spia

Hi, I'm the wife of a recovering alcoholic. We are currently separated. He is in one state and I'm in another. I've been wondering if any of you have seen marriages work once the alcohol is out of the picture.

killerinstinct

My marriage got worse when I put a stop to his drinking, as a result we got divorced. In the end it was more important to him.. Sadly I couldn't do a thing to save the marriage in the end as he walked away.. I guess it depends on whether your husband is wanting to really give it up or not?? Do you know what your desires are and his??

redatlanta

Mine has. I don't see a lot on here of those who have. I think sometimes when people ar able to resolve their issues they move on from the forum so you won't see a fair representation of those who do.

With that said - its a hard road to put it back together, and while I have no statistics I would guess that more don't work out than do. Its the trust that is hard to build back.

I was watching an interview of Robin Williams taken several years ago speaking on this subject. The interviewer was questioning his second divorce as it happened about 2 years after he got sober. RW stated "There was forgiveness, people can forgive, and she forgave me. What is hard is recovering. She never recovered from what I did".

I think that sums up why many marriages fail when something happens that devastates the relationship.

ladyscribbler

I've seen it in my Alanon meetings. One spouse in AA, the other in Alanon. Quite a few have made it work.
Lots of hard work and recovery on both sides, not just one party gets sober and everything is suddenly perfect. You already know that though. What do you want?

mry

The jury is still out on mine although I'm still married. We've been living separate for 2 years, he is sober almost 1 year. I feel like it's all I work on - 2 alanon meetings a week, 1 weekly therapy for me and one for couples counseling. He attends AA every day and has a good sponsor. And yet, I don't know if it will work. I often wonder what am I still doing here? If it weren't for 21 years of marriage and 4 kids, I would have left a long long time ago. It's a tremendous amount of work for so little return at this point.

OnlyOneProblem

My marriage is better than before. RAH's 1 year sobriety date is in 1 week. We will be married 9 years come November. My RAH was successful, well liked, 2 bottle a night wine drinker. Everyone loved him. Surely I was the problem. Many days were good, but oh when the other shoe dropped, life sucked. Looking back, I can see the toll this took on my health. I had enough and was willing to choose a different path. It took several months before his thinking would change. He did not think he was an alcoholic. He was a daily drinker for MANY, MANY, MANY years. He is a young 75 and he is amazing!

We believe the key is working the program. He typically goes to 2 AA meetings a day. I attend Al-Anon. At least 2 meetings weekly. We have learned that our thinking is the biggest problem. Learning to stay on our own side of the street has been tremendous for both of us.

We have been seeing a marriage counselor weekly for the past 9 months. Through counseling we have learned to communicate better. We take life one day at a time and trust that our HP is in charge.

I truly believe that our thoughts are responsible for the outcome of our lives. I do not spend my time worrying about if he will relapse or where he is in his recovery. I focus on my program and the life I want.

I am so grateful for the SR community, for this is where I started my journey. I am also grateful for Al-Anon and the many men and women who share their story and allow my HP to speak to me through them.

cookiesncream

I can only speak from my perspective, and that is from the "other side of the fence" and can't say that we are a success YET but there is hope right now.

Our marriage had a zillion problems prior my becoming a "boozy floozy." I've been sober now for six months. My s/o jumped into Al-Anon full force shortly after I got sober. I went through outpatient rehab but have taken time to find my "fit" within the world of recovery. Thankfully another member here introduced me to the "Women for Sobriety" program and now, six months in, do I feel like I am truly "into" recovery. To repair a marriage IMHO takes a lot of work on BOTH sides. If you are facing a situation with relapses (I have not at this point, this is my first shot at sobriety) it makes that trust thing even harder.

Rambling here but I'd say the biggest thing is that both parties need to be very dedicated. Drinking was a mask for the underlying issues. At some point each side has to own up to their own side of the equation. If both sides are willing to I DO think there is hope. For me my self esteem took a very SERIOUS beating by myself and the openness and intimacy that has been so lacking in my marriage (I take full blame for this one) can only happen when both parties are mentally healthy. Only now, for my side, as I"m starting to regain some self esteem do I even feel the "right" to want and ask for certain things. For the first six months I didn't feel that way and while sober, actually our marriage got WORSE. That said I think we maybe "crossing fingers" have hit a watershed mark and I'd say we are both completely committed to the marriage. Hubbies one major boundary, and I accept and agree with it, is one relapse and I am ejected from the house. I think each and every one of you reading this has that right btw.

Yes I do think there is hope. Ask me again in a year and hopefully I'll have good news to report.

This probably doesn't help much but wanted to throw out my two cents. As others have said though success stories tend to move on and you don't see as many here since people tend to come here in times of crisis.

Peace and much luck.

-Cookies

spia

Hi, thank you all for such thoughtful replies.

Some of you have asked about "what I want"and I guess I just want to know that it's possible to start married after all this mess. I'd like to get success stories.
I'd love to be able to have this work out for our family.
I think the biggest advice I've taken from this is "staying on our side"...

I feel like right now he is doing all the work. He is going to ask his meetings and counsellors.
I'm just a bit lost as to what I should be doing. I think trust is expected from me but I can't seem to give it. I feel like I've forgiven him but can't seem to bring myself to accept his sobriety.
I almost feel like the disappointment of waiting for me right around the corner.
He has been working his program for four months. I think it's too soon for us to even think of moving back together but I feel that I will be pursued to do that soon.

dandylion

spia....you have no obligation to do anything that you don't truly want to do. And, I agree with you that 4months is still very early in recovery.

He is not getting sober as a "favor" to you. If he is looking at it this way...then it is unlikely to last long-term. He has to want it regardless of any outside circumstances.

I think that it is very smart of you to be living separately during the recovery period.
Recovery is very tricky time in most relationships.

dandylion

KidsR#1

spia- are you getting any individual counseling to work on yourself? If not, that may be a good place to start.

OnlyOneProblem

Spia, have you tried Al-anon? When I started going, things really started to change for me.

honeypig

Yes, this ^^^ exactly. I went to Alanon before my A expressed any interest in getting sober simply b/c I could not deal with things as they were for one more minute! It helped me tremendously (in combination w/SR), and altho he continued drinking (and lying about it) for several months after I came here, my attitude and way of handling things changed radically in that time, bringing me more peace and stability than I'd felt in a long, long time.

Here are 2 threads I started during that time that show how much improvement I was feeling:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...g-changes.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rting-get.html

You say you feel as if disappointment is around the corner, and I think every single person here knows that same feeling. One of the great benefits of Alanon for me was that I gradually came to feel that I was happy and peaceful, and that I would and could remain happy and peaceful regardless of what my A did or didn't do. That's not to say that I would ignore his behavior and our problems, but to say that I came to realize that I had the strength and the right to make my life what I wanted it to be, no matter what he was up to.

And I agree w/you and the other posters that 4 months is a short time and you're absolutely right to wait until YOU are comfortable and confident. A year is the usual minimum time that folks suggest.

cookiesncream

Ummm having been through outpatient rehab and having attended various AA meetings and other recovery meetings and having read posts from various forums you have EVERY RIGHT to be wary. I was one of the very few in rehab that was a first timer. Same thing for various meetings I've attended. The statistics for relapse rates are astronomically high.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...s-relapse=Only about a third of people who are abstinent less than a year will remain abstinent.
http://www.alcoholmd.com/alcoholrela...=Approximately 90% of alcoholics experience at least one relapse in the four years following treatment.

And on and on the gloomy stats go. You're going to hear it over and over and over again-ACTIONS by your s/o and TIME will prove which side of the equation he is on. I don't reasonably expect any measure of trust from my family until I have a solid YEAR of sobriety under my belt.

From my own uninformed side of the fence but in my own observations there are two major camps of alcoholics. Many many will disagree and I respect those opinions. There are alcoholics that have strong chemical dependency components. These are folks that CANNOT have any alcohol in any amount without it setting off a relapse. This means no cooking vanilla, no cough syrup, no medications that have any potential addictive qualities. For this camp ACCEPTING this and there will never again be "just one drink" EVER is tough. If this is where your s/o is coming from the question is has he truly ACCEPTED this and is he prepared to go to any lengths to avoid these scenarios.

Perhaps I am in denial, and we alcoholics are famous for it, but I have seen some people that pick up booze to self medicate a crap ton of stuff but don't have a chemical "switch" that goes off. I don't personally have that switch. I've medicated the daylights out of grief, anger, fear, and loneliness but I don't feel that chemical "switch" go on. For me and those of us in this camp us we MUST in order to avoid relapses get VERY VERY real with ourselves and DEAL with all of the crap we are self medicating. Thats the stage I'm in in my recovery and it ain't easy. Frankly I've been on the brink of a nervous breakdown at least once as I confront my emotional crap but at least now I'm DEALING with it.

Now all of that said what can you do? Not a darned thing. You didn't cause it, you didn't create it, and you can't cure it. Don't just start randomly trusting him until it is EARNED. Focus on yourself, your dreams, your hopes. Dig into yourself and ask yourself what, if any parts, of a less than fulfilling marriage you may have played into? Should you separate and divorce what would your plans be? Al-Anon is a great suggestion but I realize its not everyone's cuppa tea. I've opted for another recovery program and I know other non-twelve step programs exist for Friends and Family (SMART recovery has them, online meetings, etc) for a start.

Sorry to have rambled AGAIN but hopefully something in here will resonate with you.

Peace,

Cookies

Soberpotamus

I am the recovering alcoholic in our relationship, but I noticed this thread and wanted to comment. Mine seems to be getting better, but slowly. Many things improved dramatically once I stopped drinking, and he forgives me. I wonder whether he will get over some of the abusive treatment and the chaos. We married in 2011 and I quit drinking in 2013, so ours is a fairly new marriage still. Maybe the fact it's newish is a good thing, in our case anyway. I really don't know, as this is my first and only marriage. Time will tell!

spia

No I am not. I don't even know where to go. There seems to be so many options.it's overwhelming.

spia

I've been to for meetings. The first three I were very small and I was the first new person in like six years. They were completely unprepared for me. The last one were all men (parents of alcoholics) and I felt a bit strange being they youngest, a woman, and a spouse.

Recovering2

We are not legally married, but my RABF and I have been together for 11 years. I think sometimes we think if they just get sober everything else will work out. I found that once my BF found recovery, things were actually harder. He had to learn to deal with life on life's terms without using alcohol as a coping mechanism. I had to learn to stay on my side of the street and stop trying to control/manage/enable the situation. We had to learn to trust and forgive. He is almost 2 years sober, and works diligently on his recovery. I continue to work on mine as well.

Here is my best advice to you. Yes, 4 months is EARLY in recovery. You are wise to stick with your gut and be cautious. You don't have to do anything on anyone else's timeline. Do what is right for you. Find an AlAnon group near you and start focusing on your own recovery from this. It's suggested you try 6 different meetings before deciding if it's for you or not. Every group has its own personality, so if one doesn't work just find another. I went to 3 different ones before I found my "fit". Stay on your side of the street! His recovery is his, keep your focus on yours. Also, if you go to counseling find someone with expertise in addiction. I did, and it was immensely helpful. All the best to you.

spia

I completely agree that I need to focus more on myself. I just don't know where to start. I really don't.

spia

Thank you for this. It's encouraging.

ladyscribbler

You already started if you came here! That's a great first step. I second the suggestion of checking out some different Alanon meetings until you find a better fit. I attend a couple of different groups weekly and they both have different vibes but there are years of wisdom packed into those rooms.
As far as counseling, maybe your primary care doctor could recommend someone for you that would be covered under your insurance plan. That might be less overwhelming than trying to pick one randomly on your own.