Denali

It is hard to even know where to start. I came here to be supported and surrounded by people that understand some of the things I am experiencing and feeling. In the last month, the life that I had that I thought was secure and safe has become a minefield of change, uncertainty and grief.

My husband has been in an in-patient recovery center for 3+ weeks and will be there for a total of 60 days. He originally went in for treatment of depression but since being there, has begun to identify as an addict. He is dealing with family of origin issues, a severe clinical depression and addiction. I am, naturally, a flaming codependent (recovering). My father was and brother is an alcoholic.

Before going into treatment, he told me that he is thinking about leaving our marriage. While he hasn't delved into the reasoning behind it in depth, it seems as though he has this fantasy of a fresh start. A new life. He is still telling me he loves me. He wants me to go to the family week at his rehab center. Although, he just disclosed that he is still on the fence about our marriage. I am utterly heartbroken. And angry. I am grieving the life that I thought we had.

I am getting my own help. I am attending Alanon and CODA meetings as well as individual therapy. I am working on me. I am trying to roll along with all the new labels and changes that he is making. I am proud of him for doing the work that he is doing.

The future is just so uncertain right now. I have been working on accepting uncertainty and change, it is my life's work.

I am just sad, alone, baffled, angry and tired. I know this is happening to illicit healing in both of us. I am just heartbroken at the prospect of loosing my marriage and best friend.

Soberintexas007

That is sad to hear. I am sure it is frustrating to be hearing these words from someone you wanted to stay married to. You are in my prayers.

NYCDoglvr

My heart goes out to you, I've been where you are and it's torture. Let your feelings flow and try not to judge them. Feelings change and you will -- I promise! -- feel better. Alanon saved my sanity and was enormous support. God bless!

micealc

If ye love each other Ye will make it....No one is to blame...lifes circumstances dictates the situations...we can learn to live with any one if we have no expectations....of them. If he wants out you have to fight to keep him...is he worth it...face your Dysfunctions together...if that agreeable.....he said... {He wants me to go to the family week at his rehab center.}go if you want him....dont feel your giving in to him....your not...ye both need to hear how ye both feel about each other now....accept change and grow newly together.....life goes on.... Best of Luck

honeypig

Denali (is that a clever anagram of Denial?), welcome to SR. I'm so glad to hear you're seeking help for yourself on a f2f basis also.

I'm sorry to hear of the situation you're in and I wish you strength and clarity. SR is a wonderful, caring community and I hope you find the support you'll need to make it thru to the other side.

LifeRecovery

Denali-

I am sorry for the pain you are in.

Just my experience but for me falling apart was when the healing really started to happen (though it did not present itself that way).

Good for you for sitting with it and feeling it, so you can move through it.

Denali

Thank you all for your support and responses. It is so wonderful to have a community of people that understand the devastation that my heart is feeling right now.

A few years ago my father died (unrelated to alcoholism), I had no idea how to feel feelings this deep. While that was the hardest time of my life I am thankful for the work I did through that experience that has allowed me to be more at peace with such strong emotions. I truly know that the way to heal is to travel through the darkest feelings without repressing them.

Denali