Feeling lost and alone.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 72
Feeling lost and alone.
I am new here, so please forgive me if I don't do something right.
I have been with my ABF for almost 7 years. I can relate to so many others on here as far as the arguing and making everything my fault to the point that I have almost started to believe it myself.
I knew he drank when I started seeing him, but I had no idea how much. He has moved out at least 20 times, for a few days at a time, over the course of our relationship because I would turn into the crazy person he makes me into when he reaches a certain point in his drinking. He becomes mean, nasty and emotionally and verbally abusive. He is not physically abusive and never has been.
This last year has been total turmoil. I don't even know what his thinking is anymore. He moved out this time on July31. I did not call or text and just left him to drink. He always moves in with his sister and she allows him to sit in the backyard and drink. She doesnt see a problem with it at all, because he does not treat her the way he treats me. He knows if he does, he wont have anywhere to go.
He moved out this time because he wants me to make my son (33 years old) move out. He says he just wants it to be us. He is so eaten up with jealousy where my family is concerned. He has 3 grown children of his own and has nothing to do with them. My son lives here because we live out on a farm and it is a big old farm house with 3 bedrooms. My son works and helps pay bills and basically has his own part of the house and doesnt bother anyone. He even goes out and hangs out with the BF and talks, while the BF is sitting outside in the garage drinking. They don't have any issues, so this is where I am so confused.
The BF if a functioning alcoholic. He holds down a job and never misses work. But this past year he was diagnosed with diabetes and is on pills for it and also has high blood pressure. I have walked on eggshells everyday and even hated turning into the drive to see that he was home.
He has texted me and called and every time this last month, it has resulted in me hanging up on him because of his crazy ranting. The call starts out fine, and slowly turns into him starting crap.
My problem is that I love him and miss him terribly. How stupid is that on my part. Why can't I just let this go and go on. I just keep thinking that he will move on to someone else and somehow have a great relationship and I will miss out. He has been married 2 times and his daughter (that I keep in touch with), has told me that her mother, the BF's ex wife, has said for me to run as fast a I can away because he will never change. He was the same with her.
I would appreciate any advice that anyone can give me. I cry as I write this because I just dont want it to end. What is wrong with me?
I have a job and can financially support myself, so that is not an issue.
I have been with my ABF for almost 7 years. I can relate to so many others on here as far as the arguing and making everything my fault to the point that I have almost started to believe it myself.
I knew he drank when I started seeing him, but I had no idea how much. He has moved out at least 20 times, for a few days at a time, over the course of our relationship because I would turn into the crazy person he makes me into when he reaches a certain point in his drinking. He becomes mean, nasty and emotionally and verbally abusive. He is not physically abusive and never has been.
This last year has been total turmoil. I don't even know what his thinking is anymore. He moved out this time on July31. I did not call or text and just left him to drink. He always moves in with his sister and she allows him to sit in the backyard and drink. She doesnt see a problem with it at all, because he does not treat her the way he treats me. He knows if he does, he wont have anywhere to go.
He moved out this time because he wants me to make my son (33 years old) move out. He says he just wants it to be us. He is so eaten up with jealousy where my family is concerned. He has 3 grown children of his own and has nothing to do with them. My son lives here because we live out on a farm and it is a big old farm house with 3 bedrooms. My son works and helps pay bills and basically has his own part of the house and doesnt bother anyone. He even goes out and hangs out with the BF and talks, while the BF is sitting outside in the garage drinking. They don't have any issues, so this is where I am so confused.
The BF if a functioning alcoholic. He holds down a job and never misses work. But this past year he was diagnosed with diabetes and is on pills for it and also has high blood pressure. I have walked on eggshells everyday and even hated turning into the drive to see that he was home.
He has texted me and called and every time this last month, it has resulted in me hanging up on him because of his crazy ranting. The call starts out fine, and slowly turns into him starting crap.
My problem is that I love him and miss him terribly. How stupid is that on my part. Why can't I just let this go and go on. I just keep thinking that he will move on to someone else and somehow have a great relationship and I will miss out. He has been married 2 times and his daughter (that I keep in touch with), has told me that her mother, the BF's ex wife, has said for me to run as fast a I can away because he will never change. He was the same with her.
I would appreciate any advice that anyone can give me. I cry as I write this because I just dont want it to end. What is wrong with me?
I have a job and can financially support myself, so that is not an issue.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR Sosad, though I'm sorry for what has brought you here. I have 3 XABFs and am an RA (recovering addict) and it took me years to get to where I don't want to hold on to someone who is dragging himself down.
I know you love and miss him, but do you really miss the nasty drunk side of him? I had to make a pros and cons list to realize there weren't many pros, but a whole lot of cons. It STILL took time to where I didn't feel like "what did I not do right".
XABF#1 got married, something he said he'd never do again (3rd time). His gf was more of a codie than I. At first, though years into recovery, I thought "what was wrong with me". I had to make the pros/cons list and realized that she can HAVE him. He wouldn't last 5 minutes with the new me that I've become, thanks to the people here and al-anon.
You may not see it yet, it does take a while (I was with him for over 20 years, then went on to two more XABFs and developed my own addiction). I lurked here, and when I'd finally had enough of the addiction and codependency, I joined.
You aren't alone, you deserve better, you really do. He may be functioning, for now, but chances are good that he will continue to spiral down. One of the sayings here is "let go, or get dragged".
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I know you love and miss him, but do you really miss the nasty drunk side of him? I had to make a pros and cons list to realize there weren't many pros, but a whole lot of cons. It STILL took time to where I didn't feel like "what did I not do right".
XABF#1 got married, something he said he'd never do again (3rd time). His gf was more of a codie than I. At first, though years into recovery, I thought "what was wrong with me". I had to make the pros/cons list and realized that she can HAVE him. He wouldn't last 5 minutes with the new me that I've become, thanks to the people here and al-anon.
You may not see it yet, it does take a while (I was with him for over 20 years, then went on to two more XABFs and developed my own addiction). I lurked here, and when I'd finally had enough of the addiction and codependency, I joined.
You aren't alone, you deserve better, you really do. He may be functioning, for now, but chances are good that he will continue to spiral down. One of the sayings here is "let go, or get dragged".
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 72
Impurrfect, thank you for your reply. I guess I just feel stupid for even wanting him back. I am 51 years old, have a great family and friends, that I have pushed to the side for the BF, and thankfully have a good job. I love this site, because I now see that I am not alone in my pain. I am an intelligent person. Gosh, I am so frustrated with myself.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I read some of the BEST advice ever on another thread here last week (I wish I could remember who so I could give credit...).... Go back & read your own post, again, as if you were reading about someone else. I think you already know your answers, which is why you sought us out here at SR (welcome!), but your heart & your head are at war over this decision. We've ALL been there, trust me, we can ALL empathize.
So, the question really is, what do YOU want? Do you want your ABF moving back in or do you want your son moving out? IMHO, in your post you just sound plain TIRED of this merry-go-round. (((hugs)))
So, the question really is, what do YOU want? Do you want your ABF moving back in or do you want your son moving out? IMHO, in your post you just sound plain TIRED of this merry-go-round. (((hugs)))
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
sosadandhurt....just because you feel that you "love" him and miss him does not mean that you should be with him...for your own good.
You can feel the same emotions for someone else.....someone who is actually good for you. You have to let go of this relationship to make room for another...healthier and happier one.
Yes, it hurts for a while...no doubt about it....but....it is short-term pain for long-term gain.
You are too young to be saddling yourself with a relationship that does not enrich your l ife. Love does not hurt this much.
dandylion
You can feel the same emotions for someone else.....someone who is actually good for you. You have to let go of this relationship to make room for another...healthier and happier one.
Yes, it hurts for a while...no doubt about it....but....it is short-term pain for long-term gain.
You are too young to be saddling yourself with a relationship that does not enrich your l ife. Love does not hurt this much.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
He has moved out at least 20 times, for a few days at a time, over the course of our relationship because I would turn into the crazy person he makes me into when he reaches a certain point in his drinking.
this has become your pattern....can you see from a distance the hi's and lo's, the agony and the ecstasy? it's a one off from the Cycle of Abuse.
1. Tension Build Up - his drinking picks up, you don't like it, he drinks more, you hate it and you go nuts trying to get him to stop.
2. Acting Out - You blow up, he blows up, it gets real ugly, he leaves.
3. Reconciliation/Honeymoon Phase - he comes back, contrite. Please give me a chance, I love you, I'd never hurt you, I'll try harder.
4. Things return to "normal" - for a while. and you allow yourself to think that THIS TIME it will be different. he'll stop. and that will make everything better.
til the cycle starts all over again.
it becomes almost impossible to see it from the inside. like centrifugal force, the faster you spin, the harder you get stuck to the wall.
he's out now. so now you break the cycle. YOU make it stop. cuz you don't deserve to live like this. way too much drama and chaos. at 51 you've earned your stripes, you don't need to deal with anybody else's BS, even if you love em.....
it will take time to get used to non-drama, quiet, peace. it will feel uncomfortably non-eventful. the silence can seem deafening...until you start to listen....to the sounds of life around you.
this has become your pattern....can you see from a distance the hi's and lo's, the agony and the ecstasy? it's a one off from the Cycle of Abuse.
1. Tension Build Up - his drinking picks up, you don't like it, he drinks more, you hate it and you go nuts trying to get him to stop.
2. Acting Out - You blow up, he blows up, it gets real ugly, he leaves.
3. Reconciliation/Honeymoon Phase - he comes back, contrite. Please give me a chance, I love you, I'd never hurt you, I'll try harder.
4. Things return to "normal" - for a while. and you allow yourself to think that THIS TIME it will be different. he'll stop. and that will make everything better.
til the cycle starts all over again.
it becomes almost impossible to see it from the inside. like centrifugal force, the faster you spin, the harder you get stuck to the wall.
he's out now. so now you break the cycle. YOU make it stop. cuz you don't deserve to live like this. way too much drama and chaos. at 51 you've earned your stripes, you don't need to deal with anybody else's BS, even if you love em.....
it will take time to get used to non-drama, quiet, peace. it will feel uncomfortably non-eventful. the silence can seem deafening...until you start to listen....to the sounds of life around you.
Baby Steps
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
You are not stupid, we can't help who we fall in love with. I wish I could give you some advise as to how to move forward. It unfortunately I am feeling the same way about my separated ah.
Sending you hugs
Sending you hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 72
Thank you all so much. In answer to the question of my son moving out, no, I dont want him to move out. I fully believe in family being there for each other and he had an addiction to drugs about 2 years ago that almost resulted in losing his life. He is now totally clean and does not drink either. I think I would have gone crazy if he has not been here through all of this. And Dandylion, you are so right. Love should not hurt this much.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Anvil is dead-on here - YOU have as much power to break this cycle as he does. Don't give him ALL the power, YOU can decide for yourself to change things. Have you read much around the stickeys here at the top of the forum? It really sounds to me like you are in the throes of the 3 A's - Awareness, Acceptance & Action. You have come to a lot of awarenesses, are struggling with acceptance & not quite ready for action. And that's ok.... remember it's all baby steps.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 72
it will take time to get used to non-drama, quiet, peace. it will feel uncomfortably non-eventful. the silence can seem deafening...until you start to listen....to the sounds of life around you.
Anvilhead, this is exactly how I am feeling right now. I am so used to just waiting for the drama to start that I don't really know how to handle the peace.
Anvilhead, this is exactly how I am feeling right now. I am so used to just waiting for the drama to start that I don't really know how to handle the peace.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 105
Sosad....after reading your comment to my post on another thread I found this explaining your situation. omg.....so, so like the one I have been in for about 6 years as well. we are about the same age.....just neither me or ABF has kids. Hope it's ok if I share some thoughts here.
When mine starts drinking he is ok....actually nicer than when sober. Can be so much fun. After a dozen or more beers he becomes different ...sometimes mean, vulgar, irresponsible, crazy and full of energy. He can stay up for hours, days, without eating - only drinking. He is loud and noisy and won't let anyone around him rest ...has to be center of attention.
Of course that behavior would make anyone crazy. I would also bring it up the next day or week and it annoyed him that I couldn't just let it be, forget it, stop living in the past. I could if only the past wasn't repeated every couple of days!!!
ABF has left several times ....only once did I kick him out. He has been gone from a few days to 3 months. Each time he has kept contact, missed me, we've seen each other. Not so sure about this time -- this could be the time he really leaves. I feel he has used me for most of this time until something better comes along - and if that doesn't work he moves back. And yep...other women have been involved. imo - unacceptable and gross ...yet I put up with it?!?!? What is wrong with me?!
it is also crazy I have the same doubts and fears about losing him. I miss the good things --he can be so much fun and has made me feel so special and alive. Like I said - I dwell on the good memories.
I mean come on!! What is wrong with me. Writing this ...reading this....I can't believe what I am saying and what a creep he is but yet think my life will be ruined without him!
Sosad....Maybe it is just a stage we have to go thru and with luck if "they" let us get thru it we will be ok. So many on this forum have done it and share so much wisdom. It helps to know we are not alone and others have felt these weird emotions. I never dreamed I would tolerate such behavior from someone. I was always the wise one in the group ....until I met this guy about 6 years ago.......
When mine starts drinking he is ok....actually nicer than when sober. Can be so much fun. After a dozen or more beers he becomes different ...sometimes mean, vulgar, irresponsible, crazy and full of energy. He can stay up for hours, days, without eating - only drinking. He is loud and noisy and won't let anyone around him rest ...has to be center of attention.
Of course that behavior would make anyone crazy. I would also bring it up the next day or week and it annoyed him that I couldn't just let it be, forget it, stop living in the past. I could if only the past wasn't repeated every couple of days!!!
ABF has left several times ....only once did I kick him out. He has been gone from a few days to 3 months. Each time he has kept contact, missed me, we've seen each other. Not so sure about this time -- this could be the time he really leaves. I feel he has used me for most of this time until something better comes along - and if that doesn't work he moves back. And yep...other women have been involved. imo - unacceptable and gross ...yet I put up with it?!?!? What is wrong with me?!
it is also crazy I have the same doubts and fears about losing him. I miss the good things --he can be so much fun and has made me feel so special and alive. Like I said - I dwell on the good memories.
I mean come on!! What is wrong with me. Writing this ...reading this....I can't believe what I am saying and what a creep he is but yet think my life will be ruined without him!
Sosad....Maybe it is just a stage we have to go thru and with luck if "they" let us get thru it we will be ok. So many on this forum have done it and share so much wisdom. It helps to know we are not alone and others have felt these weird emotions. I never dreamed I would tolerate such behavior from someone. I was always the wise one in the group ....until I met this guy about 6 years ago.......
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