honeypig

I think what you're asking is who is welcome at what meetings. AA is Alcoholics Anonymous and is for the alcoholic. Alanon is for the families and friends of alcoholics. They are 2 completely separate meetings, but they do use the same 12-step basis and sometimes will be held in separate rooms of the same venue at the same time, making it convenient for the A and family/friend to each attend their respective meetings at the same time.

Normally only A's are to attend AA, and only family and friends to attend Alanon. This is to preserve anonymity as well as to allow the members to speak freely. Sometimes a person falls into both categories (we call them "double winners" here) and will attend both types of meetings.

Sometimes a meeting will be called an "open" meeting, and that means anyone is welcome, even if they don't have an alcoholic (sometimes called a "qualifier") in their life. In my experience, open meetings usually feature a speaker or a couple of speakers, rather than the usual sharing format. In my area, open meetings are usually billed as "AA w/Alanon participation" or Alanon w/AA participation" and will have a speaker from each side of the road, as it were. An open meeting can be very enlightening as far as understanding different points of view.

I hope that answered your question--please feel free to ask if you have others.

cookiesncream

Yes that is correct Spia. Learning the lingo is tough at first:-) Here's a description though of the differences:

The Difference Between Open and Closed A.A. Meetings

I'd also suggest looking for ones that are speaker meetings. So long as they are open, and they always list what type of meeting it is on websites, you will be welcome. On the other side of the coin as an "A" I attended an Al-Anon meeting with hubbie one time. Felt rotten and guilty as heck hearing all the rotten stuff we inflict upon yous guys but even with that (sorry I know I've mentioned this on another thread already) I got a round full of clapping as I announced it happened to be my six month sobria-a-versary.

Best,

Cookies

spia

Sorry my auto correct can really screw up a sentence. But, the question I had was answered and I'm grateful. Thank you all

NYCDoglvr

I'm a recovering alcoholic sober almost 23 years, a recovering codependent with less time.
So yes, people do get sober, stay sober and change but it takes a great deal of hard effort and time. I'm sure there were people who hoped I'd stop drinking but that never made a difference in my drinking. For the active alcoholic, booze is their higher power, God, best friend in life and significant other. I finally had a close brush with death which scared the s*it out of me and resulted in me crawling into AA on my hands and knees.

The point is, you must look at your situation clearly and decide if it's what you want. Do you trust and respect him? If not, what kind of a relationship do you think you have? Think he will change? Think love and hoping it will change have any affect? Like alcoholics, we codependents have very strong denial and rationalization that can keep us glued to our addictions (a bottle or another person) for eternity.

I recommend Alanon, which helped me keep my sanity while dumping a very destructive alcoholic. And the 12 Steps are a great tool for ensuring I won't pick the same person again. It takes honesty, willingness and openness. God bless!

peaceofpi

I have three stories: my own, a friend, and a neighbor. All three of us have found recovery and support and lead pretty happy lives. I am divorced, and my two friends are still married to their RAHs. We all have kids.

I began therapy after discovering my husband's adultery, and he became more verbally abusive. I could not live with active alcoholism and filed for divorce. I have worked hard on my own recovery and serenity despite some difficult co-parenting circumstances.

My friend's husband has had many ups and downs and currently seems to be working a program. I guess the difference - as far as her staying with him - was he wasn't abusive to her. He seems to desire to quit drinking and has a good sponsor.

My neighbor is one of the most positive, level-headed Christian women I've ever met, and she and her RAH are involved in Celebrate Recovery.

In response to your question, there are success stories of lives changing for the better. We can't change their lives or make them stop drinking, but we can certainly change our own.

schnappi99

I'm in alanon, my sponsor asked me to go to some AA meetings to see what goes on over there. He's a double (probably triple) winner so for him the divisions between 12-Step programs are pretty much only administrative at best lol. He advised me to introduce myself as an alanon visitor so as to not distract the greeters from the real newbs. I think a reasonable working definition for "open" vs "closed" might be "closed" meetings are for people already in one of the 12-Step programs or an invited guest, "open" for those who want to learn more but not otherwise affiliated.

A recovering A I work with (20 years) has been feeling challenged in her marriage so has started tracking down AA meetings local to her (she's not been in-program for probably 15yrs or so), going with her daughter who has bulemia. The goal being to get the 12-Step stuff working, maybe the daughter will move off to one of the eating related programs or alateen or something, perhaps my coworker will move off to alanon (her current issues being codependency related). Or not. I think any AA group that would turn away someone seeking recovery from anything via 12-Step has lost its way- sure steer them towards the right fellowship but if the bulemic teen finds a home in alateen and starts getting better or my coworker finds the double-winners on the AA side and works her program there then its a win.

But as far as the anonymous aspect, its complicated. The AA meeting I went to was chaired by a guy getting his 1 yr chip- his parents were there, the topic of the meeting was reflecting on the 1 year transformations others had experienced, and what the group had seen him accomplish, his parents introduced themselves as such and shared too- it was inspirational and a privilege to attend. The meeting operated on the usual 1st name basis but no-one was worked up over anonymity.

Of course circumstances vary and one's choices need to be fitting.

TerpGal

I guess I am in your same shoes right now, wondering if anyone's marriage to a RAH has a happy ending. Right now I am trying to focus on the fact that each day he is not drinking is a gift. Granted he is in rehab and can't drink. I went to visit him today and there were PLENTY of residents there that were itching to get out of there, begging their visitors to take them home.

I am grateful that not once did he mention wanting to come home during the visit. I am grateful he seems to be finding himself again. He is lucky in that he had a very strong sense of self before the drinking. He was outgoing, gregarious, kind, loving, and hilarious before the drinking. And I saw the social butterfly today, something he has not been in years. I think he introduced me to most of the residents and just had an ease about him, that I haven't seen in a long time.

I am grateful for that. When he comes home, I will be grateful for every sober day that I get because I know for myself I can't live with an active alcoholic again. Now that he finally *admits* he's an alcoholic and is open and willing for AA when he gets home, I think he will really click with AA. Obviously he will have to find meetings he jives with, so he will have to try a bunch. From what I have seen of AA thusfar (just from the Al Anon meetings I have been to that have AA going on at the same time), it is a very social fellowship, as is Al Anon, maybe a little more so. If he gives himself the opportunity, I think he will thrive in AA. But these are only my opinions.

So right now, for me, every day he doesn't drink is a gift. If I get myself all worried about if our marriage is going to last, I think its going to show in the way that I interact with him, and will not be helpful to his recovery. Many of the people I have met in the Al Anon rooms have good relationships with their RA's, but the only way they have been able to do this is they were both working their OWN programs and THEN working on the marriage.

LvWrAM123

2.5 years ago my husband quit drinking following IOP.. He was drinking too much and the alcoholism was just starting to affect our family and relationship (anger, rage). He relapsed after about a year and a half in a secretive, betrayal kind of way and concluded he needed IP for 28 days. He is 9+ months sober now and really working recovery, not just white knuckling like before. Both of us have been working hard on our own recoveries and we are in a really good place. I also will not live with an active alcoholic anymore. I am grateful, everyday, for the hard work and commitment he is putting in. I know that long term sobriety is possible, and I hope my husband stays in that camp, but if he doesn't, I have done my own work, and I know I can take care of the kids and myself if I have to, and that is a much better feeling than before, where I would lay awake trying to figure out new ways I could try to manage his disease, which never really worked anyway.

I know 9 months is a relatively short time, but for now, we are happier than we've been in years, falling in love with the "new" each other's all over again.