Stuck in this cycle
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Stuck in this cycle
My separated ah has just informed me that he will be moving into his apartment this week!! I am devastated I had hoped that he hadn't really applied for a mortgage and was buying a new place that he was just taking time in his mums and would wise up and come home. I thought he doesn't really want this I know he wants his life with me he's just struggling and he will realise that he doesn't want to be without me and the kids. I feel so stupid, for holding onto hope, for believing that everything he said before he left he meant and that he wouldn't let drink come between us and destroy our marriage and family. I am devastated!!
Today I am feeling so defeated actually I think I've been feeling this way for awhile but couldn't describe the feeling but that is how I feel defeated and I can't see a way out of this pain and hurt, it is so overwhelming. I am lost and I don't know how to move forward. Thoughts of him have consumed me, thoughts of all the good times we shared and the difficult times but I seem to ignore those and focus on what was good between us and there were many good times.
I want my husband back I don't want to lose him I miss him so much sometimes I feel that this pain is unbearable and I will never feel any better. I seem stuck in this cycle of pain, hurt and betrayal.
I guess now I will see whether he sinks or swims he will have no restrictions to prevent him drinking, with the exception of when my DS stays with him he has promised he won't drink when he is there, whether he does or not that remains to be seen. I have spoken with my son and agreed a plan should he be drinking and DS doesn't want to be there.
I am sorry my posts recently and seem to focus on the same things, I don't have anyone else to talk to about this, I'm sure my friends are all getting fed up too.
Today I am feeling so defeated actually I think I've been feeling this way for awhile but couldn't describe the feeling but that is how I feel defeated and I can't see a way out of this pain and hurt, it is so overwhelming. I am lost and I don't know how to move forward. Thoughts of him have consumed me, thoughts of all the good times we shared and the difficult times but I seem to ignore those and focus on what was good between us and there were many good times.
I want my husband back I don't want to lose him I miss him so much sometimes I feel that this pain is unbearable and I will never feel any better. I seem stuck in this cycle of pain, hurt and betrayal.
I guess now I will see whether he sinks or swims he will have no restrictions to prevent him drinking, with the exception of when my DS stays with him he has promised he won't drink when he is there, whether he does or not that remains to be seen. I have spoken with my son and agreed a plan should he be drinking and DS doesn't want to be there.
I am sorry my posts recently and seem to focus on the same things, I don't have anyone else to talk to about this, I'm sure my friends are all getting fed up too.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Thoughts of him have consumed me, thoughts of all the good times we shared and the difficult times but I seem to ignore those and focus on what was good between us and there were many good times.
Focus on why life is difficult with him. Not to swim in a sea of negativity, but to get a fair perspective, and base your reaction off of that instead.
I want my husband back I don't want to lose him I miss him so much sometimes I feel that this pain is unbearable and I will never feel any better. I seem stuck in this cycle of pain, hurt and betrayal.
Aww, hon...I can feel the agony and pain in your words. I am so sorry you feel this way. These feelings will fade... I know it may be of little comfort at this moment. Try to remember that though. Do you want him back as he was, or as his potential? Maybe that will put some perspective on it?
I guess now I will see whether he sinks or swims he will have no restrictions to prevent him drinking, with the exception of when my DS stays with him he has promised he won't drink when he is there, whether he does or not that remains to be seen. I have spoken with my son and agreed a plan should he be drinking and DS doesn't want to be there.
Good work, Mommy!
Excellent. You are a great mother to have went over this with him.
Yes, you will see whether he sinks or swims....what do YOU think he will do?
And, more importantly....what will YOU do? Swim, baby. Far away.
I am sorry my posts recently and seem to focus on the same things, I don't have anyone else to talk to about this, I'm sure my friends are all getting fed up too.
The addition of the word "too" at the end of that sentence implies we are fed up with you. Not true! This is precisely what this forum is for - talk away!
Talk until you feel better, or until you feel it's all out of you, and you can sit with yourself in peace.
Sending you big hugs....you can and you WILL get through this.
Peace.
Focus on why life is difficult with him. Not to swim in a sea of negativity, but to get a fair perspective, and base your reaction off of that instead.
I want my husband back I don't want to lose him I miss him so much sometimes I feel that this pain is unbearable and I will never feel any better. I seem stuck in this cycle of pain, hurt and betrayal.
Aww, hon...I can feel the agony and pain in your words. I am so sorry you feel this way. These feelings will fade... I know it may be of little comfort at this moment. Try to remember that though. Do you want him back as he was, or as his potential? Maybe that will put some perspective on it?
I guess now I will see whether he sinks or swims he will have no restrictions to prevent him drinking, with the exception of when my DS stays with him he has promised he won't drink when he is there, whether he does or not that remains to be seen. I have spoken with my son and agreed a plan should he be drinking and DS doesn't want to be there.
Good work, Mommy!
Excellent. You are a great mother to have went over this with him. Yes, you will see whether he sinks or swims....what do YOU think he will do?
And, more importantly....what will YOU do? Swim, baby. Far away.
I am sorry my posts recently and seem to focus on the same things, I don't have anyone else to talk to about this, I'm sure my friends are all getting fed up too.
The addition of the word "too" at the end of that sentence implies we are fed up with you. Not true! This is precisely what this forum is for - talk away!
Talk until you feel better, or until you feel it's all out of you, and you can sit with yourself in peace.
Sending you big hugs....you can and you WILL get through this.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Butterfly)) - I'm so sorry all of this is causing so much pain. FWIW, I'm a double winner - recovering addict and recovering codie.
The first thing that pops into my head is the 3 C's - you didn't cause this, you can't change it, and you can't cure it. As an RA (recovering addict), I can tell you, for a fact, the recovery has to come from the A (Addict/alcoholic).
It hurts, it's frustrating, and the fact you have kids together, it must be excruciating. However, go back to the 3 C's.
He wants to do this on his own - let him. Some of us have to hit a low bottom to realize we need recovery, some never do. Your kids need a stable parent, and though it was never in your plans, you are it. It doesn't mean you can't grieve for the "what if's" or the relationship that is no longer the same.
It just means that you put you and your kids first. YOU deserve and so do they. Easy? Oh hello no. Doable? Yep. Just read around and see all the people that have been through similar situations.
Hang in there, sweetie, take care of you and the kids. Let him do what he is going to do. It's hard, but my family had to watch me hit a really low bottom before I finally started digging myself out of the hole. I have friends, family and an XABF who didn't make it. I had to remind myself of the 3 C's many a time.
We do the best we can for ourselves (and children if applicable, I have none) and we put one foot in front of the other. And we find family who gets it on SR and/or f2f support.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
The first thing that pops into my head is the 3 C's - you didn't cause this, you can't change it, and you can't cure it. As an RA (recovering addict), I can tell you, for a fact, the recovery has to come from the A (Addict/alcoholic).
It hurts, it's frustrating, and the fact you have kids together, it must be excruciating. However, go back to the 3 C's.
He wants to do this on his own - let him. Some of us have to hit a low bottom to realize we need recovery, some never do. Your kids need a stable parent, and though it was never in your plans, you are it. It doesn't mean you can't grieve for the "what if's" or the relationship that is no longer the same.
It just means that you put you and your kids first. YOU deserve and so do they. Easy? Oh hello no. Doable? Yep. Just read around and see all the people that have been through similar situations.
Hang in there, sweetie, take care of you and the kids. Let him do what he is going to do. It's hard, but my family had to watch me hit a really low bottom before I finally started digging myself out of the hole. I have friends, family and an XABF who didn't make it. I had to remind myself of the 3 C's many a time.
We do the best we can for ourselves (and children if applicable, I have none) and we put one foot in front of the other. And we find family who gets it on SR and/or f2f support.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 72
I totally feel you pain and understand. I am in the same situation as you with the exception of children together. I also keep remembering the good times and somehow can't focus on the bad, which was way more often than the good. I also miss him terribly and would take him back in a heartbeat. But, I know the cycle will just begin again and the hurt and pain of him leaving will start all over. I wish I had some words of advice for you, but as you can see, we are in the same boat. I just wish the pain would end.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
as the saying goes: More shall be Revealed.
and it has. and now you know. blinders off. the steps to recovery are:
Awareness.
Acceptance.
Action.
this might not be what you thought you wanted, but it is what you have to work with now.
of course there were good times. but they did not exist in a vacuum. there were the not good times too. the countless times he left before. the drunken nights. the trying so hard to be the perfect wife, create the perfect life, making it all about HIM while you got smaller and smaller.
now is the time to look in the mirror. to acknowledge BUTTERFLY. and to tend to what is best for her, what will make her bigger, the center of her own life?
he's the quitter.
you will not only survive, but succeed.
and it has. and now you know. blinders off. the steps to recovery are:
Awareness.
Acceptance.
Action.
this might not be what you thought you wanted, but it is what you have to work with now.
of course there were good times. but they did not exist in a vacuum. there were the not good times too. the countless times he left before. the drunken nights. the trying so hard to be the perfect wife, create the perfect life, making it all about HIM while you got smaller and smaller.
now is the time to look in the mirror. to acknowledge BUTTERFLY. and to tend to what is best for her, what will make her bigger, the center of her own life?
he's the quitter.
you will not only survive, but succeed.
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Onawa, thank you for your reply. I want him back but sober, him leaving has helped me to realise that I will not go back to the cycle of his binge drinking. He wasn't an every night drinker but when he drank he drank to the point of passing out, or sneaking out in the middle of the night or continued his drinking every day. I didn't really think he was an alcoholic as he didn't drink daily or every week until I came here for advise and realised he was, he couldn't control his drinking when he started. He used any excuse to drink regardless of how I felt. I can't go back to feeling anxious around him when he drank or when he wanted to drink. He left many times so he could drink and I heard all the usual excuses and promises. Maybe it is his potential but I also fear being alone and think maybe I don't deserve better?? I don't understand why I would want to be with someone who could hurt me this way and treat me with so little respect!! I think he will sink, he's been living with his mum for nearly 6 months and told me he has been forcing himself not to drink, at his mums just like at home he couldn't drink when he wanted but drinks heavily at the weekend. I think this will change when he's on his own!
Thank you impurrfect and congratulations on being a double winner. I try to take it one day at a time and try to remember the 3 C's I just think that by nearly 6 months later I should be stronger than what I am and further along in my recovery and I get frustrated with myself!!
Sosadandhurt I am so sorry you are going through this pain. My thoughts are with you big hugs!!
Thank you impurrfect and congratulations on being a double winner. I try to take it one day at a time and try to remember the 3 C's I just think that by nearly 6 months later I should be stronger than what I am and further along in my recovery and I get frustrated with myself!!
Sosadandhurt I am so sorry you are going through this pain. My thoughts are with you big hugs!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Thank you anvil I did lose myself but I don't know how to find myself and discover who I am and what I want without him in my life.
ok, i'll tell ya what I know about Butterfly.....
she is a very caring, kind, tender-hearted person who loves absolutely. she believes in the best in people, she wants the best for others, she loves her children, she is intelligent, educated, well-versed and easy-going.
ok, i'll tell ya what I know about Butterfly.....
she is a very caring, kind, tender-hearted person who loves absolutely. she believes in the best in people, she wants the best for others, she loves her children, she is intelligent, educated, well-versed and easy-going.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Butterfly 
Thank you anvil I did lose myself but I don't know how to find myself and discover who I am and what I want without him in my life.
He has very, very clearly told you & shown you that he intends to continue to actively drink... so all this energy you are wasting on him is TRULY WASTING on your part Butterfly, & I KNOW you are worth more than that. You have so much to offer, so much to uncover about yourself, so much of yourself to embrace & love... you just have to pick a direction & start "walking". You get to your answers in baby steps, but you CAN do it. ((((HUGS))))
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
It is scary how much we invest in them and their happiness and how much we are willing to put up with for them, and they do not feel our pain, they do not see our tears.
Now, imagine if you took all that time you gave him and used it for your personal growth. And there would be no tears or sleepless nights, endless disappointments, wondering why he does not love you, and so on.
Of course, you cannot get that time back. But you can stop wasting your time on him. And you will find yourself again. He was suffocating your true self. He was dragging you down with him. But no more. You are free to enjoy your life.
Now, imagine if you took all that time you gave him and used it for your personal growth. And there would be no tears or sleepless nights, endless disappointments, wondering why he does not love you, and so on.
Of course, you cannot get that time back. But you can stop wasting your time on him. And you will find yourself again. He was suffocating your true self. He was dragging you down with him. But no more. You are free to enjoy your life.
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Anvil thank you so much I wish I could see all those things about myself
Firesprite I know you are right but I don't know how to even begin rediscovering myself. I seem to go so far then go backwards. Maybe that's all part of recovery but I get frustrated with myself for not doing better!!
Healthyagain he does love me but I do spend so much energy worrying about him and trying to understand his addiction rather than trying to understand myself!!
Thank you everyone for your responses.
Firesprite I know you are right but I don't know how to even begin rediscovering myself. I seem to go so far then go backwards. Maybe that's all part of recovery but I get frustrated with myself for not doing better!!
Healthyagain he does love me but I do spend so much energy worrying about him and trying to understand his addiction rather than trying to understand myself!!
Thank you everyone for your responses.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
=butterflyI am devastated I had hoped that he hadn't really applied for a mortgage and was buying a new place that he was just taking time in his mums and would wise up and come home. I thought he doesn't really want this I know he wants his life with me he's just struggling and he will realise that he doesn't want to be without me and the kids. I feel so stupid, for holding onto hope, for believing that everything he said before he left he meant and that he wouldn't let drink come between us and destroy our marriage and family. I am devastated!!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Butterfly.....a starting point might be to get the "C0-dependent No More" workbook and work through the exercises. This will begin to reveal your self to you.....
As I recall, there are also exercises at the end of each chapter in one of Melody Beattie's books on co-dependency....
LOL....it has been quite some time since I read them, myself.....
Can someone help me out on this.....?
these books have helped millions of others with the same kind of issues.
dandylion
As I recall, there are also exercises at the end of each chapter in one of Melody Beattie's books on co-dependency....
LOL....it has been quite some time since I read them, myself.....
Can someone help me out on this.....?
these books have helped millions of others with the same kind of issues.
dandylion
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
I am reading co dependent no more again as I first read it when he first left and I don't think I took much in so have started from scratch but didn't no there was a work book I will order it today. Thank you I can't keep allowing myself to be sucked back down by thoughts of him!!!!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
