and you begged him to come back? Did it fix any of the issues in your marriage? How long did it take for the problems to start back up and for him to leave again?
How did it play out all the other times this happened and you begged him to come back? Did it fix any of the issues in your marriage? How long did it take for the problems to start back up and for him to leave again?
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Join Date: Oct 2009
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Think of it as prolonging the agony if you do. I let my x come back 4 times. ( it turned out he didn't really want come back either but it was easier) It was just putting off the time I had to move on and deal with my own issues and get my own life sorted. Part of that was seeing I was lonely with him, that once he was back after the initial euphoria I felt sad, depressed and flat again. Nothing changed except it got worse and I accepted that as normal.
He left for a reason. The reason hasn't changed. The drinking will continue, it will get worse. That's all you have to look forward to out of this. Him coming back is like putting an elastoplast on a main artery bleed. Your motives for asking him are probably cos you are scared to be on your own ( you already are) , you won't get anyone better ( being on your own is better and yes you will ...in time when you are healed), you remember the good times ( they will get fewer and further between as time goes by), you think your kids need a dad ( what a drunk one?) etc
Don't do it Butterfly. Keep off that phone for yourself. Look at your signature. It's very true xxx
He left for a reason. The reason hasn't changed. The drinking will continue, it will get worse. That's all you have to look forward to out of this. Him coming back is like putting an elastoplast on a main artery bleed. Your motives for asking him are probably cos you are scared to be on your own ( you already are) , you won't get anyone better ( being on your own is better and yes you will ...in time when you are healed), you remember the good times ( they will get fewer and further between as time goes by), you think your kids need a dad ( what a drunk one?) etc
Don't do it Butterfly. Keep off that phone for yourself. Look at your signature. It's very true xxx
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Thank you I needed to hear that from you all, nothing would change as he is still actively drinking and if he wanted to come home he would. He's not ready to seek recovery and I can't do anything for him only look after myself. I'm seeing my counsellor tonight and I'm going to go out now and keep myself busy. Thank you everyone.
You don't want him HOME Butterfly, you want him sober & active in your life in the way you want a healthy partner to be.... but he keeps telling you that he is not willing to be that person. I'm so sorry you are going through this, I know how badly it hurts.
What are you doing FOR YOU during all of this? Are you doing more meetings or self-care or searching out new hobbies or groups to join? I hope you are reaching out instead of isolating away. ((((hugs))))
What are you doing FOR YOU during all of this? Are you doing more meetings or self-care or searching out new hobbies or groups to join? I hope you are reaching out instead of isolating away. ((((hugs))))
If he would come back it would just be wash, rinse, repeat, over and over. You are going through a hard time but it will get better. If you stay on the crazy train, it stays crazy. If you step off it may be hard to move away from it, but eventually there will be a conclusion, not a continuation of agony.
Hugs.
Hugs.
You already have accomplished the hardest step--the first step is done--just allow him to take the second step. What is meant to happen will happen in due time, as long as you don't react out of fear or sadness. Trust!
Baby Steps
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Firesprit I tend to isolate myself when I am feeling low but I am trying not to. I have forced myself to go out. I've met up with friends and a good friend that I lost contact with a few years ago. I've a girlie night planned for this weekend. However other days I tend to hide away which I know doesn't help but I am so tired. Separated ah is coming to the house today to collect some items and I will be going out. It would be upsetting to be here when he's taking items for his new place. I need to protect myself!! I needed reminding I don't want him home not while actively drinking, thank you
Hopeful, I know your right but there are days when I don't think it will get any better!!
Solomio, I didn't take the first step I wasn't strong enough to leave he left me. But I won't react but will trust what's meant to be will be. Thank you.
Meggem thank you!!
Hopeful, I know your right but there are days when I don't think it will get any better!!
Solomio, I didn't take the first step I wasn't strong enough to leave he left me. But I won't react but will trust what's meant to be will be. Thank you.
Meggem thank you!!
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