Tomorrow will be one month down of no contact.. Its been a ruff road, but I would like to thank every one that has posted and helped reinforce to me the reasons why I shouldn't contact him. I'm not sure why he has given up trying but I'm glad I haven't had that temptation. Its been hard enough not texting him I cant imagine seeing his name come through to me and how tempting that would be. One day at a time and so far doing it...

As for my brother, yes I let him move in. 30 days and I have to see and have prof he's looking for work. his son and the sons girl friend are staying at my moms. Same rules apply for them. We shall see how this turns out.. this is my youngest brother, he was 6 when my stepfather moved in with us. he was the heaviest abused of us all. I know I shouldn't feel guilty, I was only 13 but I do.. I watched that little boy be beat and locked in the basement for days. I didn't also know he was being molested, but he was for 7 years until he ran away at the age of 13. he lived on the streets for the next 4 years then moved out of state. he actually seems pretty well adjusted for him. He says he has an interview today and one again tomorrow. I've seen all the applications he's filled out...so we shall see...Had to give him a shot...

Of course you did. How terrible. Just don't lose yourself again.

Well done for no contact. It will probably subside in time like most addictions. Just watch yourself the next time you fall for someone. Being rid of one baddy doesn't mean you're not going to go out and get another. Sounds like you know you have some work to do on yourself. It certainly sounds like you had a lot of trauma in your childhood and the stories of your brother's are heartbreaking. I had some trauma too and what helped me was seeing the pain and dysfunction come down the line from grandparents to parents etc and deciding I was absolutely going to be the end of the line. From me forward it gets healthy.

Ty Wacky :)

That is what is so odd and frustrating about myself to me..... Of course I knew I came from a horribly dysfunctional background but I was "NORMAL".

I really thought that I was not just functional but "well balanced". Yes my husband had some issues but I tried very hard that my boys never saw that.. they did of course in their later years. You can ask anyone that knew me, I was the one others came to for advice. I was the supporter, the care giver. I held no bitterness, I had dealt with forgiveness and rebuilding a relationship with my mom. We raised two very well adjusted boys who turned into being wonderful men.

It amazes me the level of lack of self awareness I had. I was always an analyzer.. I evaluated every response and action... From parenting to weight loss. I thought I knew my weaknesses. NOPE!!! Not in a million years would I have ever thought I would be so desperate for love, acceptance, validation! If I were a friend of mine years ago I would have taken me by the shoulders and shaken some since into me...And that it all stems fro the childhood I thought I put far behind me? Or/and the lack of trust and commitment in my marriage? I needed the divorce to see this side of me.. to know that the little girl crying for love and validation was still within me...

I cant do this to myself anymore.. I wont make it if I get in another relationship with an abuser.. so its about fixing me totally. I just don't want to be as patient with me as I am with others in my life.

I hate this. my brother said to me this morning: "maybe you should date again if being in a relationship is so important to you?" lmao.... I almost jumped on his advice...What's the definition of insanity again?:a136:

Listening to your well meaning but clueless brother?
:lmao

It took many many years for you to land here in this new place of self-awareness, it is certainly going to take time to work your way through it. It's okay -- the journey isn't a straight line but eventually it leads wherever you want it to.

rofl

I wish I could believe that...

You sound pretty aware and balanced to me. Sure, you have some "issues" but we all do (don't we?). I think aiming for perfection is fine but expecting to get there sets us up for disappointment. We'll just work on what we have in front of us and do our best. It's like my garden - I have all these dreams of how it could look, I leaf through magazines and think "my garden could look like that". I work tirelessly and yet the transformation is slow. I used to get frustrated that I had all this land and put in all these hours but it was still far from "done". Then one day I had a revelation. If my garden was suddenly "done", what the heck would I do with the next 30 years of my life? Half the fun is working on it.

All I can say is that I'm living proof. Recovery requires a bit of faith and a lot of hard work. Also sometimes, more honesty with ourselves than we are comfortable with/used to.

The good news is you have already started, and you're further along than you think. Awareness, Acceptance, and Action.

Thank you sparkle, you always say something that lifts me up...needed it this morning...

UPDATE: Well it had been 6 weeks and no contact from xabf. I can honestly say that I have emotionally felt better in the last two weeks then I have felt in years! I told my therapist last week that I felt like I 'should' feel sad. all most like I need to make myself melancholy. I'm so not used to this even keel feeling. It feels unnatural and awkward.
(He said that's so typical and shows my growth that I'm rewiring those faulty brain circuits.)
So what happens? Out of the blue he started calling and texting me last Friday. I ignored everything until one small text on Saturday night about his moms B-day. he sent several after but I ignored those also. Sunday night he texted a few times then asked if he could please call me... it took me all of 5 minutes to justify talking with him. I texted him back in that 5 min that yes I could talk.. that was it.. no phone call, no text. nothing...... Okay, it really didn't upset me.. I was to anxious about talking with him.. knowing that it would not accomplish anything good. I was relieved!!!

Then Monday night I get an apology text. he said he fell asleep in that 5 min wait. He then tried calling me 3 times.
Last night 4 times. no VM messages.. but a text saying; Tried calling you.. can we please talk? Once again ignored.

I actually blocked his number about an hour ago.. it felt so good... Now I'm rethinking it. not quite panic zone but almost..... Why? this hold on him is so confusing....