He told me he was quitting
 

He told me he was quitting last week. He got home from a week long business trip, and I took the garbage out and found an empty 40 oz bottle of vodka. Sad first thought I had, wow, 40 oz, he is cutting down.
But he was going to quit. And I'm heartbroken again. Now what do i do? Tell him I found the bottle? I obviously can no longer trust him.

soverylost, sorry you're feeling so bad right now. However, your A's behavior is no big surprise. He told you he was quitting. What actions did you see to support that? One of the most important things I've been told here regarding what is real and true is to go by someone's actions, not their words.

I can't really say whether you should tell him you know about the bottle or not. If you tell him about it, hoping that it will make him feel bad and really quit drinking, you're probably going to be disappointed.

The best thing for you to do right now, in my opinion, is to find ways to take care of yourself. Stop worrying about him and find ways to get support for you. Think about the life you want versus the life you have. What do you want to change that is in your power to change?

I may have posted this link to you before, but it bears repeating, especially item #10: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

Wishing you strength and clarity.

well, you CAN tell him you found it and he'll either:

a) Claim it was from a while ago BEFORE he said he'd quit
b) obviously from the neighbors
c) claim a golf buddy gave it to him and he dumped it out
d) accuse YOU of drinking it
e) admit it, saying it was only once, he's back on track

there's a really good reason why we suggest you watch ACTIONS instead of taking mere words to heart. people can SAY anything, hell listen to a polician up for election for two minutes, they'll promise you the moon and the start and endless wealth.

there is a LOT more to quitting than saying I QUIT. in fact some of the best recovery i've ever seen is the QUIET kind, without announcements, proclamations, oaths, or promises. why? cuz they are too busy doing whatever it takes in that day to get sober and stay sober and live a full productive life!!!

prayers just so many prayers ardy

I'm not sure I saw any actions that supported it. I feel like I was a sucker to believe him. At this moment I am lost and confused and angry. I want to show him, he didn't get away with it after all. That would serve nothing but oh man, it would make me feel better. After years of putting my feelings last, it would make me feel good.

The fact is, I don't know what to do anymore. I cant believe this is what my life has come to. I have small children so taking time for myself is not possible. And i can no longer leave them in his care, i don't trust him. So self care is non existent. I'm lucky to get a shower lol. I feel trapped.

I feel so angry and frustrated, i wish i could show him what it's like. I wish for one day I would be the one with a selfish addiction and he would be the spouse, having to take care of the kids, work a full time job and put up with the fun an alcoholic provides. Just one day. Childish and petty of me, i know, but I'm getting close to having my fill and I'm scared what that means.

are you self supporting? can you make an appt with an attorney just to get the lay of the land? you have to start LOOKING for the exits, not waiting for the doors to open for you, or wait for HIM to get better and then MAKE everything better. sorry to sound blunt. but you gotta do what you gotta do. we always find time for what we consider our priority...........

I can't make it on my own. I could never afford it. And my family would never accept it. Nor would my kids. I feel really lost. I'm not sure I'm ready to do that, plus with him, there's no second chance. I knew that when we got married. He wasn't an alcoholic then, and he was my best friend. So it was fine. But i knew right from the beginning, if one of us leaves or makes plans to leave, we'd best be serious because that would be it.

soverylost, you're not a fool to have believed him. You were hopeful. But now you do know better.

And "self-care is not an option"? Really? Who is going to take care of those kids if not you? And how will you have the strength if you DON'T take care of you? The analogy used in Alanon is the one about the oxygen masks in an airplane--when the flight attendants are going thru the emergency procedures, they always tell you to put on your own oxygen mask first before helping others to put theirs on. The reason for that is that you can't help anyone else if you haven't helped yourself first. It holds true in everyday life also, soverylost.

Alanon would likely be a huge help to you now. Many meetings have child care available.

Oh how i really really really wish I wasnt in this situation at all i didn't realize how badly I wanted to believe him. It's never going to change, is it. I'm a fool for believing it might.

Just checked, no meetings offering child care. I don't have a sitter other than the daycare, and that's during my work hours. I haven't told anyone about this, I've stopped keeping up with friends years ago. I don't have enough energy for work, kids, marriage and friends.

If my family ever found out...my mom would never recover. Yes she is an adult, but since my dad died she's gone really downhill, she had a mental breakdown when my brother and my sister didn't baptise their kids. With my sister,that was nine years ago and she still can't get past it. I'd be the one who truly broke her heart.

I'm really just babbling here, i apologize.. My next therapy session isn't until Sept 11 and it's a new therapist,i don't know how it will go. The old one had no advice except that I had a moral obligation to save my husband, that i promised on front of God in sickness and in health . That isn't working so well.

You can change how you react and respond. That's all you can control. And I understand the difficulty of self care with small kids to look after.
I once ducked into the bathroom for my first shower in two or three days while my then 4 yo son (he's 12 now) was busy with a Wiggles DVD. I had the door open and kept poking my head out every couple of minutes to check on him, but sometime during the two minutes it took me to shampoo and rinse my hair, he got ahold of the dish soap and decided to give the fish a "bubble bath." I attempted a rescue operation but it was too late. So RIP Spider Man, Green Goblin and Lionfish Daddy (we let him name the fish).
Hugs.

You are focusing on him a lot in this situation. Your husband told you he was in the process of quitting. You found an empty vodka bottle and it makes you feel deceived. The most important thing here is that you're not happy. How can you change that? Here's a hint: it has nothing to do with your husband. Alanon and therapy are very helpful in returning your focus back to you and your kids. There is a saying here that I like I lot, "don't just do something, stand there." Instead of initiating a separation you could instead start to shift your focus on what you want for you and your kids. Baby steps.

Is there a daytime meeting you could get to during your lunch break?
Glad you found a new therapist, the old one sounds awful, not to mention terribly ignorant about alcoholism. If anyone here could save another person from alcoholism this site wouldn't exist.
I do remember you posting about your mom on another thread. She sounds very melodramatic and it seems like it must be exhausting trying to keep someone like that from having meltdowns. Just try to remember that her responses to adversity are her choice. It is not the fault of you or anyone else if your mom chooses to take something personally that really isn't her business.

And my family would never accept it. Nor would my kids.

i'm sorry but what in the hell does that mean?

lots of single moms work and support two kids and do just fine. are you saying you CAN'T or you don't WANT to. cuz i know if you DID want that more than anything, to be free and all, you'd move heaven and earth and make it happen. as it is, he may up and leave tomorrow. you can't count on him. that's the whole point. you have to depend on YOU. and there are a lot of resources to aid and help you if you look and if you ask..........

How old are your kids? My youngest was 4 when. I left my ex. He never asks about his dad, and rarely wants to talk to him. We do send things in the mail. He is frightened of his father. Kids understand more than you think, even very young ones.
Your job here is to protect them. You can't even leave them alone with your husband, so you are basically a single parent right now. You have more options than you're allowing yourself to admit. I understand that most of them are not the hopeful outcome where your husband gets clean and you all live soberly ever after, but you do have choices. Just not choices you like.

You're right. It's not the choice i want to make. I'm not sure if I'm ready to make it. I get one shot at this, if i leave, that's it. That's all. There's no second chance. I'm the one who can't make a decision on what to buy at the Dollar Store, a big decision like this is very hard. The rest of my life,and my children's lives, depend on it cuz there are no do-overs.


What i mean by my family wouldn't accept it is just that. In my family, you don't leave. You don't divorce. To do so means I was weak, i didn't try hard enough. It doesn't have to make sense to anyone, but growing up like this, it's what I was raised to believe. While my thoughts on that may be changing, my family's thoughts aren't.

Your kids deserve a hell of a lot better than living with an alcoholic. They'd be better off in a homeless shelter than at home with him. I should know, I've done it with my own kids. Young children don't know what's best for them. You are supposed to be making those decisions for them. And as far as family goes, who cares what any of them think? You don't have a problem, you just have solutions that you don't like. For the sake of the children, get up and be a strong mom who would do anything to protect her kids. There's no excuse for not doing everything you can to provide them with the best life possible.

While my thoughts on that may be changing, my family's thoughts aren't.

you are a separate and complete human being able to make your own decisions, REGARDLESS of what others think. they aren't living YOUR life...you are and so are your kids. and you deserve better. you wont' win any awards for staying and being miserable and having your children scarred and damaged for life.

if the house was on fire, what would you do?

This is why alcoholism and codependency are multigenerational family diseases. These behaviors don't spring up fully formed from nowhere, they are passed like a baton at an endless marathon until one runner finally has enough and breaks the cycle.
I am not saying that you have to make some huge decision today, or that you have to leave your husband, but do start examining where some of these thoughts come from. Are they your own ideas? Are they things that have been handed to you by unhealthy family members like a bag of reeking garbage that you are now expected to carry but don't quite understand why?
You are here learning, growing, asking questions. That is a very positive step. You know this is not a good situation. That means you are intelligent and perceptive. You work full time and care for a home and small children by yourself, that means you are hard working, devoted and loving. These are not small attributes, these are tools for you to carve out the life you want, whatever the life is that YOU choose.
I can give advice all day, but this is your life. No pressure to leave or stay, that is your choice, but do make an effort to check out some Alanon meetings. I remember that feeling of being isolated with small children. It is very difficult. Take care of you. Big hugs and keep posting.

I'm not sure where, but in reading through old posts on here, I noted that someone commented that "it wasn't that easy to get rid of an alcoholic". And I have to say I've found that to be true - my AH seems like he hates me, but when I bring up the idea of separation or divorce, he adamantly refuses and says "he won't leave me, he loves me, I'm the best thing that ever happened to him". So don't be sure this is a "one shot" deal.