If I can see why can't he?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: St Augustine, FL
Posts: 1
If I can see why can't he?
Hi All, I am new to this forum.....hoping this will help me to cope a bit with my husbands drinking. Married for 5 years second for me, first for him. He was a 45 year old bachelor when I met him a year previously. My first and I were non drinkers. I probably drank 10 times during 16 years of marriage. After the divorce I did drink socially but not much.
Until we were married I was not aware that drinking was a daily affair for my hb. He of course does not believe he has a problem because he drinks only after 5pm....although I know that he also drinks in the middle of the night if he can't sleep. His daily average is about 20 ounces of vodka plus a couple of topped off glasses of white wine with dinner. After a bad altercation in January he "cut back" on the vodka to maybe 8 ounces but then the wine went up to 1/2 or more of a BIG 1.75 litre bottle per day. This is EVERY DAY..not just weekends or ocassionally.
I know that I cannot make him stop...I have tried.....is there any way for him to even see that this is a problem? We are going through rough times right now....a former executive he lost his job 1 1/2 years ago due to a lost contract and is still looking. He of course cannot belive that his drinking could possibly affect his getting a job because he doesn't drink til evening. The drinking has gotten worse during this time.
He is not mean to me when he drinks but does get more argumentative....digs up old gripes about former boss...stuff that can't be changed and then makes up stuff. Spends hours on the lanai smoking and watching tv. No he is not the same person when he is drinking. This has taking our intimacy away.
I have asked him to go just one or two nights a week without a drink....no luck....in fact the last time I can remember him not drinking was almost 3 years ago after an argument.....he didn't drink for one week to PROVE that he was not an alcoholic.
He says now that he has to have his drink to cope with the job situation...that after he is employed he will stop....that tells me that maybe he is starting to see but still every night he drinks....wakes up at 3 am and has another.....on top of that he is hiding his vodka because he knows how I feel. See I created another problem because I wanted him to let up.
I already know but I guess I just want to have someone confirm to me that this is is really excessive abuse and maybe give me some suggestions on how to deal with it. Leaving is not an option...at least not now.... I keep busy and do things that make me happy...play tennis, garden etc but at night when I see him doing this to himself it really drags me down.
BTW...Drinking and driving is not a concern....we never go out at night.....that would interfere with his drinking.
Until we were married I was not aware that drinking was a daily affair for my hb. He of course does not believe he has a problem because he drinks only after 5pm....although I know that he also drinks in the middle of the night if he can't sleep. His daily average is about 20 ounces of vodka plus a couple of topped off glasses of white wine with dinner. After a bad altercation in January he "cut back" on the vodka to maybe 8 ounces but then the wine went up to 1/2 or more of a BIG 1.75 litre bottle per day. This is EVERY DAY..not just weekends or ocassionally.
I know that I cannot make him stop...I have tried.....is there any way for him to even see that this is a problem? We are going through rough times right now....a former executive he lost his job 1 1/2 years ago due to a lost contract and is still looking. He of course cannot belive that his drinking could possibly affect his getting a job because he doesn't drink til evening. The drinking has gotten worse during this time.
He is not mean to me when he drinks but does get more argumentative....digs up old gripes about former boss...stuff that can't be changed and then makes up stuff. Spends hours on the lanai smoking and watching tv. No he is not the same person when he is drinking. This has taking our intimacy away.
I have asked him to go just one or two nights a week without a drink....no luck....in fact the last time I can remember him not drinking was almost 3 years ago after an argument.....he didn't drink for one week to PROVE that he was not an alcoholic.
He says now that he has to have his drink to cope with the job situation...that after he is employed he will stop....that tells me that maybe he is starting to see but still every night he drinks....wakes up at 3 am and has another.....on top of that he is hiding his vodka because he knows how I feel. See I created another problem because I wanted him to let up.
I already know but I guess I just want to have someone confirm to me that this is is really excessive abuse and maybe give me some suggestions on how to deal with it. Leaving is not an option...at least not now.... I keep busy and do things that make me happy...play tennis, garden etc but at night when I see him doing this to himself it really drags me down.
BTW...Drinking and driving is not a concern....we never go out at night.....that would interfere with his drinking.
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Hi Louise,
Welcome to SR. If someone else's drinking is bothering you, you are in the right place. There are a lot of people dealing with and overcoming these situations. There is no easy answer. You are right. We can't control another's drinking, we can't cure alcoholism, and we didn't cause it. All we can do is learn how to deal with life as it is. There is a wealth of support in Al-Anon. You may want to consider checking out some meetings in your area. Whether your husband stops or not, this is something that bothers you. Browse the forum and feel free to post when you want. I hope that you find something that can help. Also, check out the powerposts at the top of the forum. There is a lot of good information there. Hugs, Magic
Welcome to SR. If someone else's drinking is bothering you, you are in the right place. There are a lot of people dealing with and overcoming these situations. There is no easy answer. You are right. We can't control another's drinking, we can't cure alcoholism, and we didn't cause it. All we can do is learn how to deal with life as it is. There is a wealth of support in Al-Anon. You may want to consider checking out some meetings in your area. Whether your husband stops or not, this is something that bothers you. Browse the forum and feel free to post when you want. I hope that you find something that can help. Also, check out the powerposts at the top of the forum. There is a lot of good information there. Hugs, Magic
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Hey Louise558!!! Welcome!!!
There is no definate answer to whether or not you husband has problem w/drinking or is an alcoholic. However, it sounds to me that it is affecting your life and therefore is a problem for you....that is all that matters. Convincing him that he has a problem therefore is useless, instead continue to do those things that you enjoy.....maybe even plan an evening out w/the girls.
I would recommend reading "Co-Dependant no More" and "Choices" by Melodie Beatty.
Keep coming back, Constant
There is no definate answer to whether or not you husband has problem w/drinking or is an alcoholic. However, it sounds to me that it is affecting your life and therefore is a problem for you....that is all that matters. Convincing him that he has a problem therefore is useless, instead continue to do those things that you enjoy.....maybe even plan an evening out w/the girls.
I would recommend reading "Co-Dependant no More" and "Choices" by Melodie Beatty.
Keep coming back, Constant
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
Hey Louise558 - welcome!
I'm new here too so keep coming back - it really is a helpful tool - we're all here to help ourselves and each other.
You didn't cause him to hide the stuff - he chose to do that. Mine does the same thing, (like I wouldn't know.) I have taken the advice in the Al-Anon brochure and quit looking for, etc. Baby steps - that's what I am taking but at least I am still walking.
Hang in and come back and come often to these boards.
I'm new here too so keep coming back - it really is a helpful tool - we're all here to help ourselves and each other.
You didn't cause him to hide the stuff - he chose to do that. Mine does the same thing, (like I wouldn't know.) I have taken the advice in the Al-Anon brochure and quit looking for, etc. Baby steps - that's what I am taking but at least I am still walking.
Hang in and come back and come often to these boards.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Under The Stars
Posts: 47
Hi, Louise,
Welcome, this is a great site, hang around, you'll be glad you did!
I'm the "drinker" of the family so let me share a little bit of how I view the situation!
My drinking spun out of control quite a bit this past year, my husband of course noticed! The more he nagged me about my drinking, the more I came to resent him, started sneaking drinks, hiding my liquor, etc.... It was when he laid off nagging and complaining that I actually slowed my drinking down! We were getting along and I just didn't feel the need to escape the "not fun times", his complaining, etcc. I have since stopped drinking all together! I can't say it's because he stopped nagging me, it was a personal decision, but, just a friendly little piece of advice, resentful feelings are hard to erase, sometimes impossible!
Welcome, this is a great site, hang around, you'll be glad you did!
I'm the "drinker" of the family so let me share a little bit of how I view the situation!
My drinking spun out of control quite a bit this past year, my husband of course noticed! The more he nagged me about my drinking, the more I came to resent him, started sneaking drinks, hiding my liquor, etc.... It was when he laid off nagging and complaining that I actually slowed my drinking down! We were getting along and I just didn't feel the need to escape the "not fun times", his complaining, etcc. I have since stopped drinking all together! I can't say it's because he stopped nagging me, it was a personal decision, but, just a friendly little piece of advice, resentful feelings are hard to erase, sometimes impossible!
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