paula a.

I knew I should have stayed home last night, I need a crack upside the head for even thinking that it might be okay for me to go out with him. As usual, I left the house with my happy, nice husband and came home with an idiot. We were sitting at the bar with all of our friends talking about everything from religion to dui's, when my AH spoke up and said "I'm going to hell no matter what I do now", and he burst into tears. I'm thinking okay, this is new, and I take him outside. I told him he hasn't done anything in his life that was that bad--in the back of my head I'm thinking that maybe I am going to learn something here that will help me understand his drinking. At this point he gets near hysterical and starts to hyperventilate. I asked him to tell me what's going on, he refused. I should have just walked away, but I thought whatever this is he needs to get it off his chest.

This wouldn't bother me so much except that he INSISTS that I keep nothing from him, we are married and we shouldn't have any secrets, period.

So now I'm thinking, what did you do, did you cheat on me? Did you kill someone? When I asked him those questions, he would not answer, he just got himself together and went back in the bar.

I was furious, I am still furious. I went back in and said I was leaving and walked out. On the way home, he kept asking why I was so pissed and I finally snapped and said "I am tired of your damn double standards. You want me to act and behave according to your little rules, but you can do whatever the hell you want. You spout off this sh*t because you're drunk and then leave me hanging with my imagination running wild, it isn't right and I don't want to talk to you right now."

So we rode for a half an hour in silence, came in the house and he tried to get me to come to bed with him. NO WAY. He then proceeds to try and turn the entire thing into my fault, which I wasn't buying (my anti-codie training finally kicked in,lol) and he went to bed.

Truthfully guys, I'm shook. The only things my H would believe he is going to hell for would be cheating, or murder and cheating would probably be the bigger sin in his book. I have never once in all these years, through all the nights out without me, thought he was out running around. Now I'm thinking that just maybe that was very stupid of me.

Thanks for listening to me vent.
Paula

bikewench

Hey Paula...

Wowza...

I can see why your shook.

But.. from an outsiders POV.. I think your hubbie might just have been indulging in a little booze aided melodrama ... ;o)

Your logical thinking around the situation is outstanding though.. good for you.

I hope that you get a chance to put this to bed with your hubbie... and that you don't allow your imagination to run wild... cause we certainly can think the worst...

Blessings on you... and your willingness to try to walk the sane path...

paula a.

Thanks Bikewench~
The whole scene was just so unlike his usual melodrama--know what I mean? The tears, the secrecy--just not like him at all. Whether he's Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde for the night, he's a very straightforward kind of guy. I am still shook, but I am calming down, putting it all into words must have helped some. I don't think he will talk to me about this, as a matter of fact I am almost positive he will act as if he doesn't remember the whole deal. I am quite suspicious that he remembers far more of his drunken escapades then he let's on.
Oh well, what's one more thing for me to let go?
I will get through today, one minute, one second at a time...
Paula

Cap3

Paula,im an alcoholic and so is my hubby.Both sober by God,s grace,and AA.I also go to al-anon...smile...I cannot speak for you or your hubby.But girl if you were talking religion to me,when i was active,i would have repeated exactly what your hubby did.And i have on many occiasions.Looking at all i did,,when active,i believed i was going to hell,,no matter what,i did to try to be a better person.those sins could not be forgiven,thats how i felt in my heart.until,i .learned a better way.Until i sought,and searched for God,and starting to live the prinipals of both programs.Then,and only then did my mind become clear,and i could see,looking back, that yet again,i was lieing to self.Keeping self,in despair,and,what else could i do but keep drinking,i was so horrible.,i kept telling myself. drinking,.,until i had had enough and was willing to go for recovery.Its a disease of the....mind....body and .spirit...The truth,,is,,,you dont know...what this was about.Could be something over his past,,could be anything.In al-anon,i learned to stick with what i know.Not what,my mind thinks it knows.lol.Does this make sence?I hope so.Ive put myself through many a horror,over things that i thought that he did,when i was sober,and he was still active.The things that i thought,,or worried about,,never happened.I mean this mind of mine can go,if i let it,,lol.Those words,,,Deal with the facts,,mane,,from that show,,the FBI.,help me.to stay on track.And this is what i try,,to do.Many times when drinking i would cry.I wasnt sure the why of it.Took time,for me to put into words what it was about.People thought that they knew what was best for me at the time.Hell get it all out,,were off base.,.
I could only cry,,then.Took time to come out with it all.I could only do what i was capable at the time.And that was cry.It was a process,And a long one at that.I did the best i could at the time.The best i knew how to.And people pushing me,made me feel when i was drinking that i best shut up..I was so,so confused,especially when drinking.Its a process...And when i was ready,and capable to,,yes,,getting it all out was the best,of the best..When i was ready.Understandable that you dont want secrets,,or holding back anything from each other.But for now,,you dont know what it is.I cried when drinking cause the sun shined,,or didnt shine....The people in my life that.know.me.Didnt know the pain i held inside of me.What they knew was what i showed them by actions and words.Even my hubby,,didnt know.I have sence shared alot with him,painful stuff that happened years ago...Your assuming,right? .You dont know.Keep the faith.no matter what.one day at a time.If the actual words come out of what your assuming,,then,,and then,you both can work on it.
Thank you for letting me share,
hope it helps,,
God Bless,,take care!!!!!!!!!

sunflowergal29

((((paula)))))
I just wanted to say that I think that I think many alcoholics probably feel worthless and regretful about many things. I know myself (as a codie) have gone through periods in my life where I have felt like I am a bad person b/c I had many regrets over the way I have handled things/choices I have made. I think that even the guilt of knowing he has hurt those around him could make him feel like he is a bad person, especially when he adds the booze (depressant). And- if there is something he needs to get off his chest, it'll happen when he can't handle carrying it around anymore. Until then, try not to do what I do (I assume the worst in this type of situation,lol) and just keep the focus on you.
-SFG29

Lorelai

Paula -
My experience only. My H only broke down and cried in front of me only one time in my life. That was 18 years ago. I know in my heart that he cheated on me that night. He never did admit it and wouldn't talk about it but I knew. I know what you're talking about. It didn't go away for me - even 18 years later. I don't know what to tell you to do but just trying to forget about it and pretend it didn't happen hasn't worked for me.
Hugs - L

TheresaTerry

I've been told several times that alcoholism is a spiritual disease. I would guess that is why the 12 steps are centered on God. It makes sense to me that he is concerned about the state of his soul.

(((((hugs)))))
Terry

paula a.

Thanks everyone. Your replies and your guidance are very helpful.

Lorelai~ I am almost positive I am where you were. Lately I've been getting accused of having a boyfriend. From past experience that is a pretty good indicator that the accuser has been unfaithful. As I have no proof one way or the other, I'm going to do what I can to let it go.
Love and hugs,
Paula

TheresaTerry

Hello Paula,

I don't doubt that it is possible that your boyfriend may have another friend. I've also heard (on a radio talk show) that it is very common for people who are not living some form of a spiritual life to be concerned (and some to the point of obssesive behavior) that their significant other is cheating on them (the show was referring to those that are married, but I would imagine it would apply to those dating too). I don't mean to diminsh your concerns, but to add a comment I find insightful.

(((((hugs)))))
Terry