disheartened
 

I keep reading all of these threads wanting to find some glimmer of hope. Something that will show me that an addict can be in recovery. Something that does that families can be together again and that it doesn't end in ****. But, I am not seeing it at all. It seems like every marriage ends in divorce. Every relationship is broken and not to be fixed. It's very scary for me to see this. Because I want my marriage to work but I see people are constantly relapsing. Is there really no hope? None at all?

It depends. My marriage happens to be a success story. I got started recovery and hubby started his in alanon. He later got his white chip in AA and we have now been married for 16 years. We are better than ever and owe it to our respective programs as well as relationship work we have done.

I've spent the last two days trying to find stories like yours and have failed. All I've seen are stories and advice to basically get out. It's very disheartening.

Spia- there is always hope, but the addict in your life has to want to make the change. Meanwhile, you have to choose how important it is for you and your family to be around the A until if/when he/she chooses to change. You will find many people will respond and show support. It is a hard thing- learning to look honestly at these issues. I wish you the best in your exploration. BIG HUGS!!!

There are success stories! I think people tend to turn to SR when things are going bad. That is when we are looking for support. That is just how it goes.

I have a few good friends that have been through this with their RAH, or their parents went through this and they have successes to share.

While I am new to this whole thing, I have hope (for me and my kids) and feel my journey with be a success, regardless if my marriage survives or not.

My AH is new to recovery. And it's so sad to see how everyone is relapsing. I just really want to hear that yes he can do it. Because I am not ready to accept he won't. If that makes sense?

Hi Spia,
I think it's important to remember that if things do get better for people on these boards, they may not post as much or even come on this site anymore. The people on these boards are still struggling and seeking support. But some addicts to get sober and get better. I am one of them, although I am now seeking support for my AH. There is always hope. My parents and family hoped that I would get sober and get better, and I did. I hope your relationship works out for you.

Does your happiness hinge on your husband's choices? Does your family hinge on his choices?

Believe it or not, I consider myself to be a happy story here, if not for the simple fact that I'm making the necessary changes in myself and my parenting to give my children the best shot at not becoming alcoholics or enablers themselves. That's pretty freaking awesome. Further, relapse does happen to most alcoholics. My husband is currently in rehab after a series of relapses after a few months of sobriety earlier this year. Things didn't spiral to absolute insanity like the did in the past and I credit that to the emotional growth that we have both been doing this year.

Are you looking for stories of rainbows and unicorns? You are unlikely to find those here. There are women in my alanon groups that have been married for a long, long time to recovering alcoholics, to active alcoholics, to alcoholics that go in and out of recovery. If you want to be happy, the answer is to look inward and stop focusing on what your partner is doing or isn't doing or could possibly do in the future.

In my humble opinion, the continued willingness to be self reflective and strive to be better is a success and its gradual and never ending. My success does not hinge on whether my husband relapses again. My children's happiness does not hinge on that either.

I feel like what your post is really asking is if there is more work to be done. From what I've learned, people that find themselves on these boards, on either side of the fence, need to work on their issues for the rest of their lives to really have satisfying, healthy relationships with others.

Hi Spia,

There's no need to give up hope. Take a closer look around this forum and you will see that some of the most respected voices here are recovering alcoholics. I'm very grateful that they participate so actively because it reminds me not to judge people so harshly.

That said, Spia, you are future tripping. I totally understand wanting to feel some reassurance about the future... To know that our efforts are not wasted. It would make decision-making so much easier! Here's the thing... Hope for the future is important. It's critical! But, hope is not a plan. I learned that, in hoping for my AH to take charge and get sober, I was relinquishing my duty to take charge of my own life. I was placing full responsibility for our lives on his shoulders, and I don't think that's fair now.

Ultimately, we didn't stay together, but it wasn't because I lost hope for him. My story is not the success story you are looking for. But, I do view it as a success. I have learned so much more about myself and I'm now taking pride in the direction I'm taking in life. Sometimes, both people find they want the same things in life... Sometimes not. But, the important thing is figuring out what you want. Other things will become clearer after that.

Wishing you peace,
Fathom

And yes. This totally makes sense. I was saying the same thing in January when my husband was first attempting sobriety. Relapses aren't always bad, there can be very valuable lessons to be learned from relapses. But that doesn't apply to us because we aren't alcoholics.

Focusing on outcomes and future tripping, that's our problem. You cannot control or forecast your husband's sobriety. He can't even do that.

Sending you hugs. I know exactly where you're coming from and things do get easier for you if you work on yourself. :)

Thank you for all of you who took the time to decipher my ramblings. I think today was a day of worry for me. And I find that I worry I start to operate out of fear. And one I'm in that mind set it becomes so easy to be negative. You've all given me great advice and have helped me clear my mind. Thank you for that. Thank you for the honest responses to my questions, worries, and fears. I am very grateful. And, yes, is becoming clearer and clearer that I have as much of not more work to do to provide myself with healing. Again, how very kind of you ask to step up.

Here's the thing: you can place all of your hope on statistics, or you can choose what is best for YOU.

Do some quit drinking, and go on to actually work on themselves to gain the strength needed to build the coping skills they need that they used drinking to replace? Sure. Do some actually go on to live a great, happy life with their family? Sure.

Does anyone really know for sure who those people will be? No.

Base your decisions on your health, peace, and happiness, and don't base them on waiting for something you have no control over.

If, for example, you decide to leave them, and then they prove to be one of those people who gets it together - truly, I'm not talking about becoming a dry drunk - then great! Maybe you can try again, after they have proven themselves over a good, long chunk of time.

But, then, how do we know they won't relapse one day? We don't know.

The good news is (well, kinda lol), nothing in life is certain, is it?

So again, do what is best for you and your kids, if you have them.

Don't depend on another person for your happiness.

It is within you, not without.

Good luck! :)

Peace.

If you find you get stuck in a negative and anxious and fearful mindset, maybe give a listen to Joe Dispenza. You can find him on YouTube.

He talks a lot about mindset and creating your life and reality, and how it impacts you.

He does a good job connecting his ideas with physics.

Do I believe in magic, and that if you simply think of something you want, then - POOF! - it will appear in your life?

No.

But I do think that the law of attraction is at work in our lives, and that being stuck in a fearful, anxious, negative mindset destroys opportunities, and blinds us to them.

Also, it sends a cascade of feel-bad chemicals flooding into the body.

Likewise, good thoughts send feel-good chemicals into our cells.

I don't believe in getting anything without some work, or that by thinking happy thoughts our problems magically disappear, but I do think it opens doors, changes your perspective, and is encouraging/gives us strength from within.

Peace.

Spia, I think you got some good advice and info here. All I can add is this link: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-stories.html

What seems to constitute "success" now may look very different to you in a week, a month, a year. And your comment about having at least as much work to do on yourself as the A has to do on himself is exactly what I've found in my own case.

i think marriage is hard as it is. add addiction, makes it even more harder. i heard that the best thing you can do it stay sober. if you improve your self, then you can improve the things that you can control.

spia, go up and read around the newcomers section....getting sober is dang hard work.....but it's the staying sober that takes a lifetime of effort. recovery IS possible, but it all depends on how committed the addict is to the process. it doesn't happen on it's own....it's a physical, mental and spiritual defect.

regardless of what happens with him, you still have to take care of you. if he got zapped off the planet by aliens you'd still have to carry on. if he drinks again, you still have to carry on. if he remains sober for life, you still have to carry on.

sober doesn't guarantee anything but not getting drunk and stupid.

All great advice here given. As I mentioned on another thread of yours you're most likely to see the gloom and doom stories here because this is where people reach out in crisis. Wanting a crystal ball into the future is common, unfortunately they don't exist.

I don't know if you're into reading but here's my most recent read that is a success story.
"Drinking: A Love Story" by Carolyn Knapp. She beat a twenty year addiction. Once she got very serious sobriety stuck and this book is her journey and how she beat it."

There's Roger Ebert another well known success story: My Name is Roger, and I'm an alcoholic | Roger Ebert's Journal | Roger Ebert

Go find some Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, look for ones that are listed as "open" and ones that are speaker meetings. You will hear stories of people that beat their addiction. Did it "stick" the first time in many of these stories? Nope but you'll hear how and what did.

I'm sure that there are many other ways to find those happy endings. Again though, as so many others have told you, what will happen in your particular situation is out of your hands. Work on YOU. If there aren't any Al-Anon meetings in your area to your taste do a Google search and I know that there are a TON of phone in meetings daily available through their parent site at various times of the day.

Best,

Cookies

Any one is asked at an as meeting not only alcoholics?

I wanted my marriage to be one of
those success stories too, but it wasn't
meant to be. I was the one who entered
recovery at about 7 or 8 yrs. marriage and
we made it 25 yrs. marriage.

In recovery I did all I could do to the
best of my ability to remain sober in
which I did and have as Im 24yrs.
sober now. However, because I was
the only one in recovery, my spouse
saw no need for any kind of recovery
program in his life because he had no
addiction problems.

Soooo, we lacked communication and
understanding and it was like we were
living on 2 different plains which ended
our 25 yr. marriage.

Today, we are both remarried and im
5 yrs married living a remarkable, happy,
honest, healthy life with 24 yrs sobriety.

Of course this is just my experience. :)

Spia- like others my marriage is a success after my alcoholism. I didnt follow a formal program but I did find help and support in an online forum. It has been 38 months for me and my husband and I have a better marriage then ever.
Oh and to answer your question yes open and speaker meetings are open to anyone wanting to attend. Alcoholic or not