allforcnm

Given the situation you have described, Im wondering if you have ever looked at the SMART / CRAFT program (community reinforcement and family training)? It has two parts to it.. the first is all about YOU -- learning self care, how to set boundaries for yourself, learning not to enable... but the second part has a great emphasis on communicating with your spouse, changing your behaviors, looking at his patterns, and also using your influence in subtle ways to support the choice of recovery. The program was suggested to my by my therapist a couple years ago and I have used it with my husband. It has proven to have excellent results for family members and their loved ones.

SMART Recovery has free resources including tools to help you analyze your situation, a family forum, and online & local meetings if your interested in face to face support.

The only thing I can sense truly in your posts is that possibly your not in a place emotionally where you are ready to make final decisions regarding your relationship, yet you know something needs to change. My suggestion is to hold off on those decisions (as long as you/kids are safe) and allow yourself time to stabilize. These are big decisions.. and you are the only one who has to live with the consequences, so never allow yourself to feel rushed.

I would also suggest these books, which you can Google online if your interested:

Get your loved one sober, alternatives to Nagging, pleading and threatening by Robert J Meyers
&
Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change by Jeffrey Foote..

Hopeworks

My XA has been an alcoholic for over 20 years and on at least 50 different occasions promised to quit drinking...and often he did. Sometimes it was a few hours, a few days, a few months up to 8 months. Usually the pronouncement to stop drinking is on the heels of an event such as a black out with consequences....car accident, arrest, hospitalization or just some embarrassing incident.

Alcoholics say a lot of things...we call it quacking and don't pay much attention to what the lips are saying.

Nothing changes unless the A takes drastic action that includes life changing behaviors that include outside help and accountability factors. Becoming abstinent isn't the hard part it is the lifetime of living sober when the root of the problem isn't addressed through authentic recovery.

Adjusting your expectations to the reality of addiction will help you find your own serenity as you take your own path and look after yourself...the only thing we can control actually.