digdug

Hi all,

I'm a recovering alcoholic, ~1.5 years sober. I'm heavily involved in AA and am personally doing well.

I've been dating a woman for 6 months (at the suggestion of my sponsor, I waited a full year to start dating again) and things have been going well. She doesn't drink and is very understanding of my need to go to meetings regularly.

She has a brother who is a heavy alcoholic. Of course she is constantly torn between maintaining a relationship and cutting him off. He lives halfway across the country, but even with the distance, she is regularly pulled into the family chaos he causes with his drinking.

I have done my best to help out. I gave her my phone number to pass along to him. He actually called one time a few months ago and we talked for a while. I told him a bit of my story, how my drinking took me so far down that I ended up in a coma on life support with a 5% chance of pulling through. How my mother had to plan a funeral for her 31 year old son. And how I was able to put my life back together after I woke up. We talked about detox, rehab and AA. He told me he was drinking a significant amount every day. He says he really wants to stop but just doesn't know how. I told him to walk into an ER and tell the truth. He never did as far as I know.

So every few weeks, my girlfriend finds out whatever her brother ended up doing to himself and it kills her. She thinks he is going to die soon. Personally, he didn't sound end-stage to me yet, but he is getting there. I've suggested al-anon to her multiple times. I put her in touch with the wife of a friend in AA who attends al-anon and they talked once. But she hasn't followed through on attending a meeting. After the most recent episode involving her brother, I offered to go with her myself. She said ok, but she hasn't brought it up since. I've left it alone.

I guess I just don't know what else to do. If he was living in the area, I'd bring some guys to do a 12th step call. But the distance makes that impossible.

It's rough having to watching my girlfriend go through this. it's a constant reminder of what I put my own family through, not that that's necessarily a bad thing. I've made my amends. I've rebuilt my relationships. But it does hurt seeing her suffer. I'm not used to seeing things from this side of the fence.

Should I just continue to sit this out on the sidelines? Should I keep suggesting al-anon? I don't really want to push her on this. It's her choice. But I know how much it could help her process some of this stuff and begin to heal by focusing on herself. I cried tonight thinking about it. It's really starting to get to me. I can only imagine the pain she's dealing with. But I have a pretty good idea of the extent, given how much I damaged my own family.

Thanks

Hammer

Hey, welcome to our world.

Just like the brother -- not ready to quit -- your GF is not ready. Dunno if it is an "enough pain" thing or what, but until you are ready, you just are not ready.

Maybe get a copy of "How Alanon Works," and leave it around -- Not to manipulate, or control, or direct her -- but just so that when she is ready, it is there. Do you keep a copy of the AA Big Book around? That is sometimes a Good Read for Friends and Family.

So again welcome and thanks for trying to Help Others. Good 12th Step Stuff, there.

honeypig

Hi, digdug. Congrats on your year and a half of recovery--so glad to hear about it!

I can understand how you want to help your GF. It's hard when we ourselves have seen how much good AA/Alanon can do in our lives and want to share that, but the person we want to share it with isn't willing to get involved yet. I've heard the saying "Alanon isn't for those who need it, it's for those who want it", and I think that's really true.

Unfortunately, while your GF sounds as if she needs Alanon, she sure doesn't want it yet. The only thing I can think of that you can do is to keep working your own recovery as well as you can, so that she can see for herself just how much benefit can come from the program.

I hope she gets to the "had enough pain" point soon, and I wish you patience, forbearance and compassion as your relationship continues.

digdug

Thanks for the replies.

I do have my big book around, but I think the chapters directed to the friends and family are patronizing at best, and at worst, flat-out wrong (especially the "To the Wives" chapter). I've worked the 12-steps, but I'm not one of those people who believe every word is gospel. I can grab an al-anon pamphlet on Tuesday.

Her brother actually came up again in conversation last night. I again offered my sincere empathy and said I'd be happy to accompany her to an al-anon meeting. You guys are right that she has to reach her own "bottom" before she's ready to give it a try. She can be a very fear-based person, but she's working on that. And I understand how intimidating it can be to walk through those doors the first time.

NYCDoglvr

Congrats on your sobriety and happy (most of the time) relationship. I'm in my 23rd year of recovery and have also spent valuable time in Alanon. Of course you want to help but I'm sure you know there's really nothing you or she can do. It's heart-wrenching to watch someone drink themselves to death and hard to see how powerless we really are over people, places and things. It would help if she could spend a bit of time with someone who has been through this but you can't drag her to Alanon. I went through a period of sponsoring newly-sober women and three didn't get 90 days, which was very tough to handle. I spent time, grew to care about them and suddenly they were gone. Hey, only 30% make it to one year, I know, but it still hurt. We learn to be there when anyone reaches out for help (as we once did), to carry the message, but AA is a program of attraction. Pray for them both.