She's gone
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 129
Just need to write... makes me feel better...
It's been 10 days and this is the most horrible time of my life. Picked up the death certificates yesterday. I wander in and out of uncontrollable sadness. Every picture, every song, every sight around the house brings the sadness and madness together in crashing waves. I know this is expected, and I know I must process and work through it. What is so cruel about this disease (for loved ones) is that you eventually grow distant from your alcoholic... you find yourself being aloof, sometimes appearing uncaring, and even saying things that you now cannot take back or apologize for. I'm feeling it big time. My kids are feeling it big time- probably worse for my daughter who was openly hostile at times towards her mom (and understandably given most of her high school career was tainted by an alcoholic behaviors). But in the end, my beautiful wife was trying desperately in her own way to reconnect. No, she couldn't or wouldn't manage her disease, but she wasn't mean to us anymore. She wasn't abusive (outside of some nasty comments directed towards me when very drunk). She just wanted to be wanted, loved. But we weren't emotionally available anymore. And now, it's too late, and now we spend all of out time talking about the wonderful, loving person that has left us. It's like some violent 180 degree shift in our lives. HOW do you reconcile these emotions? I know we didn't cause it, couldn't cure it, couldn't control it... I tell myself this all the time, but it doesn't stop the suffocating guilt. I know there's no real answer here- just have to work my own recovery, counseling, etc. Thanks for 'listening'.
It's been 10 days and this is the most horrible time of my life. Picked up the death certificates yesterday. I wander in and out of uncontrollable sadness. Every picture, every song, every sight around the house brings the sadness and madness together in crashing waves. I know this is expected, and I know I must process and work through it. What is so cruel about this disease (for loved ones) is that you eventually grow distant from your alcoholic... you find yourself being aloof, sometimes appearing uncaring, and even saying things that you now cannot take back or apologize for. I'm feeling it big time. My kids are feeling it big time- probably worse for my daughter who was openly hostile at times towards her mom (and understandably given most of her high school career was tainted by an alcoholic behaviors). But in the end, my beautiful wife was trying desperately in her own way to reconnect. No, she couldn't or wouldn't manage her disease, but she wasn't mean to us anymore. She wasn't abusive (outside of some nasty comments directed towards me when very drunk). She just wanted to be wanted, loved. But we weren't emotionally available anymore. And now, it's too late, and now we spend all of out time talking about the wonderful, loving person that has left us. It's like some violent 180 degree shift in our lives. HOW do you reconcile these emotions? I know we didn't cause it, couldn't cure it, couldn't control it... I tell myself this all the time, but it doesn't stop the suffocating guilt. I know there's no real answer here- just have to work my own recovery, counseling, etc. Thanks for 'listening'.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
Oh Woodman, I don't have any advice for you. You tried your best to help her. That's all you could do. You and your children will always love her, and loved her till the end. Sending much love and healing thoughts to all of you. xoxo
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
(((((woodman))))) Are you seeing a therapist or a grief counselor of any sort? Are the kids? I really think you should check into whatever you have available for help in working through the stages of all of this. And if you are inclined, journaling could be a tremendous exercise in helping you acknowledge the circles of emotions you are going through. Many prayers for you & your family!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 129
Firesprite- yes, I have a counselor that I was seeing previously, and am going to attend some group grief counseling when the next session starts. I'm also going to have my son see a one on one counselor. a little harder for my daughter since she's back at school 4 hrs away. I am strongly recommending she talk to someone as well, but not being here I can't 'make' her go.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Woodman....just know that as unbelieveably painful as the days are, now....that, even this, too, shall pass.
Please come here and share and ventilate with us as often as you like. We will understand. We have all suffered heartbreak, in some way, from an addicted loved one.
very sincerely,
dandylion
Please come here and share and ventilate with us as often as you like. We will understand. We have all suffered heartbreak, in some way, from an addicted loved one.
very sincerely,
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
So sorry Woodman. And I know I sound like a broken record here, because I've recommended this so many times, but check with your local hospice organization. The one here has a fantastic grief counseling program for kids and teens. They will also have resources for you. It is all free and open to anyone who has suffered a loss, whether or not the person was a hospice patient.
I have been thinking of you and your children, especially now that the funeral is over and all that initial attention has died down. Now is when you really need help. Reach out.
Big hugs to you and your family Woodman. Again, I am so sorry for your loss.
I have been thinking of you and your children, especially now that the funeral is over and all that initial attention has died down. Now is when you really need help. Reach out.
Big hugs to you and your family Woodman. Again, I am so sorry for your loss.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Woodman, I am so very sorry and my prayers of comfort and peace go out for you and your children.
I believe that where she is now, at peace, she KNOWS how much you all loved her and her spirit will be with you all in the coming days.
Hugs
I believe that where she is now, at peace, she KNOWS how much you all loved her and her spirit will be with you all in the coming days.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello Woodman,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts & feelings here. Allow yourself to grieve. Honestly for you and your kids there should be no guilt. You really remained as close as she would allow. Take care of you and yours Woodman.
May the god of your understanding hold you in the palm of his hand.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts & feelings here. Allow yourself to grieve. Honestly for you and your kids there should be no guilt. You really remained as close as she would allow. Take care of you and yours Woodman.
May the god of your understanding hold you in the palm of his hand.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: OREGON
Posts: 228
It goes full circle at times doesn't it. It is the behavior that we can not live with when we set our boundaries. Yet, everyone has worth and everyone has a story bringing them to the current path that they are on. There is grieving in all death. I am sorry you are all having to wade through such strong emotions right now. I am glad to see you are all getting help for yourselves to be strong in one way or another. Your kids will always love her. There are going to be some mixed emotions as counseling happens for each due to the disease and behaviors that were shown. Keep being kind to yourselves and each other as you wade through all the emotions of grief and loss, and the disease that has effected each of your lives. I think at times like this, when they struggled, they are finally at peace. Sending kind thoughts and prayers to you and your family in this tragic time.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Memory is such a strange beast. When we are in the midst of a situation, a trauma, it is so clear and powerful. Yet when time goes by and the trauma recedes, we don't necessarily connect with the pain we had. It is such a helpless feeling to lose someone so dear, especially so suddenly and prematurely. I think it takes time and allowing oneself to experience all the forms of grief, all the memories, so that eventually we can accept that our relationship was good, was bad, was loving, was lacking - all the complexities of living, especially living with someone with such a intractable devastating disease. You all did the best you could - your wife included - and in the end, no one can lead anyone else's life. But that doesn't prevent the desperate longing for anything that might have made the outcome different.
It is so raw, so new, and so painful, and I am very sorry that you and your children have to deal with this. You have my compassion and heart felt good will.
ShootingStar1
It is so raw, so new, and so painful, and I am very sorry that you and your children have to deal with this. You have my compassion and heart felt good will.
ShootingStar1
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