spia

I just wonder do people actually change? It relationship had gotten abusive. Both verbally and physically. Not as bad as some stories I've heard but enough to be very unhealthy. I had spoken to one lady who was in a very bad marriage for twenty years and then he changed and they run a ministry now. I just wonder if you can really move past these sort of things? Right now it doesn't seem possible. I just don't even know how we got here. I would have never guessed it if you had asked me years ago. It's so sad.

dandylion

spia....have you read "Co-dependent No More". It is practically a classic. You can get it on amazon.co, used, at an inexpensive price. Also, you can check it out at the library.


alanon, itself is about self-care. You will learn all the tools there.

dandylion

spia

No, I haven't. But, I love to read and will look into it this week. Thank you for the suggestion.

BoxinRotz

People change everyday IF THEY WANT TO! They lose weight, they quit smoking, they work out... people can do anything they set their mind too, even abusive, alcoholic, drug addicted people can change if they want! You can change too if you want. You can end your marriage because you've changed, or you can save it because you've changed.

My RAH is recovering. Do I trust he wont screw up? No, I don't but that is MY issue to work through as we navigate this new stone he flipped over because hey... guess what?! I don't know who the hell this dude is! I wanna find out because he's loving, caring, affectionate, good looking, makes me laugh, provides for me and a lot of other great qualities I won't bore you with. I certainly forgive him but these scars are still here and I will never forget them. I will look past them as we heal ourselves, our marriage, our home and our lives apart and together. Its not easy but it's a lot better than not being with him because I love him and he loves me.

TerpGal

I am worried about this too. My RAH (can I call him that now because he's in rehab of his own volition?) became an angry, cynical, and abusive jerk as his disease progressed. He tried white knuckling sobriety but it never lasted more than a few days. I am encouraged by the report s I have gotten from his counselor and talking to him on the phone. The proof will be in the pudding. He had 7 days sober when he checked in, and I could see a glimmer of the wonderful, caring man he was before alcoholism swooped down and destroyed our lives.

I am a catastrophizer and right now I am in this mindset that I will be waiting for the other shoe to drop, which I know is not going to help this situation on any level. I have lost trust in him. I have been abused by his alcohol posessed self on every level imaginable. I have stayed with him for 8 years hoping I would get the man I fell in love with back. At times I feel my life is over. Well, it is. For today THAT horrible and chaotic life IS over. And it makes me uncomfortable as hell. The devil you know, right?

I have found Al Anon to be extremely helpful. Monday I will have attended a meeting every day. Some groups I have liked, some not. I have a therapist too. If you are thinking of seeing a therapist, be aware it might take going to a few to get the right fit. The therapist I am with now, took me going through 5 other therapists to find.

Hammer

Same, Same, Same exact thing I watched and COMPLETELY wanted. Figured she had -- (at least half-assed or so -- A sponsor, some program, even a T, supposed to work on HER stuff. -- but she wound up making up some crazy drama lies to all of them about me, rather than working on her stuff).

Meanwhile I figured I was behind, and I was taking my end SO seriously, I was running through the Program and everything I could grab like Forrest Gump looking for Bubba. Wound up taking the kids to Alateen, doing the Full Men's Alanon Steps Program myself, Alanon volunteer coordinator for the family program at the local Rehab, more T for me, trained to become an Alateen Sponsor, and could talk and walk the whole 12 Step Alanon program forward or backwards.

Someone on here cautioned me that she would explode about me "overachieving" her, and I just laughed it off. Turned out they were way under-estimating how much she would go off.

She was so enraged about me doing all that, that she filed some totally whacked out lawsuit to try to take the kids away, and on and on. Now that is falling apart on her, and I am still running along like Forrest, now with my @ss half shot off, but still just doing my prayers, and program. She is as mad as LT. Dan, and I am just running in circles trying to find and save Bubba -- "My Little Buddy." (my first nickname for her).

Here is the real deal, spia -- YOU work on YOU, let God handle ALL the rest.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IPPaZU18rUg

schnappi99

I think marriages can improve. There are a few old-timers in my alanon group who kept their marriages together.. invariably they had to do at least as much work on themselves as their husbands did getting sober. There are a few others who divorced. The common thread in the group who stayed was a commitment to recovery by both partners. Perhaps there are people who work a ninja level alanon program and can stay in a marriage w/ an active alcoholic and be content and happy but that seems unlikely to me. We have one wife of an active drinker who is soldiering on with her program, she has to do mountains of acceptance all the time. She has wondered in some shares if its getting to be time to leave.

@spia,regarding alanon mtgs for you, I'd suggest trying more... its intentionally a DIY sort of program.. some groups get stale some get revitalized. My sponsor was talking about the alanon mtgs he goes to- he finds the ones with issues and goes to them to help support the group and keep things moving- its about making the network stronger so fewer newbies slip thru the cracks- because its horrible out in that darkness.

My 1st meeting was advertised as being at the same church as an AA mtg- I went, maybe 10 people in the AA group and <1> alanon who ended up sitting with them all the time. Thankfully she took me aside and we had a nice enough chat but I obviously needed more.. so I kept trying, the next one after that was wonderful and I've made that one my home group. From other newbs I meet up with, they had a similar experience in that meeting.

Please do keep trying. They say "changed attitudes aid recovery", true for both sides of the fence and the programs do help you change your attitude.