helping kids understand
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 256
helping kids understand
I need some help or advice. the last 2 nights my 7yr old DD has been really upset about her dad (my AH) not being home. She knows that he goes to AA meetings @ night and that he is staying with a friend so he can get better. She knows that he drinks and that it is not good for him and he is trying to stop.
Any one else have a similar experience? What helped your kids with this adjustment? He calls almost every day and visits a few times a week. She wants to know when he is coming home and I tell her that we don't know that yet.
Any one else have a similar experience? What helped your kids with this adjustment? He calls almost every day and visits a few times a week. She wants to know when he is coming home and I tell her that we don't know that yet.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 175
Sounds like you are supporting her the best you can, and I think that's all you really can do. She's grieving the loss of him in the home and that's completely normal. She's probably also very confused about what's going on and needs time to process it all.
My only suggestions would be to try to keep everything else in her life as stable as possible so that she feels secure. No major changes. Also, I think it might be best to not have conversations with her about the possibility of her dad coming home. Truth is, you two may permanently separate, and as long as your DD thinks there's a chance he will come home, she might never really accept that he's gone. I would also try to keep the focus off his drinking because she loves him unconditionally and isn't going to grasp the severity of the situation (or she may develop fears about something happening to him and will worry about him whenever he isn't with her).
My son is 5yrs old. His dad moved out 15 months ago. It's become the new normal to him now. He's demonstrated a lot of resilience but it took time. He had some problems staying asleep all night at first, but that has passed now. I still have to coax him into opening up about how he feels sometimes. I'm always mindful of the fact that he takes his cues from me and his dad about our family situation.
My only suggestions would be to try to keep everything else in her life as stable as possible so that she feels secure. No major changes. Also, I think it might be best to not have conversations with her about the possibility of her dad coming home. Truth is, you two may permanently separate, and as long as your DD thinks there's a chance he will come home, she might never really accept that he's gone. I would also try to keep the focus off his drinking because she loves him unconditionally and isn't going to grasp the severity of the situation (or she may develop fears about something happening to him and will worry about him whenever he isn't with her).
My son is 5yrs old. His dad moved out 15 months ago. It's become the new normal to him now. He's demonstrated a lot of resilience but it took time. He had some problems staying asleep all night at first, but that has passed now. I still have to coax him into opening up about how he feels sometimes. I'm always mindful of the fact that he takes his cues from me and his dad about our family situation.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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There have not been many changes to our routine. Being a SAHM I handle most daily routine stuff, including the bedtime routine. Since April he has been in 2 twenty-eight day rehabs, and gone to meetings most night where he got home after she went to bed. Except for a little on the weekends, she didn't see him much. When he does visit, she basically ignores him.
School starts in a few days, so she later brought up that she is worried about that. Maybe there is just too much happening right now for her to process everything. I still have to let her teacher know what is happening. Last yr her teacher knew when he went to rehab and it made such a difference in her getting extra hugs and such.
School starts in a few days, so she later brought up that she is worried about that. Maybe there is just too much happening right now for her to process everything. I still have to let her teacher know what is happening. Last yr her teacher knew when he went to rehab and it made such a difference in her getting extra hugs and such.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
I used the NAMI guidelines --
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-illness.html
part of that:
==================
THE TRUTH BOUNDARY
The Well Spouse must categorically refuse to hide the illness from children, extended family and friends. Only if the MIS is working is there justification for hiding the illness, and then only from work colleagues. Not telling creates enormous isolation. Not telling and talking creates enormous confusion for children. Not telling and talking prevents education. Not telling and talking prevents development of good coping skills. No Family Secrets! No Stigma! This is a biological brain disorder. It is an Illness, like any other.
===================
Just as you experienced . . . .
The Teachers have been WONDERFUL. Swooped in like a pack of Angels, twice. The older two -- now 12 and nearly 10 benefited quite a bit from Alateen. The younger -- now 7 -- most of it seemed to blow over his head. He asked questions, sort of like yours -- but he mostly wanted to know that I had his back -- I did and I do. Most kids want to know they have a safe spot in the storm -- that has to be You.
====================
Here is what I learned in Alanon.
I can have ONE #1 Priority. For me, that is the three kids. None of the kids are named Mrs. Hammer (or whatever title fits) -- so I can know that she is not a #1 Priority.
To take care of #1, I have to take care of ME. Mrs. Hammer is not named ME, so I know she is the #2 Priority.
List goes on like that.
I call Alanon "The Good Daddy Club" Where I go to learn to be a better Dad to them. They seem mildly amused by that, and are good with it.
========
Now of course . . . . being thought of as having a Mental Illness, with the truth out in the open, and me becoming Mr. Alanon . . . made Mrs. Hammer's head COMPLETELY EXPLODE. She sued for separation and custody and support a couple of months ago. Let's just say the tree does not seem to be falling in that direction.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-illness.html
part of that:
==================
THE TRUTH BOUNDARY
The Well Spouse must categorically refuse to hide the illness from children, extended family and friends. Only if the MIS is working is there justification for hiding the illness, and then only from work colleagues. Not telling creates enormous isolation. Not telling and talking creates enormous confusion for children. Not telling and talking prevents education. Not telling and talking prevents development of good coping skills. No Family Secrets! No Stigma! This is a biological brain disorder. It is an Illness, like any other.
===================
Just as you experienced . . . .
The Teachers have been WONDERFUL. Swooped in like a pack of Angels, twice. The older two -- now 12 and nearly 10 benefited quite a bit from Alateen. The younger -- now 7 -- most of it seemed to blow over his head. He asked questions, sort of like yours -- but he mostly wanted to know that I had his back -- I did and I do. Most kids want to know they have a safe spot in the storm -- that has to be You.
====================
Here is what I learned in Alanon.
I can have ONE #1 Priority. For me, that is the three kids. None of the kids are named Mrs. Hammer (or whatever title fits) -- so I can know that she is not a #1 Priority.
To take care of #1, I have to take care of ME. Mrs. Hammer is not named ME, so I know she is the #2 Priority.
List goes on like that.
I call Alanon "The Good Daddy Club" Where I go to learn to be a better Dad to them. They seem mildly amused by that, and are good with it.
========
Now of course . . . . being thought of as having a Mental Illness, with the truth out in the open, and me becoming Mr. Alanon . . . made Mrs. Hammer's head COMPLETELY EXPLODE. She sued for separation and custody and support a couple of months ago. Let's just say the tree does not seem to be falling in that direction.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
My DD is 8 yrs old, I can relate. She has anxiety from all she has been through.
I agree it is likely several things at once. I told my girls the truth as there was a lot of resentment if they felt I was hiding things from them. Just told them in an age appropriate way. I also put them both in counseling, which has been wonderful for my 8 yr old.
I ask them if there is anything about the situation they want to know. I found it was hard for them to just ask without me prompting them to see if they had questions. I answer those questions in the most age appropriate way I can while still being honest.
Tight Hugs.
I agree it is likely several things at once. I told my girls the truth as there was a lot of resentment if they felt I was hiding things from them. Just told them in an age appropriate way. I also put them both in counseling, which has been wonderful for my 8 yr old.
I ask them if there is anything about the situation they want to know. I found it was hard for them to just ask without me prompting them to see if they had questions. I answer those questions in the most age appropriate way I can while still being honest.
Tight Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
As a person who's parents split up, I just want to say - talk. Talk all the time - ask them questions. Reassure them that they have one parent that won't leave them ever.
I was 7. It was such a shock that Dad could leave [me]. I felt if it could happen once, it could also happen with Mom. I grew up terrified of the world, believing that one wrong move on my part could lead to my mother leaving as well. It was ****ing exhausting.
No one to talk to.
*triggered, sorry*
I was 7. It was such a shock that Dad could leave [me]. I felt if it could happen once, it could also happen with Mom. I grew up terrified of the world, believing that one wrong move on my part could lead to my mother leaving as well. It was ****ing exhausting.
No one to talk to.
*triggered, sorry*
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by biminiblue 
I just want to say - talk. Talk all the time - ask them questions. Reassure them that they have one parent that won't leave them ever.
Ask a lot of questions & listen to her answers. Help her identify what emotions she's really feeling & having a hard time verbalizing. Assure her that it's PERFECTLY OK to feel any & all of her emotions... even & especially the "bad" ones (anger, abandonment)
For us, I go with 100% truth in an age-appropriate way. When I tried to cover or hide certain facts it only made her more wary of me because *I* was coming off like a liar.
I would ask a ton of questions & let her answers lead how I ask/phrase my follow up questions:
How does it make you feel when dad's gone?
Is our house more or less peaceful when he is here?
(If she replies negatively - less peaceful) So, why do you think you WANT him home if you think it's less peaceful?
Are you feeling angry? Sad? Alone? Scared?
Do *I* change in how I behave when dad is here/gone? (this one showed me LOTS about my own Codie issues.....)
What are the good things for US while dad is gone getting help (DD always piped up with great stuff, we eat meals on time, I know you'll always be there to pick me up, there's no arguing, etc.)
I also have made sure that DD gets the point that this is a LIFELONG change for all of us. That no matter how "well" dad gets he will likely always need/attend meetings, he will always BE a recovering alcoholic/addict - he can't change those things any more than she can just stop being a redhead & wake up blonde tomorrow, so for her there is no expectation of recovery ending for any of us. We started these conversations when she was 5.
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