sparkle2014

Im a 45 yr old mother of two grown children and nana of a five yr old grandson... I have been married now for 28 yrs ...my husband has been an alcoholic 21 of those yrs...he works hard had same job all these yrs but is drinking or drunk everyday!!...i realize it is starting to consume me... i revolve everything around his alcohol ...i allow it to control my feelings... I stay sad...plz help me ... i cant fix him!!!

Soberintexas007

Sorry to hear about your situation. It must be difficult since you stated that he is drinking and drunk every day - you don't even get a break!

CodeJob

Welcome Sparkle!

Can you get out to find a Celebrate Recovery or Al Anon meeting? Dealing with an active A wears the spouse down. I am glad you logged on here and hope this online group can help you!

honeypig

Welcome to SR, Sparkle. I hope you find the help you're looking for here.

Doing as much reading here as you can is a good place to get started. Don't miss the stickied threads at the top of the page--they're a great source of information. This one might be particularly helpful for a newcomer: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

I'd like to second the suggestion to look into Alanon. I've found Alanon in combination with SR to be very helpful; the face-to-face support and education in Alanon plus the wide range of experience here at SR has shown me so much about how to better live my own life.

I hope you keep coming back. Your life can be peaceful and happy, regardless of whether your A is drinking or not.

Wishing you strength and clarity.

TSDD

Neither can we, but there is help out there if HE thinks he's having trouble with drinking and wants to do something about it.

I've met many men and women who have had similar situations to you who found their answers in the Alanon fellowship, you might try to check out a few of their meetings.

ladyscribbler

Do you go to Alanon at all? That's a great place to learn how to take the focus off the alcoholic and put that energy into healing yourself.

Fly N Buy

Sparkle - you are correct, you can't fix him. Al-anon is a really, really proactive step for YOU!

The tools you'll learn can improve things many times. Please consider this.....
And keep posting!! It does help....

iSPAZ

Sparkle - I would arm myself with every support resource you can find. I attend Alanon and frequent here daily. Every situation is different with a whole different set of dynamics. All I can give you is my experience. I was married to an alcoholic wife for 20years one month and 11 days. It was not until the last few years that I realized she was truly an alcoholic even though she would sometimes tell me she thought she was an alcoholic. I was sent to alanon by family counselor and had no idea what to expect but thought I would be given the tools to fix her. I was not given the tools to fix her but was provide the tools to protect me. It has been hard. I had a nervous breakdown. I have lost over 100k. The family farm. Myself. I am slowly gaining it back day by day. If someone had asked if I was being abused just one year prior to divorce I would have told them they were full of it. Now being detached I realize how mistreated I was and how I was systematically being emotionally, financially and psychologically abused. I made the mistake of letting her know I was going to Alanon. Probably as a form of manipulating her to go to AA. She just ramped up the heat and created more and more turmoil until it all finally broke. I learned to take care of me. I did not even know what that meant. Prior to alanon and here I tried EVERYTHING to get her to stop drinking. It only made things worse and had much more collateral damage. I wish I had been strong enough to have one frank conversation that went something like this. I want you to know that I feel that your drinking is negatively impacting our relationship, marriage and our family and give examples of why I feel that way. I understand that I have no control over your choice and right to live your life as you please. I would leave it at that and give a short amount of time to see if any effort was placed to eliminate the alcohol. I would not argue or debate it whatsoever. If nothing significantly changed (which is highly unlikely it will) I would make a plan of exit not telling ANYONE but an attorney and I would protect myself financially, emotionally and physically. Especially financially. Instead I kept thinking if I could just prove my love to her and do everything perfect she would quit. If I could put enough pressure she would quit. The list goes on. I have educated myself as much as much as I can on alcoholism and codependency. I learned and forced myself to detach. This was hard, hard, hard. I learned it is much easier to watch over there than it is to watch over here. As I have learned to get on with my life more which has been no easy task I see things so differently. I see someone that if I had not been married to for so long and had such an emotional attachment to I would have no interest in dating less little marrying. I see someone who's moral compass is 180 degrees off about 90% of the time. I see someone who could care less about my well being. I see someone who does not apply herself as a partner, mother or grandmother. Then I have to ask myself why am I chasing and wanting someone like this to continue in my life. Someone that brings me pain instead of joy. If I just met her and knew the fact I would not give her even two seconds of my time. Yet I chose to go all in with every fiber of my being to try to make things work. Then when I had nothing else to give and was exhausted from every angle she left and was with other partners before I could even process what had happened. I hope you find the support you need and are strong enough to make better choices than I did with a more level head. I finally had to start making decisions for a while as if my story was someone elses that I had just heard and had no emotion. I can hear someone else story and say dump them on their head and get the heck out of there but when I am looking from my perspective about my situation I was unable to do what was best for me and my kids. I don't know if it was love or pity or pity love or not wanting her to die. All I know is the further I am from the drinking and abuse the better I feel. The more I see her actions the less I want anything to do with her. Read and learn as much as you can. You did not cause it, you can't control it and you can not cure it. I am still on the fence as to addiction being a disease or just poor choices. I can argue both sides. In reality does it really matter. It comes down to am I willing to accept the status quo with a **% chance it is only going to get worse? Once I heard enough stories in AA, alanon and here to truly understand that it only get worse until the alcoholic chooses to seek recovery I knew in my heart and my mind that I was not strong enough to continue. Sad indeed but it is just the reality of the situation. Now that I am no longer trying to control her I had notices that society is doing a much better job than I ever though about doing. I now let all the people that told me I was being controlling deal with it now that it is impacting them because i am no longer buffering and covering the truth. Read and listen to the folks on here on both sides of the street. Many people on here make my story look like a walk in the park. You must be a VERY strong person to have made it this far. I hope you find a path to healing.

Soberwolf

You got to think of your safety before his if its going to get out of control and being sad all the time isn't good for you

Maybe tell him when he is sober how much this is affecting you

I really hope he seeks help himself but in the meantime there is a great friends and family section in the forum that I suggest you check out as it will have lots of useful and helpful advice etc

Good luck

fini

hi sparkle,

the friends and family section farther down the forums would be a good place to meet folk who understand the place you're at.
welcome to SR, and great that you're looking for support and getting clarity on the screwiness.

no, you can't fix him.

once you accept that, you can stop trying, and let go of the attempts to.
you can use your energies to "fix" yourself.

best to you.

spia

I'm also married to an alcoholic. Mind you even only been married the years but it's taken a huge toll on me. We are separated now. I feel that this is getting me to see exactly how much the alcohol had taken from us. However, I still love him and hope to all things out. But I do know that being away from the alcohol had been such a great relief. If love for us to have a healthy marriage but it all depends on his sobriety. I can't fix him and I can't live on egg shells anymore. It's been so nice to go to bed without listening for the fridge being opened. The deportation has been a great eye opener and break for me. I'm hoping that he will get sober and we can work things out but for right now I'm really do much better being away from him.

honeypig

Sparkle, welcome to SR. I'm sorry you find yourself in such a bad situation, but you can definitely find help and support here. Your life can change in ways you'd never imagine if you're willing to open your mind and heart and do the work.

Doing as much reading as you can here is a great place to start. Don't miss the stickies at the top of the page. This thread is an example of what you'll find there, and a good place for a newcomer to begin: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

I'd also recommend Alanon. For me, Alanon plus SR is a powerful combination for education and support. Each has its strong points, and the face-to-face help in Alanon is important, in my opinion.

Please check in as often as you can, and I wish you strength and clarity as you start to find your path to freedom and happiness.