Starting to think about boundaries
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Olney, MD
Posts: 268
Starting to think about boundaries
So AH has only been in rehab a week but I do need to start thinking about boundaries because the "family wellness weekend" is next weekend and I am sure this will be part of it.
I know when he comes home I need to "stay on my side of the street" when he gets home and continue to work on my recovery, we are still married. We will still be living together, so we can't totally avoid each other either. There will be certain things that he will need to take part in.
I have some stuff rolling around in my head in the moment but first things first
1) I will not tolerate verbal abuse of any kind. If I feel I am being verbally abused I will confront the behavior and leave the house for a couple hours/the night/what have you. Haven't totally fleshed that last part out yet.
2) I will not tolerate physical or sexual abuse at any time, ever again. If this happens the marriage is over, period.
Then there are some joint responsibilities we both have and have not been responsible about at all
1) Keeping the house clean. My mother and I have worked our asses off the last few days getting this house into good condition. I will be damned if he comes home, make messes and not clean up for himself. I accept my responsibility in letting the house go the way it has and I expect to be held accountable for keeping it up as well. But I will NOT be his maid
2) Finances. We have been crap at managing our money. I accept responsibility for my end of that. For really being clueless. Part of the never having learned to take care of myself thing. I admit I am clueless and am willing to reach out to someone with expertise in these matters be it a financial planner or heck even his dad who is a CPA. But I will not do it alone.
3) If he wants to stay in the marriage I am feeling like I have to be insistent on marriage counseling. There is a lot of hurt and resentment on both our parts to be worked through. Second with both of us in recovery it will totally change the dynamic of our marriage and we will need some help with that. I am willing to go to a regular counselor or see our pastor for this, if our pastor is willing to help us with it.
I realize I cannot play any role in his own recovery. I realize I will probably feel iced out of his life at some point, which is why I will continue to work on myself. I realize that at any time, he could start drinking again. What I don't know is if I am willing to live with an active alcoholic again.
I know when he comes home I need to "stay on my side of the street" when he gets home and continue to work on my recovery, we are still married. We will still be living together, so we can't totally avoid each other either. There will be certain things that he will need to take part in.
I have some stuff rolling around in my head in the moment but first things first
1) I will not tolerate verbal abuse of any kind. If I feel I am being verbally abused I will confront the behavior and leave the house for a couple hours/the night/what have you. Haven't totally fleshed that last part out yet.
2) I will not tolerate physical or sexual abuse at any time, ever again. If this happens the marriage is over, period.
Then there are some joint responsibilities we both have and have not been responsible about at all
1) Keeping the house clean. My mother and I have worked our asses off the last few days getting this house into good condition. I will be damned if he comes home, make messes and not clean up for himself. I accept my responsibility in letting the house go the way it has and I expect to be held accountable for keeping it up as well. But I will NOT be his maid
2) Finances. We have been crap at managing our money. I accept responsibility for my end of that. For really being clueless. Part of the never having learned to take care of myself thing. I admit I am clueless and am willing to reach out to someone with expertise in these matters be it a financial planner or heck even his dad who is a CPA. But I will not do it alone.
3) If he wants to stay in the marriage I am feeling like I have to be insistent on marriage counseling. There is a lot of hurt and resentment on both our parts to be worked through. Second with both of us in recovery it will totally change the dynamic of our marriage and we will need some help with that. I am willing to go to a regular counselor or see our pastor for this, if our pastor is willing to help us with it.
I realize I cannot play any role in his own recovery. I realize I will probably feel iced out of his life at some point, which is why I will continue to work on myself. I realize that at any time, he could start drinking again. What I don't know is if I am willing to live with an active alcoholic again.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi TerpGirl, I hope the rehab works for him because your plans seem sensible and achievable.
The first 2 points about the abuse are the deal-breakers because no-one should have to live with that. Just don't forget that these are your boundaries, not rules for him, so you need to have a plan for what happens if they are broken. Are you in a position to leave? Do you plan to call 911 (if necessary)? Emergency money?
Of course you will communicate your boundaries to him, but if he's drunk and violates them, what will you do?
The final 3 points are great, and will be even better if you can get him willingly on board.
1. Maybe you can sit down with him and nut out what both of you think is a fair thing re the housework, and cleaning up? For instance, apart from day-to-day chores, maybe Thursday could be clean up and eat takeaway evening, where you both work together on the basic floors, bathroom, dusting type work.
2. Finances -ditto. Work out a plan with him, where your bills and debts are quarantined every pay packet, then your household expenses, an amount for savings, and of course a little bit for free spending each, no questions asked. Once again, do your homework, and try to get him on-board and working towards a common goal.
3. Marriage counselling sounds like a positive step. I hope his time in rehab has left him open to this idea.
All the above is dependent on his sobriety but who knows? He may be happy to work along with a plan to make your marriage and lives better.
The first 2 points about the abuse are the deal-breakers because no-one should have to live with that. Just don't forget that these are your boundaries, not rules for him, so you need to have a plan for what happens if they are broken. Are you in a position to leave? Do you plan to call 911 (if necessary)? Emergency money?
Of course you will communicate your boundaries to him, but if he's drunk and violates them, what will you do?
The final 3 points are great, and will be even better if you can get him willingly on board.
1. Maybe you can sit down with him and nut out what both of you think is a fair thing re the housework, and cleaning up? For instance, apart from day-to-day chores, maybe Thursday could be clean up and eat takeaway evening, where you both work together on the basic floors, bathroom, dusting type work.
2. Finances -ditto. Work out a plan with him, where your bills and debts are quarantined every pay packet, then your household expenses, an amount for savings, and of course a little bit for free spending each, no questions asked. Once again, do your homework, and try to get him on-board and working towards a common goal.
3. Marriage counselling sounds like a positive step. I hope his time in rehab has left him open to this idea.
All the above is dependent on his sobriety but who knows? He may be happy to work along with a plan to make your marriage and lives better.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: tx
Posts: 101
Iam also learning to have boundaries. It's hard to even know where to start. I feel like he's been in charge of our life for so long. I'm wondering if boundaries even work. Lol but, the hardest part is how to react one the boundry is broken?
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by spia 
Iam also learning to have boundaries. It's hard to even know where to start. I feel like he's been in charge of our life for so long. I'm wondering if boundaries even work. Lol but, the hardest part is how to react one the boundry is broken?
Finally I made a boundary not to live in a home with active alcoholism.
By the time I left there was nothing to salvage. Of course he never went to rehab or admitted he has a problem.
Even now he would deny that alcohol causes problems in his life- family left him, he's unemployed, slowly removing everything from his life that interferes with his ability to buy alcohol- no phone, no car.
But he's fine.
Boundaries work it you are ready and able to enforce them. Mine did.
I live in a home without abuse of any kind, no one blowing money on booze, drugs and fines/bail, I never wake up to a house that looks like the set of Texas Chainsaw Massacre or find the stove on or cigarette burns in the furniture or knife gouges in the top of my kitchen table. No screaming and cursing and calling me and the kids filthy names. No one punches holes in the walls or wets the bed or vomits down their shirtfront or craps their pants and blames the dog when they're blackout drunk.
But he's fine, and is able to live his life as he pleases, free of my judgement and criticism.
I love my peaceful new life.
Thank you boundaries, you have made my life worth living.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 399
I'm with laddyscribbler.. Boundaries ended my marriage.. He didn't want a bar of it or to respect my feelings so he took off. I can say that if I continued to let him walk all over me he'd still be around.. It's very sad that they were my only options.. So unfair.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Great post, TerpGal! I don't know if you've seen this section of the stickies yet, but there are a number of threads about boundaries in it that you may find useful as you think about how to set your own boundaries: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html
Sounds like you're making progress--so good to see!
Sounds like you're making progress--so good to see!
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